World's most annoying neighbors!

We've got this young couple living next door to our new house. At first they were really welcoming. But lately they've been bitching about the loud music and about how their newborn is trying to sleep. I don't get it. Why can't that little shit do his sleeping when I'm stuck at work all day?

When I get home from the office I just need to relax. That's why I keep a cooler full of iced Cheladas waiting for me on the back porch. So excuse me if I sprawl out on my lawn chair and get drunk while wearing my rattiest see-thru white bikini top, blasting my Kelly Clarkson CD and singing along. That should be okay to do on my own goddamn property!

I've had a couple of heated altercations with these folks, but lately they haven't said a word to me. Still, I hate them. The last time I saw the guy in his yard I convinced my cousin to spray at him with the garden hose in a flamboyant manner. He went inside and called the cops on us. The cop knew my cousin from high school, so he didn't really give a shit either way. He put it down to a lawn watering mishap.

To make matters worse, the neighbors on the other side of us are old, ornery, and practically deaf. They've been whining to anyone who will listen about our overgrown yard, and how every time their grandkids chase a ball onto our lawn they get poison oak all over their legs and rear ends. They've also been telling people that the little man-made pond in our back yard is nothing more than a breeding pool for mosquito eggs.

The last time those fools knocked on my door was to accuse our newly adopted and unfixed cat "Jager" of sneaking into their doggy door at night and spraying their microfiber sofa with musk. I was so angry about this outright lie that I didn't even bother to tell them about how Jager had gotten into a fight with their dog that morning and somehow managed to pluck one of his eyeballs out.

I'm also hearing rumors about this single dad down the block who's mad at me because I stomped out to the bus stop last Friday and told his son to stop talking to my son. I've had enough problems with my Brandon choosing art and reading over sports and girls. The last thing I need is him becoming buddies with a kid who uses a PBS tote as a book bag.

At least I've made friends with one person on my block. That would be Phyllis, who lives two doors down. She's retired, and likes to sit at the edge of her front yard all day on a cracked white plastic chair and chain smoke little cigars. She's funny as shit. She swears and shakes her fist at cars that aren't even speeding, and she always sexually harasses the UPS man.

Some guys can't take a compliment!

Our office has been really backed up on new invoices lately, so they gave me the opportunity to hire a temp. After sending us a couple of losers, the agency finally sent me someone I thought I could work with. He's a nice young married man, 22 years old, and in fantastic shape. Yes, I'm engaged right now, but that don't mean that I can't look. I ain't dead yet, folks!

He's a shy kid, so I've tried to make him feel comfortable by just being myself. I figured a few dirty jokes would break him out of his shyness. Then I tried boosting his confidence a bit more by patting him on the back or caressing his neck when he does a good job. I even told him that I thought he had a cute butt! Yet after all this he's just as shy as ever!

Then I thought I could get him out of his box by teasing him a little. I asked him about what kinds of things he liked to do to his wife. He told me that his wife was pregnant, and I offered a fun response about how pregnancy could have been avoided. I also left a silly photoshop on his desk of he and I having dirty sex, but he just threw it away without even saying anything!

Well I don't know what it is about him, but the more he avoids me, the more I think I like him! I've even resorted to some straight forward flirting! Yesterday, when he came into the lounge for his morning break, I was already in there, stirring his yogurt cup with my finger. Just as he realized what I was doing I pulled my finger out, put it in my mouth, and sucked the yogurt off. I've never seen a man blush so red!

Apparently that was it for him. He went to my director and told her that he didn't appreciate my behavior. The director and I have actually made friends over the last few months, so she wasn't hearing it. She told him she'd talk to me, and to go back to his desk. Then she called me in and told me to fire him if he's a problem. Since he's a temp it's no problem sending him away. Maybe I'll be generous and offer him an opportunity to save his job.

_

Revenge of the working class!

The word has come down that the company I work for has been bought out, and my branch will most likely be shut down before too long. It's a bit of a coincidence, as I've been applying all over town for a new job these last couple months, and I happen to be sitting on a fresh offer for a higher paying position at a new company just down the road. Even though this is all working out for me, and I could just change jobs and move on quietly, I still feel like I've got a reason to be angry!

