Thursday, June 26

Girls' night out!

My friend Jenna is getting married next month, and I decided to throw her a mini-bachelorette party. She wanted to invite me, Karen, and Bethany because we’ve all been friends since we used to work together at Capital One.

So last night we dropped all our kids and my senile mother off at the Byrd Theater for a Baby Mama/Baby Mama double feature. Then we set out for some serious bar hoppin’! Jenna asked us not to bring along any penis-shaped novelties or any bridal stuff because she didn’t want us to look like typical annoying bachelorette party bitches.

We found a nice restaurant with a bar where we could get warmed up a little. We decided to start out with some wine, and just spent a little while talking about our kids and catching up. I took this picture because I knew this was the best we were gonna look all night! You know how it is when you get wild with your friends! Bethany and Karen are on the left, and Jenna, the bride to be, is on the right.

I know...I’ve got hot friends!

Soon we were ready to get moving. We each took a few swigs of vodka in my van as we drove to Mulligan’s. When we got in there we were ready for some REAL drinks! I tried to order us a round of chocolate blowjob shots, but they didn’t even have any whipped cream! I was like, "C’mon! My friend is getting married!". What bust!

We noticed that there were two good lookin’ guys at the bar, and they asked if they could join us. Their names were Devon and Mark. I think they wanted to cheer us up since we were so disappointed about the shots. They paid their tabs at the bar and moved over to the table where we were hanging out.

We talked for a while, and enjoyed some long island ice teas and cigarettes. We were having a great time! Mark was really funny! They kept ordering us drinks, and we were putting ‘em away in record time! The boys were keeping up, too! Bethany was really getting along with Devon, which I thought was weird, because once he got up close I noticed that the side of his neck was covered in a really nasty rash.

We told them about ourselves, and they told us a little about their jobs at the Tyson plant. After a few more drinks Devon and Bethany quietly got up and headed towards the back, probably into one of the bathrooms. I’m not sure what they were doing in there, but they were only in there for like ten minutes, and when Beth got back she wouldn’t talk about what happened.

Mark decided to go to the back to check on Devon. That was the last we saw of either of them! Not only did those jerks leave us stuck with the entire tab, but my purse was missing! Bethany only brought $20, so Jenna had to pick up the rest of the tab. I felt terrible because it was supposed to be her party! By then it was time to pick up Mom and the kids, so we decided to just call it a night. Karen took one last shot of warm vodka in the van and ended up barfing on my Dale Earnhart blanket.

Wednesday, June 25

I'm just tryin' to get mines!

As we all know, the squealing sow gets the grease. I take advantage of that fact, and of the business principle that “the customer is always right”. I also just like to demean people while they're doing their jobs because I know I can get away with it. If I can unload on a total stranger without getting in trouble, and at the same time open up the possibility for some free shit, I’m gonna do it.

Step one is to get their attention, and there’s a real art to it. I’ll demand that a cashier honor my expired coupons. I’ll use the same cup all week to get refills at a fast food place. I’ll let my kids run around screaming and breaking things. And I’ll abuse a 100% satisfaction guarantee 100% of the time.

When the clerk or server gives me even the slightest attitude or resistance I immediately start in with the personal attacks. You'd think this would preclude me from getting anywhere with these businesses, but no. Nine times out of ten, when all is said and done, I get some certificates for free stuff, or a few items taken off my check. Same goes for charges on my phone bill, bank overdraft fees, you name it! Hell, one time I threw a tantrum at the post office just because they wouldn’t sell me any single lickable stamps.

This is my way of demanding the royal treatment. It’s nothing personal. The employees are just pawns in my game. They realize early on that they’re powerless to stop me, and they can’t even give me much in the way of free stuff anyway. All they can do is try to calm me down, take my abuse for as long as they can tolerate it, and try to hold the line.

The trick is to bring the situation to head early on, and before you know it you’ll be talking to a manager. Be calm when you speak to management, and completely misrepresent what just happened between you and the associate. They’ll be all apologies, and start offering you things just to shut you up, or as they put it, “to make up for your inconvenience”. The best luck is usually with chain restaurants and stores. Most small business owners do their own managing. Small businesses are often bleeding money as it is, so they’re cheap. They’re also dicks to unhappy customers because they tend to take every complaint about their business personally.

