My three year old daughter, little Jailen, has been throwing tantrums all week over this Madagascar sequel that they've been advertising the hell out of. So I loaded her and 8 year old Brandon into the van on Saturday afternoon so we could take in a matinee. I packed the rest of their leftover Halloween candy and a gallon jug of cider into my biggest purse.
The kids were thirsty so I let them have some cider on the drive over. The parking lot was a goddamn zoo, as always, but we managed to find a spot near the back. Of course the ticket line was stretched all the way down the edge of the building! By the time we got up to where we could see the board it was obvious that the showing of Madagascar we wanted was sold out, and the next one wasn't for 45 minutes. I decided to take them to see Role Models instead and hope that Jailen didn't notice.
Role Models is R rated, which is fine. But the previews were rated R as well, and there was this one horror movie preview that scared the hell out of all of us. It had a crab walking dead guy and everything. Jailen started screaming and covering up her face with her jacket. Brandon just covered his eyes and sat there petrified. Once it ended they calmed down for me and manged to recover for the most part.
When the feature started I broke out the snacks. I could barely hear the screen over the sound of our candy wrappers because all our treats were "fun size". The kids fought over certain treats, and we passed the cider jug back and forth and everything was pretty swell. We also had a good laugh because Jailen kept tearing her M&M bags open way too hard, sending candies through the air and onto the floor.
For a while things were quiet and the kids didn't seem to notice that we weren't watching Madagascar. But then I learned something I didn't know. Jailen must be allergic to cider or apples, because she really started stinking up the place! I wasn't sure if she'd filled her diaper or what. She also seemed to have slipped into some kind of sugar coma, so I decided to ignore her, because at least she was behaving.
The movie was funny enough, but so damn nasty, with lots of swearing and sex jokes. Brandon kept asking me what they were talking about, and I did my best to explain. It was kind of annoying because I was also trying to hold a text conversation with Phil on my Blackberry. The screen on that thing is so damn bright that every time I looked back up at the movie screen I was seeing spots.
Some guy behind us got annoyed at our chatter, so he leaned forward and asked if we would please shut up and turn off our phone. I turned off the phone as he was talking, and that's when the usher came in. Then the usher left, and soon returned with the manager. He pointed at the guy who had been talking to us. The manager took they guy out to the end of the aisle and told him to be quiet or be removed.
By the time the manager walked out it was almost time for Madagascar to start in the next theater over, so I woke Jailen up and quietly led her and Brandon up the aisle and out to the bathroom. I changed her diaper, then brought them into the Madagascar theater and put them in some seats. Then I went back out, asked for the manager, and told him that the man sitting behind us in Role Models was still talking and acting drunk and needed to be removed. Then I went back to sit with the kids. I've gotta say, Madagascar was really funny, and a lot of fun!
75 comments:
You should have been the one thrown out of the theater
It's common politeness to remain as silent and invisible (meaning not texting) at a movie theatre as possible.
You violated that rule. He asked you to be quiet. Then you had him thrown out.
You're an awful person.
You're a pathetic excuse for a human being.
Your rights end where others' rights begin, but I doubt someone as obnoxious and self-centered as you ever gave a thought as to how your actions effect those around you.
Careful when you step down off that podium - If the drop is equal in volume to the bullshit of your unjustified self-righteous stance, you've got a long way to fall.
Instead of going to the movies why don't you save your money and spend it on some much needed dentistry instead...ugh!
You've listed just about every rude behavior possible in a movie theater. Besides the fact that you took your young children into a Rated R movie? I feel very sorry for your children, and completely understand why your husband left you.
I think your response to everyone's comments is interesting. You think because you purchased a ticket and have freedom of speech you should be able to do whatever you want in the theater? Wow. It would take too long for me to explain to you everything that is wrong with that statement. The fact that you think texting on your phone is equivalent to freedom of speech just shows that you are as stupid as you are rude. I hope your children grow up to be smarter and more considerate than you.
You should have been the one tossed out of that theater, I mean taking your kids to an R rated movie thats just wrong along with all of the other things you did that violate the theater rules. I pray your children turn out better then you.
LOL I love your blogs.
i wish you would have raised me.
id love to be a productive citizen like you.
i love you jocelyn!
Yeah, you're pretty much a bad person and the reason I don't go to the movies anymore
Joss - you've done it again.
