Monday, October 13

Public displays of affection!

Phil took me out to a real fancy seafood place for dinner last night. It was a total surprise! I was just out in the utility shed in my housedress huffing some jenkem when I heard him calling me from inside the townhouse. I came in and he had flowers and was all dressed up in his fancy church clothes. Just the sight of him had me blushing like a dumpy virgin!

I got myself gussied up with my one nice maternity dress, and a few sprays of Paris Hilton's "Can Can" perfume. He drove us downtown, and I tell ya, he was sweet talking me the whole way! I really felt like a princess! Then he pulled out a blunt that he had rolled with some of those banana flavored cigar papers that I like so much! We got high as shit! He even found us a nice parking spot right in front of the restaurant!

We shared a double order of raw oysters as an appetizer. By the time the entrees arrived I was hornier than a sick old cat in heat! That's how it is sometimes when you're pregnant, stoned, and full of raw shellfish. I started making eyes at Phil, dipping my fingers in my bowl of fish chowder and teasing him with them. He responded with some heavy petting under my dress. Then I got a bit bolder and hopped up on his lap!

It was about that time that the restaurant manager showed up and asked us nicely to get our asses out of there. This guy clearly meant business. He had an uneasy look on his face, like he was going to vomit, or start throwing punches. We left quietly, and rather embarrassed. I honestly don't understand why it's okay to breastfeed a baby in public, but not a drunken bearded man. I can't help it if I'm blessed with early lactating! It's just how I was made!

19 comments:

Anonymous said...

Girl! Men are big ol babies! You should be able to breast feed him anywhere you want! Dont let them take away your rights! Next thing you know they will be taking away those yummy raw oysters because you're pregnant!

Anonymous said...

I have just stumbled onto your blog after I found a link on CollegeHumor. I haven't laughed this hard in a long time, and I look forward to having this guilty pleasure to read when I am bored in class. You should be writing for a television show and/or movies.

Anonymous said...

Hey you should check out a few online auctions - you can sell your breastmilk and make some extra dough!!! Put that unborn child to work and make them earn their keep!

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn honey, you are what is right with the world. Keep on keeping on.

Anonymous said...

keep it real girl!

Anonymous said...

You never fail to make me laugh! And I loveee when peeps come up on here and act all high and mighty! I always look at your comments because there's usually at least one dumbass on there!

Katie B said...

um, amazing.

Anonymous said...

you seem cool...but why is it women smoke weed and shit when their pregnant??? my mom told me she did that when she was pregnant with me even! WTH?! lol...when will this madness end man?! :D

LSTB said...

Yeah, if you smoke weed while you're pregnant, your child will be born with an inability to use correct capitilization.

Anonymous said...

oh god, if i saw your ugly toothless mug getting it on i would totally puke. youre disgusting, and comparing the breastfeeding of a child, to your sexual pleasures, is beyond offensive, and just plain ignorant. the people who read your blog must all be

a. toothless
b. in some small town in a red state
c. on welfare
d. inbred hicks with IQ's below 80
and finally
e. the people who need to be sterilized so they dont expediate the dumbing down of ours society.

it makes me want to hurl knowing you are having another child. why is it all the fucking biggest morons are the biggest baby factories?

Anonymous said...

f-ing gross. stay out of the public eye, and yes, i'd prefer to see a breastfeeding woman rather than the nasty crap you described. blech!!! keep that s**t to yourself please.

ultraholland said...

I've been real shiatty after this weekend. Want to get together and huff some premium jenkem?? Call me.

Anonymous said...

Smoking weed while you're pregnant is a really, really bad idea.

Anonymous said...

Actually smoking weed while you're pregnant is a good idea because. Wait I accidentally the whole thing.

Anonymous said...

Jenkem rocks! I love that shit!

Anonymous said...

doing hard drugs when you're pregnant. HEY GREAT IDEA!

Anonymous said...

people complaining about her smoking weed obviously dont know what jenkem is rofl. HINT: ITS FERMENTED SHIT YOU HUFF. LITERALLY; HUMAN FECES.

both are obviously retarded to do when pregnant... which is a pretty redundant thing to say after looking at this chicks pic.

Anstrodom said...

So I just found your blog today, and I can't believe what I have been missing out on. The posts are great, but I don't know if I like them or the comments better. The self-righteous humorless circle jerking that goes on beneath your posts is a real treat (ex: any anonymous post). Keep it up!

Jonny Dade said...

Eeeee, this blog makes me feel ill, you're way too open-minded. I mean, having an open mind is usually good, but you just take the piss lady.