The word has come down that the company I work for has been bought out, and my branch will most likely be shut down before too long. It's a bit of a coincidence, as I've been applying all over town for a new job these last couple months, and I happen to be sitting on a fresh offer for a higher paying position at a new company just down the road. Even though this is all working out for me, and I could just change jobs and move on quietly, I still feel like I've got a reason to be angry!
When the director of our branch heard about the buyout she just quit outright. That was before the rest of us even found out about it. So considering that I'm the office manager, and that I'm sitting on this new job offer, I figured I'd follow her lead, walk out, and leave my own mark to show the new owners my displeasure. The new company is sending their H.R. person in next week, and I wanted to make certain that she hears about my actions from my coworkers!
Everyone in the office was so worked up about the buyout that they all went out for lunch together to talk about it. I stayed behind. This was my chance to carry out my carefully planned exit. I figured that the most critical move was to walk out without telling anyone how to do those few important things that only I know how to do. Anything else I might do would be gravy!
So the I dug around in an empty desk and found an old system login password from a girl who I recently fired, and used it to log on to our system and deliberately screw up some of our customers' accounts (the only thing that the new owners really care about). Also, I used her corporate email account to send a vicious "up yours!" message to the company-wide email group.
I grabbed a trash bag from the supply closet and started trashing vital items from all around the office. First the 3-hole punch, then all the files in the "N-R" cabinet of our client folders. I also tossed the last two cans of sugar from the coffee station, and the ink cartridges from out of the printers and Xerox machine.
Then I ran out to the car, stashed the garbage bag, and grabbed my duffel bag of secret weapons, including two rats from my son's pet rat cage. I taped them up inside of a paper towel tube and stuffed the tube into the back of the coat closet. Based on my experience, those rats should have eaten their way out of the tube by the evening. Once freed they will undoubtedly make a nest and breed.
I went back to the break room, where I shoved a couple of bagels into our double toaster and pushed the lever down. When that old toaster is stuffed with bagels the little toast ejector thing is unable to pop up, so it doesn't stop toasting until they're completely burned to shit. Then I made my way over to that bitch Sarah's desk. I opened up the base of her computer mouse and stuffed the insides with a hearty fingerful of wet cat food.
Just before leaving for good I completed one final act of defiance by enjoying my last paid defecation in the building's bathroom. Thanks to last night's drinking I worked up a particularly nasty dump, and deliberately refrained from flushing it down. Then, just before exiting the building, I used my office manager key to enter the janitor's closet, surveyed the plumbing valves, and shut off the water flow to the restrooms. Then I locked the closet door behind me so that nobody would be able to flush anything until the janitor was called in to check it out.
23 comments:
I always find it inspirational when someone stands up for their rights like this. A Working Class Hero is somethin' to be. I would have left an upper decker though.
That cat food trick is awesome! I will have to try it sometime! What type of new job are you going to go to? Where ever it is - they will be SO lucky to have you! Everyone needs a 'go-to' person in their office.
Good luck with the new job!!! Do they need help?
BWAHAHAHAHA!
And the worst part of it all... YOU BLOGGED ABOUT IT ON A PUBLIC BLOG!
Just hope they don't find this or you can face legal troubles.
Just fyi.. when you "dug around in an empty desk and found an old system login password from a girl who I recently fired, and used it to log on to our system and deliberately screw up some of our customers' accounts (the only thing that the new owners really care about). Also, I used her corporate email account to send a vicious "up yours!" message to the company-wide email group." you admitted to a violation of the Computer Fraud and Abuse Act of 1986.....
You are a disgusting woman, and I hope that the fact that you made this a public blog prevents you from getting a job.
Way to stand up for your rights! We could use some headstrong individuals like yourself around here, and I see that your local. Let me take a look around and see if we can find a managerial position for you here. I'll get back to you.
It is so refreshing to read that there are such strong women in our world. Way to stick up for yourself and show those fat cats you will not take their shit! Best of luck on the new job and I'm definitely pulling for you!
I'll laugh whenever someone googles your name and this pops up. I can see the next article of yours on reddit..."Revenge on my cellmate!"
Just because you dicks don't stand up for yourselves doesn't give you the right to bash Joss. Joss is a hard-working woman who deserves everything she gets, but sometimes, as everyone knows... you don't get what you should. In that case, you have to take what's rightfully yours. If that means sending the office to hell, then so be it! If you ever need a hand, Joss... I can bring in some nasty computer viruses that work office space magic and perhaps cute lil' critters that thrive on burying themselves deep in a host's skin!
Pretty Petty.
What a bitch. I know it's tough losing your job but that's no reason to go around acting like a child. Plus, blogging about it on a public blog where anyone who google's your name can find it.. not exactly the smartest thing to do. Since you admitted to all that vandalism, they can hold you liable. You should probably delete this soon.
Joss Baby,
Good on you! I probably would have used the desks in HR for the defecation part but I understand it's probably hard for you to climb up pregnant and all. All in all, a stellar effort. You go gurlfriend...
What type of child defecates over the place? Working class? Try lower class.
"No wonder your husband left you.
People like you are the reason the world is going down the shitter. I find it amusing that by publicly admiting to being a bitch, to vandalisim, theft, fraud and basicly being a dumb ass that epople could actually say "good job".
For everyone out there that thinks this is a good act, I hope you dont kick up a fuss when someone breaks into yourhouse, steals your tv and does a nice big smelly crap in your house, becouse, you know, taking offense to that would be hypocrtical.
Oh wait, by looking at this blog and peoples responses, I do have to wonder if you even have the brain power to understand what that word means?
