Tuesday, February 23

Phil is busy!

My new hubby Phil is at it again. I keep telling him that his damn friends need to stop calling here, asking him to go do stuff with them. Phil's a married man, which means his ass is busy! He doesn't have time to go whorin' around with his blotchy-faced buddies at the off-tracking betting parlor or whatever! So tonight and every night, he's here at my goddamn beck and call because the bitch knows what's good for him!

He doesn't know it, but I overheard him the other day, talking about how much he misses hunting season with the boys, or the occasional week in Vegas. He even had the nerve to refer to all his vacation time as wasted on what he referred to as "Jocelyncations". Apparently he doesn't like being forced to go with me when I visit my peoples in Jacksonville every year. Tough tit, hubby. That's your job!

He's also been trying to sneak out with his friends on weekends, especially during football season. But then I catch on and remind him that I need him to drive me and my friends down to the Wicker Barn (wicker outlet!) in Augusta, Georgia. He should be happy! This is his chance to drive his precious Caliber , while me and my girls get drunk in the passenger seats and laugh and carry on like a bunch of cackling hens!

In an effort to keep the peace, I've made a deal with Phil. For one night each month I'll stay home and babysit my kids so he can go out and do something he wants to do. The only condition is that he needs to bring my preteen son Brandon along so the boy can learn from being around the guys. What he doesn't know is that Brandon is mommy's little snitch, so if there's any funny business it's Phil's ass!


_

77 comments:

Anonymous said...

Train your man right Jocelyn. Can't have him running around when you got children need tendin' to while you're living it up.

Anonymous said...

You sound like a horrible woman. Marriage should be a mutual respect for each others needs and wants, not a self-centered, egostisical clusterfuck that you have portrayed. Take the damn bus to "wicker barn", or drive yourself. What are you doing the 28 odd nights out of the month when you can't babysit the kids? If you're working, OK, but I doubt that. You sound like a woman with serious entitlement issues, which definitely explains why you are REmarried.

Anonymous said...

I think that's why you've lost a couple of teeth there, lord knows I don't hit women, but heavens you would drive me there...

Actually, no, I lie. I wouldn't even be there to knock another tooth out, if I were Phil I would have been LOOOOOOOONG gone.

Anonymous said...

Seriously, I see a devorce on the horizon.
Absolutely pathetic. If you can't have a life outside of the marriage then screw it. And making your son go along as a spy? Not only do you CONTROL your husbands life, but you control your sons. You're just setting your son up to marry a bitch like you.

Anonymous said...

You are better off single lady! God bless your husband for sticking around as long as he did. you are Crazy with a capitol C. Good luck being happy...ever! Do the right thing... leave your husband and give him the freedom he deserves. He should recieve an award for putting up with your ass. Get a LIFE!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, in a year or two, when your son's old enough that your husband doesn't mind letting him have some beer (if he's not already) he's going to realize that his one night out a month is way better.

You just sound like an awful awful person.

Anonymous said...

@anonytard who thinks taking the bus to The Wicker Barn is an option...
bus drivers frown upon larger than average cargo items, no matter how beautiful they are. Surely Jocelyn could go by herself, but who's going to strap her new purchase to the roof or hold onto it from the passenger window while she's driving her new treasures home?

Anonymous said...

Dear Phil,

this is from another woman telling you to run man!

Yellowstone said...

I don't understand why these clowns are giving you such a hard time here. Don't they know that "Girls just wanna have fun"?

Anonymous said...

What's with all the hate? Phil knew (or should have known) what he was getting into when he married her. If he doesn't stop complaining he's likely to end up being charged with domestic violence. Just ask her last husband.

Besides, he's damned lucky to have a free spirit like Jocelyn. If I lived in Virginia...

Anonymous said...

No gash is worth that. I'd go hunting when i want.

JPeaslee said...

Clearly all of these "anonymous" commenters are just Phil's old friends. Give it up, boys! He belongs to Jocelyn now!

Anonymous said...

If you'd stop talking about your husband like that maybe you would have all your teeth!

Unknown said...

Amen, sister!

Anonymous said...

"Clearly all of these "anonymous" commenters are just Phil's old friends. Give it up, boys! He belongs to Jocelyn now!"

