Tuesday, May 25

Drive politely!

I know I get silly on this blog sometimes, but operating a vehicle ain't no joke, y'all! Crashes are a top killer in this country, and I ain't trying to die or kill nobody. That's why I don't play when I'm behind the wheel! You may be a good driver too, but that doesn't mean everyone else is. That's why I remain as patient as possible when I'm behind the wheel, and I'm always considerate of others!

If there's one thing I hate it's when I can't pull out onto a main road because traffic is so heavy. So when I see someone waiting to pull out of a gas station or whatever I'll be nice and slam on my breaks to stop traffic and let them out. Or if I'm busy with my phone at a 4-way stop, I'll just wave several cars through and yield right of way while I handle my business. Some people seem confused by this, then they proceed through slowly and nervously. I guess they're not used to people being gracious like I am!

Sometimes when I'm ready to leave a parking space I'll notice that some driver behind me has come to a stop and put on a blinker in my direction. While I appreciate his politeness in letting me out, I try to be the bigger person and wait for him to pass, which sometimes takes several minutes. If he doesn't go after a while I'll roll the window down, and signal with my hand for him to pass. Then I'll pull out of the spot when traffic allows.

A driver should be focused on the road, but it's also important to keep your passengers in mind. My kids often come along when I run my errands, and I know how bored they get watching the same old DVDs all the time. That's why I like to entertain them by doing some of their favorite things, like blowing through a red light, or racing teenagers from the county who meet in the Food Lion parking lot.

Of course we all had to deal with inattentive or aggressive drivers on the road. I don't waste time with passive responses, like swerving or honking my horn. When I see another driver acting the fool I move to a safe distance from their vehicle. Then I calmly follow them to their destination, and teach them a lesson that they won't soon forget. That way the roads stay safer for everyone!


Wednesday, May 12

The parent trip!

Mother's Day this year was a bit of an eye opener for me! My oldest left with her friend the night before and didn't even bother calling or coming home until Monday. Little Jailen made me a card out of construction paper that said, "YOR A MEEN MOMMY". And 9-year-old Brandon bought me a talking plastic pig that's supposed to help me with my diet by oinking insults whenever someone opens the fridge.

What I've realized is that my kids don't necessarily like me. But I happen to think that this is the way it ought to be. I'm not here to be their friend! I'm here to toughen them up, and that's exactly what I do. I make them watch old episodes of OZ. Later, when they refuse to behave, I threaten to call the police to come arrest them. I tell them about how they'll be taken to jail where there's nothing to eat but bread and water and ass.

It's important for kids to understand that they are second class citizens in the household. When dinner is ready you should be sure that mommy gets her plate first, then daddy. Then, maybe, the kids. Sooner or later your kids will learn that beggars can't be choosers, so they can either eat mommy's pizza crusts or go hungry! It may sound harsh to some of you, but I can assure you that my kids are grateful for everything I give them!

Parents today are always spoiling their kids, then regretting it later. I'm so sick of seeing ugly little kids out there bossing their parents around and eating McDonald's all the time and wearing store-bought shoes. Kids should be treated like orphans, wearing burlap clothes, making their own shoes, and occasionally being rewarded with a dinged-up apple as a treat.

I'm not what you'd call an overbearing parent. I've always taken a laissez-faire approach to child rearing. If their housekeeping chores are done, and they've checked their own homework then sure, they can do whatever the hell they want as long as it doesn't annoy me. But as soon as I start getting letters from the school it's goodbye privileges and hello Step dad Phil staying home and bossing them around while I'm out drinking!

My kids know that I'm kicking them out when they turn 18. That's why it's only fair that I help prepare them early for a long life of loneliness and neglect. The best way to learn self-reliance is by yourself. In these sparse conditions that I have provided for them, they are learning independence and survival skills that will serve them all their lives! Soon enough, when they're out there in the world making their own money, they can eat all the cereal and use all the paper towels that their hearts desire!