When the director of our branch heard about the buyout she just quit outright. That was before the rest of us even found out about it. So considering that I'm the office manager, and that I'm sitting on this new job offer, I figured I'd follow her lead, walk out, and leave my own mark to show the new owners my displeasure. The new company is sending their H.R. person in next week, and I wanted to make certain that she hears about my actions from my coworkers!

Everyone in the office was so worked up about the buyout that they all went out for lunch together to talk about it. I stayed behind. This was my chance to carry out my carefully planned exit. I figured that the most critical move was to walk out without telling anyone how to do those few important things that only I know how to do. Anything else I might do would be gravy!

So the I dug around in an empty desk and found an old system login password from a girl who I recently fired, and used it to log on to our system and deliberately screw up some of our customers' accounts (the only thing that the new owners really care about). Also, I used her corporate email account to send a vicious "up yours!" message to the company-wide email group.

I grabbed a trash bag from the supply closet and started trashing vital items from all around the office. First the 3-hole punch, then all the files in the "N-R" cabinet of our client folders. I also tossed the last two cans of sugar from the coffee station, and the ink cartridges from out of the printers and Xerox machine.

Then I ran out to the car, stashed the garbage bag, and grabbed my duffel bag of secret weapons, including two rats from my son's pet rat cage. I taped them up inside of a paper towel tube and stuffed the tube into the back of the coat closet. Based on my experience, those rats should have eaten their way out of the tube by the evening. Once freed they will undoubtedly make a nest and breed.

I went back to the break room, where I shoved a couple of bagels into our double toaster and pushed the lever down. When that old toaster is stuffed with bagels the little toast ejector thing is unable to pop up, so it doesn't stop toasting until they're completely burned to shit. Then I made my way over to that bitch Sarah's desk. I opened up the base of her computer mouse and stuffed the insides with a hearty fingerful of wet cat food.

Just before leaving for good I completed one final act of defiance by enjoying my last paid defecation in the building's bathroom. Thanks to last night's drinking I worked up a particularly nasty dump, and deliberately refrained from flushing it down. Then, just before exiting the building, I used my office manager key to enter the janitor's closet, surveyed the plumbing valves, and shut off the water flow to the restrooms. Then I locked the closet door behind me so that nobody would be able to flush anything until the janitor was called in to check it out.

Harassment at the movie theater!

My three year old daughter, little Jailen, has been throwing tantrums all week over this Madagascar sequel that they've been advertising the hell out of. So I loaded her and 8 year old Brandon into the van on Saturday afternoon so we could take in a matinee. I packed the rest of their leftover Halloween candy and a gallon jug of cider into my biggest purse.

The kids were thirsty so I let them have some cider on the drive over. The parking lot was a goddamn zoo, as always, but we managed to find a spot near the back. Of course the ticket line was stretched all the way down the edge of the building! By the time we got up to where we could see the board it was obvious that the showing of Madagascar we wanted was sold out, and the next one wasn't for 45 minutes. I decided to take them to see Role Models instead and hope that Jailen didn't notice.

Role Models is R rated, which is fine. But the previews were rated R as well, and there was this one horror movie preview that scared the hell out of all of us. It had a crab walking dead guy and everything. Jailen started screaming and covering up her face with her jacket. Brandon just covered his eyes and sat there petrified. Once it ended they calmed down for me and manged to recover for the most part.

When the feature started I broke out the snacks. I could barely hear the screen over the sound of our candy wrappers because all our treats were "fun size". The kids fought over certain treats, and we passed the cider jug back and forth and everything was pretty swell. We also had a good laugh because Jailen kept tearing her M&M bags open way too hard, sending candies through the air and onto the floor.

For a while things were quiet and the kids didn't seem to notice that we weren't watching Madagascar. But then I learned something I didn't know. Jailen must be allergic to cider or apples, because she really started stinking up the place! I wasn't sure if she'd filled her diaper or what. She also seemed to have slipped into some kind of sugar coma, so I decided to ignore her, because at least she was behaving.

The movie was funny enough, but so damn nasty, with lots of swearing and sex jokes. Brandon kept asking me what they were talking about, and I did my best to explain. It was kind of annoying because I was also trying to hold a text conversation with Phil on my Blackberry. The screen on that thing is so damn bright that every time I looked back up at the movie screen I was seeing spots.