Uhh...not really! I, like probably everyone else commenting, was linked this blog by a friend saying "wow look at this fucked up bitch." Was a great laugh!!

I actually feel kinda sorry for Jocelyn--what with her impending future alone in a nursing home once her kids finally get out from under her thumb (I'm sure her husband won't be around for too much longer)--but not nearly as sorry as I feel for her husband. Then again, she doesn't seem to have half a braincell, I bet he's smarter than she. While she's tooting her own horn on her blog, he probably has a pretty little thing (or two) on the side.

-Jessie in CA

Anonymous said...

What Phil needs is 5 roofies and a shovel. And Brandon is gay. And I'm still going hunting. With my nuts.

Anonymous said...

Man who spend too much time in doghouse will soon be found in cathouse.

Anonymous said...

God bless you; this is about the greatest god damned thing going on the internet.

Unknown said...

You have done it again!! Bravo
Love you Joyce
This one was too easy. It was like shooting fish in a barrel.
Don't ever stop writing these.
BTW, if you ever publish a book, I want a signed copy.

Anonymous said...

Anyone whose favorite books are Dr. Phil Getting Real, The Complete Idiot's Guide to Evangelical Christianity, Chicken Soup for the Horse Lover's Soul and Everybody Poops has got to be crazy. I honestly wish I could meet Phil just to apologize for how crazy you are. Phil, if you're ever allowed to look at your wife's blog, I'm so sorry.

DERPDERP said...

"Clearly all of these "anonymous" commenters are just Phil's old friends. Give it up, boys! He belongs to Jocelyn now!"

CLEARLY, since this isn't a blog on the internet. It's not like we don't have to know the bastard in order to know how to empathize with him, yanno?

Marriage isn't all about you lady. If he was fine with it, thats alright, some guys want that. But obviously since he doesn't from YOUR accounts, you're being a self centered bitch, thinking he should be HAPPY with a bunch of annoying harpies instead of doing something HE likes instead of something YOU like.

However he shouldn't be as self centered as you and compromise, which HE has done immensely so far from what it seems. How about YOU give now instead of take, take, and take.

Alex said...

Wow.

Wow.

Chuck your pride out the window and go to a psychiatrist.

You're going to ruin your son's life. Either, one, he's going to grow up and continue to be a "little snitch," and no one will take him seriously or trust him with anything. Or, two... he's going to grow up, realize how infinitely screwed up you are, and hate you.

This was my dad's childhood. It took him decades for him to stop hating his mother.

I pray that God blesses your life.

Phil's Friend said...

"ur reincarnation of hitler without an empire"

BWAHAHAHA!

That's it! Godwin's law invoked on FilthyRichmond. My day is complete.

Thank You, Jocelyn!

Kettle and Pot said...

"wootball" Is that where you yell 'woot' when you score a point? "devorce" 'Devoice' says devorce is spelled Divorce "I bet neighter of you have a college educatuion" Well 'neighter" do you. "First of all.." You know that's not a complete sentence right? "Second of all." I guess not.
Kettle: BLACK!
Pot: ?

Anonymous said...

My name is Lisa.
Woman to woman Jocelyn. How sad that you spend your married life breaking your man sprit instead of being his friend. Once he grows a set, and he will, he'll leave you because no man wants to spend his life as his wife's bitch, prison is prison even if there are conjugal visits. I have been blessed to me married 35 years to my best friend, who we mutually appreciate each other. There are times when I have girls weekend in A/C or he has a trip fishing with the boys. Have you ever thought that maybe your berate of your husband because of your our deep seeded inferior complex? How sad that you feel this is an accomplishment to kill that man's self worth.

Anonymous said...

Joss
You are possibly the funniest thing on this whole damn internet.
The posts are funny but the comments are hilarious. I loved your 'you'll be hunting for your nuts' - that actually cracked me right up.
Let me just suggest two things:
1. teach Brandon how to cheat at cards so he can ripp off Phil's dumb mates, and
2. make sure Brandon brings home some brewskis for Mama.

Anonymous said...

At least he can send the the kid into the store for the maxi pads you make him pick up while he's out.

Anonymous said...

WTF ? Lady, *(ahem) You have issues. Mutual respect is the definition of happiness in a marriage.

