Monday, December 1

Missing: One tooth!

As some of you may have noticed, I live a hardcore punk rock lifestyle. I go my own way. I don't limit myself based on accepted social norms, or bend to the will of so-called authority figures. The best thing about being punk as fuck is making personal choices that will disturb all the squares. That is why I'm not replacing this tooth!

I vividly remember the night that I lost it. I was at some dumpy "all ages" club watching a local rock band. Almost the entire crowd was 15-year-olds, a few parents, and me. The kids didn't want to get too close to the stage, so I hopped into the semi-circle gap between the crowd and the stage. I must have been pretty boozy, 'cause I was whipping my hair to the music and slam-dancing with the front row.

This went on for several minutes until the bouncer grabbed my arm, dragged me outside, and assured me that nobody in there wanted to mosh. Dejected, I stumbled my way towards a few other clubs. A group of crusty squatter punks called me over to the doorway they were sitting in. They told me they were travelling and looking for a place to party. I thought they were pretty cool so I took them to one of my old lover's apartments. I still had a key, and knew that he'd be out for the night tending bar.

After an hour of emptying the fridge, drinking his vodka, and messing up the place, me and the one dude with liberty spikes decided to head out for some cigarettes. The streets were empty, and we were loud! Somehow I ended up on the roof of a parked car, using my right heel to kick out the windshield. That's when I slipped and fell face-first onto the curb. When I got up my new friend was gone and so was my front tooth!

While waiting a week for my dental appointment, I started noticing how people were treating me differently. Strangers stopped trying to argue with me. Employees of businesses I frequent just gave me whatever I asked for. They clearly didn't want to have to deal with me for any length of time. I couldn't believe how much character had been added to my otherwise average-looking face!

I must have also become more approachable, because I started meeting more guys, and fewer of them were bothered by the fact that I was married. After thinking long and hard I went ahead and had the dentist check out the condition of my teeth and gums. He was surprised when I told him that I didn't want to replace the tooth I'd lost. Why I should bother with a partial? The new look has been working out fine!

21 comments:

mitzibel said...

Wow! All this time I've been thinking you're white trash, but now that you bring it up I see that you are, indeed, punk as fuck. And not some sissy-assed "meat is murder" politipunk, either, you're the genuine article! Just don't get screwed up and let some crusty loser pull as Sid and Nancy on you--I'd miss your blogs terribly.

TiaHermanaMaggie said...

Absolutely! I LOVE your look, girl! As I've said before, let your freak flag fly. Fly it proud and fly it high!

-MaryLou Moonsucker

maeghanjeanette said...

It is very, quite, extremely possible that I was one of those crusty punks. Not the one that made off with your tooth, but I could have been in that pack.

Love you, Jocelyn. [:

Laura said...

Hysterical.

Nicole said...

best blog ever... the best is how most of the comments on older posts are from people that have themselves all wound up because they don't get it! love it!

TiaHermanaMaggie said...

Regarding Jocelyn's Corner;

You notice how most of the women "get" it, while most of the men don't?

Anonymous said...

You rock that missing tooth girl!

Obbop said...

Dear Madam,

Rest assured you would fit right in here within the Ozark Mountains of southern Missouri.

Hereabouts, folks will stare with quizzical looks at those with all their teeth. A rare sight, indeed.

And, the more tattoos the better.

Unkempt unruly greasy tangled hair is also par for the course.

Lack of personal cleanliness is no hindrance in hillbilly heaven.

The lack of the above is enough to make most of the local citizenry assume you are either a revenuer or some other law enforcement personnel.

Not much high-falutin' folks over here 'cross the holler.

eperkins21 said...

I just came across your blog today and these are some of the funniest stories I have ever read!

Keep it up =)

Anonymous said...

Okay, let me see if I understand all of this...You want the East End kicked out of the county of Henrico because THEY are low class? Guess what...who is the one by her own admission that openly cheats on her husband? Unlawfully enters someone elses resident while THEY are working for a living? Steals his liquor and food and trashs his apartment? Then commits FELONY vandalism by destroying yet another hard working persons vehicle? While being drunk in public and probably on more than one controlled substance? While people in the East End do tend to be a little less fortunate than those of us that live in the REAL West End, (Short Pump/Innsbrook..NOT Lakeside), many of them are hard working, decent people who have respect for themselves and other people, which are a few things you could definetly use some hard lessons in. I think if anyone needs to to separated from the rest of is it should be YOU! Preferably behind bars!!

Creepydude said...

this is the funniest thing i've read in years. there should be a reward given out

Anonymous said...

Man ... all of my stereotypical thoughts about the south come true when I read your hillbilly blog and your adventures! Thank you for doing so.

Anonymous said...

Hahahahaha, to whomever is reading this: Welcome to America's asshole everyone. Free speech is wonderful, it lets normal, decent human beings laugh their asses off at the mentally dysfunctional ones who choose to speak up.

Have fun being a failure at life Jocelyn.

Adam said...

You will claim your reward in heaven with this FUNNY ASS SHIT!!!

Gargantuan Clamneck said...

you are hysterical...do you have any stories wit the cops...mAYBE A MUGSHOT OR THREE?

Anonymous said...

You are one evil, putrid, fuggly skank. That is all.

minkyc said...

Who the hell are you? I am laughing so hard I think I may have peed a little on my chair! Thank you for some honest, trashy, humor.

Doug said...

I got here googling female sociopath's. You seem like an entitled unreasonable shrewish cunt. Since men have to put up with that kind of shit out of your average woman anyway, I might as well hang with one that knows how to party. Wanna fuck?

Doug said...

OK I stumbled on this site about 30 minutes ago. Jocelyn may not become a staff write for jimmy kimmel
but she seems to yank the chain of about every tight assed yuppie piece of bitch slime that reads her stuff. Have we all had our sense of humor surgically removed. Or are all the foofed up turds of america really martians like the ones on mars attacks and Jocelyn will be the slim whitman that plays and makes your heads explode to save the world from the un american and communistic deviance that you would foist upon us all with your prius'sess prius'es with your priusi and your green friendly, small carbon feet printed on recycled douche nozzle plastic pointing your finger at the people who really make this country run and made it what it is today. Love the fucking tooth. Got the same exact one knocked out in county and I love to watch the kids of the psuedo wealthy squirm as I ssssssssss spit on the side walk in front of california pizza kitchen. Oh noooooo if you post this someone will say I am a bad man and that my trailer needs to be flipped over and that I am an animal. Well that one may be right. That mr yuppie man is why I am hitting that ass every day after you leave for work.

Doug said...

hey tia. you get it. I know you do. Or you will. Wanna know how I know. Cause I'm gonna give it to you. You need to let me nail you until I can work something up with Jocelyn. I don't even know what you look like. Just talk to me like you write here. I'll do the rest. If you are over 85. Or you are black with white eye shadow. Or white with black eye shadow. Or wear more than 5 earrings in one lobe. Forget all of what I have spoken of here.

Anonymous said...

LOL, MY ONLY WISH IS THAT YOU DIDNT BREAK YOUR FACE AS WELL AS YOUR TOOTH. THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUCKING HILARIOUS!