You are one hilarious mo-fo.
I can't believe so many people actually make negative comments on your blog. What is wrong with these people???
My guess is that they don't have children of their own.
;-)
ugh are you serious?! this is horrible! why would you take your kids to a movie for adults, then complain about the content? then you are on your phone! you suck at life!
You are everything that is right with America. I wish I could buy you a thousand wal-marts.
So there you were, talking, rustling sweets, texting with a lit blackberry, and not bothering to change a full diaper. That guy asked you to be more considerate, and he was the one removed. Outrageous!
Jailen, uh huh. I bet the source of that child's name is an intresting story in itself.
I cannot believe some guy was actually able to get it up while looking at your ugly mug. You can be honest, you used to be a man, right?
Here's the thing:
If you wanna watch a film and chit chat and talk on your cell phone and talk to your kids during the movie, then STAY THE HELL OUT OF THE THEATRES, you stupid woman!
Get a DVD of the freaking film and watch it at home! Or better yet, get LIMEWIRE (free at limewire.com) And DOWNLOAD the film in advance! Watch it at home!
Ya see, we moviegoers are there to see the film. We are not there to hear your kids scream and chat and crap their pants.
When I go to a film, anyone who disturbs my movie-going experience can shut the hell up or get the hell out! Save that shit for you living room!
I'm the kind of guy who goes to the manager after telling the mothers to shut their kids up or go home. I'm the guy in the back row trying to enjoy the experience of a film without interruption.
I'm the guy who paid the $10+ to sit and watch a film with great surround sound and crystal clear picture.
For you to bring your kids with their whining and complaining and questions about the meaning of what they are seeing is equivalent to me going to your house, breaking in and shitting and pissing all over your beds, pouring gasoline into your gallon of milk, and spitting on all your silverware in the drawer...
Yes, it is THAT serious. So the next time you decide to take your kids to a film, LEAVE the cell phone in the car and make sure you bring some duct tape to shut them up, or I'll bring my own!
Sincerely,
Mr. X. Movie-goer
Jesus H. Christ, what the hell is wrong with you? What makes you so much better than all the other people in that theater? You are a poor excuse for a human being.
You live in Richmond so its no suprise you have an attitude like this.
I mean seriously, I would have told you to shut the fuck up too, regardless if you have children or not.
I see why your husband left you, and I seriously doubt you are all that happy about it either; you seem rude, bitter, obnoxious, and obviously angry at the world, and you were probably that way before you became saddled with 2 kids...if you are trying to pass yourself off as some sort of humorist, writing these little 'amusing' life anecdotes, I find no humor any of your words; I find you pathetic and what is truly scary is that you have children and you seem to have no problem blathering on about your poor judgment and parenting skills in allowing them in to adult themed movies and then finding sadistic humor in the fright they experience when viewing some R rated pre-views up on the screen; God know what else they have been exposed to due to your obvious poor parenting skills...that movie goer should have dumped a full soda on you that would have solved his problem, but then again, your the type that would sit in wet clothes the way you let your kid sit in a shitty diaper...I see CPS showing up on your doorstep one day...you should really seek some out some therapy to deal with your anger and your kids really need a stable, caring role model in their young lives to learn from since you obviously haven't matured past the age of, I don't know, 12 maybe?
Oh and an 'Office Manager' is your occupation?? Obviously it's not in a Dental practice...
Yeah, your ex probably left skid marks on his way out... and if those kids are his, it sucks for them to be stuck with you raising them.
OMFG - I have literal TEARS in my eyes reading the comments.....
Will you have my children? I promise to run around, come home drunk, and give you fodder to write about on a daily basis. You don't need to worry about money - I work at Arby's and live with my mommy, so money is no object! I can even take you out in my Pinto! It's a GREAT car!!! You HAVE to try the reclining seats!!!
You goddess you!!!
Do you know what a selfish fucked up twat you are? Great parenting taking children to a R-rated movie.(That is sarcasm). I am always pissed when my husband and I have to deal with children at R-rated movies. We usually choose not to see movies that aren't R rated at theatres to avoid children so this post really burns me.
Good for you for standing up to that bully who was interrupting your movie. I wish more people had your courage.