Some guy behind us got annoyed at our chatter, so he leaned forward and asked if we would please shut up and turn off our phone. I turned off the phone as he was talking, and that's when the usher came in. Then the usher left, and soon returned with the manager. He pointed at the guy who had been talking to us. The manager took they guy out to the end of the aisle and told him to be quiet or be removed.

By the time the manager walked out it was almost time for Madagascar to start in the next theater over, so I woke Jailen up and quietly led her and Brandon up the aisle and out to the bathroom. I changed her diaper, then brought them into the Madagascar theater and put them in some seats. Then I went back out, asked for the manager, and told him that the man sitting behind us in Role Models was still talking and acting drunk and needed to be removed. Then I went back to sit with the kids. I've gotta say, Madagascar was really funny, and a lot of fun!

Takin' a pot shot!

I'd like to start today's post with a big fat "Thanks for nothing!" to all you jerks for not doing a write-in for Hillary yesterday like we agreed! Now we're stuck with this Obama character. Yeah, maybe his inspiring words remind people all over the world about all the great things that America stands for. But so what? What do I get out of that?

I'm sorry, but I have very little confidence that his plans for redistributing wealth are going to work out as well as the Republicans have promised. And tax breaks only benefit those who actually pay their taxes. So forgive me if I reserve my celebrating for when I receive my first big fat socialist money redistribution check!

Aside from standing in the rain for an hour and a half just to throw my vote away, something else happened yesterday which forced me to take a stand for my rights in a more direct way. Y'all know I don't ask for much, but I do demand a little peace and quiet while I use the toilet. This is my "me" time, where I meditate, and get away from the stupid slags in my office.

There are only two stalls in the restroom I use, which is down in the building's main hallway. There's the handicapped accessible stall (that's the one I like), and there's the one regular stall next to it. In order to maintain my privacy, I usually pull the door shut on the regular stall before going into the other, so it looks like they're both occupied.

Usually this setup works beautifully. But yesterday some bitch came in there in a hurry while I was wiping (and playing Solitaire on my iPod). She checked both stall doors, pulled the second door free, and made her way inside and onto the seat. Not only was I aggravated by having my privacy disturbed, but this person didn't even give me time to get up out of there before letting loose with what sounded like a broken garbage bag full of Brunswick stew.

I decided that this ho had to be made an example of. So I put my iPod into my purse, pulled my pants up, and prepared a little surprise. I wadded up a giant ball of toilet paper and sanitary seat covers, dipped it all the way into the toilet, and tossed it over the wall of the stall. As she screamed with surprise, I leaped out of my stall, flipped off the light, and ran down the hall back to my company's office. I must say, it felt damn good to stand up for myself!

Ridin' dirty!

Ever since I took so much crap from people after posting an innocent opinion about the road rage conditions on our local roads, I've been evaluating my entire driving experience. I want make things as safe and healthy as possible for me and my family. It's not easy, with all these crazy people out on the roads! I actually hit somebody with the van last week! These jerks need to learn not to cut me off when I'm watching a DVD!

For starters, I'm keeping a wooden baseball bat in my trunk. You never know when you're going to need to take control of a situation! Like the other day, I went to visit my friend at her new job, and we got to talking and catching up through the KFC drive thru speaker. Some fool behind me had the nerve to honk his horn. Well you can be damn sure he backed his piece of shit Maxima out of there when I popped my trunk, jumped out the car, grabbed the bat out, and pointed it at him!

One important aspect of driving is the environment, and by that I mean the inside of your car. Rather than letting those cigarette butts pile up, I've started flicking them out of the window. And I toss my fast food garbage out the window now too, rather than just throwing it in the back seat. My car is already starting to smell better. Just make sure you only chuck things out when nobody's looking. I usually do it on curved highway ramps.

Penalties for crimes committed while driving have become increasingly harsh. That's why I decided to tint the windows of my Mercury Cougar. I used one of those kits you can use to do the tint job yourself, so of course it came out all uneven and bubbly. But at least I can take a hit off my mini-bong while stopped at a red light without nosey ass people staring at me.

The tinting provides me with a whole new world of privacy, which is important when I'm sexing a stranger in the backseat while parked behind the Days Inn. And you know how people would get if they could see that I'm rolling a joint and driving with my knee. Of course it only does but so much good, since they're already making a face at me just because I'm cutting diagonally across a crowded parking lot.

