Wednesday, November 26

A Thanksgiving that doesn't suck!

Thanksgiving this year is going to be great, because I won't have to spend it with my ex-husband Kevin's stupid family. Those jerkoffs don't have a clue of how to do it up right. They always serve too many fancy appetizers, so everybody fills up before the meal even starts. Then they like to watch those parades on TV, which is nothing but a bunch of inflatable characters that are so old that none of the kids even recognize them.

The food they serve is what bothers me most. His idiot mother's turkey is as dry as a popcorn fart. The cranberry sauce doesn't have enough sugar, and the sweet potatoes don't even have marshmallows on top! His decrepit Grandmother insists on making that old fashioned guts n' onion stuffing that everybody hates. They serve cheap dinner rolls that don't soak up gravy worth a damn. And to add insult to injury, they have the nerve to make my children sit at the dehumanizing "kid's table"!

Come to think of it, everything about their house was terrible for Thanksgiving! It's bad enough that they've got the nasty pink padded toilet seat, but how am I supposed to work with single-ply toilet paper after the biggest dump of my life? Of course after dinner these assholes watch football games non-stop. I got so bored one year that I ended up drinking too much red wine and dancing topless with his fat aunt.

Then they've got all these goddamn little kids running around while I'm trying to take a turkey nap. That's just as well, since the living room couches are too short to lay on, and of course the recliner doesn't go all the way back. So the only option is the upstairs guest room, which is a bitch to get to when you're so full that you can't even walk erect. After relaxing for a while they drag everybody to the theater to take in the worst movie available.

So this year I'm happy to be keeping it to my immediate family. Luckily, Mother is stuck in that nursing home, so I don't need to worry about her inviting all our gnarly relatives from out of town to show up here and expect me to put them up for the week. (One thing I promised myself early on was that I'd never let smelly relatives take over my kid's rooms during holidays like my parents used to do to us.) None of my worthless relatives get along that well anyway, so good riddance!

I've got the food bank coming today with a nice Thanksgiving care package, which is really a time saver for me more than anything else. We can afford way better, but why turn down free food, am I right? Then Phil is taking us to the dump where we're going to hunt rodents with his paint ball guns! You know what they say! "The family that preys together, stays together"! Finally, we'll settle in on the couch to watch The Shining. I hope my three year old loves it as much as I did when I was her age!

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17 comments:

Anonymous said...

Mother of the year. My ass

TiaHermanaMaggie said...

Dear Joce,

It sounds like you and I have the same relatives. I'm not even going to DO Thanksgiving this year. That's something to give 'thanks' for.

Shoot a big rodent for me!

MaryLou Moonsucker

Anonymous said...

sounds like your ex got out just in time. Id have left you too, you've got a crappy attitude, and will end up alone, lonely and bitter. and shame on you for taking a charity meal you dont need. there are many more people in this world more deserving than you. and while youre at it, take some of the child support money and blow it on a new grill, in other words, fix those teeth and maybe youll land yourself another sucker....er, i mean man.

Anonymous said...

You know them ther rodents is pretty damned tasty when ya cook em up right on a wuur coat hangar.
you should probly wanna skin em first just so's youd know.

Oh yeh, and make sure that theys all the way dead before you try to skin em.
Theys got sum big ass teeth and will hurt you real bad.
Just to make sure theys dead I likess to hold em by the tail and hav clemmy back over there heads with the truck.
Pops em like a dropped waddymellon fallin offa the back of the truck

Dang, Im hongry now...

Anonymous said...

FLAWLESS VICTORY

Justin said...

Mother of the Year. And I mean it. It'll pay off when Mother's Day rolls around and you get more cool stuff than a rich kid at Christmas time!

Anonymous said...

Terrible.

Anonymous said...

> November 26, 2008 2:50 PM

A winrar is yuo

Anonymous said...

I can't tell whether I'm sad for the people who leave vitriolic comments here, or whether I love them for entertainment purposes.

Obbop said...

Why is it so difficult to procur a tasty tater so as to concoct an assemblage of that devine dish commonly known as "mashed taters"?

Most spuds anymore look and taste as if they have been in storage for a year or more or have been imported from some far-off ferrin' country full of itty bitty people who seldom, if ever, wash their hands.

All I ask for from life is a decent pile of taters but... Nooooooo!!!!

I blame Bush and Obama and bin Laden and any other upper-crust lackey of the elite-class who are obviously intent upon keeping the common folk down, shoving us into the quagmire of economic servitude.

Sniff.

How do you cook rat?

Johnny said...

Joce I hope you avoided all those jerks today while you shopped for Christmas given you're pregnant and all. You know how dem hoe's can get grabbing for that last toy or Plasma TV! I hope the altercations were kept to a minimum but you know how to handle those skeezy bitches. Happy Thanksgiving and glad to hear your daughter is pregnant!

Meade Skelton said...

Yer blog is just too funny! Thanks for that.

Anonymous said...

You are a ghastly woman. Your blog isn't funny, it's disgusting and vile. I feel soiled just having read a little bit.

You made your three year old daughter watch the Shining? What kind of sick fuck are you? No wonder your daughter is knocked up at the age of 15 with an appalling example like you to follow. I weep for your unborn child. You make me want to be ill.
To recap: you're disgusting. Die alone m'kay?

Anonymous said...

Stupid ugly whore

Anonymous said...

[reads]

*snort*

[reads comments]

*wipes tear from eye*

Anonymous said...

I've never read your blog before but that was awesome!!! Sounds like a good Thanksgiving to me! LOL

Anonymous said...

"I've got the food bank coming today with a nice Thanksgiving care package, which is really a time saver for me more than anything else. We can afford way better, but why turn down free food, am I right?"

Burn in hell, bitch. There's other people out there who could benefit more than your thankless self. Just because people don't do Thanksgiving your redneck way doesn't mean you can't be appreciative of their hospitality.