Tuesday, October 28

We got hit by the jackpot!

Finally, some good news! I got in a car wreck!

Sunday is the day I try to spend time with the kids. I took the little ones out for a drive in the morning, and let them throw trash at bicyclists from the passenger window. Then my teenage daughter and I headed out to rummage through this one outdoor donation bin, which is almost always overflowing by Sunday night. We picked out a couple of cute tops, and I found a garbage bag full of bras! That's the biggest score I've had since the time I swiped a whole pile of thongs from the dryer at the laundromat!

So I'm driving us back home in the van, and the stupid DVD we were watching started messing up. I reached around to the back seat for another movie and my phone slipped off my lap. I was in the middle of a turn at the time, which required me to yield onto the next road. I couldn't look around to my left for traffic because I was still trying to fetch my phone, so I put on the breaks. I turned to the left to see nobody, and that's when we got rear-ended!

I pulled off to the shoulder and the other driver pulled over behind us. He ran right up to the van to make sure that everyone was okay. I could barely suppress my smile, but inside I was busting with excitement! I got out to exchange info and we looked at each others damages. Luckily we took the van that day, which has a really high rear bumper. There was only a little bit of damage to my bumper. The poor bastard who hit us was in a brand new Mazda 3, and his front end was smashed all to hell!

That's the least of his worries, though. I've been recommended to a very good injury lawyer. That ho Shirl at my office used him in a similar accident, and made off with $35,000. And even though this is only a low speed crash, and my unborn baby is fine, the lawyer is going to refer us to a special doctor. This guy is a master at diagnosing accident-related pain conditions which are very difficult to disprove. All I have to do is play along, and before you know it, I'll be gettin' paid!

Friday, October 24

25 Wacky Halloween Tricks!

The other day I made a point to warn all of you about the dangers of handing out non-candy items as treats on Halloween. But what kinds of tricks would be appropriate as retaliation for such heinous behaviour? Obviously, you'll want to tailor your tricks to the individual victim, with a focus on traumatizing them for life. That's the only way they'll ever learn!

Here are a few fun ideas to get you started:

1.Catch a foodborne illness, use their jack-o-lantern as a toilet
2.Throw that crappy pumpkin through their bay window
3.Fire a wad of 50 bottle rockets into their shed or garage
4.Replace their brake fluid with Crystal Light
5.Trap their pet in a van and give it an obvious sex change
6.Paint their doorway with curdled pig's blood
7.Drop buckets of baking soda and vinegar down the chimney
8.Leave a flaming bag of entrails on the doorstep, ring bell
9.Call their phone, when they answer whisper, "I'm in the house!"
10.Sacrifice an inflatable love goat on their porch
11.Knock up their daughter, then refuse to pay child support
12.Burn a massive scarecrow on their front lawn
13.Rig up a non-fatal candy corn cluster bomb
14.Use a hot glue gun to seal all their windows and doors shut
15.Break into the basement and cause an odorless gas leak
16.Startle them by dressing up as their dead grandma
17.Force them to swallow the refuse from your ear candling
18.Put a razor blade in an apple and accuse them to the police
19.Break in and throw a black cat on them while they're taking a dump
20.Mummify them in a giant ball of 3-ply toilet paper
21.Drug a rabid raccoon and leave it in their glove compartment
22.Sneak a few senior citizens inside the house to stink up the place
23.Stuff their air conditioner full of carrot juice & bacon bits
24.Mess up their vinyl siding by covering it in bloody butt prints
25.Shoot a dart laced with Ben Gay right into their necks

This list is for entertainment purposes only.
Do not drug a rabid raccoon without your doctor's permission.

