Monday, December 8

Christmas shopping made easy!

The way most people do their Christmas shopping just makes me sick. Waiting in stupid long lines for Black Friday specials. Putting tons of new debt on their credit cards. Wasting their hard earned money on gobs of overpriced crap that none of them even need. It's depressing, and it's senseless. This season should be about having fun, and not about spending a lot of money!

You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then, once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his new 36" HD television!

Another fun way to stock up on holiday fun is to steal packages from people's doorsteps. I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three year old enjoys her new laptop computer!

There's also the option of charitable sources, like Toys for Tots. I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office buildings. That kid-sized robotic dinosaur I snagged is going to knock little Brandon's socks off!

My final technique is a no-brainer. Folks are always looking for babysitters this time of year. All you need to do is post a few signs up on bulletin boards. Once the baby is asleep you can snag a few items from under their tree and move it out to your trunk before they get home. If you can find extra wrapping paper around you can always empty the boxes and rewrap them. This way you won't arouse any suspicion. My daughter is going to be so excited when she opens up the sassy new Dallas Cowboys jacket I took for her, and all the baby toys I swiped will be perfect for welcoming her unborn baby!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

You really need to publish a how-to book.

Anonymous said...

I didn't know your daughter was pregnant! I am so happy for you! I know she will be a great mom with you as her role model!
At least we know one more kid will come into this world raised right!
Congratulations!

Anonymous said...

Damn, Phil is one lucky dude! I bet you look HAWT in that UPS girl outfit!!

Anonymous said...

as disgusting as ever

Anonymous said...

Ew, people like you inspire me to believe in birth control and abortion. Disgusting.

Anonymous said...

Just to let you know that stealing packages is a federal offense... so even if you are lying about your location, I can't submit your profile to the F.B.I and no matter where you are they will find you dumbass!!! Your IP address from where you post your blogs will give them an exact location.... So I'm submitting your blog to them. I hope the next time we hear from you, it's after a 15 year stint in prison.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to send your profile information to the Richmond Police... Happy Holidays!!

Audre said...

i LOVE your blog! and the stupid people threatening to send your info to different agencies should be ashamed! I'm pretty sure even the most uptight guy at the FBI will LOVE to get forwarded info about Jocelyn Testes-Harder… and i LOVE how your blog brings out all the stupid people! as if you are the one Richmond should be ashamed of! its the silly people posting negative comments about your Christmas Shopping!

Anonymous said...

Fa la la la laaa HA HA HA HAAAAAA!
omg i was in a terrible mood this morning.i usually hate the holidays but after reading some of your helpful tips im going to go stalk out the mall.