I love a county fair!

I know, I've got that weathered look so common to county fair trash. So it will come as no surprise to you that the kids and I had a blast at this years Powhatan County Fair! The food, the animals, the games, the smells! Nothing beats it!

They all start out the same way. Drinking homemade tomato wine in the parking lot. Giving the kids $3 each to run wild with. Doing a couple lines of crank. Buying tickets. Ignoring the stupid religious groups that always have "free water" and "cool down" booths by the entrance. But from there, you never know what to expect!

The kids wanted to start out with the animal exhibits, which is okay with me. They really had all variety of blue ribbons at this one. Everything from "most miserable pony" to "brokenest-leg chicken" to "rottenest sheep's ass wool". There was even a canine category for "plumpest heart worms"!

Then it was on to some entertainment. They were able to get local favorite Johnny Ray's Weak-Ass Rockin' Blues Experiment. They had me dancing my fool head off! After that they cleared off the stage for some fun competition. My cousin Richie went up there as a joke, but ended up winning in a game of dares by French kissing a sick old horse!

I found the kids over by the Midway, where they had already spent the money I had given them. I decided to win them a prize. We looked at the various options, and chose the game that had the best prizes: day-glo fanny packs! They make you earn 'em, too!

Basically you have to use a tennis ball to hit a baby, who they've dressed up as clown. I tell you what, that baby could move! After my third set of balls I almost gave up! But on my last try I wound up, anticipated his movement, and nailed him right in the face! I don't know what kind of a mother would put their baby in a game like that, but damn, it was fun!

We built up a good-sized hunger, and the heat was really bearing down. Time for some wacky county fair foods, followed by some dangerously fun rides! I bought each of the kids a possum fritter, and a handful of that feed corn they sell by the goat enclosures. I treated myself to an old favorite, the deep fried hog jowl on a stick! It was the biggest one I've ever eaten!

Just for fun, we stopped to get our pictures taken with the 2008 Pickled Egg Queen! The kids loved her! I thought she was an ugly bitch, but this is Powhatan, so I guess they gotta take what they can get. She was wearing some kind of modified thrift store prom dress, and her shoes were clearly homemade.

Finally we headed over to the rides. Like most fairs, these rides were expensive! I told the kids to pick just one ride each, and if they were good then maybe I'd let them ride home in the trunk of the car! They all chose the Ferris wheel, which was good news to me, because those other rides are rough, and I didn't think we could take another barf-rageous episode like our flight home from Florida. After along wait on the line we were given our seats. We got to highest point of the wheel when the kids decided to dump their cups of warm fruit punch all over the folks below. It was embarrassing, but hilarious!

We finished off our day with a visit to the lame ass room full of typical county fair crap. Best pie, canned chunks of God-knows-what, longest peanut, boringest quilt, you name it. It's just a nice way to help everyone wind down and cool off after all the excitement. The kids and I shared a hot can of Coors on the way home and talked about all the fun we had. We all agreed that this had been the best county fair ever!