Wednesday, October 22

25 Unacceptable Halloween Treats!

As a parent, I take a large cut of my kids' Halloween candy. I have absolutely no use for all this non-candy bullcrap that some folks in my neighborhood have chosen to give out in lieu of actual treats. For all of our sakes I've prepared a list of the 25 worst items that have been offered to my kids on Halloween:

1.School supplies
2.Fat free snacks, like Goldfish crackers or pretzels
3.Homemade popcorn balls with bits of cat hair stuck on the side
4.Homemade caramel apples (which are actually kind of fun to throw)
5.Meat on a stick with little bones in it
6.Travel toothbrush and mini-toothpaste
7.Religious propaganda
8.Cheap ass 8-packs of generic Chinese crayons
9.Little paper bags full of dirty nickels & unwrapped gum
10.Individual used women's shoes that are like 30 yrs old
11.Midget granola bars with no chocolate or candy in them
12.Loose pastel Peanut M&Ms from four Easters ago
13.Cans of warm non-alcoholic beer
14.A couple of melted Sucrets from a leather jacket pocket
15.Miniature Hickory Farms meat and cheese logs
16.Worn out tennis balls that the dog has slobbered all over
17.Bouillon cubes
18.A runny slice of crappy pecan pie that you have to sit there and eat
19.Tiny shampoo samples from some hotel they stayed at
20.A fun-sized Milky Way with a big rusty needle sticking through it
21.Giant cans of soggy string beans from Costco
22.Crumbs from the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms
23.Handfuls of Sweet & Low packets from an elderly lady's purse
24.Rice cakes with globs of flavorless yogurt on them
25.Circus peanuts. Nobody wants to gnaw on that orange wad!

To avoid any doubt, go ahead and print this out and take it with you to the store. This is what they call "fair warning". If any of you scumbags try to drop some crap like this into my kids' trick or treat bags again, I promise you that I will personally assist them in carrying out a trick that ends with you being rushed to the hospital!

Monday, October 20

Learn some strip club etiquette!

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

As for the women, the rule is the same, unless you're there with your man. In that circumstance you do not need to tip. We get so much satisfaction from being sexier to your man than you are that the bitchy scowls from you and your stupid best friend you brought along are payment enough! Just make sure you watch your mouth. It would be a shame if somebody cut that pretty face of yours!

Another thing you need to know is that we always come to work, even when we're sick. I've stripped while fighting a flu, or even when suffering from really bad gas! During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit, and cats are notorious for that. He didn't agree, so I told the bouncers that he groped me, and they threw him skull-first onto the pavement outside.

There's one question that I'm gonna answer even before you ask it: Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off! Hell, one time I gave an ex-convict a dry handjob in exchange for a half pack of cigarettes. It ain't no thang!

Some customers will make proposals of this sort when the girls are coming around for their tips. That's okay, but not ideal. The best way is to approach them in the parking lot when they're getting off their shift. Show her that you're carrying a large black plastic trash bag, so she'll see that there's somewhere to keep her purse and soiled dance costumes while she's workin' you over!

Of course that's not enough for some guys. Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine. Get yourself a dealer, and enough cash to keep a steady supply. Before you know it, you'll be one of those guys in his late forties who's moving in with a stripper in her late twenties who wears low rise jeans with stretched out thongs that ride halfway up her back.

Wednesday, October 15

Help my homeless homies!

Y'all forget sometimes how good y'all've got it. You're waking up each morning on your comfy beds, taking your hot lathery showers, driving your overprotected, brat-faced kids to school in your fancy cars. Well I don't forget. I try to do a little something each day to make things easier for those amongst us who are most vulnerable. Today is the day that we're going to get together, and talk about the issue of homelessness, rather than just turning a blind eye as we so often do.

Think about this. When you're sitting at a stoplight, what do you do? Find a different CD to listen to, pick your nose, and maybe gawk at the person in the car next to you? When what you could be doing is helping that poor laid off veteran who's standing on the corner with a sign, asking for help. Do you think his Sprint GPS cell phone bill is going to pay itself? Do you think that 2-year old Honda Pilot he has parked around the corner is going to pay itself off? Y'all gotta think!

