Wednesday, December 31

Hardcore resolutions!

One of the best things about this country is our spirit of self-improvement. Any one of us can up and change ourselves for the better, because we enjoy the freedom to recreate ourselves whenever we choose. I've realized lately that even I could be a better person. So this year I'm making some resolutions, and taking them seriously!

For one thing, I gonna stop wasting time in the kitchen, and start taking advantage of the affordability of greasy fast food. My kids love it, and so do I, because it gives them a nice shiny coat. I'm also going to scrub all of those stubborn stains off the inside of the tub so my new baby will have somewhere clean to bathe and play while I'm out drinking or getting browned at the tanning salon.

I'm going to call Mother more than once or twice per year. I'm going to make exceptionally good use of my new Christmas bong. I'm going to stop balking at offers made to me by telemarketers. I'm going to take the time to test the reliability of my many homemade weapons. And I'll remove all the stray socks and candy wrappers from behind the furniture.

I plan to exercise at least once in the next twelve months. I'm going to make millions by placing tiny classified ads. I'm going to give an innocent stranger the middle finger at least once per day. And I'll do my best to eat a vegetable every week. I'll make the kids wear their seatbelts, and I'll no longer harass my coworkers by eating beef jerky in an erotic way

I could certainly improve my driving. I'll slow down and pretend that I'm not going anyplace in particular. I'll stop using my turn signals, and focus on taking slower, more deliberate turns off of busy roads. I'm going to set up a Netflix account so we'll have better DVDs to watch in the van. I'm also going to stop wasting my money on frivolous car insurance

I'm going to start being nicer to fat people and gay people, and in exchange I'll be a little bit meaner towards fat gay people. I'm going to do a better job of learning from my horoscopes. I'm going to give that electric bread maker another a try. And one day this year I'll go down to the soup kitchen and serve up a hearty stew made from every old pillow in the house. I'm getting one of my teeth capped in gold. And I'm gonna get laid more often by less people.

Tuesday, December 30

All my exes live in Richmond!

If you've ever lived in Richmond then you know what a small town it can be. You can barely leave the damn house without running into past acquaintances, former coworkers, and of course, romantic exes. It's always awkward when you have to greet someone you haven't seen in a long time, but more especially when it's someone you've dated!

I'm quite popular with the fellas, so I'm always seeing old lovers out and about. If he's alone I'll usually either ignore him or give him a disinterested nod. But if he happens to be with a woman, it's different. For some reason I've just got to make the situation unbearable for all concerned!

I start out with a hello, and wait for an introduction to his companion. Then, as I shake her hand weakly, I look her over from her shoes all the way to her face. By the time we make eye contact I've got a nostril raised in disgust. Then I start ignoring the woman completely. I ask my ex how his mother or house pet is doing. Then I gaze longingly as he's answering the question.

Sometimes I'll flirt in an obvious manner to make his new girlfriend or wife feel threatened and uncomfortable. Other times I'll emasculate him by implying jokingly that he's a lousy lover, or incapable of taking care of himself or anyone else. If the mood is right I'll suggest that one of my kids might be his. It's also fun to coyly request his new cell phone number!

The best things to say are the things they don't expect. I'll say that I've been looking all over for him because he might have an STD. I'll subtly hint that he still owes me money for an old used car, or a long forgotten abortion. Then I start groping myself and talking about how much I miss him! It's about that time that he will politely end the conversation and walk away in a hurry, and I know that my work is done.

Monday, December 22

Super secret Santa!

I've been settling in nicely at my new job. I'm getting to know everyone, and while we've all been getting along well enough, I've noticed how clueless some of them seem to be about their shortcomings. That's why I decided to play Santa this year, and give everyone a little something special!

I was somehow able to pick out most of their gifts while browsing through Big Lots, which was nice, because these gifts were about thought rather than price. I started by grabbing a package of control top pantyhose for Susan, our secretary, because she has a gut that just won't quit. Then I bought a box of Biore pore strips for the HR lady, Helen, who has a mess of really thick blackheads all over her T-zone.