As an added precaution, I've taught my son to take the wheel when I'm driving, because sometimes when I'm on the phone or texting people I'll get so angry that I actually forget that I'm supposed to be driving! The kid are also learning to point things out for me, like baby carriages and cop cars. And yesterday afternoon, when I got shit-faced at the Applebee's, they watched for mall security while I squatted behind the car to take a piss.

Customer service secrets!

I gave y'all some helpful hints in a previous post about how we, as consumers, can take a stand and demand what's ours. Now I'm going to show all you customer service folks out there how you can take control of most situations, and have fun doing it! I'm an office manager now, but I've held many service level jobs over the course of my career.

I'll start out in the world of call centers. There's few things more awful than having to answer phones in a customer service department. You never know if your next call will be a simple transfer, or twenty minutes of ranting from some raging whore, who is complaining because she's had to call back 15 times to get one simple thing done. And nearly every caller is aggravated because they've been sent through a labyrinth-style phone menu, followed by torturous musical hold.

First of all, you need to figure out what your needs are. In most cases it's call volume, and call times. So it's always in your best interest to keep calls as short as possible. Answer the phone by racing through the greeting, especially the part where you say your name. If they get mad later on in the call and say, "What's your name?!" you can simply reply, "Oh, you didn't catch that, did you bitch?" and hang up right in their face.

If a caller's problem sounds too complicated, offer to transfer them to the "appropriate department". Then just transfer them back to your own department (if the odds are good that you won't get them again), or to any random number that suits your fancy. I used to like to send people to billing, after yelling, "Sir, you need to pay your bill!", even if their account was current. By the time they made their way back to our group I'd have clocked out for lunch!

Now lets turn it over to you sad bastards working in face-to-face customer service. You have definitely got it the worst. You've gotta take it from their ugly faces without showing even a hint of attitude. Smile, kill them with kindness to the point that they feel guilty and end up apologizing. Then, when they're gone, copy down their credit card info and send it in reply to every foreign Email scheme that comes into your spam folder.

I used to work at the bill pay and equipment counter for a cable TV company. Folks would come in there causing a ruckus for one reason or another. The really nasty ones would return their equipment in a huff, yell out their account info, and walk out without a receipt. To reward their rudeness, I'd fail to enter the return in the system, and scratch the serial number off their equipment. I hope they enjoyed the $500 equipment fee on their last bill!

I'd speak to the world of food service, but you folks already know what to do. The important thing is that the customer never find out what disgusting things you did to their food. And when you circle the total for a large party's bill, make sure your pen goes through the included tip amount, so they don't realize that it was included, and end up tipping you on the total amount! Even if you don't have time to exact revenge on a specific client, you always have the satisfaction of knowing that the ice y'all put in every customer's drink is probably teeming with parasites!

Richmond on the rocks!

Phil and I decided to take a romantic visit to Belle Isle this weekend. It's nice to get outside sometimes and enjoy the fresh air. I would have brought the kids, but they always run wild at outdoor attractions. We did bring our rottie (who I recently named "Muffin"), because the poor thing had been cooped up in the laundry room ever since he ate our neighbor's kitten. People keep telling me to put him to sleep, so I'm hiding him until I figure out what I want to do.

We started out by just sitting off from the crowd, on the rocks next to the beautiful James river. We kept ourselves busy by knocking back a 12-pack of Yuengling. I don't normally drink that brand, but damn, them boys is tasty! I like to throw the empty cans in the water and watch as they float downstream like little boats. We washed them down with some of those awesome Hostess apple pies. The wrappers for those don't float as well unless you crinkle them up into a ball.

Suddenly I realized that Muffin had wandered off. He had himself a little swim, and he was coming out of the water when I found him, smiling like a fool. He wandered over to a couple of guys and started shaking water all over them. That water had activated his crazy stink, and now that was all over these poor fellas. I was about to apologize when they started whining about it. Y'all know I can't stand sissies!

I rushed over and grabbed Muffin's collar to take control, but the devil in me took over! I started jerking the collar around menacingly while yelling "sick 'em!" over and over. That expression always gets Muffin going! He was barking and growling, and they were freaking out! They actually picked up their towel and shoes and walked off while scowling at me! What a couple of pussies!