Damn near every time I go to Carytown there's some crusty dude sitting at the end of the I-195 exit with a crudely fashioned sign. So when I get up to the light I reach my hand into that sticky plastic pocked inside my car door and dig out as many pennies, car wash and Chuck E. Cheese tokens as I can possibly find. Then I toss them on the ground near his feet and take off through the yellow light. Screw the horn honking haters behind me who are waiting through two light cycles just to make it off the ramp. This is more important!

Commuters can do a lot of good, because we see the same people every morning. Familiar strangers, who we connect with on some human level. That's why it's nice to work up a little care package once in a while for those who appear to be in need. Include practical items, like last night's leftovers from Chili's, that blanket your dog used to sleep on before he died, and a mini-crowbar that can be used for self defence, or for finding a warm place to sleep. I also like to include sample-sized packets that I get in the mail, like tooth whitening strips and personal lubricant.

They say that kids make up a large portion of the homeless population. I never see them around our town, but statistics say that they're there. So I keep plastic bags full of my kids' old clothes in the trunk to give to homeless people that I see along my travels. I can only assume that they take those items back to wherever their children are. Of course I only give away torn or visibly soiled items, because I can sell the decent ones for a few bucks at a children's consignment shop.

Finally, we come down to the most pitiful of all, homeless people's dogs. I'm sure that having them along helps with the frequency of cash donations, so who can blame these needy folks for stealing cute dogs out of peoples' yards? Certainly not me! But we also have to face the fact that the money you give these panhandlers for "dog food" is going to be used for booze or heroin. Then they're going to feed the dog half-eaten Taquitos out of the 7-11 dumpster. So instead of cash donations, you could give them things that only a dog would want, like a bag of chicken bones, or an opened package of out-of-date chocolates.

Monday, October 13

Public displays of affection!

Phil took me out to a real fancy seafood place for dinner last night. It was a total surprise! I was just out in the utility shed in my housedress huffing some jenkem when I heard him calling me from inside the townhouse. I came in and he had flowers and was all dressed up in his fancy church clothes. Just the sight of him had me blushing like a dumpy virgin!

I got myself gussied up with my one nice maternity dress, and a few sprays of Paris Hilton's "Can Can" perfume. He drove us downtown, and I tell ya, he was sweet talking me the whole way! I really felt like a princess! Then he pulled out a blunt that he had rolled with some of those banana flavored cigar papers that I like so much! We got high as shit! He even found us a nice parking spot right in front of the restaurant!

We shared a double order of raw oysters as an appetizer. By the time the entrees arrived I was hornier than a sick old cat in heat! That's how it is sometimes when you're pregnant, stoned, and full of raw shellfish. I started making eyes at Phil, dipping my fingers in my bowl of fish chowder and teasing him with them. He responded with some heavy petting under my dress. Then I got a bit bolder and hopped up on his lap!

It was about that time that the restaurant manager showed up and asked us nicely to get our asses out of there. This guy clearly meant business. He had an uneasy look on his face, like he was going to vomit, or start throwing punches. We left quietly, and rather embarrassed. I honestly don't understand why it's okay to breastfeed a baby in public, but not a drunken bearded man. I can't help it if I'm blessed with early lactating! It's just how I was made!

Friday, October 10

You gotta give back!

I'm proud to say that I've been donating some of my time to the community. So while the rest of you butt-skulls just sit on ass watching television, I'm out there mentoring a group of teens as part of a progressive new program. Kids today need direction, and sometimes need to be reminded that there is life after high school. They also need to know how to get the most out of their high school experience. That's where I come in!

We all wish we could go back to high school knowing what we know now. That's why I advise the kids in my group to go out and commit as many felonies as possible before they turn 18. I tell the girls about how much fun it can be to sleep with the gym coach. And the boys are sometimes shocked to learn these public school years could be their last chance to sleep with virgins, (yet sluts will be around for the rest of their lives!).

I teach them things that will help get them through these difficult adolescent years. For example, most kids don't realize that their dad's coin collection can be used to buy drugs. And if their dad complains, they can just load his computer with nasty porn for their mom to find. They were also interested in the idea that a few dirty pennies dropped in the tank could successfully kill a teacher's fish.