I picked up a bottle of Febreze for Amy, our accounts receivable girl, because she always smells like a trailer home full of unwashed Mastiffs. And I went with a large pack of generic Dexatrim for Trisha, the accounts manager, because it would be nice if she finally got thin so she could get past her obvious eating disorder once and for all!

Tooth whitener was the obvious choice for Darryl, the only male in our office (and the only one of us with a mouth full of rotting teeth!). Then there's Bonnie, one of my file clerks. She's always getting called into the school because of her shitty little troublemaker son, so I got her The Complete Idiot's Guide to Raising Boys.

My other file clerk, Leah, always has her frizzy hair balled up like a rat's nest, so I got her a bottle of leave-in conditioner. I had a hard time thinking of something nice for Simone, who handles our outgoing mail. I decided on a pack of moist toilet wipes, because she always leaves the bathroom smelling like diarrhea.

It was important to me to make this a surprise! So yesterday, when nobody was working, I came in and left gift bags on everybody's desk. I even left a bag with a new hairbrush in it on my own desk so nobody would think it was me who left all those presents! Unfortunately I took this week off, so I wasn't able to see the look on everyone's faces when they open their gifts!

Friday, December 19

Quick hints for a happy Holiday!

A few simple tips for a joyous Christmas season!

Fun Christmastime activities:

- Sit on your roof and shoot at flying objects
- Fill the kids' Christmas stockings with runny ricotta cheese
- Instead of a tree, display your gifts under a hanging, gutted deer
- Slam on the breaks when your car starts to skid on ice
- Spread your flu germs all over the office potluck
- Make love to a snowman until the frostbite becomes unbearable
- Slap your Uncle on the tits for playing the Chipmunks Christmas album
- Eat the candy you found in the toe of last year's Christmas stocking

Christmas gifts that will go unappreciated:

- Vintage white underwear with a crusty old elastic waistband
- The head of a beloved pet, stuffed and mounted
- Fannypack full of used up phone cards
- Two big mean baboons
- Repulsive Christmas themed lingerie for men
- Voucher for a week at the Camp for Fat Kids
- An oblong personal massager from Grandpa
- Hunting cap with big fake antlers stuck on it
- Used "Juggs" magazine and a bottle of corn husker's lotion

Holiday safety warnings:
- Beware of ugly chicks with mistletoe on their hats
- Drunk Driving is safer if you've got a plow on your truck
- That fake spray-on snow is settling in your lungs right now
- Egg nog, rum balls, and loose women can be a dangerous combination
- Use a stun-gun to help break through those crowds at the Mall
- Top-heavy women should avoid the use of Sno-tubes
- If an elf starts humping your leg you should just let it finish
- Be careful to give no more than you receive
- Don't be fooled by the big lie: most snowflakes are exactly the same

More jolly ideas from Jocelyn's Corner:

Spreading your holiday cheer!

Christmas shopping made easy!

Wednesday, December 17

There's nothing like free drinks!

I had a good ol' time at a bar last night! I'd never been there before (and will probably never go again), so I felt comfortable with being myself and letting loose! The regulars seemed impressed with the way I was pounding drinks through the entire happy hour. I was so busy chugging that had to let my cigarettes just smolder away in the ash tray!

Just before happy hour ended a few British ex-patriots showed up and bought me a pint. You really can't have a better time at a bar than when British people are in the house! By the time we were done singing and telling jokes I was half in the bag! But they soon left without saying goodbye. I guess they'd never seen a pregnant woman dancing on a pinball machine before!

I normally don't order food at a bar, but the baby started kicking, so I decided to slow him down with a double order of greasy onion rings! When I was done scarfing those down I made it over to the games area, where I beat a sweetheart ex-convict in a game of billiards. Easiest $50 I'd made all day. I managed to mess up his shots by showing off my assets from across the table. Real men just can't help but be distracted by my lovely lady lumps!

