Monday, November 24

Pregnancy loves company!

I'm just over 7 months pregnant now. It's insufferable. I'm having a difficult time finding new guys who want to get with me, and nobody wants to sell me any drugs, which I need because I'm moody as hell. That makes me even angrier! I really need to get high sometimes. I can't risk messing up my new job by losing my temper. Hell, I can't even relax when I'm supposed to!

Like on Saturday. I was out at the club, gettin' my drink on and dancing a little. It had been a pretty weak night, until I caught the attention of a half dozen Mexican construction workers. They started talking about trying to bring me back to their motel room. Suddenly this rat-faced little bitch stomps over and gets right in my face, saying she was with them and that they had no interest in me anyway.

Normally I'm too smart to get violent. But you know I can't have no smelly, pockmarked slut pointing in my face and blowin' up my spot! As if her insults weren't enough, her stank breath just about turned my stomach. I walked off, took a seat across the bar, and began to bide my time. I continued to keep an eye on her without raising suspicion.

After about an hour I saw her heading towards the ladies room. I followed. I entered quietly and listened. She sounded like a cow pissing on a flat rock. Then she flushed, opened the stall door, and met with one powerful burst of orange dyed mace from the can that I keep in my purse! As she screamed and reached for her eyes, I smacked her in the nose as hard as I could. Then I turned, kicked open the bathroom door, and moved casually towards the exit.

My hand was burning all night from that mace, and it'll probably be stained orange for a week! It's a good thing my new job doesn't start until then, or I'd have some explaining to do! It would be nice to tell somebody though, just to vent! All this stress and bullshit does not make for a healthy pregnancy. Life can really pile it on like that sometimes!

So you can probably imagine how delighted I was to hear some good news! My daughter Darla is pregnant now too! Granted she's only 15, but we've got the money to support another child, so what's the harm? In a way I feel I need to help her take responsibility for this baby, because I've given her all kinds of hell for stealing condoms from my bedside drawer. I wanted her to buy her own, and I know how inconvenient that can be. Now she's going to learn how inconvenient a baby can be!

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

you, my dear are a shameful human being... poisoning your child in the womb? Despicable. You deserve everything this life has given you, except children. You should be neutered.

Anonymous said...

What were you trying for abstinence only education?

That is the only way to admire the sanctity of life by bringing as many children as possible into the world.

We're building God's Army here, people.

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, my first-grader swiped my psychiatric meds. What should I do?

I needed them.

Anonymous said...

Reading this blog makes me sick...

Dan said...

Reading this blog make me laugh

Anonymous said...

"What's the harm" in another child you asK? Only the fact that your brood of breeders becomes a drain society.

Anonymous said...

White trash thy name is Jocelyn. I hope the Department of Children and families checks this out. I'll make sure to forward it to them.

Ang said...

15 is the age where they always have to learn the hard way! At least she didn't waste a condom.

George said...

Baby, forget what all these people say. I think you're beautiful - retarded baby in your gut and all. I'd marry you, but you're disgusting. So, that said, I'd love to fulfill my sick sexual sadistic fantasies with you. Let me know.

Anonymous said...

Congratulations to your daughter!!! Does she know who the daddy is or does she still have to narrow it down? OH! Maybe she can go on Maury and get a paternity test? I heard they pay for your flight and everything - what a great way to get a free vacation! You know that you would have to go with her and lord knows you deserve a good vacation before that new kid gets here!

Anonymous said...

Wow.....what a slut! Both of them. Like mother like daughter

Meade Skelton said...

Can you name the baby after me !?

Anonymous said...

Me heart you long time. If I wasn't gayer than a picnic basket, I would be all over you like Oprah on a ham.

Anonymous said...

you are a idiot. that is the only way to describe you. a fucking idiot

Ra said...

Congratulatons to you daughter! Like I told my little girl, at least now she can enjoy sex for 9 months without having to hassle with condoms or worry about getting pregnant.

If I breed another girl, I'm gonna name her Cinderella. I love that name.

Anonymous said...

Damn Giiirl! you better slap that daughter of yours into shape! HOW DARE SHE steal condoms from you!

You ought to profit from her pregnancy by training her to be a wet nurse.

Ralph Klein said...

Jocelyn, you are my kind of bitch! If I hadn't lost my testicles in a machine shop accident, I'd wanna have lots of little fish-faced babies with you. Fetal alcohol syndrome means your little darlings never have to grow up and be all expensive with college and stuff.

Mind you, now that I'm nutless, my settlement cheques keep my floatin' on Oxy-Contin and beer.

Anonymous said...

I wish you and your stillborn little inbred floating around inside your rotten skank womb all the best! Hope to see you in the papers soon in the "recently deceased" column!

Anonymous said...

If you and your want anymore after these two pop let me know...I can't really help with supporting them but would love to help you out with making them...

internet-consultant said...

Such an awesome post. Fucking new age ninja tactics.