Spreading your holiday cheer!

I like to get in the Christmas spirit as early as possible. With my shopping done, and my Christmas plans made, I can focus on all the good things that make the season bright! Real Christmas spirit requires some effort. You can't just dance foolishly in a skin tight outfit of bright red felt and expect the spirit to fall into your lap!

Decoration is a nice way to start. I set up a fake snowman on our porch with garbage bags of used disposable diapers. Then I make the front door more welcoming by hanging a festive wreath of dog skulls. I also like to place a dish on the bathroom counter filled with holiday-themed novelty condoms that I buy from the truck stop restroom. And I decorate myself by wearing a colorful designer scarf, like some kind of Euro-trash.

Another time honored way to get in the Christmas spirit is to do a few nice things for others. I've delighted hundreds of neighborhood rodents by leaving loaves of candied-mealworm fruitcake all around the yard. I'm also planning to dress Muffin, our Rottie, in a traditional reindeer costume and bring him downtown late at night to greet homeless people. And next week, when my neighbors go out of town, I plan to donate all their belongings to the Salvation Army.

There are even a few little personal things we can do for just for ourselves that can make us feel festive. So tell your kids a story about the time Santa stepped on a kitten. Use a stick of Hickory Farms beef as underarm deodorant. Put on a Santa suit and get your fat ass lodged inside your own chimney. Try to break open some Brazil nuts with your fingernails. Or just head to the mall and give Santa a wet soapy lap dance in front of all the kids.

Of course the holidays come with their own stresses, so be sure to blow off steam when necessary. The best way to do this is by punishing the naughty. Maybe bludgeon that bitchy clerk at the Kmart returns counter with a giant Hershey's Kiss. Strangle a drunk with a lovely strand of garland. Go "Boston Tea Party" on that cookie store in the mall. Or use your crab ridden genitals to make manly love to all the Christmas stockings at Wal-mart.