Learn some strip club etiquette!

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

As for the women, the rule is the same, unless you're there with your man. In that circumstance you do not need to tip. We get so much satisfaction from being sexier to your man than you are that the bitchy scowls from you and your stupid best friend you brought along are payment enough! Just make sure you watch your mouth. It would be a shame if somebody cut that pretty face of yours!

Another thing you need to know is that we always come to work, even when we're sick. I've stripped while fighting a flu, or even when suffering from really bad gas! During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit, and cats are notorious for that. He didn't agree, so I told the bouncers that he groped me, and they threw him skull-first onto the pavement outside.

There's one question that I'm gonna answer even before you ask it: Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off! Hell, one time I gave an ex-convict a dry handjob in exchange for a half pack of cigarettes. It ain't no thang!

Some customers will make proposals of this sort when the girls are coming around for their tips. That's okay, but not ideal. The best way is to approach them in the parking lot when they're getting off their shift. Show her that you're carrying a large black plastic trash bag, so she'll see that there's somewhere to keep her purse and soiled dance costumes while she's workin' you over!

Of course that's not enough for some guys. Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine. Get yourself a dealer, and enough cash to keep a steady supply. Before you know it, you'll be one of those guys in his late forties who's moving in with a stripper in her late twenties who wears low rise jeans with stretched out thongs that ride halfway up her back.