A few simple tips for a joyous Christmas season!
Fun Christmastime activities:
- Sit on your roof and shoot at flying objects
- Fill the kids' Christmas stockings with runny ricotta cheese
- Instead of a tree, display your gifts under a hanging, gutted deer
- Slam on the breaks when your car starts to skid on ice
- Spread your flu germs all over the office potluck
- Make love to a snowman until the frostbite becomes unbearable
- Slap your Uncle on the tits for playing the Chipmunks Christmas album
- Eat the candy you found in the toe of last year's Christmas stocking
Christmas gifts that will go unappreciated:
- Vintage white underwear with a crusty old elastic waistband
- The head of a beloved pet, stuffed and mounted
- Fannypack full of used up phone cards
- Two big mean baboons
- Repulsive Christmas themed lingerie for men
- Voucher for a week at the Camp for Fat Kids
- An oblong personal massager from Grandpa
- Hunting cap with big fake antlers stuck on it
- Used "Juggs" magazine and a bottle of corn husker's lotion
Holiday safety warnings:
- Beware of ugly chicks with mistletoe on their hats
- Drunk Driving is safer if you've got a plow on your truck
- That fake spray-on snow is settling in your lungs right now
- Egg nog, rum balls, and loose women can be a dangerous combination
- Use a stun-gun to help break through those crowds at the Mall
- Top-heavy women should avoid the use of Sno-tubes
- If an elf starts humping your leg you should just let it finish
- Be careful to give no more than you receive
- Don't be fooled by the big lie: most snowflakes are exactly the same
More jolly ideas from Jocelyn's Corner:
Spreading your holiday cheer!
Christmas shopping made easy!
10 comments:
I'm off to gut a deer.
Anonymous,
I really feal sorry for people who can't spell simple words.
I had to google "sno-tubes". I envisioned something else entirely.
I feal you, Jephy... What a dumbass; these are all awesome ideas for the kids and the older members of the family!
"I really feal sorry for people who can't spell simple words."
I sincerely and truly hope within the innermost depths of my thought processes that the submitter of the quoted comment purposefully mis-spelled the word "feal."
As for holiday cheer let us never forget the fun of passing gas while cavorting down crowded store aisles. Especially if the odiferous output is of such nauseating aroma that common citizens are left gagging in disgust.
Extra points if you can cause the masses' eyes to water due to the induced wretching.
Mighty fine fun there, kids.
very funny jocelyn!!!
mary
"- Slam on the breaks when your car starts to skid on ice"
That is too freaking funny.... lol
Thanks for the snow man idea! Ill have my kids run out and make me one to feel up right now!
- Slap your Uncle on the tits for playing the Chipmunks Christmas album-
- Beware of ugly chicks with mistletoe on their hats-
hahaha.how true,how very very true.
You are fucking hilarious. Love the blog. Keep doing what you're doing babe.
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