If any of y'all left the house this weekend then you must have noticed that it was hot enough to breed sheep out there! I was needing to cool down bad, so I decided to get in the water. I don't actually want to swim in that stank mess, but it's nice to dip my feet. I took off my sneaks and dipped both feet in. Ahh, cool refreshment! But now I'm starting to regret the decision because the open ankle blisters that I always get from my work shoes look like they're on the verge of infection!

Supermarket smackdown!

Sunday is such a crappy day to shop around here. Ukrop's is closed, so every other supermarket in town is packed to the gills. Just moving around inside these stores can be frustrating when it's that busy. I get it over with as quickly as possible by cranking through there like a crazy woman. I breeze past produce, grab a yummy creme cake from the bakery, and head up to the deli meat counter.

Once I'm up there I tell them to give me a pound of whatever bologna is cheapest, and I check my voicemails on my cell phone while I wait for them to slice. I guess the deli clerk decided on the thickness for me because when he put the pile of meat up on the scale I noticed that it was sliced way too thin! He said I had nodded when he held up the first slice, but I don't think so! I told him he needed to slice it again, way thicker! This ain't no sandwich bologna, friend! This here's fryin' bologna!

Next I swung over to the meat department for a tube of ground beef and some chicken breast. I know that type of beef keeps getting recalled, but it's so damn good! And meat prices are so high that I can't afford not to buy a ton of chicken breast when it's on sale. While I was doing that I sent the kids ahead for other items we needed. My three year old came running back from the dairy and dropped a goddamn gallon jug of milk in front of the meat department's cutting room door!

I quickly shuffled her along with me towards the freezer section before anybody noticed what had happened. On our way towards the registers I caught my other two kids having a "pillow fight" with family -sized bags of Tostitos. I swear, these kids are such a handful sometimes! I sent them to play over by the entrance door so they'd be out of my way while I took care of things at the register. My blood started to boil as soon as I noticed how long those damn lines were! They really needed to open another register!

I got to the end of a pretty long line of people, and started to scope out the situation. Sure enough, there was another cashier carrying a till out from behind the service desk. I wasn't the only one who notice, so I quickly made my move, and thanks to some product displays that were set up by the front end I was able to dominate the space, block all those fools out, and get in her lane before anyone else!

I dumped my stuff on the belt and moved over in front of the cashier. I made her slow down while she was ringing things up because I like to see each price come up on the screen to see if it is the same as how I remembered it on the shelf tags. I also have to watch those sneaky baggers to make sure they give me "paper inside double plastic"! When the cashier was done I reached into my purse for my food assistance card, only to realize that it was in my other purse! She was nice enough to hold the line while I ran out to the car to get my checkbook.

I made it back inside rather quickly, because I always borrow Phil's handicap parking tag to help me with my errands. I grabbed a pen from the cashier and started filling out the check. Some guy behind me with a six pack and a big bag of cereal let out a groan, then grabbed his stuff off of the belt and started moving to another register. As the belt moved again I heard some people at the back of the line complain because there was juice all over the place. Apparently one of my chicken breast packages had gotten punctured!

As I pushed my cart away from the bagging area, I was still seething from that guy who had decided to change registers so rudely. He just had to groan out loud to express his displeasure, and y'all know I don't play that shit! I followed him outside, and put my stuff in the side of our van, as he was putting his beer and stuff in the bed of his truck. Then he started heading over to the CVS. This was my chance!

I started the van and put the kids inside. Then I casually pushed my cart over near his truck. I looked around, saw that no one was really looking, and shoved it towards his truck with all my might! I was running back towards the van when I heard it T-bone the side of his Tacoma with the resounding noise that only a metal shopping cart can make. That piece of shit will think twice next time he decides to give me attitude! I'm almost old enough to be his mother!

A worthy adversary!

Not that I give a crap, but that ho at work is steppin' on my nuts again, so to speak. It's a shame, too, 'cause Friday started out as anyone would have hoped. It's a "casual day" at our office, so I wore my new gold J-Lo style jogging suit, which looks damn good on my big sweet behind! I amplify the effect by wearing a cute little black mini-backpack!

So I'm driving to work, eating my microwave pancake-wrapped sausage-on-a-stick, and baby, I'm cruisin'! I'm making damn good time. I realize that I'm in the wrong lane, so I cut over in front of some sucker just as the light is changing up ahead. I slam on my breaks out of habit, then speed up to make the yellow light. The car behind me got a red but kept on following. Our parking lot entrance is directly after that light, and sure enough, they follow me in, so I know it's one of my co-workers!