You stumbled upon a great child rearing tool. I always keep some DVD's of the scariest movies handy. Whenever the kids get rowdy like kids often do, I sit them down and show them some especially brutal scenes from Saw or something and then tell them that it's a true story and the guy especially hates kids who are loud. "He hears you and then he comes at night, when you're sleeping."
That really gets them to thinking and quiets them down real good.
Wow, you hit the comment jackpot with this one! I have been quietly reading your blog for ages and I must pipe up: YOU GO GIRLFRIEND! All these nasty commenters are just jealous of your stunning looks and inspirational determination and independence. Keep on truckin'!
A three yr old in an R rated movie?
The kid will probably grow up to be about as smart as you are.
My parents worked very hard to make sure that I grew up with better values, and in better circumstances, and with better self-awareness and self-discipline than their own parents raised them with.
What values are you raising your kids to have? I see this value: selfishness(the kids won't know the difference if I take them to an R rated movie, and I and my kids should be able to make as much noise and mess as I want and anyone who complains should just shut up).
Jeez lady, if you can't even get this one right taking a 3 yr old into a movie prohibited to view for persons under 18 (that's 15 years before their brains are capable of processing that kind of material in a safe and mature manner), then at least by a self-help parenting book and read at least one paragraph.
Ok, first I was pissed off, then I read some more.
Way to go Jocelyn. One of the funniest "columns" I have ever read. Up there with Dave Barry and those folks. Thanks for the laughs. Keep it up!
He had it comin' to him.
I think you were sitting in front of me - every time I've gone to a movie for the past five years.
Next time keep it quiet and maybe we can leave the kids in the car and I'll buy you a Bud Light down at Jake's.
If equating your purchase of a movie ticket with your right to "freedom of speech" is an indication of your critical thinking and reasoning abilities, perhaps you should be the next Republican Vice Presidential candidate.
Speaking of critical thinking and reasoning abilities.
THIS BLOG IS THE LOLZ
I haven't laugh this much in a long time!
I don't know what is funnier your blog or all the people that take it so seriously...
I just wanted to say that I think you are a brave and amazing human being - you have demonstrated a wealth of amazing resources - especially being a single mother and managing to raise your children. You seem very wise and I will enjoy reading your blog.
God bless you.
Is it any wonder your husband left you?
You need to grow up, fast, or you might loose your kids, which you obviously have not done a good job raising thus far in their lives.
Wow... Your story... Wow.
Did you really think you were in the right???
"oh yeah, my daughter went into a sugar coma so i ignored her"
you are a GREAT mother. especially the "lets-take-my-kids-to-an-R-rated-movie" part. i hope your kids get taken away and put into a better home.
I am trying to find your husband and show him how you used his money. I also am sending this post to child services in Richmond as they need to take a look at you and the parenting choices you are making.
Congratulations on screwing the system. You make it so difficult for the people to get welfare who actually NEED it. You should be so ashamed of yourself for receiving something you do not need as you earn "over $45,000" a year.
Remember that once you write something on the internet (which is your right as we all have freedom of speech) it is there forever. You do have freedom of speech but you do not have freedom to be a horrid parent. That is why we have a foster care system!
I look forward to monitoring your blog and sending them to the appropriate officials.
I want you. You are the woman of my dreams.
Girl, you got two movies for the price of one? You can't beat that. Also, how did you find a purse that big to fit all that candy and a jug of apple cider? Last time at movies, I was only able to fit a Reese's Peanut Butter cup, a bag of Combos, and a bottle of coke in mine.
This is something you are deep inside ashamed of but still hope other people were find your story funny enough to ignore that. No girl! This is not funny, it shows how stupid you and your kids are and how people like you are polluting the future generations. Kudos to your husband for realizing this and rectifying his mistake.
Yeah, wow, how full on are these comments?! Anonymous: "I would've just slit your throat from behind you for bringing a fucking kid into a movie like that." Come on, is that really a proportionate response? These commenters are hypocrites; they rag on Jocelyn's parenting skills, call her awful names and make threats of violence. What a good example they are setting for their children; the way to solve problems is through swearing and violence, yeah real great parenting right there.