They had all kinds of questions about how to work the system. My advice was to weaken it in subtle ways, like stealing library books and throwing them away. Or annoy the teachers by talking like a rapper or a born again Christian. A few of the boys couldn't wait to try hitting on the lunch ladies to get bonus tater tots. I even encouraged one chubby youngster to plan a walk-out in protest of the "two taco limit".

To the outcasts, I could only recommend snitching on the popular kids, after planting drugs in their lockers. They had never even thought of using a car's trunk as a refrigerator for beer during wintertime. Or how you can get drugs prescribed to you by simply plastering your locker door with pictures of swimsuit models with their head and limbs cut off. I also told them to stop acting all depressed, because honestly, nobody gives a shit.

The hardest part is helping them plan for the changes they'll face heading into college. For one the thing, they need to learn how to cheat their way through everything, like grown-ups do. Also, they'll want to switch their morning breakfast routine from Carnation Instant Breakfast to a half pitcher of Bailey's Irish Cream. And there are no parents at college to check you out when you get home, so you might as well reek like cheap beer (and cheaper women!). And nothing says "originality" like streaking through the quad, flashing everyone with a view of your impish genitals.

Wednesday, October 8

Muffin goes to the dog park!

I planned a special day with Muffin yesterday. I figured he should get some exercise, because he hasn't been out of the laundry room since we took him to the river. Dogs act up if they don't get what they need, and the last thing I want is more trouble from him. I'm still a little afraid of him!

I called in sick to work and slept in a little. Then I got up and loaded Muffin into the backseat of the car. He was acting weird, and he smelled like a nest of dead possums. But there's no sense in washing him now when he's just going to get dirty again at the dog park. I pulled into the Waffle House, cracked a window for Muffin to bark through, and went inside for some quality grub.

The food was good, but the waitress was worthless. She only filled my coffee three times, and as with so many places, forgot about me when it was time to bring the check. I sat there for twenty minutes waiting, but I didn't care too much because I had my smokes. That's one thing you non-smokers don't realize. You're all impatient, and therefor annoying as hell to restaurant waitstaff.

I was putting my last cigarette out on my dirty plate when the waitress finally came back. She gave me this shitty look, pointed at my plate, and said, "That's nasty, and rude!". I stood up and loudly replied, "You know what's rude? Making me wait 20 minutes for a damn ash tray!". Needless to say, that bitch didn't get a tip. She's lucky she didn't get a slap!

I got back out to the car and drove us to the Dogwood Dell dog park. I want my dog to socialize more with other dogs so he'll get used to it. But Muffin was having none of it! He was avoiding the other dogs and sniffing around the people and the chairs. I saw him lift his leg and piss onto somebody's neatly folded fleece jacket. Nobody else saw it, so I didn't say anything.

He started running around the perimeter of the field, then he slowed down and started walking over to the most beautiful little purebred Beagle. The Beagle's owner and I were standing on the other side of the field, laughing about how cute they were being. The laughter stopped when Muffin mounted the Beagle and proceeded to give her the humping of her life! The owner wanted me do something, but there's no way I'm interrupting Muffin at a time like this!

We concluded that neither dog was fixed, which really pissed this woman off. I think I was pretty graceful about it, considering the way she was yelling in my face. Meanwhile, Muffin pranced back over to us and laid down like he was ready for a nap. The lady wanted my information in case any puppies came of this unholy union. Instead I have gave her a fake name, and the number to the Dollar General on Hull Street Road.

Monday, October 6

Ridin' dirty!

Ever since I took so much crap from people after posting an innocent opinion about the road rage conditions on our local roads, I've been evaluating my entire driving experience. I want make things as safe and healthy as possible for me and my family. It's not easy, with all these crazy people out on the roads! I actually hit somebody with the van last week! These jerks need to learn not to cut me off when I'm watching a DVD!

