One of my favorite things to do in this boring ass town is to hit up a shopping mall. The mall is a safe place to let the kids run loose while I spend some of my extra cash on all the things that make life worthwhile. I like to be comfortable when I shop, so I wear my baggiest stretch pants, an oversized white T-shirt, and a black fannypack over the shirt, around my waist. I crimp my hair, and slip on my chunky black sandals (the ones with the four inch thick sole!).
When we get there the kids run off to fish coins out of the fountain so they can afford some games at the arcade. I usually treat myself to a snack so I'll have plenty of energy to shop. I got myself a big ol' Cinnabon at the Food Court on our last visit to the mall, and wolfed it down in record time! I was chewing the last hunk of it when I noticed some crazy woman standing near the Taco Bell counter, yelling and beating her kid's ass. I laughed so hard that a bunch of Cinnabon mess came shooting out my nose!
I wiped off my mouth with my hands, then wiped off my hands on the back of a stroller that was sticking out near me from the next table over. Phil and I drank a bunch of homemade hard cider the night before, and I had the runs big time. So I sauntered over to the women's bathroom to teach that handicapped accessible stall a little humility. My hands were still pretty messy from my snack, so I'm sure I left those rails in the stall about as sticky as a fly strip.
Shopping and eating aren't the only things to do at the mall. Sometimes it's fun just to pick on mall employees, like how I always yell "How them Dippin' Dots treatin' ya, fatty?!" to the big girl at the Dippin' Dots stand. And when I see small children throwing tantrums I'll sometimes sneak up to them and give them a really hard pinch, then walk away before anybody notices. Some of you might be bothered by that idea, but kids are our future, and it takes a village, if you know what I mean!
Another thing about me is that I try on everything before I buy it. If a cute top doesn't fit me I like to stretch it out with my knee so that it will never fit anyone ever again. And if something is a little pricier than I like I've got a good technique for stealing it. I rip one of those security things off another item and drop it in an old woman's giant purse. Then I walk out the door the same time as her. She'll inevitably stop and look around when the alarm goes off, and I just keep on going.
It was time to head back to the Food Court again for my fifth sample of sesame chicken. That's when I realized something else about myself. Whenever I'm at the mall I always look other women up and down, usually with one nostril raised in disgust. If they return eye contact I say something like, "What you lookin' at, ya gawky bitch?". It's a strange part of my personality, the way I have to show dominance to any other women I encounter. But that's the way I am, and I ain't changing for nobody!
The kids met me at our usual spot, by the candy machines. I don't like them to eat candy in the van, so I make them spit their gum out on the ground by the mall's entrance doors. Then, on the way back to our parking spot we play a game where they check the locks on the other cars to see if any are unlocked. When they find one they call me over so I can grab any valuables that have been left out. I've gotten quite a collection of iPods together from playing this game!
9 comments:
You're one classy woman, I hope you're turning those ipods for a profit!
Most amusing.
"So I sauntered over to the women's bathroom to teach that handicapped accessible stall a little humility."
I laughed my ass off at this one!
Jocelyn your blog is what I believe to be the most honest representation of American people today.
i have a crush on you
I always thought about that trick with sneaking through while another person was getting snagged for lifting. Never sure it would work. Now I know.
Hey, while looking for open cars, might I suggest looking for a new child carseat? Probably focus more on the vans. I know the ones at the flea market, and even Goodwill can get a bit pricey (unless you can get it from the donation bin before they collect that stuff up).
Something you're forgetting is that the mall can often be a great place to hook up with some richer guys. If you can get into their homes, who knows what you could 'collect' from them (besides herpes)?
And your right about that thing about other people's kids. You know their parents are raising them to be straight pussies, so one has to do what they can to make sure they can take a little pain. You start when they're young, they'll be solid later on.
I really wonder about you? Is she a social genius or is she for real?
why did your husband leave you?
are you part of a national organization because i feel like i've seen you at the local mall many times?
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