You will always be empty and I feel sorry for you. THe thing is that people can change if they want to. You just are just more selfish than honest and your children will hate you if they are lucky enough to figure it out on their own. If you continue the mindF$$%@#$U#$%CKing you are putting on them then I can assure they will not be part of the unhappy end to your unhappy life. Feminism has polluted your mind.

Smell roses and quit being a bitch, I would NOT put up with it.

Old salty captain.

Anonymous said...

Throughout my life I've remained agnostic, but you've made it certain; there is no God.

Astarielle said...

I'm so sad...you have what seems like a wonderful person with you, but you're ruining it by being self-absorbed. Please, sit down with your husband, and talk about his needs. Marriage is a partnership, not a contract of service.

Did you ever read "I want a wife" by Judy for Ms.? You seem to have taken it too seriously.

Anonymous said...

Have you ever had a man try to change you, alienate you from your friends, mold you into something you detested? If you had experienced that you would never try to do that to another human being. He's a man, not your pet. He will grow to resent and hate you (if he doesnt already) and it will be your fault, unless you give hime the respect any person deserves.

MeanRoy said...

Sweety, we still on for this weekend?

Here's hoping. :-)

R.

MeanRoy said...

Hi Jocelyn,
I haven't heard back from you re:this weekend.
I already have the flight and I sent the party goodies on via fed-ex. I hope it's ok I sent them to your place. I marked it "Personal - do not open" so it should be cool.
Since I haven't heard from you I checked out some of your local CraigsList ads, you know, just in case. Jesus H. Christ on a crutch, what bunch of pigs!
These hosers have a lot of nerve bitching about your looks now that I've seen a sample of local offerings!
(BTW, like I told you before, I think that little tooth thing is cute)

Anyway now that I seen how hard backup is going to be to find, I hope you'll get right back to me with some reassurance!
I'm sorry about that Valentine problem, how was I to know Phil would look at it? Ok, maybe I should have put it in an envelope.
I'll do better next time.

R.

PS, I've been thinking about that three-way thing you mentioned and I guess it would be ok if you're sure you can fit us both in.

Anonymous said...

i hope your husband knocks the rest of your teeth out with a sledgehammer.

MeanRoy said...

Thanks for getting back to me, glad we're good to go. (so to speak)
Heh heh heh.
Sorry Phil won't be able to make it.

Wow, I couldn't help but notice some of them there Anonymous dude/dudette(s) (a little gender confused if you ask me) sure sound jealous.

R.

Unknown said...

hilarious

Anonymous said...

I'm not one of Phil's friends... I don't even know you and am a better person for it. I do know this, I would NEVER, and I mean NEVER treat my husband with such disrespect.

Anonymous said...

KILL IT WITH FIREEEEE!!!!11

MAN THE HARPOONS!!

ITS A TARP!!!111

WOMEN NEED TO STAY IN THE KITCHEN!!!11

WOMAN SPELLED BACKWARDS IS KITCHEN!!11

THEY ASKED ME WHY SHE HAD TWO BLACK EYES! I SAID BECAUSE I WARNED HER TWICE!!

Anonymous said...

You are a horable woman you need help!!! you r are obliously a drama queen just becuse of this site you feed off what everybody is saying sitting there smiling at your screen as you read each and every comment made.... if you want attention so bad than go and get yourself a dog!!! Im not sure that the dog would want to hang out with you i deffinitly wouldnt!!!! nor would I want too. do the world a favor go to the store get a paper bag sut out eye and a mouth hole draw a face on that fucker and put it over your head! anything would look better than the missing chicklets....

Anonymous said...

What a catch you are, Jocelyn, especially with that nasty snaggle tooth. Get thee to a dentist and get that gap fixed, you imbred she-ape.

He's already sleeping around behind your back despite your best efforts to constrain him, some detective you and your retard son are.

Phil is going to give you the cunt punt posthaste, no doubt about it. Hopefully to the bottom of a deep body of water with cement shoes on your feet!

Anonymous said...

So let me get this right...

When you get married the MAN is not aloud to do anything but cart you and you friends around and look after your kids...
But the CHICKS when married can do what ever the f#*k they want...

hmmm...

I'm a chick, and your a f#*king tool, the rules that apply for him should also apply for you.