Congrats on being a dumb ass and bringing down the human populations overall IQ level.
Thanks."
HEY DIPSHIT, AT LEAST JOCELYN CAN SPELL. I FIND IT AMUSING THAT YOU SAY SHE WOULDN'T KNOW THE MEANING OF THE WORD 'HYPOCRITICAL'; HA! YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL IT. ALSO, FOR FUTURE REFERENCE THIS IS HOW YOU SPELL THE FOLLOWING WORDS CORRECTLY: ADMITTING, VANDALISM, BASICALLY, PEOPLE, BECAUSE AND HYPOCRITICAL - WRITE THEM DOWN. QUESTION: DID YOU WRITE 'CONGRATS' BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SPELL CONGRATULATIONS? SERIOUSLY, IT IS ABSOLUTELY LAUGHABLE THAT YOU CRITICIZE JOCELYN'S INTELLIGENCE WHEN YOU CAN'T EVEN SPELL BASIC WORDS CORRECTLY. ORDINARILY I WOULD IGNORE THESE ERRORS BUT YOU WERE SO HIGH UP ON YOUR HORSE PREACHING THAT YOU NEEDED TO BE BROUGHT BACK DOWN TO EARTH. THANKS FOR THE LAUGH ANYWAY, DUMBASS! PS: JOCELYN, THANKS FOR ANOTHER ENTERTAINING YET CONTROVERSIAL POST!
Hey Lisa,
I'm amused to say the least.
Although the above poster obviously was not the best writer, he/she did have some very good points and I have to admit that your reply, in caps lock (which equates to yelling) abusing him not for his point, but for his bad grammar, just helps to reinforce the argument made.
It might be best in the future to remember that an argument is best replied to with facts, not personal slurs.
It might be wise to look up how to debate for dummies. By what I have seen it might help you in life.
Well, you made a decent effort but your amaterishness is apparent.
Should you depart your next job here are a few tips for you if you need to leave another lasting impression.
Go to every microwave you have access to and pop in as many bags of microwave popcorn you can fit and set the machine for 10 minutes.
The stench of burnt microwave popcorn is non-pareil.
The rats was a good idea but warm furry mammals lack the sheer ickiness of millions of cockroaches scurrying around.
You can purchase a HUGE number of cockroach eggs at a reasonable price.
There are MANY places you can drop off those eggs; behind furnishings, inside printers and computers, into heat/air conditioning inlets and outlets, unscrew the plates for light switches etc and dump eggs down there, etc. After hatching, the impression made is long-lasting.
Is there a refrigerator in the break room? Many fridges have a drip pan at the bottom, the perfect place to leave a whole fish bought at a fish market. Get a whole one with head and entrails and give it a new home.
So many wonderful "parting gifts" you can leave behind.
Enjoy the new job, my darling.
Let's get married!!!!
You should be aware that posting these things in a public format such as this can have sad and disastrous consequences. Tampering with files, with the express purpose of causing problems for an employer, is actually illegal and can result in possible criminal charges and, quite probably, a lawsuit. Your actions have been noted, and I'm sure your new employer will be delighted to know of them. Enjoy your new job.
I too, find you to be an inspiration..
too many people are willing to sit back and let someone else "take the risk" or "take the fall"
I think it's disgusting that we're turning into a country of pansies
If there were more people like you in this country, we wouldn't have so much lip from all those countries that have like, "no redeeming virtues"
(which is basically everyone except australia. they have good beer and don't put up with krap either)
justin said that "you have to take what is rightfully yours" and remember that includes interest, dear.
don't begrudge yourself
that was clever, doing that after they had already done the security check at the new job.
I save all the white twist-ties I come across, specifically for camouflage duty in microwaves (nobody really checks until it's too late)
and for next time:
if you turn off the valves and flush all the water out first, and then put a sign on the door of your present, "out of order", then everyone will think that the plumber has already been called.
by the time they figure it out, that puppy will be as hard as lava
I learned that one the hard, I'm telling you.
Firstly, I cannot beleive a woman would use such language, especially when describing your "dump". Secondly, your actions were completely unwarranted. This is the problem with the "working class" you all complain about how you've been hard done by, when in reality you've done nothing exceptional in your life. Secondly, the fact that owners of capital choose to sell it off at certain times is warranted. Especially given the current attitude towards to corporate world, and the pro labour mentality that leaves workers such as yourself in a seriously malicious state. No wonder, capital owners are going out of business, you probably worked half ass your entire career. Dont say you didnt, i know this, all "working class" do, becasue they are jaded by the fact that a capital owner took a risk and is making profit from it. This capital is not yours, you are not entitled to it, and to be honest, you arent even entitled to an explanation of why the business went under. You just get your two weaks, find a new position and shut it......and hopefully you work harder to not only ensure this not happen again, but you earn your wage realistically.
There is my rant......ps, i have a Masters in Law and Economics, Ive also lost jobs without notice. feel bad for me? Bet not, cause im educated and not technically working class. Shit happens, it is just a way of life....move on and don't destroy property that isnt yours. In fact, I cant beleive you havnt been prosecuted for this.
Sincere regards "working class" of the world
Sorry
maybe with that higher wage you can fix that fucking tooth you're missing.
Jocelyn is who she is: and if you don't like it, then FUCK OFF.
I don't know her, but I KNOW that if she presented herself as MALE online, that most people wouldn't say ANYTHING to her, except to congratulate her. *YEAH, BUDDY* and all that stuff.
GO JOCELYN! The haters of both sexes can PACK SAND.
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