Earlier this month, after cashing my child support check, I decided to take the kids to a Mexican restaurant. My oldest ordered a plate of nachos, and the rest of us ordered combination platters. When we were getting near done eating I looked over our plates to see what I’d be able to get taken off the check. The nachos were eaten down to near the bottom of the plate, and I noticed that the heat and cheese had made some of the bottom chips soggy. I got these motherfuckas!

When the man came to offer us dessert I pointed out that my baby got soggy nachos, and that we would like that removed from the check. He said something about the nature of nacho plates, but I cut him short by loudly reminding him that I was not born yesterday. He began to open his mouth again, but I interrupted him before he started. I hit him with a one of my classic obscenity-laden insults. He glared for a moment, then stormed off silently to get the manager.

When the manager showed up I calmly told him that the waiter had brought us dirty glasses and silverware. I also told him that we had complained about the nachos as soon as they were served and that the waiter had done nothing. The manager was all apologies. He advised us that the nachos and our drinks would be taken off the bill. That worked for me, because those Cadillac margaritas were expensive!

We waited for the check after he walked away, and soon we could hear the waiter getting a stern talking-to at the back of the restaurant. The red-faced waiter then returned and silently tossed the check on the table and walked away. Was that so hard? It felt good to leave him a two dollar tip. He earned it by taking it like a man! Of course my kids got mad at me because I “always embarrass them in public”. They don’t realize what it takes to be a single mom these days.

Tuesday, June 24

Chicken Box: Worth the hype?

They say:

"The Second Best Thing You Ever Ate!" (actual slogan)

Well I'll be the judge of that! On Saturday the kids and I visited "Chicken Box", located in beautiful Highland Park (on the north side of the Shockoe Valley from downtown). They operate out of the quaint, old fashioned building you see here:

Business was brisk when we arrived for lunch at noon. We went to the far wall to make our choices from the greasy menu. Offerings include the "Big Chick Sandwich", "Chicken Chunks", Fries, Chicken Wings, Fried Flounder, Lake Trout, oysters, crabcake, mac n cheese, french fries, macaroni salad, and cole slaw. We each went with the "Big Chick Sandwich" with cheese, an enticing combination of lettuce, "Big Chick" sauce, American cheese, and two large pieces of fried chicken. Extra sides of "Big Chick" sauce are available for just $1.83.

I placed our order through a circle of drill holes in the bulletproof glass. I handed the payment and a coupon through the shallow dish where the counter meets the glass, and we stepped aside. This establishment is waiting-room only, and a little crowded, so we headed outside as soon as our bag was handed to us through the small 45 degree rotating glass door on the counter.

We ended up eating outside in the van, and everyone was very satisfied with the meal. The bread was soft and tasty, and the lettuce was light and crisp. The "Big Chick" sauce is some kind of secret recipe, and it compliments the meal wonderfully. If I had to guess I'd say that it was mayonnaise and hot sauce mixed together. The American cheese was tangy and waxy. The fried chicken was generously portioned and perfectly overcooked.

There was even some drama while we waited for our food. A crazed woman came in yelling though the drill holes to the employees talking about, "which one of y'all called my daughter a "b"?". She said it just like that, because she was trying not to offend the other customers. She was referring to some incident from the day before. The employees claimed that her daughter had overheard them, but that they had been talking about someone else. The angry woman proceeded to read them the riot act. Then she ordered some Chicken chunks with fries.

In conclusion, you can have your nasty-ass Ukrop's fried chicken. In my opinion, Chicken Box is the source for fine fried chicken take-out in the Richmond area. It's the kind of no nonsense, no website, one menu on the wall kind of place that we all love. Was it "The Second Best Thing You Ever Ate!"? Yes! Do you know what the First best thing you ever ate was? The answer comes back again and again: deez nuts!

Where it's at:

3000 3rd Ave
Richmond, VA 23222
(804) 228-2442

Chicken Box on Google Maps (with Street View)

Monday, June 23

Real Small FArt!

