You're too late, fellas!

Phil met my demands, and we've finally been wed in holy matrimony! Most importantly, he bought me one of those big houses I asked for! It's in a small development built within the boundaries of an older neighborhood. I like that because the houses on our block are much nicer than all the dumps around us. Another good thing about living in the Lakeside area is that everyone around here is unattractive, so I won't have to worry about Phil's wandering eyes!

Of course what you really want to hear about is the wedding! It was a lovely, no nonsense affair. We held the wedding and reception in Phil's neighbors backyard. The setting was perfect, other than the neighbor's kid's dirty faces, and the yard strewn with broken toys and shit. Also, Little Caesars did the catering, and it gave everyone constipation and gas. The sky was overcast too, but luckily it didn't rain, because the FunSaver cameras would have been ruined!

Phil was devilishly handsome in his new shirt, still creased with little squares from being fresh out of the pack. My three year old daughter Jailen was the adorable flower girl, dressed in her Halloween Disney princess costume. Muffin, my rottie, was going to be the ring bearer, but he bit my son (again) for trying to tie the little pillow around his collar. We decided instead to let the flower girl handle the ring, and Muffin's job would be to watch little newborn Orenthal James.

My cousin Buck handled the ceremony. That only cost us the small fee to have him ordained over the Internet. Phil's groomsmen were my other two cousins and my son, Brandon. Phil wanted his brother to be best man, but I said no, because I think he thinks he's better than us. My bridesmaids were my best friends, and my teenage daughter was my maid of honor. She wore my old prom dress, which she wouldn't have been able to fit in if she wasn't already so heavy from her pregnancy.

The nuptial vows were short and sweet, but our first married kiss was hot and sloppy. Then everyone hollered and we all got shitfaced. My cousins and my best friends ended up hooking up after dark, and they must have had fun, because they totally clogged Phil's neighbor's hot tub filter. Phil and I snuck out a little early, and spent our honeymoon night screwing like a couple of stray cats in his uncle's RV.