Friday, December 3

Bitch, I run it!

As many of you already know, I'm the one who "wears the pants" in our household. I know some of you think that a man should have the final say, (as if that's some kind of privilege). Take it from me: being in charge isn't all it's cracked up to be! It's a lot of work, keeping the family in a calm, submissive state. Luckily I'm an office manager by day, so I have plenty of experience when it comes to micromanaging a bunch of dimwits!

My kids already know who the boss is in this house. I removed all doubt one fine day when I pulled the car over and bested Phil in a long distance peeing contest. It's amazing, the things you can settle along the railing of a highway overpass! My kids were impressed too! They no longer put up a protest when I ask them to scratch my back, which is covered in long, rubbery skin tags.

I make all of the house rules. Just last week, after falling asleep on the couch, I awoke to find an old animal cracker stuck to my thigh. Guess what? Kids are no longer allowed on the couch! And when my teenage daughter Darla asked me to offer a "vegetarian meal option" at dinner time, I said, "My pleasure, you fancy bitch! You now have the option of picking the meat off your dinner while you frown!".

You need to practice tough love if you want to raise your kids up right. Like when Brandon asked me to buy him some roller blades, I said "no". Then I gave his cousin $10 to punch him in the shoulder until he cried. Brandon protested by acting the fool and refusing his bedtime. He finally agreed to settle down when I threatened to lock him in the shed overnight with the hornets.

Family members need boundaries, so I've also established a few arbitrary rules just to show that I'm in control. For example, Phil likes to pee standing up, so I make him sit. My son Brandon prefers to do it sitting, so I make him stand. Don't you think I get sick of hovering by the bathroom door, figuring out who is doing what? Sure, I do..but that's the cost of martyrdom. You're not a strong mother unless you sacrifice of yourself to maintain a happy home!