Tuesday, February 23

Phil is busy!

My new hubby Phil is at it again. I keep telling him that his damn friends need to stop calling here, asking him to go do stuff with them. Phil's a married man, which means his ass is busy! He doesn't have time to go whorin' around with his blotchy-faced buddies at the off-tracking betting parlor or whatever! So tonight and every night, he's here at my goddamn beck and call because the bitch knows what's good for him!

He doesn't know it, but I overheard him the other day, talking about how much he misses hunting season with the boys, or the occasional week in Vegas. He even had the nerve to refer to all his vacation time as wasted on what he referred to as "Jocelyncations". Apparently he doesn't like being forced to go with me when I visit my peoples in Jacksonville every year. Tough tit, hubby. That's your job!

He's also been trying to sneak out with his friends on weekends, especially during football season. But then I catch on and remind him that I need him to drive me and my friends down to the Wicker Barn (wicker outlet!) in Augusta, Georgia. He should be happy! This is his chance to drive his precious Caliber , while me and my girls get drunk in the passenger seats and laugh and carry on like a bunch of cackling hens!

In an effort to keep the peace, I've made a deal with Phil. For one night each month I'll stay home and babysit my kids so he can go out and do something he wants to do. The only condition is that he needs to bring my preteen son Brandon along so the boy can learn from being around the guys. What he doesn't know is that Brandon is mommy's little snitch, so if there's any funny business it's Phil's ass!


Thursday, February 18

Unhappy hour!

The folks at work have been treating me differently ever since I took over the office. I understand if they're apprehensive about being friends with me. I'm their boss now. I've also fired all their stupid friends, so naturally they're worried about their own jobs. Still, it's only business. There's no need for them to be a bitches about it!

What really sucks is how I never get to hear any good gossip or anything because nobody ever wants to chat with me, or take smoke breaks together. The only time I hear about anything juicy is when I'm eavesdropping. So on Tuesday afternoon, while monitoring a few people's personal calls through our phone system, I heard one of the girls talking about how they were all going to happy hour that night. Nobody invited me, so I had to invite myself!

Buffalo Wild Wings is a favorite spot for the gang at my office. Everybody was happily sipping their first drink when I showed up. It looked like some of them even brought friends. They didn't even see me coming as I bumped up into the group with a "Hey, y'all! What're y'all doing here?!". They weakly greeted me. I could tell that they needed my help to get the fun started!

I headed over to the bar and ordered everyone a shooter that an old bartender friend of mine said he named after me: The HPV. I'm not sure what the name means, but it's made of hot sauce and cranberry vodka, and it gets you fuuuucked up! I brought 'em over to the table on a tray. I couldn't believe that a few people didn't want one! I turned on the pressure and convinced everyone to try it. This was supposed to be a party, after all!

I took a moment to teach everybody how to take this special shot. You place it on the table, wrap your lips around the shot glass, sit up, and tip your head back. Once you've swallowed the shot you've got hold the glass there with your lips and use your tongue to lick the inside of it clean. You should have seen them! They were all chocking and gagging like a bunch of punks, and I was laughing my ass off!

After that I slipped off to the bathroom where I ran into the new wife of Andrew, our youngest associate. She said that he had invited her along to meet everyone. I told her not to be nervous, and asked her if she wanted a bump of coke to help her socialize. She said okay because she was feeling a little anxious. Then the bitch proceeded to snort up a big fat line I had just cut for myself right off the bathroom counter. I was impressed!

We got back to the group and she starts acting really weird. She was all bug-eyed and asking everyone if they wanted to go party somewhere. I didn't want anyone to think that I had given her anything so I just left. On my way to my car I stopped to let all the air out of the tire of the girl whose call I'd monitored earlier. Serves her right for not inviting me!

So imagine my surprise when Andrew comes storming into my office this morning in a pissed off mood. Apparently his wife had kicked a drug habit before they'd met and now she's back on coke. They got in a fight and she's already left him to stay with her old drug dealer ex-boyfriend. How was I supposed to know that bitch was a junky? I told Andrew that he could have the afternoon off to go get his wife back. He didn't seem very happy with that suggestion, so I told him to get out of my face before I fired his ass.


Wednesday, February 10

My horny Valentine!

Y'all give me a hard time, like I'm some kind of bitch. Well I'll have you know that I'm a very romantic, giving kind of woman! And even though I enjoy a "open relationship" (don't tell my husband!), I always show him an amazing time come Valentine's Day. It's a good wife's duty!

The first gift I'll offer my hubby is a jumbo 7-11 Valentine's card. Inside he'll find a fresh copy of his favorite porno mag. Who needs the chafing associated with cheap lingerie when you can get the same effect by laying a copy of Juggs magazine across your back?

Of course we'll send the kids to babysitter for the night so we don't keep them up with all our loud freaky sex! We'll end up doing it on the sink, in the baby's crib, and maybe on a loose bed of my grandfather's ashes. And when that's done, we'll fondle each other with cold cuts in front of the fridge à la 9½ Weeks.

There are several other sexy tricks I use to get Phil off. But his favorite is when I crush beer cans by slapping them against the counter with my floppy left tit. He also likes when I grind on top of him in reverse cowgirl wearing a Michael Vick jersey and matching jelly shoes.

But enough about us! Valentine's Day isn't just about committed relationships like mine. It's about old fashioned romance! Young love! You guys can go cheap when a girl is still smitten! Just bring a homemade card and a little McDonald's surf n' turf. The gift doesn't have to be pricey either. Might I suggest a lovely crack stem rose from the gas station? Don't forget the Chore Boy!

Thursday, February 4

Losin' the weight!

Bikini season is right around the corner, folks, and it's time to lose those Winter pounds! A few of the girls at the office have had success with Alli, so I've been giving that a whirl. Unfortunately you can't eat badly on this stuff because it turns your food's fat content into a heavy orange grease. This nasty stuff ends up leaking right out of you like liquid gold!

I've had to resort to wearing adult diapers everywhere. It's not easy because they fill up quick, so instead of sexy love handles I've got a soggy diaper muffin-topping over the waist of my low-rise jeans. And try flushing one of those babies down! It turns even the most powerful toilet into a Bangkok stew pot. But at least I get to eat what I like!

Of course I'm still trying to cut back and be sensible. Instead of ordering a Triple Whopper from Burger King I've decided to settle on the Double. That's a savings of over 250 calories! Or instead of a tasty Big Mac, I just ask for two Big Mac Wraps. Low carbs means more yummy meat for me!

I've also been forced to stop buying snacks for the kids. Those tasty single-serving packs just tempt me too much! I always catch myself eating up their Lunchables, or polishing off a whole box of Fruit Roll-ups. The cupboard is so empty that I've had to give them my Dexatrims to bring for their snack at school.

I'm also encouraging my hubby Phil to shed a few pounds. But I'm not nagging the poor man; I'm using modern behavioural training techniques. When I catch him eating fattening foods I'll sneak up and perform a "Cup and Serve". Simply put, I fart quietly into my own hand, "cupping" the gas, then open my palm to "serve" it in Phil's face. It always succeeds in putting him off his food!

And yes, I've cheated a little! I've gorged on the occasional bucket of chicken here or there. But I always make up for it by getting my next lunch at Subway. I'd eat there more, but it's not very appetizing. Their employees tend to forget that the food safety gloves exist to protect our food, not just to protect their hands from money, trash, and cold cut juice.