My company just hired a new facilities manager for our building. Mr. Durwood Walsh is 62 years old, and I'm told that he's had a difficult time finding work. He was planning to retire with his wife, but that was before his old company laid him off, and his 401k lost so much in the recession. I'm glad our company gave him a chance. In light of his situation, I decided to put him through his week of hazing in secret, so as not to embarrass him.
On Monday I introduced myself. Mr. Walsh was very pleasant and personable. While he took the time to stop and meet everyone else, I snuck outside and laid a nice thick slice of cheap bologna on the hood of his car. Later that morning he spent his break time fixing our copier, which was all jammed up with copier paper. That's was nice because it's actually my job. While he was busy with that I took the opportunity to empty my Ped-Egg out on top of his keyboard.
On Tuesday he arrived to discover that "someone" had let all the air out of his trusty hemorrhoid cushion. When he stopped in to the break room for coffee I went over to his desk and shredded all the forms that HR gave him to fill out. Later that day he discovered some mysterious Pop Tart crusts stuffed up into his stapler. And he's been getting a lot of calls from a privatized number, but the caller keeps hanging up as soon as he answers his phone. Who on Earth could it be?
On Wednesday I pretended that my computer wasn't working so I had to use the vacant desk next to Durwood's. I spend the entire day distracting him with annoying sounds. I used my speakerphone to make all my calls with, wore my my noisiest bracelets, and popped and smacked my gum. I clicked my pen, burped, and loudly cleared my throat as often as possible. I also spent 20 minutes slurping the bottom of a milkshake.
On Thursday he called in sick. That's probably because I'm just getting over a flu, and I've been coughing on his stuff all week, especially his jacket. Now I hear from our director that Durwood hasn't been sick in a very long time, and this virus has hit him so hard that he had to be hospitalized! As of his call-in this morning he thinks his wife may be coming down with it too. The really funny thing is that his company insurance doesn't kick in for another 6 months. Still, it's a small price to pay for being part of the team!
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25 comments:
You are EVIL!!! I think I love you.
Wow, I hope your employer finds this blog and fires you over it.
WTF - making some sick is not funny, never!
Eh, if he kicks the bucket, there are probably tons more old unemployed people coming down the pike. Hire 'em and make 'em sick: you are kind of doing the world a favor, like if Euthanasia was more widely practiced.
Keep it up Jocelyn!
I have, and don't bother coming into work tomorrow. Hazing is a serious federal offense, if you come in the morning, you will leave in handcuffs at lunch.
Douche bag
ha, it's so great to see someone who still appreciates the art of good hazing rituals! Good for you, Jocelyn!
It used to be much different back before everyone got all wuss-ified. When I was in charge of my own department, without fail I used to have a "hazing ritual" with all the new secretaries sometime during their first week, if you know what I mean! Sometimes one of them would get uppity and try to complain about it, but it was times like that when I was glad that my boss was my best friend. He always promised to take it seriously, then he would find something to fire her for during her probation since he knew then that she was too uppity to eventually give him his own hazing ritual! Those were the days! Anyways, keep on rockin and keepin it real.
Dear Jocelyn,
One day I hope my toothless wonder speaks as eloquently as yours.
He probably reads your blog not knowing that you work with him, and now that he is sick and just read your latest post he figured out what is going on. He is probably going to leave a nice big shit on your keyboard when he comes back?
I love the part about the shake for 20 minutes...
I hope you get aids.
if you were doing this crap to me...and I figured out that it was you...woman or no woman...I'd beat the crap out of you.....if you wonder if I capable of doing it or not...a deaf mute once tattled on me at work (had to write it down) a friend of mine was in office and when no one was looking...he grabbed the note out of the trashcan and gave it to me...I caught the guy out at the deserted back dock...he couldn't hear me coming until I kicked him...once beat up a supervisor in a stockroom...told him that if he ratted me out and got me fired I was going to catch him out in public with his kids and give him a country whipping with them watching...by the way...he had 50lbs on me...but hatrid gives you strength.......there would be some ass whippings in there for your husband too...and depending on you children's ages...I have a lot of child friends...
With a name like Durwood, he's probably used to getting much worse that you gave him. He should thank you for showing him the merciful side of yourself. You didn't have to, ya know? The Ped Egg was a nice touch.
Those Ped Eggs are really amazing for keeping ones feet well groomed.
that was fabulous. I was so cranky today and just discovered that you had a new post today. thanks....maybe Durwood will die and then you can call me and I'll take his job as I just graduated with my Masters degree and those student loans are going to kick in soon...so I don't mind being a "facilities manager" aka janitor.
I wish we had secret hazing at my work. If he's 62, he is kind of asking for it ya know. He's too old and slow to be coming back to work and messing things up. Keep going girl!
LOL! I love it!
Also, to all these anonymous people...
Your =/= You're. KTHX!
I forgive you Jocelyn.
Jocelyn you are a goddess that guy deserves what he had coming to him. I bow at your feet and worship the ground you walk on
Ok, so this is your 2nd post I've read, and I love it more than the 1st. If you keep this up, I'll fall in love, and we dont want to go down that road...not yet anywayz...
You definitely know how to get people worked up. That's no so much the hard part - the hard part is bringing people to your blog that will actually read and get offended. Thanks for the tips.
Haha way to go girl. Speaking of PedEgg those things are great. Also me and the girls like to get back at the boss is to empty our PedEggs into his parmesan cheese container. Glad to see we are not the only ones that see PedEgg as a great prank / revenge tool. Keep up the good work love the blog.
You are perhaps the worst thing that has ever happened to 90% of the people you know. I would go all out and say 100%, but some people like the abuse. "Phil"
People *die* from influenza. This guy obviously had a weak immune system and purposefully exposing him to your illness was a very reckless act.
I hope to never meet you in RL.
You... you're a monster. Pray that you're never unfortunate enough to run into me - you're unlikely to leave the encounter intact.
Don could you be any fatter or gayer with your mustache? And you only say you love her because the gap in here teeth is the only thing small enough to allow access to your sorry 2 inch limp dick.
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