"What is it? Real Small FArt League is an ongoing public fart project to inspire random acts of fartistic rudeness. A growing number of fartists are committed to leaving ass gas in surprise locations. A little work of fart can go a long way!"

This is such a fun group to belong to! Today you can find one of my works of fart lingering in the last booth of Chiocca's Downstairs Deli and Bar. This was only my second public work of fart. Last Sunday I managed to leave a bad one at the entrance to Buzz n' Neds around lunch time!

You should give it a try! Even celebrities are getting in on the fun!

Check out Lily Allen! She's loud and proud!

Sunday, June 22

Exercise your right to smoke!

It's time for us smokers to really take a stand, and start exercising the few remaining rights we have. I remember as a girl, my dad could chain-smoke while grocery shopping, sitting though an hour-long flight, or even pumping gas. He could even flick lit butts out of the window in the middle of Autumn! These days, the options are limited for Virginia smokers (and they call this a tobacco state!)

Of course we can generally smoke outside as long as it isn't near flammable fumes, but what fun is that? I prefer the glamour of enjoying a nice long generic cigarette in a closed public setting. There's nothing more satisfying than walking into a bar full of folks who aren't smoking and whipping out a pack of "Basics" for all to see. It's empowering to watch the other patron's expressions change as I send the smell of smoldering wigs and toasted body odor into their clothes, hair, and faces.

It would be unfair to myself to feel self-conscious about this. I'm in a smoking section, and it's within my rights! Remember, we smokers are still the favored restaurant customers. We're less insistent, because we've got an appetite suppressant hanging out of our mouths. Also, they really appreciate the way some of us tip with loose cigarettes, since we know that every server out there smokes too.

There's many subtle ways to let the non-smokers know that we're still in control. Up to 80% of taste is smell. So it's your duty to light one the moment that a customer next to you at the bar or nearby table is served a delicious meal, or a tasty, expensive drink. As they eat and drink, they'll realize that it all tastes like cigarette smoke. How's that fine brewski and steak? Ha! What do I care? I'm drinking a flavorless Bud Light!

Always smoke multiple cigarettes simultaneously when the table next to you is seated with children. My rule of thumbs is to enjoy one cigarette as usual, plus one additional cigarette for every kid at the table. Of course a family might be seated away from you in a non-smoking area. Consider it a challenge to blow your smoke over into their section, or to simply "fishbowl" the smoking area to the point that the smoke will inevitably drift into the non-smoking area.

Remember to always walk into an place smoking, and to walk out of a place smoking. Be sure to leave one smoldering in the ashtray whenever you are speaking, sipping, visiting the restroom, or heading across the room to chat with friends. Everyone will start to associate you with liberty, and cheap, pungent smoke!

If some inconsiderate non-smoking server fails to bring you an ashtray after your meal, go ahead and put the butt out on your plate. Repeat as often as possible, and don't leave a tip. This is just one more way us smokers can draw the line!

Finally, there's the bar/concert venue. Many new venues are non-smoking, which is wrong. But for those that are left, I encourage you to go. Blow your smoke into the hair of the people in front of you, and "accidentally" burn someones elbow on occasion. Leave a pile of 30 or more butts at your feet for the venue's employees to sweep up. It's also nice to flick a couple at the band, to show that you appreciate their efforts.

We all know that rights can be lost forever if we don't exercise them. If we smokers can truly band together and take back our rights, we'll be back to smoking in the bank, the Kmart, and dentist's chair in no time! Patriots, unite!

Saturday, June 21

Saturday Eye Candy!

My taste in men may differ from y'alls.

Sometimes I just prefer a real man! And I love food play!

Mickey Rourke, eat your heart out!

Friday, June 20

It's my choice to have a skinny baby!

If our secretary doesn't watch her mouth it's gonna get slapped! Today she called me out in front of two other people about my smoking. I knew it was a mistake to tell my damn co-workers that I'm pregnant again. I took a break for a smoke at 8:45. I swear, as soon as I walked in from my break that bitch was running her mouth.