After he left I ordered myself a Bud Lite, along with a round of Bushmills shots for everyone at the bar. Once those were gone things really stared dying down, and I began thinking about heading home. I had been building a rapport with the bartender all night. I told him that I needed some smokes, but I only smoked Parliments, which they don't sell there. Then I told him (as I headed to the door) to pour me another beer, and that I'd be right back from the mini-mart next door.

As he may have suspected, I had no plans to return. I simply drove off without ever paying my tab. I've gotta say that of all the things that drinking inspires me to do, stealing from idiots is by far my favorite! On my way home I smoked a fat bowl of dank weed, and laughed about how stupid and trusting that bartender had been!

Monday, December 15

Spreading your holiday cheer!

I like to get in the Christmas spirit as early as possible. With my shopping done, and my Christmas plans made, I can focus on all the good things that make the season bright! Real Christmas spirit requires some effort. You can't just dance foolishly in a skin tight outfit of bright red felt and expect the spirit to fall into your lap!

Decoration is a nice way to start. I set up a fake snowman on our porch with garbage bags of used disposable diapers. Then I make the front door more welcoming by hanging a festive wreath of dog skulls. I also like to place a dish on the bathroom counter filled with holiday-themed novelty condoms that I buy from the truck stop restroom. And I decorate myself by wearing a colorful designer scarf, like some kind of Euro-trash.

Another time honored way to get in the Christmas spirit is to do a few nice things for others. I've delighted hundreds of neighborhood rodents by leaving loaves of candied-mealworm fruitcake all around the yard. I'm also planning to dress Muffin, our Rottie, in a traditional reindeer costume and bring him downtown late at night to greet homeless people. And next week, when my neighbors go out of town, I plan to donate all their belongings to the Salvation Army.

There are even a few little personal things we can do for just for ourselves that can make us feel festive. So tell your kids a story about the time Santa stepped on a kitten. Use a stick of Hickory Farms beef as underarm deodorant. Put on a Santa suit and get your fat ass lodged inside your own chimney. Try to break open some Brazil nuts with your fingernails. Or just head to the mall and give Santa a wet soapy lap dance in front of all the kids.

Of course the holidays come with their own stresses, so be sure to blow off steam when necessary. The best way to do this is by punishing the naughty. Maybe bludgeon that bitchy clerk at the Kmart returns counter with a giant Hershey's Kiss. Strangle a drunk with a lovely strand of garland. Go "Boston Tea Party" on that cookie store in the mall. Or use your crab ridden genitals to make manly love to all the Christmas stockings at Wal-mart.

Wednesday, December 10

Representin' with Critical Mass!

I usually avoid exercise in all it's forms, but I've gotta admit that I have the best time participating in something they call Critical Mass! A Critical Mass is what happens when folks get together to ride bicycles through a city in large groups. Everyone rides side-by-side to take up the whole road and create a fun-filled nuisance! Obnoxious bicyclists really piss me off when I'm driving , so it's just nice to turn the tables and be the annoying bicyclist for a change!

It was by pure chance that I even discovered this group. I was driving the van home from a bar one weekend afternoon, and I decided to cut through some weird neighborhood to avoid passing any cops. I saw a group of young people on bicycles with flags and stuff, all laughing and riding around together. Something inside me made me want to get out and join them!

By coincidence I had a 3-wheeled bicycle in the back of my van that I'd stolen the week before (from some moron who parked it in front of a halfway home). It worked out so well that I now bring it with me every time! It's got a nice big basket behind the seat that I can use to carry snacks and blunt objects. The extra wheel also provides stability, so I can play an active roll in all the shenanigans!

What I like is how Critical Mass is made up of all kinds, and how it changes a little every time. Of course you always get those dudes who dress like bike messengers because their whole identity is wrapped up in fixed-gear bikes. And you're sure to see a few smelly VCU Fan rats who show up way too sober to be riding an old pink banana seat bike. But these events also attract plenty of real people like me, who hold down steady jobs, pay mortgages, and raise kids (when I'm not raising Hell!).