At first I was afraid that I had pissed off the wrong person. The I realized that it was Sarah, our be-otch of a secretary! I thought, "Good!", 'cause I'm all about stickin' it to that little trick! You might remember her from our spat about the fish sticks. Well, I wish I could say that the animosity ended with that confrontation, but it surely did not!

I think it all started when she was first placed by the temp agency. I would dump all my filing and other shit on her because she was too new to know better. Also, I would ignore my cell phone, and the men I was seeing would ask to be transferred from the main line, which she had to answer. She bitched to the boss about having to transfer my calls all the time, and that's what set it off!

There were a number of ways that I got back at her. Once I smeared anti-bacterial gel all around her desk near the mouse where she rests her arm. Another time I brewed coffee from used grounds because I knew that she was the only one who drank coffee in the afternoon. And one time I ate her Asian sesame chicken wrap out of the fridge 'cause I was stoned and needed a snack.

She figured out that I was the source of all that crap, and her retaliation was ruthless. One day, when I was out of the office, she falsely reported a problem with my computer to the new IT guy who happens to be dealing with a bout of ringworm. He had to call the IT help desk while testing the computer, and ended up tainting my phone's headset with his ringworm, which later infected my face. That's when I realized that this particular nemesis was craftier than I was giving her credit for!

From there the tension really started to escalate. I left a chunk of catfish take-out leftovers in her car on a hot day. Then she complained to the boss about how I yell on the phone at Kevin so loud that she can't hear to answer the main phone line when customers call. So then I started clipping my toe nails on her seat cushion after hours so they stick in her bare thighs when she sits down (because she wears those skanky short skirts!). Also, I left one of these plastic crunk cups on her desk for her to find whe she came in one day:



I don't know who's wronging who at this point. But she knows that thanks to Activia, I'm regular to the point that you can set your watch to my 10:45 bowel movement. So I'm certain that she was the one who stopped up the handicapped toilet this morning before I got in there, to get back at me for cutting her off at the red light! I'm not totally sure, but I'm pretty damn sure!

I got an iBook for $50!

Did I ever tell y'all how I got an iBook for just $50? It was one crazy day! Come to think about it, that was just three years ago this month!

These iBooks came from the Henrico County School District, which loans all their students notebook computers to use during the school year. They had recently decided to upgrade with new Dells, and needed to get rid of their existing iBooks. At first they sold off a bunch of their used iBooks to the students, and then planned to sell the last thousand off to Henrico residents.



This sale was promoted, then postponed, then moved from the West End to the East End at the Richmond International Raceway. That's a pretty scummy part of town, so I knew the competition would be fierce! I borrowed a voter ID card from a friend at work so I could pretend that I lived in Henrico in case anyone asked.

I had my husband at the time, Kevin, drive me down there to drop me off. There were lots of people in line, so I started to doubt my chances of getting my iBook. The way they had it set up, you had to be let through the gate, then it was a wide open free-for-all until you made it to the building where they actually sold the iBooks.

Kevin dropped me off across the street from the main gate at about 6:40 a.m., and I sat there rather than finding my way to the back of the line. There were only 5 or 6 cops available to control a crowd of several hundred, who were all waiting patiently in line at the gate, so I knew I had a good chance of skipping the line.

As the gates opened I ran across the street, braced myself, and dove into the crowd as they attempted to file in. I used my elbows as a battering ram, and jammed my way into the mass of people with all my might! I had pretty good leverage and momentum, which sent about 50 people to the ground in a stunning domino effect!



Due to bad planning, this calamity sent one old lady to the ground on the right, then an old man went down to my left, and one fool almost crushed her own child before her man rescued it from the stroller. I still wonder what kind of a moron brings elderly folks and babies to a riot!? People around me started hitting each other with folding chairs, and I noticed one dude was even smart enough to bring a helmet!



After shoving my way through that plug of humanity, (and stepping on what I think was a thigh) it was just a matter of running speed. I was sure glad I hadn't waited in line all morning like the rest of those idiots! Besides the nasty heat and humidity, people were fatigued from waiting since 1 a.m. Later on I learned that one bitch even pissed her pants just to keep her spot in line! And after the initial jam at the gate there was a girl hopping around the hot pavement on one flip flop, asking people if they had seen the other one. Craziness!