She was going on and on about how I was smoking when I pulled my car into the lot this morning, and how I had another one at the smoker's tent before going inside to punch in for my shift at 8. Well I'm sorry, but with the mental stress and morning sickness, I need a goddamn cigarette! What I don't need is some judgemental bitch running her mouth at me about it!

Then the others started getting on me about it, like that ho Shirl, who thought she would add that smoking causes low birth weight. Well you know what, bitch? I already knew that! How do you think I've kept my figure after having 3 kids? I have skinny babies, that's how!

I didn't tell them this, but I drink during pregnancy too! You should come by our community pool sometime. Thanks to their webbed toes, my kids can swim like a motherfucka!

You know, the only downside to smoking during pregnancy is that the babies are all angry with nic fits after they're born. I wish to god they'd make a nicotine patch for infants!

Thursday, June 19

Ellwood Thompson's customers look unhealthy!

Sometimes I like to get my movies at the Blockbusters in Carytown, even though they almost never have what I came for. Everyone gets pissed while I hold up the line, having the clerk look through all the recently returned movies for the ones I want.

While I'm there I sometimes go to Ellwood Thompson's to pick up a beer or some dessert from the deli area. That place is a racket! People in front of me in line are running up 60 to 80 dollar receipts for a half bag of groceries (and "supplements"). A can of tuna for $3? I guess it's more dolphin safe, or whatever, and probably more healthy than the fishsticks I eat for lunch.

What I don't get is, how come most of the people who I see shopping in there look malnourished? I'm talking sunken eyes, stringy hair, pale or blotchy skin, and all that. I swear, it's like the number one grocery store for spooky old ghost ladies. I'm downright terrified to shop for groceries there. And not just because they don't offer a loaf of bread for under $4.99.

Meanwhile, my kids are the picture of health, and I do most of my shopping for them at the Wonderbread outlet and the dollar store. It's mostly prepackaged junk, and canned foods with made-up brand names you've never heard of. But I'll be damned if my kids and I don't have nice skin, healthy gums, and shiny, lustrous coats of hair on our heads!

So anyway, last night me and the kids watched Norbit. In case you don't already know, it's terrible. The mini Chips Ahoy that we ate were good, though. And we shared a can of Island Delight pineapple chunks.

How Jocelyn got her groove back!

When my ex-husband Kevin left us he said it was because I was too jealous and I was always yelling at him. The only time I "yelled" at him was when he'd pick me up the wrong kind of maxi pads or hairspray from the store. Just those important things that he would remember about me, if he cared.

But the real reason he left is because I knew that bastard was cheating! I'd always catch him coming home from work 10 minutes later than necessary, and he'd be on the phone with his "friends" on his way home when I was calling to find out what was taking so long. He would always be talking to me about the bitches at work, or on the TV, and I'd be like, "are you sleeping with her?". He'd always get so indignant that I just knew he was lying!

I got a lawyer to take care of him. He even has to send the child support check through the lawyer, rather mailing it, or coming by to deliver it. He barely ever gets to see the kids, and the only time he sees me is when I'm driving by his crappy efficiency apartment (in his Mercury). Take that, asshole!

So anyway, I've been back on the market, and things have been going really good. Since the townhouse is paid for I can use most of the support checks on new clothes, hair and nails. So I've been looking good at the clubs, and I think I already found myself a new man!

His name is Re'quan! He's a nude dancer, and he is as fine as he can be! And he's crazy about me! He keeps his hair so nice for me, and he wears the most elegant clothes and shoes. Sometimes I have to wait until 3 in the morning for him to get home from the club, because he and the other dancers take so long showering and grooming themselves after the show.

I work during the day, and that man waits on my couch all day for me to get home! The only time he's out of my sight is when he hangs out with his male friends. In fact, he shows almost no interest in other women! I feel so secure with this man, I trust him with everything. I even take the van to work sometimes so he can use the Mercury during the day to run his errands!

Of course sometimes I think I'm getting ahead of myself. So I make sure he's out of the house before my mom drops the kids off. I'll introduce them to him when I think our relationship is truly ready. In the meantime, I'm gonna keep it on the downlow.

Wednesday, June 18

Mind your own business!

I can't believe what this bitch just said to me!