Like i could understand it a little better if it was all because he was cheating on you, but this aint about that, you are just f#*king who knows what I don't think there is a word for what you are.

you need some serious help, go see your doc!

Anonymous said...

With your looks, your husband must be double extra ugly to be able to be bitched around by such a wildebeeste.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know people this crazy and self-entitled existed

OTJAT said...

this is absolutely hilarious. i applaud you. no one gets it hahahahaha

Anonymous said...

Thank God you are not my wife. You belong in a dark basement with basic food and water requirements. I hope your husband leaves your psychotic self and takes the kids so they wont learn the ways of being psychotic as well!

Anonymous said...

Just looking at the pic of you makes me cringe, it's amazing you got a guy to sleep with you let alone marry you.

Unknown said...

Jocelyn, you are me hero! Some of these other idiots say that you have marriage wrong, but you have it just right! Phil is a lucky bastard that you gave him the one night!

Anonymous said...

You, and anyone who agree's with you, should book yourselves into the nearest asylum, permenantly.

DaisyAmazing said...

This is the fastest way to lose a man, the fastest way to having him cheat on you!
You don't allow the man any freedom, he will lie cheat and steal just to make time for himself.
Marriages are 50/50. Yes you spend time together, but you each need your own time to do your own things with your own friends. What you're doing now is proving that you have zero trust for a man you just married. You're making him think of home, and spending time with you as a chore because he feels he has to do it.
Try loosening up the leash and see how much better it gets, because right now, he is thinking how to get away from you, and once he finds a woman that will allow him that freedom you don't, hello Divorce~

Anonymous said...

You look like Mel Gibson with a bad perm and missing teeth.

Anonymous said...

You realise that your husband is going to strangle you in your sleep, right?

I personally wish him well and would gladly instruct him in the technique.

Anonymous said...

What a C*nt.

Rocker Man said...

Phil should be careful around youthful snitches. Safety First, I say. it's comforting to know you're raising a new generation of peepers, snitches, rats, and informers so we don't run out. Up here on the mountain, we don't have Wicker Barns or Pottery Barns, just horse barns and chicken houses. The local gas station sells sells whiskey and hog feed on the same aisle. Nothing really to snitch about up here. No body cares. The cops are busy smoking it up and there's firewood to chop...

Anonymous said...

Haha! If I was Phil I would have walked out on you ages ago!

Anonymous said...

As you see the comments exponentially increase, I'm sure you've at the least suspected the link to your blog is being shared. Well, hopefully you've suspected that since I'm telling you now that I was linked to this blog and read your short worthless outcry. What does a married man mean to you, to be your bitch? No mam, that would defy any sense and/or pride of the word to be a man.

Obviously if he chosed to marry you and have kids with you then he has been in one point in the state of infatuation with you for who you are. So in that sense I won't criticize on you for you are as a person, but rather yet your choice of actions towards your husband. I have some say on this matter if you care to read on:

1) You have the same responsibility of the children with your husband, and should raise them together. In spite of forcing your son to go with your husband, you use him to spy on him. Is that supposed to be cute? Well it's not, it's honestly quite sad that you not only deprive (or limit extremely) your husband free time with his friends, but even when you do allow him you show the least amount of trust in honesty of him from the case of your son.

2) Put yourself in relative scenarios as you put him to. How would you feel if you're the driver of him and his friends while they get drunk? Not so fun, especially when they show the least of attention to you (afterall, you're just the driver).

3) You expect a married man to sacrifice 90%+ of his free time for what exactly? For YOUR friends, for YOUR freetime (babysitting), and to deprive him of his hobbies with his friends for simply having him stay in the house like a dog.

I don't know who you are, and you don't know me. I'm saying this out of my reactions to your post, to share my thoughts to you and others as an individual of your 'situation' and the choices that you made towards your husband's supposed actions and desires. I must add that if I was in his shoes, listening to your complaints and your ripoff deals, I would not stand. You accuse of him of being trying to be selfish with his desires of hanging out with his friends but you fail to realize your own selfish lifestyle as you drag him into your friends while casting away him from his. Things should change in my opinion, but hey it's not my life so do whatever you want lady.

tomasz. said...

how in the name of sweet teenage Jesus is this post getting so much attention?

Anonymous said...

What is wrong with you woman!!

Anonymous said...