The whole thing is really just your typical sort of protest, in that everyone participates as a statement for their own specific agenda. This spirit makes it all the more exciting because anything can happen! You never know if the guy next to you is going to wave a homemade flag, sing a song, or throw a Snapple bottle full of piss through the back window of a parked SUV! And due to the disorganization and lack of specific route for the rides, we tend to avoid any advanced scrutiny by authorities!

So about once per month I drive out to join the Critical Mass, and do my part to aggravate automobile drivers. A few of these drivers think it's cute at first, but sooner or later they get angry because they actually have someplace to go. Some honk, or yell. Some swerve back and forth a little to intimidate us. If they specifically tell us to get out of the road we scream, "We're traffic too!", or, "Eat shit!".

We know we've succeeded when the drivers start getting aggressive. That's when a couple of us drag them out of their cars and beat them with a bike lock right in front of their kids. A few people in the group pretend that they don't want us to beat those people up, which just shows you how silly these kids can be! Occasionally I'll find myself cramping up and gasping for breath because I'm punching and laughing so hard!

Monday, December 8

Christmas shopping made easy!

The way most people do their Christmas shopping just makes me sick. Waiting in stupid long lines for Black Friday specials. Putting tons of new debt on their credit cards. Wasting their hard earned money on gobs of overpriced crap that none of them even need. It's depressing, and it's senseless. This season should be about having fun, and not about spending a lot of money!

You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then, once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his new 36" HD television!

Another fun way to stock up on holiday fun is to steal packages from people's doorsteps. I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three year old enjoys her new laptop computer!

There's also the option of charitable sources, like Toys for Tots. I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office buildings. That kid-sized robotic dinosaur I snagged is going to knock little Brandon's socks off!

My final technique is a no-brainer. Folks are always looking for babysitters this time of year. All you need to do is post a few signs up on bulletin boards. Once the baby is asleep you can snag a few items from under their tree and move it out to your trunk before they get home. If you can find extra wrapping paper around you can always empty the boxes and rewrap them. This way you won't arouse any suspicion. My daughter is going to be so excited when she opens up the sassy new Dallas Cowboys jacket I took for her, and all the baby toys I swiped will be perfect for welcoming her unborn baby!

Friday, December 5

How I got my first job!

It's fun to think back to those awkward days when I was just a brace-faced teenager. We all remember the excitement of getting our first job, and the thrilling prospects of making our own money. Unfortunately, I didn't get the first job I applied for. But going after it gave me my very first opportunity to stand up to tyranny!

I was intially full of confidence, because three of the other girls from my high school bowling team had already been hired at this one bar & grill. The owner, who resembled John Leguizamo's character from the movie Spawn, was notorious for only hiring cute teenage girls for the waitress positions. So I put on my demure little prairie girl dress and skipped on in there to see if I could seduce him out of a part-time position!

I walked in, found the man, and didn't get two sentences into my spiel before he took me aside and explained that I wasn't even fit to charm the customers who showed up on "all-you-can-eat pickled egg night". He also said that my wolfy looking legs didn't help, and neither did the dark red hair above my lip. As he escorted me to the front door, he told me to maybe come back in a couple years when I'd, "stopped dressing like an Amish retard".

So my first teenage job was to send this motherfucker's life crashing down all around him! Over the course of the next month I called his wife anonymously, every three days, to coyly insinuate that there was something about her husband that she didn't know. His pale, chubby daughter happened to be a freshman at my high school, so I spread a rumor about her having Hepatitis C. The nickname "Hepatitis Girl" managed to follow her all the way through community college!

The final phase of my retribution was a master stroke! That Boss "Hogg" bastard drove an immaculate white Cadillac, with pristine all-white leather interior. One night I took the metal bucket full of cigarette butts and chewing tobacco spit that the kitchen staff kept by the back door of the restaurant, and I set it up in the back seat of his car. As he drove himself home that night the bucket rocked back and forth, until it eventually tipped over and dumped it's payload all over the seats!