Our office is small, so our breakroom is nothing but a coffee machine and a microwave next to a sink, set towards the side of the main office space. We don't even have a fridgerator. The downside is that everyone has to smell popcorn or whatever else other people cook.

So I took my lunch break early today, around 11, and I'm over at the microwave heating up some fish sticks. They take a while because they were still a little frozen in the middle, and I like them crispy. Well the fans in the microwave blow the smell all over the office in no time.

Our front desk secretary Sarah came up to me and asked me if there was something less smelly I could make for lunch. She acted like she was joking, but I don't appreciate that shit. I told that bitch that it ain't my problem that we don't have a seperate breakroom! Then I told her about how everyone knows that she eats tuna mixed with plain yogurt every day. It gives her gas and she ends up farting in the copy room or behind the filing cabinets. That's damn sure worse than my weekly fish sticks!

I think she's probably still mad because of last week. I had given her some money to pay for my Chinese food delivery while I was in a meeting. The driver gave her hell because I had only given her enough money for the sesame chicken and crab rangoons, and he wanted a tip. She even had the nerve to knock on the meeting room door to ask me for tip money. I told her that I'm sorry, but that's all the money I got! Damn!

Ooh, Puffy, you nasty! With your fine self!

My man Puffy is at it again, turning us on with his nasty talk!

“Then I'll have a manicure and pedicure – and yes, I wax as well. Men owe it to women to make sure they are well-groomed.”

“I wax my privates. I also wear my fragrance, Unforgivable Black.”

That man knows how to keep a woman happy! These hairy fools out there could learn a thing or two from this classy and talented gentleman!

Of course it's up to us women to keep our men happy! And as you probably know, men like their women the way they like their yogurt: With the fruit on the bottom! That's why it's important for us to keep that ass fat! Head to McDonald's on that snack break! You and your man will be glad you did!

Just look how happy he is!

Tuesday, June 17

Quit ridin' my tail!

Have you all noticed how road rage is all too common around here? Sometimes when I’m driving my ex-husbands Mercury Cougar down I-64 I see the rudest drivers you could imagine.

If you know me, then you know that I always keep to the fast lane. There’s less activity there and I don’t want to get in an accident. I can’t deal with all that merging and other nonsense when I’m trying to drive and use my phone. Those two right lanes start to slow down occasionally, and I don’t need that. But then I get these people coming too close up behind me, and they’re flashing their headlights at me and whatever. You know what I’m talking about.

Look, y’all, I’m going the speed limit, just like all the cars next to us, so don’t blame me! I look in my rear view mirror and see their hand motions and ugly expressions, like they want me to get out of the way. I pay my taxes, and I’ll drive in whatever lane I want! When they get too close I’ll even resort to tapping my breaks and waving my finger so they can see it through my rear window. You wouldn’t believe the looks I get when they get their chance to pass me on the right! You bastards shouldn’t be speeding anyway! I’m doing you a favor, and saving you from getting a ticket! I swear, y’all need some damn house training!

Activia is fuel for a powerful woman's movement!

I gotta say, Jamie Lee was right!

Activia has a very happy ending!

It's a very loooooooong ending, too!



Every time I flush it's like a spirograph in there!

I'll stop now, before I say something nasty!

Monday, June 16

Oh haaaaaaaaail no!

I'm a strong woman for the Hillary Clinton campaign! I can't stand all this pro-Obama foolishness! I did like what Obama had to say recently about black fathers. I just hope he doesn't tell us mothers how to raise our kids!

Anyway, here's a video from local Obama supporter and fool Jerome Henderson.

This is why I'm hot!

Mother Leaves Children In Hot Car To Read Magazines In Supermarket

Y'all pay attention. You can't just leave your kids in the daytime heat during the summer. It'll kill them. Same goes for dogs. That's why I only leave my kids in the minivan at night, when I'm drinking. And I park the van behind the bar, so nobody can hear them crying and carrying on! Also, I tell them to hide under some of the rubbish in the back seat.

Making me sick!

These baby fashions have gone too far. First they have those $100 sneakers for little boys, and now they've come out with these whore shoes for baby girls!
Between the bikini tops for infants, and these nasty shoes, I just hate y'all!