After the 100 yard dash the more motivated of us got up to the actual building where they were selling the iBooks, and the whole crowd had to bottleneck again. I used a combination of rib jabs and titty punches to force my way up to the door. I was able to keep folks from shoving me from behind by kicking my heels backwards into shins, crotches, and what-have-you. Before I knew it I was up in there!



Once inside, things were relatively organized and quick. With the outside crowd held at bay, the workers allowed me to test and purchase a laptop at my leisure. It was so quick and easy that I even made it to work on time that morning! Thanks Henrico County!

Of course, everyone was self-conscious for our local image as news of the stampede was broadcast 'round the world. Everyone shook their head and cast their judgement on Richmond. Luckily for us, Hurricane Katrina showed up, the rioting began in New Orleans, and suddenly we weren't lookin' so bad!





8-16-05...Nevar forget!

Rudeness at the Chipotle!

First of all, this one ain't about the employees. They my peoples. This is about the customers. Especially the rude ho who was in the line behind me. I'm lucky I'm not in a jail cell right now, 'cause that little skank nearly set me off! I'm so mad I gotta get this out before I can even eat my food!

Once per week on Thursday, one of us in the office has to go out to pick up lunch for everyone. It's my turn, so I decided on Chipotle, since it's nice and quick. I had everyone email their orders into my Blackberry, and I went around and collected up all the money.

I headed up into the Chipotle around 12:10, and luckily there were only three people in line. They moved through pretty quick. I warned the order taker guy that I had a bunch of orders, and he said go ahead.

As I went through the first few I realized how specific they were in their emails about what they wanted. That's a pain because you gotta deal with the tortilla guy, then the girl who adds in the fillings. Also, it took me a while because I had to click on each emailed order one at a time to read it out to them.

Somewhere around the 12th order I heard the girl behind me let out a big sigh. I glared at her and said "I'm sorry!". But that wasn't good enough. She was like, "Y'know, you coulda just faxed that order in!". I said, "I didn't feel like it, bitch, so fall back!". I must have yelled because the chihuahua she had in her tote bag suddenly popped his head out and growled at me.

So I turned my back on her and continued with my last 6 orders. The line was growing, but at least I was almost done. Then we got up to the register and I realized that I hadn't ordered for myself. By now there was a line of about 20 people, but what can I do about it? I gotta eat!

I had the guy at the register get them to make me up a burrito, and he did, but it must have confused him because he rang up some of my stuff wrong. Also, I needed a few orders of salsa and chips. They put everything in boxes for me, and the supervisor came over to help him ring it up. I counted out all the cash, but was short, so I just paid with my credit card.

As I was leaving the register I turned to notice that everyone in the line was staring at me. These punks got they arms crossed and everything! I said, "Smile, assholes! Jesus loves y'all!" and stormed out the door with my boxes. Goddamn, I hate impatient people!

I'm just tryin' to get mines!

As we all know, the squealing sow gets the grease. I take advantage of that fact, and of the business principle that “the customer is always right”. I also just like to demean people while they're doing their jobs because I know I can get away with it. If I can unload on a total stranger without getting in trouble, and at the same time open up the possibility for some free shit, I’m gonna do it.

Step one is to get their attention, and there’s a real art to it. I’ll demand that a cashier honor my expired coupons. I’ll use the same cup all week to get refills at a fast food place. I’ll let my kids run around screaming and breaking things. And I’ll abuse a 100% satisfaction guarantee 100% of the time.

When the clerk or server gives me even the slightest attitude or resistance I immediately start in with the personal attacks. You'd think this would preclude me from getting anywhere with these businesses, but no. Nine times out of ten, when all is said and done, I get some certificates for free stuff, or a few items taken off my check. Same goes for charges on my phone bill, bank overdraft fees, you name it! Hell, one time I threw a tantrum at the post office just because they wouldn’t sell me any single lickable stamps.

This is my way of demanding the royal treatment. It’s nothing personal. The employees are just pawns in my game. They realize early on that they’re powerless to stop me, and they can’t even give me much in the way of free stuff anyway. All they can do is try to calm me down, take my abuse for as long as they can tolerate it, and try to hold the line.

