So last night I dumped the kids off at Mom's place and headed out for a night on the town. I'm a dedicated mother, but that doesn't mean that I don't like to go out and get my drank on! I've been back to my usual club since my ex-husband Kevin stopped going there. I started enough nasty rumors about him there that he can't get no play!
This place plays the best music in town. After a couple of drinks you can't stop me from shakin' my crazy ass all over that dance floor. I get nasty out there too! If the mood is right you might even catch me clappin' my 'donk all up on some sexy strangers! Things were going pretty good for me, on the dance floor and off. I was getting a good amount of attention, getting offers for drinks, followed by offers for a ride home! But you know I wasn't ready to go yet! I was havin' fun drinking, and the night was still young!
I ran out of smokes, so I ordered a fresh pack from the bartender, along with another shot of liquor. That bastard came back with my cigarettes , but said I was cut off from liquor. He even claimed that I was slurring and swearing a lot, but I disagreed. I grabbed the pack with one hand, swept a few drinks off of the bar with the back of my other hand, and yelled "fuck you then!". One of the drinks was a White Russian, and it got all over this one girl's nice black dress. I apologized briefly, but I'm sorry, she was just an unfortunate victim of this rude bartender!
I made my way to the bathroom, and that's when I realized how high I was. I almost fell forward off the toilet, which caused me to piss all over the seat. When I came out the club's bouncer was standing there ready to escort me out the door. I was feeling dizzy, so I didn't really mind too much. When I started heading to my car this handsome fellow started chatting me up. He complimented my good looks and offered to drive me home. How could I say no?
I pretty much blacked out the rest of the night, so I can't tell you much more about what happened. I woke up in my own bed, and he was gone. I'm fairly certain that we made love. The side of the bed he had been on was soiled with filth, so he must have been unwashed to the point that I suspect he may have been homeless. Another sign that he was a no account fool is that he didn't leave me any money on the dresser. And I'm pretty sure he stole our DVD player
10 comments:
this has to be a joke. if not, you seriously should jump off a bridge. you're foul!
O.K. You are f***ing hilarious! The fact that "anonymous"(that name sure is common) takes this seriously is just evidence of the decline of our civilization. Keep it up, this is too good! I ain't hatin' on you gurl!
Great work!
I'm not homeless, I just don't like to wash and I have oily skin and don't you ever accuse me of being a thief again and your garbage DVD player doesn't work anyway.
I was waiting for the part where you puked all over your shoes but it never came. Good story anyway!
Heheheheeee...
This is class.
Keep up the good work.
WTF is wrong with all you people? Give the girl a break..you think it's easy being a single mom??
Jocelyn; Fuckin btender was a dickhead for cutting you off. Yes you were drunk but you were standing up and ordering a drink/smokes so you weren't THAT drunk. It's not like you were pukin or anything. Props to you for doing your part to make a homeless guys life a little less worthless. It's a bummer about the DVD player but he probably really needed the money...or maybe that shit-eatin ex snuck in and stole it while you were at the club. That's why you should always leave one kid at home when you go out drinking....that's what my ex does.
btw..anonymous...ya'll are haters
what club? i wanna party!
I've seen better looking things as I get up, and turn to flush....
This is why I hate Richmond.
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