You gotta give back!

I'm proud to say that I've been donating some of my time to the community. So while the rest of you butt-skulls just sit on ass watching television, I'm out there mentoring a group of teens as part of a progressive new program. Kids today need direction, and sometimes need to be reminded that there is life after high school. They also need to know how to get the most out of their high school experience. That's where I come in!

We all wish we could go back to high school knowing what we know now. That's why I advise the kids in my group to go out and commit as many felonies as possible before they turn 18. I tell the girls about how much fun it can be to sleep with the gym coach. And the boys are sometimes shocked to learn these public school years could be their last chance to sleep with virgins, (yet sluts will be around for the rest of their lives!).

I teach them things that will help get them through these difficult adolescent years. For example, most kids don't realize that their dad's coin collection can be used to buy drugs. And if their dad complains, they can just load his computer with nasty porn for their mom to find. They were also interested in the idea that a few dirty pennies dropped in the tank could successfully kill a teacher's fish.

They had all kinds of questions about how to work the system. My advice was to weaken it in subtle ways, like stealing library books and throwing them away. Or annoy the teachers by talking like a rapper or a born again Christian. A few of the boys couldn't wait to try hitting on the lunch ladies to get bonus tater tots. I even encouraged one chubby youngster to plan a walk-out in protest of the "two taco limit".

To the outcasts, I could only recommend snitching on the popular kids, after planting drugs in their lockers. They had never even thought of using a car's trunk as a refrigerator for beer during wintertime. Or how you can get drugs prescribed to you by simply plastering your locker door with pictures of swimsuit models with their head and limbs cut off. I also told them to stop acting all depressed, because honestly, nobody gives a shit.

The hardest part is helping them plan for the changes they'll face heading into college. For one the thing, they need to learn how to cheat their way through everything, like grown-ups do. Also, they'll want to switch their morning breakfast routine from Carnation Instant Breakfast to a half pitcher of Bailey's Irish Cream. And there are no parents at college to check you out when you get home, so you might as well reek like cheap beer (and cheaper women!). And nothing says "originality" like streaking through the quad, flashing everyone with a view of your impish genitals.