For starters, I'm keeping a wooden baseball bat in my trunk. You never know when you're going to need to take control of a situation! Like the other day, I went to visit my friend at her new job, and we got to talking and catching up through the KFC drive thru speaker. Some fool behind me had the nerve to honk his horn. Well you can be damn sure he backed his piece of shit Maxima out of there when I popped my trunk, jumped out the car, grabbed the bat out, and pointed it at him!

One important aspect of driving is the environment, and by that I mean the inside of your car. Rather than letting those cigarette butts pile up, I've started flicking them out of the window. And I toss my fast food garbage out the window now too, rather than just throwing it in the back seat. My car is already starting to smell better. Just make sure you only chuck things out when nobody's looking. I usually do it on curved highway ramps.

Penalties for crimes committed while driving have become increasingly harsh. That's why I decided to tint the windows of my Mercury Cougar. I used one of those kits you can use to do the tint job yourself, so of course it came out all uneven and bubbly. But at least I can take a hit off my mini-bong while stopped at a red light without nosey ass people staring at me.

The tinting provides me with a whole new world of privacy, which is important when I'm sexing a stranger in the backseat while parked behind the Days Inn. And you know how people would get if they could see that I'm rolling a joint and driving with my knee. Of course it only does but so much good, since they're already making a face at me just because I'm cutting diagonally across a crowded parking lot.

As an added precaution, I've taught my son to take the wheel when I'm driving, because sometimes when I'm on the phone or texting people I'll get so angry that I actually forget that I'm supposed to be driving! The kid are also learning to point things out for me, like baby carriages and cop cars. And yesterday afternoon, when I got shit-faced at the Applebee's, they watched for mall security while I squatted behind the car to take a piss.

Thursday, October 2

Customer service secrets!

I gave y'all some helpful hints in a previous post about how we, as consumers, can take a stand and demand what's ours. Now I'm going to show all you customer service folks out there how you can take control of most situations, and have fun doing it! I'm an office manager now, but I've held many service level jobs over the course of my career.

I'll start out in the world of call centers. There's few things more awful than having to answer phones in a customer service department. You never know if your next call will be a simple transfer, or twenty minutes of ranting from some raging whore, who is complaining because she's had to call back 15 times to get one simple thing done. And nearly every caller is aggravated because they've been sent through a labyrinth-style phone menu, followed by torturous musical hold.

First of all, you need to figure out what your needs are. In most cases it's call volume, and call times. So it's always in your best interest to keep calls as short as possible. Answer the phone by racing through the greeting, especially the part where you say your name. If they get mad later on in the call and say, "What's your name?!" you can simply reply, "Oh, you didn't catch that, did you bitch?" and hang up right in their face.

If a caller's problem sounds too complicated, offer to transfer them to the "appropriate department". Then just transfer them back to your own department (if the odds are good that you won't get them again), or to any random number that suits your fancy. I used to like to send people to billing, after yelling, "Sir, you need to pay your bill!", even if their account was current. By the time they made their way back to our group I'd have clocked out for lunch!

Now lets turn it over to you sad bastards working in face-to-face customer service. You have definitely got it the worst. You've gotta take it from their ugly faces without showing even a hint of attitude. Smile, kill them with kindness to the point that they feel guilty and end up apologizing. Then, when they're gone, copy down their credit card info and send it in reply to every foreign Email scheme that comes into your spam folder.

I used to work at the bill pay and equipment counter for a cable TV company. Folks would come in there causing a ruckus for one reason or another. The really nasty ones would return their equipment in a huff, yell out their account info, and walk out without a receipt. To reward their rudeness, I'd fail to enter the return in the system, and scratch the serial number off their equipment. I hope they enjoyed the $500 equipment fee on their last bill!

I'd speak to the world of food service, but you folks already know what to do. The important thing is that the customer never find out what disgusting things you did to their food. And when you circle the total for a large party's bill, make sure your pen goes through the included tip amount, so they don't realize that it was included, and end up tipping you on the total amount! Even if you don't have time to exact revenge on a specific client, you always have the satisfaction of knowing that the ice y'all put in every customer's drink is probably teeming with parasites!