Finally, towards the middle of the summer, I secured my first paying job. My uncle managed the service garage for one of the major dealerships in town, and he hired me on. It was a sweet job, flirting with the greasy mechanics, and accepting payments from customers for the Service and Parts department. It was also hilarious, because we would rip the customers off big time! Some customers would bitch, some would cry, and some would just quietly pay while secretly fighing back a world of rage! I can't say that I blamed them. $70 to glue a rear view mirror back on is some bullshit!

Wednesday, December 3

25 Rejected Underwear Prototypes!

The company I just quit from is in the business of testing new products before they go to market. My office managed the billing of their various corporate clients, which gave me access to all of the testing data.

Here are the 25 worst underwear prototypes we've ever tested:

1.Scabbies for Women
2.The Pink Panther Fiberglass Filled Codpiece
3.BVD Chewables
4.Pledge Lemon-Scented Nut Sling
5.Mr. Crotch
6.Richard Simmons's Technicolor Dreamstraps
8.Chiggers & Co.
9.The Bovine Collection from Dress Barn
10.Señor Pelvis's Pants Piñatas
11.Saran Wrap Disposable Skidmark Singles
12.Hot Pockets Pepperoni & Cheese Casuals
13.Wilford Brimley's Huskyboy Underoos
14.Smucker's Stainproof Raspberry Briefs
15.Bounty Paper Skivvies
16.Charlie Sheen Signature Series Crotchless Thongs for Women
17.Wetnap Premoistened Boxers
18.Columbian Mule Brand, with comfy contraband smuggling design
19.Pope Benny's "Touchably-Soft" for boys
20.Jello Jockstrap Jigglers
21.Ron Jeremy Ball Hair Control Jockeys with Baking Soda
22.Depends "Waterloggers", The Swim Pants for Seniors!
23.Frito's Chili & Cheese Dippin' Drawers
24.Brillo Steel Wool G-String
25."Lock-ups" Prison Bitch Training Pants


Monday, December 1

Missing: One tooth!

As some of you may have noticed, I live a hardcore punk rock lifestyle. I go my own way. I don't limit myself based on accepted social norms, or bend to the will of so-called authority figures. The best thing about being punk as fuck is making personal choices that will disturb all the squares. That is why I'm not replacing this tooth!

I vividly remember the night that I lost it. I was at some dumpy "all ages" club watching a local rock band. Almost the entire crowd was 15-year-olds, a few parents, and me. The kids didn't want to get too close to the stage, so I hopped into the semi-circle gap between the crowd and the stage. I must have been pretty boozy, 'cause I was whipping my hair to the music and slam-dancing with the front row.

This went on for several minutes until the bouncer grabbed my arm, dragged me outside, and assured me that nobody in there wanted to mosh. Dejected, I stumbled my way towards a few other clubs. A group of crusty squatter punks called me over to the doorway they were sitting in. They told me they were travelling and looking for a place to party. I thought they were pretty cool so I took them to one of my old lover's apartments. I still had a key, and knew that he'd be out for the night tending bar.

After an hour of emptying the fridge, drinking his vodka, and messing up the place, me and the one dude with liberty spikes decided to head out for some cigarettes. The streets were empty, and we were loud! Somehow I ended up on the roof of a parked car, using my right heel to kick out the windshield. That's when I slipped and fell face-first onto the curb. When I got up my new friend was gone and so was my front tooth!

While waiting a week for my dental appointment, I started noticing how people were treating me differently. Strangers stopped trying to argue with me. Employees of businesses I frequent just gave me whatever I asked for. They clearly didn't want to have to deal with me for any length of time. I couldn't believe how much character had been added to my otherwise average-looking face!

I must have also become more approachable, because I started meeting more guys, and fewer of them were bothered by the fact that I was married. After thinking long and hard I went ahead and had the dentist check out the condition of my teeth and gums. He was surprised when I told him that I didn't want to replace the tooth I'd lost. Why I should bother with a partial? The new look has been working out fine!