Monday, October 6

Ridin' dirty!

Ever since I took so much crap from people after posting an innocent opinion about the road rage conditions on our local roads, I've been evaluating my entire driving experience. I want make things as safe and healthy as possible for me and my family. It's not easy, with all these crazy people out on the roads! I actually hit somebody with the van last week! These jerks need to learn not to cut me off when I'm watching a DVD!

For starters, I'm keeping a wooden baseball bat in my trunk. You never know when you're going to need to take control of a situation! Like the other day, I went to visit my friend at her new job, and we got to talking and catching up through the KFC drive thru speaker. Some fool behind me had the nerve to honk his horn. Well you can be damn sure he backed his piece of shit Maxima out of there when I popped my trunk, jumped out the car, grabbed the bat out, and pointed it at him!

One important aspect of driving is the environment, and by that I mean the inside of your car. Rather than letting those cigarette butts pile up, I've started flicking them out of the window. And I toss my fast food garbage out the window now too, rather than just throwing it in the back seat. My car is already starting to smell better. Just make sure you only chuck things out when nobody's looking. I usually do it on curved highway ramps.

Penalties for crimes committed while driving have become increasingly harsh. That's why I decided to tint the windows of my Mercury Cougar. I used one of those kits you can use to do the tint job yourself, so of course it came out all uneven and bubbly. But at least I can take a hit off my mini-bong while stopped at a red light without nosey ass people staring at me.

The tinting provides me with a whole new world of privacy, which is important when I'm sexing a stranger in the backseat while parked behind the Days Inn. And you know how people would get if they could see that I'm rolling a joint and driving with my knee. Of course it only does but so much good, since they're already making a face at me just because I'm cutting diagonally across a crowded parking lot.

As an added precaution, I've taught my son to take the wheel when I'm driving, because sometimes when I'm on the phone or texting people I'll get so angry that I actually forget that I'm supposed to be driving! The kid are also learning to point things out for me, like baby carriages and cop cars. And yesterday afternoon, when I got shit-faced at the Applebee's, they watched for mall security while I squatted behind the car to take a piss.

20 comments:

Anonymous said...

How dare you! You call yourself a mother!?!?! Bringing children into this world is a blessing from God. And how do you honor this gift? Only by becoming a junkie, what with being on pot and Lord knows what else! Have you no shame? A common criminal!

Anonymous said...

And who says people who've found religion don't get what's going on in the world

Anonymous said...

i do the same shit. get my 6 year old to take the wheel when im tryin to find another beer in the back seat.

Anonymous said...

What better way to teach your children responsibility, than giving them chores. Fetching the beer, filling the bong, lighting the crack pipe. They grown up to be more thoughtful people when they need to look out for others. Hear hear I say.

alphawoman said...

Did youover react to a little honk at the drive-thru?? lol!!

Anonymous said...

I am writting an essay for school on blogging. Yours is the first one that I have ever read. Are you for really or do you just write shit to get a rise out of people? Your actions are so againist the grain that I can believe that they are true.

Meade Skelton said...

I am shocked and amazed at how incredibly rude and impatient Richmond drivers are becoming. I really think its all these people who move here from other places. But I remember as little as 5 or 10 years ago people would be a lot more easy going. People honk their horns A LOT more and for no reason. As when you slow down to make a right turn or if you dont go exactly when the light turns green. I wish those people would stay up in NY/NJ area and not come down here.

miche said...

Farkin' hilarious!

DaveA said...

Way to go first poster! (October 6, 2008 11:41 AM) I thought reading comprehension and applied context were learned by seventh grade.

Maybe some people really do have no sense of humor.

Nice post. I'm only guilty of rolling a spliff, but I only do it on the highway where there are no corners ;)

Anonymous said...

Even money says the first poster thought Palin was a godsend.
Any takers?

Anonymous said...

Poster 1 - you are so right. I just cannot understand how those other horrible people in this site do not support you, driving like this women writes is just unacceptable, and what is the deal with the baseball bat?

This blows my mind that there drivers like Jocelyn out there (then again I should not be surprised as I live in SoFla). I pray to god that at one day lighting strikes & Jocelyn will understand the wrongs of her ways

--
Chukchi

Anonymous said...

Mercury is nice car. I drive thru richmond on my way to norfolk, virgina sometimes. If swinging I want to have NSA casual encounter. NSA means "no strings attached" which therefore means I don't make love to you on your period. But you can still give me head seriosly. YOu should be clean and not be dizzised (herpes is ok). Let me know something. Also, if there is a good meat n three, i might take you to it. - Doug V.

Quenewf88 said...

ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!! That was BRILLIANT!!!

(but seriously... what's up with people who don't get the humour in this post??)

Leroy said...

lol I wonder why the guy honked.
Oh wait you weren't ordering food, you were "catching up".
I would have honked too lol.
As for the tinted window thing, I agree.

Cyrus said...

LMFAO - First I have to say this, this piece was brilliantly written, and I think it is one of the funnier things I have read in some time. Then I got to the comments and the laughs just kept comming! Oh I love a blog that keeps giving! LOL, very funny!

Anonymous said...

"These jerks need to learn not to cut me off when I'm watching a DVD!"

HA! Priceless!

Anonymous said...

you commenters are idiots. taking things waaay too seriously.

Anonymous said...

what a better way of getting people back into religion than cutting them off while watching a DVD.. I bet they were saying Gods name allot after that.. good for you..spreading the work and such.

glenneroo said...

I can't to have children so that I may also teach them these extremely useful life skills! Let your blog be guidance for all parents, current or to-be!

I hope you write a book one day, filled with your amazing bits of wisdom and advice. I would definitely buy copies just to give my friends!

And to all the haters out there: learn some respect, this woman is divine inspiration! She's like Buddha of the 21st century.

Anonymous said...

that was very mean to want to hit that poor guy with a bat for only honking his horn maybe you were taking too long.
you should go to church with the
guy and become his friend.
throw away the bat not lady like