You go girl! he signed his life to you for a reason with that ring and you make sure he doesn't get ideas otherwise!

Anonymous said...

You are HILARIOUS!!
Thanks for brightening my day.

lurl said...

You are awesome. You've single handedly blown the tiny minds of half the mentally retarded serial killers on the internet. It's amazing that so many of these guys know how to spell "cunt."

Sarah said...

I agree, a whole bunch of commenters who can actually spell 'cunt' is refreshing (from Facebook, no doubt!). Kudos to the genius who linked them here (except for the 'mam' part, idiot), your intelligence shines bright. I think most of them even used the proper forms of 'your' and 'you're'. Smart, smart bunch.

Also, Jocelyn- may I borrow your son, please? Mine is too young to accompany my husband on his monthly outing. I'll pay you in food stamps?

Anonymous said...

I haven't been back for some time Jocelyn - it's nice to see you've maintained your standard. :-)

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn,
I've been reading you for awhile now, and I don't get all the haters. You seriously got some insight on life. Love your posts!!

Anonymous said...

"Jocelyncations" - sounds like hilarity and fun for all!

I still love you Joss, no matter the worthless opinions of these proles and hoi polloi drifting in from other blogs.

Thibault said...

Jaysus Christ, well this entire line of comments is just the dumbest thing I've ever read.

Robert Walker said...

I used to have hope for people but now I just hope you're the only one of your kind. You seems to stand for everything that is wrong with the world. You are a controlling, negligent, lazy, egotistical, lying woman. You should never have had children or been married. I honestly hope your husband divorces you and takes the kids. You are absolutely the worst person I have ever heard of, and anyone who agrees with you isn't that far off.

- Rob

Anonymous said...

what happened to your tooth? fix that first, then your man will stay home with you. :)

Anonymous said...

What are you doing on the internets, back to the kitchen

Ryan Parker said...

You are a crazy self absorbed woman....I'm quite sure that you hear that quite often but seriously give some thought to why almost all comment posts are against your actions. Learn that you are wrong in what you do. So many people here are taking the time to try right your ways but all you do it fight back without knowing why. Learning is the constant human condition unless you are retarded.

If all else fails I think the darwinian award should go to you. Phil should in his right mind leave you and not bare any offspring. The line of madness should end with you and not be allowed to continue. As for your child from the previous marriage he has a big burden to bare. He carries the weak self-absorbed gene and in all right should not bare any offspring too. At the very least he should be very careful that his children are thought in a way that I'm sure you aren't capable of doing or even understanding.

Anonymous said...

Phil, Here is a lesson
Pack your bags
Get the fck out of this toothless cunts life,
Get custody for the kids,

Cockstand said...

Even though the majority of comments make me sad, I love your blog a ton! If you wanna be gay for another day, just hit me up, and I promise I don't mind none of that tampon business. ;)

annacakes79 said...

I can see that few of these people commenting know that marriage is about sacrifice and "dying to your self" (getting rid of selfishness). God gives you the person that is opposite you, so when the two of you become one, you are 1 whole person, together. A lot of people think this one-ness comes with sex, but as Jocelyn has shown us, it comes from bending the weaker one to your every whim and swallowing who they are and leaving them a shell of their former selves, then remaking them into who you want them to be.

Thanks for the lesson, Jocelyn!

Facepalm said...

Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

oh, you. how i love you. i do i do i do! more than malt liquor, cute baby skunks and dumpster diving behind the grocery store.

Anonymous said...

I can tell your mother must have been beaten to let something like you walk on this earth. You must work at Burger King with a pair of teeth like that. I hope one day your husband leaves you and then you can be alone for the rest of your life like you should have been in the first place. Hope your kids never look up to you, your more like dirt they should be stepping on.

Anonymous said...

I've just happened to come across this and there's only one thing I have to tell you; stop being so selfish. True that to the people who said about you being remarried and losing few tooth. If I were the dude, I'd leave you right away. I wouldn't even dare to confront you because I'd be afraid of you beating the shit outta me. Stop being so damn narcissism and please start making some senses! Geez, woman! PS ; I do not know your husband, I don't even want to know both of you anymore.

Anonymous said...

keep on posting about ur dominant mommy role..dominatin ur household n ur husbabd..