The trick is to bring the situation to head early on, and before you know it you’ll be talking to a manager. Be calm when you speak to management, and completely misrepresent what just happened between you and the associate. They’ll be all apologies, and start offering you things just to shut you up, or as they put it, “to make up for your inconvenience”. The best luck is usually with chain restaurants and stores. Most small business owners do their own managing. Small businesses are often bleeding money as it is, so they’re cheap. They’re also dicks to unhappy customers because they tend to take every complaint about their business personally.

Earlier this month, after cashing my child support check, I decided to take the kids to a Mexican restaurant. My oldest ordered a plate of nachos, and the rest of us ordered combination platters. When we were getting near done eating I looked over our plates to see what I’d be able to get taken off the check. The nachos were eaten down to near the bottom of the plate, and I noticed that the heat and cheese had made some of the bottom chips soggy. I got these motherfuckas!

When the man came to offer us dessert I pointed out that my baby got soggy nachos, and that we would like that removed from the check. He said something about the nature of nacho plates, but I cut him short by loudly reminding him that I was not born yesterday. He began to open his mouth again, but I interrupted him before he started. I hit him with a one of my classic obscenity-laden insults. He glared for a moment, then stormed off silently to get the manager.

When the manager showed up I calmly told him that the waiter had brought us dirty glasses and silverware. I also told him that we had complained about the nachos as soon as they were served and that the waiter had done nothing. The manager was all apologies. He advised us that the nachos and our drinks would be taken off the bill. That worked for me, because those Cadillac margaritas were expensive!

We waited for the check after he walked away, and soon we could hear the waiter getting a stern talking-to at the back of the restaurant. The red-faced waiter then returned and silently tossed the check on the table and walked away. Was that so hard? It felt good to leave him a two dollar tip. He earned it by taking it like a man! Of course my kids got mad at me because I “always embarrass them in public”. They don’t realize what it takes to be a single mom these days.

Mind your own business!

I can't believe what this bitch just said to me!

Our office is small, so our breakroom is nothing but a coffee machine and a microwave next to a sink, set towards the side of the main office space. We don't even have a fridgerator. The downside is that everyone has to smell popcorn or whatever else other people cook.

So I took my lunch break early today, around 11, and I'm over at the microwave heating up some fish sticks. They take a while because they were still a little frozen in the middle, and I like them crispy. Well the fans in the microwave blow the smell all over the office in no time.

Our front desk secretary Sarah came up to me and asked me if there was something less smelly I could make for lunch. She acted like she was joking, but I don't appreciate that shit. I told that bitch that it ain't my problem that we don't have a seperate breakroom! Then I told her about how everyone knows that she eats tuna mixed with plain yogurt every day. It gives her gas and she ends up farting in the copy room or behind the filing cabinets. That's damn sure worse than my weekly fish sticks!

I think she's probably still mad because of last week. I had given her some money to pay for my Chinese food delivery while I was in a meeting. The driver gave her hell because I had only given her enough money for the sesame chicken and crab rangoons, and he wanted a tip. She even had the nerve to knock on the meeting room door to ask me for tip money. I told her that I'm sorry, but that's all the money I got! Damn!

Quit ridin' my tail!

Have you all noticed how road rage is all too common around here? Sometimes when I’m driving my ex-husbands Mercury Cougar down I-64 I see the rudest drivers you could imagine.

If you know me, then you know that I always keep to the fast lane. There’s less activity there and I don’t want to get in an accident. I can’t deal with all that merging and other nonsense when I’m trying to drive and use my phone. Those two right lanes start to slow down occasionally, and I don’t need that. But then I get these people coming too close up behind me, and they’re flashing their headlights at me and whatever. You know what I’m talking about.

Look, y’all, I’m going the speed limit, just like all the cars next to us, so don’t blame me! I look in my rear view mirror and see their hand motions and ugly expressions, like they want me to get out of the way. I pay my taxes, and I’ll drive in whatever lane I want! When they get too close I’ll even resort to tapping my breaks and waving my finger so they can see it through my rear window. You wouldn’t believe the looks I get when they get their chance to pass me on the right! You bastards shouldn’t be speeding anyway! I’m doing you a favor, and saving you from getting a ticket! I swear, y’all need some damn house training!