I don't even like to think about what life would be like if I didn't have a cell phone. This one simple device allows me to live my life to the fullest. It keeps me on top of my family affairs, what my friends are up to, and what time my next booty call wants to meet up for a little game of "No, I don't have a condom either! Ah, who cares? Just put it in!"
Have you ever looked around at your fellow commuters and wondered why they're all on the phone? Who the hell are they talking to at 7:15 in the morning? Well in my case I'm yelling at Phil because my kids don't want to ride the bus and I need him to take them to school. Or maybe I'm calling in sick to work so I can spy on my ex-husband's girlfriend.
A cell phone also has the power to make the people around you feel inferior. But it's not about the type of phone you carry. It's about having someone better to talk to than all the people you're with. It's about planning your next move because wherever you are just isn't cool enough. You don't actually have to be talking to someone. You can pretend. In fact, most of the folks you see talking on their cellphones don't even have service!
What I really enjoy about today's phones is how customizable they are. Mine is pink with rhinestones, and has a miniature dream catcher hanging off the strap. It also has a case which matches my Louis Vuitton bag. And I have the two best ring tones available. It plays "My Humps" for everyone except Luke. For him I've got this hilarious ring tone of Donald Duck having an screaming orgasm.
Luke is our babysitter, and he's is a tall, dark, disturbing fellow who came to our door one night to ask about our home security needs. I didn't think I needed an alarm system, but I did need a babysitter! Apparently he needed the money because he jumped at the chance. He's single, so he's always available at a moment's notice. The kids seem to fearfully respect him.
So Phil and I went on a special date to Bonefish Grill last Wednesday. I left the table to use the bathroom and forgot to take my purse with me. That's when the babysitter called, because my clumsy daughter had fallen through the glass part of the coffee table. I didn't find this out until later, because it took poor Phil the entire ring cycle just to get the phone out of my purse. I got back and couldn't believe the way everyone was gawking. I guess they'd never heard a cartoon duck cum before!
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14 comments:
i need to download that ringtone.
and am i the only one who laughs in a beavis way about "bonefish"?
You caught me with a moufulla oatmeal again. gui
the donald duck orgasm sound clip is a classic.
I knew that hobo I saw outside the WaWa with a ZackMorris phone wasn't really talking to somebody. I mean, who's a hobo going to talk to, anyway?
I love to text people who are sitting right next to me. Sometimes I call people in the same room just to be a jack ass. Never leave your cellphone sitting out in the open around me, though. I'll sign you up for a bunch of that shit they advertise on TV. You know, the singles line and that one that will tell you if your man is cheating on you? It's a pain in the ass to have to go through and cancel all those subscriptions. Mwahahaha. Evil!
BTW, Jocelyn... You never mentioned how that clumsy daughter of yours is faring after her fall.
I just called to say I love this damn BLOG. This shit is fine!
Mattonfire: no, see, that's the beauty of the cellphone. In the past, that hobo would have been talking anyway. To God, maybe. Or Satan. Or Tom Cruise. And he'd have been talking loudly, with fist-shaking, and he'd have been scary and weird, and you'd worry that maybe you should tell someone, or maybe he was dangerous.
Now, though, he's not talking to imaginary things. He's talking into his cellphone. And that's okay, so you can just ignore him and everything about him.
Which is why cellphones are fantastic!
Your post was both insightful and humorous! Loved it! And I totally agree, I'd be lost without my phone.
Jocelyn, I would have been way more concerned about my daughter falling through the glass coffee table, because I had to spend $12 on my similar table at a yard sale. I don't know if i could get another good deal like that again.
God, I wish you were my Mother!
I just wanted to say that your blog is friggin hilarious. I want a I <3 Jocelyn t-shirt, with pre-bought cigarette burns on them, kind of like how they pre-rip jeans.
Please keep up the posts! You need to work for The Daily Show or something. Awesome writing.
Anyone who could instil a sense of fearful respect in my kids' skulls would be welcome at my home. Would you mind sharing Luke's phone number and services with me? I'd be grateful.
Holy shit. I love your blog Jocelyn!
I have different ringtones for different people I either give a fuck about or HAVE to talk to and in the case of my ex-hubby, I gave him the ringtone that is from the Avast virus protection program that makes a siren noise and says "Caution, a virus has been detected". I love the faces of strangers who hear this and see me actually answer my phone and talk to s/one... indignantly, I might add.
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