You are EXACTLY the kind of person that everyone hates. You take your children to movies that are way above their maturity level, you talk/text during the entire movie, and you and your kids constantly make noise with all the candy wrappers. Why don't you spare the rest of us and just stay at home. We want to go out and enjoy a movie, not listen to you and your annoying kids. If you want to go somewhere to talk, do it somewhere where being quiet is essential for the enjoyment of others.
I can't believe you have the audacity to write about something like this, and think you are in the right.
Ah, the mommy who thinks that she derserves something because of her kids. Thanks for showing the world just how entitled you think you are. Way to go mom. Stay classy.
I hope the little monsters give you more trouble than you know what to do with. And I hope they forget you when they get older.
Oh man, I want to move back to Midlothian soooo bad now. :) This is great reading. Both for the blog and the comments.
Found this through stumbleupon.com, as did probably all the other anon. posters. Anyway, I hope that other poster does report you to child services because you're a low class idiot and not fit to have kids. You can't take care of your own teeth, let alone children.
Heyya Joss,
Try this next time cuz it was always a fav with my kiddos. Take some gummy bears and suck them just enough to get them sticky. Then have a contest to see which one of y'all can make the prettyest piksure but throing them in somebodys hair. Man, the last time we did that the little one beat us all. That bitch in front of her had a piksure better than that Pecaasso freaks in her hair. LOL
Best comments ever!
Look, u look horrific, definitely not breeding stock....that said, why do you have children, to perpetuate your less than middleclass existence?
I, by no means justify the guys attitude, but have you ever thought why you breed in the first place? I would think that sitting back and saying, my life is so great, I need someone to share it with me...but, alas no, I create life to have it share my drudgery. It's instinct....bull....we have learnt to suppress every other instinct...but not that!
Care for the children already created and do not be equally foolish and create more innocent sufferers.
I forwarded this post to your local child welfare office. I was sure they'd want to know they you were taking children to rated R movies, not caring if you child is allergic to something, and not bothering to changes your child's diaper.
nice, bringing children to watch R rated movies. why didn't i have a mum like you. oh wait, i guess i grew up normal.
You paid for your ticket.. So did the other guy...
Remember Your rights END when someone you start to make others lose Theirs...
By Texting you disrupted his right to see the movie undisturbed...
Wow. I'd like to think this post was designed and intended to get as many angry comments as possible, but it seems that THIS IS ACTUALLY HOW YOU LIVE YOUR LIFE. Amazing. I can only hope the people who aren't brave enough to put their name on their comments are still motivated enough to actually follow through with what they say - your children are in danger in your presence, and you have no right to be seen in public with your behavior and mannerisms.
Hilarious! Clever and quick. I like it.
Jocelyn, I am a hard working person that hasn't had sex since LBJ was in office. My outings to theaters are my only source of non mastabatory entertainment life has to offer. I will not say mean things to you like the people posting that want some consideration when they are unprepared to give it to you. If I do not like the movie I depend on your kind to rattle papers and blast ring tones so no one notices my crank jutting up from the bottom of my empty popcorn container. Can we just all get along so I can trick small children into sharing my snacks. What have we all come to. The meany ness I see from people that should love one another no matter their differences. I would like to advocate sensitivity to these soccer moms. They need all the sensitivity they can get. I wear dark clothes and look in their windows at night and some of the nicest folks do things that are supposed to be about sex but I don't see how chasing your husband around with the salad chopper can bring you to orgasm. That's just sick. OK smearing your husbands pienerschnietzel with tuna and letting the cat kick it off must be fun but why would letting a dog do what I saw him do to you be called sex. Maybe for him. But not you. I saw it all miss volleyball coach and shusher of the theater. Oh you know who you are. You leave Jocelyn alone. She doesn't deserve this kind of abuse. Please just please stop it. You guys just go on and on and she is a person too. Just leave her alone. She is my friend
Jocelyn, its called family planning, too bad the 2 people you call "parents" didnt experiment with it sooner...
I really have to say that you are a horrible parent and that not only should you have been kicked out of the theater, but that a social worker should intervene and remove your children from your custody for subjecting them to a rated R movie.
You're weird. I find that I get more quality relationships and a general better satisfaction out of my life by being respectful of others' space where ever possible and trying to avoid situations I know won't end well.
When someone is forcibly removed from somewhere, regardless of whether or not it's an adversary, it hasn't ended well. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Living in the US, I've grown up to be conscientious of others and tolerant of their behavior. I'm a citizen, which means I believe that diversity in society is key. I guess no one ever taught you tolerance. Miss No Nonsense gives No Nonsense women like me a bad name.
You lied about someone just to get them in trouble? I don't care about taking your kids to an R rated movie -- but that you did so, made noise, used a phone during a movie, and instead of just being modest you decided to deliberately lie and try to get someone there to enjoy the movie in trouble by lying ... that really sucks.
I am 100% positive you are blowing off all the negative comments here, but I hope these get through to you -- your approach here is not cool and does not display a lot of consideration for others. I truly hope you reflect on how you acted here.
As lame as this post is, the people in here frothing at the mouth about how this woman's kids should be taken away on the sole basis that they saw a movie that the MPAA rated "R" sound like card-carrying members of the American Taliban. You armchair reactionaries are far more disgusting and dangerous than anything mentioned in this post.
I don't know how yesterday found your blog.I book marked it to improve my limited English. You are a gifted writer , your crystal clear prose open like a tornado the Pandora's box.
Ps; I suspect many people like your haters are the kind who are in charge right now in the world over, just hide in certains school's degrees
Please don't reproduce anymore, you've already stained the earth enough.
Are you a moron? You let little 3 and 8 yea old see an R movie? Of course there are going to be scary previews. Of course they are going to notice it's not Madagascar unless your kids are retarded.
Take the kids OUT of the theater to use your phone, as well teach your damn kid how to eat M&Ms, someone had to clean that up and it definitely ruined their night because they were probably all stepped on.
hope we dont ever sit in the same cinema room, cuz i will slap u
People like you ruin movies Jocelyn.
You are a mean and selfish person. Also when you enter the theater you have to follow their rules otherwise you get thrown out. Texting in the middle of a movie is not protected by free speech. I hope your kids grow up to be nothing like you. The less people like you, the better.
Now I know why lions eat their young. It's people like you that SHOULDN'T have children. Please for the love of god, give up your kids, buy a tooth and jump off a cliff.
I would have taken your phone and smashed it on the ground.
oh lawd. piitb?
ROFL
You magnificent bastard, er, broad.
And the comments!
ROFL again.
I know this comment is on a very old post - but it was just sent to me.
You're bookmarked.
Just.
frakking.
brilliant.
I had to read this thing two or three times to realize that I was reading The Screwtape Letters, 2010.
You're just frakking brilliant, "Jocelyn." Drive on!
P.S. The number of peeps on the response to this who didn't figure out that you were a 100% irony supplement is even funnier than your essay.
Wow you are an awful person,first you take your kids into a rated R movie,make a racket,get the guy who asked you to quiet kicked out!You were texting ??? Seriously?
Are you out of your blessed mind?
They should have throw you and your stinky kids out on your butts!
You have no class.I feel sorry for your children.
Dont you be worryn bout that sugar coma. It only be dangerous if the kid don't wake within 24 hour. Plenty time to watch your movie in peace without having to worry. I give my kids coke , the pepsi flavour, its their favorite and they don't get it often. What I do is I slip in a few sleeping pills in there before we go off so I can have a nice quiet time without them fussing over every damn thing.
YOU are the reason I am so hesitant to go to a theaters to watch movies. Before every movie at any theater you go to there is a PSA or announcement to be quiet and put away phones. What is wrong with people like you? And to take your 2 small children to a rated R movie? As a parent and a movie goer I am disgusted by your behavior on all fronts.
S0 sad that people like this exist. I hope you get hit by a truck. I really, really do.
While you have freedom of speech, the private business whose theater you're attending has the right to refuse service to anyone and set up their own rules. It is clearly stated in many theaters that being on your phone in the actual theater is unacceptable, though you can step out and use them. It is common courtesy. The other patrons paid for a ticked just as you did, and have the right to a quality experience where they don't have to listen over you or be distracted by your kids and texting. This is anything but harassment by the theater. Many places have the right to kick you out with your snacks and huge jug of cider. It is a common courtesy to the others. You don't get special treatment. God be with your children and I hope they see around your sense of entitlement.
haha I can't stand people like that who try to butt into your business! Good work Jocelyn on giving that asshat his just due. These whiners in the comments are just jealous of how spunky and independent you are. it's kind of pathetic really LOL
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