Monday, October 20

Learn some strip club etiquette!

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

As for the women, the rule is the same, unless you're there with your man. In that circumstance you do not need to tip. We get so much satisfaction from being sexier to your man than you are that the bitchy scowls from you and your stupid best friend you brought along are payment enough! Just make sure you watch your mouth. It would be a shame if somebody cut that pretty face of yours!

Another thing you need to know is that we always come to work, even when we're sick. I've stripped while fighting a flu, or even when suffering from really bad gas! During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit, and cats are notorious for that. He didn't agree, so I told the bouncers that he groped me, and they threw him skull-first onto the pavement outside.

There's one question that I'm gonna answer even before you ask it: Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off! Hell, one time I gave an ex-convict a dry handjob in exchange for a half pack of cigarettes. It ain't no thang!

Some customers will make proposals of this sort when the girls are coming around for their tips. That's okay, but not ideal. The best way is to approach them in the parking lot when they're getting off their shift. Show her that you're carrying a large black plastic trash bag, so she'll see that there's somewhere to keep her purse and soiled dance costumes while she's workin' you over!

Of course that's not enough for some guys. Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine. Get yourself a dealer, and enough cash to keep a steady supply. Before you know it, you'll be one of those guys in his late forties who's moving in with a stripper in her late twenties who wears low rise jeans with stretched out thongs that ride halfway up her back.

27 comments:

Anonymous said...

"An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping."

Simultaneous spit-take and pee stain. This is the kind of genius where you know you're being had but you wish you weren't.

Anonymous said...

Is this for real? After reading this I have less faith in our constitution than I did before. Do you think this is what our forefathers had in mind when they wrote the 1st amendment? I DON'T THINK SO, MADAM.

In places like ASIA they would never let their citizens blog such vile content. You wonder why they are so good in math and here at home we give up jobs to illegals and MEXICANS.

I suggest you leave the USA and head over to IRAN. That's where you belong, I think they would teach you some lessons there on what it means to be a LADY. You make me ashamed to have relatives from Richmond.

Anonymous said...

Glad to hear I've been doing it right all along.

Anonymous said...

I don't know what's more hilarious, the content of your blog, or the comments that preach at you! I haven't laughed so hard in a while. You make me want to be you when I grow up! Well, maybe not. But you get what I mean!

LSTB said...

Oooh, don't forget that when a patron chooses to tip a stripper while she's still onstage, it's best to wad the bills up and throw them at her like spitballs. Substituting beer labels and gum wrappers when you run out of cash is also acceptable; after all, she's so caught up in the eroticism of the moment that she'll never notice!

Anonymous said...

Anon: "In places like ASIA they would never let their citizens blog such vile content." You should be proud that you live in a country where free speech and democracy are valued, that is what our forefathers had in mind when they wrote the first amendment. Furthermore, how would sending her to Iran make her a lady? Unless you think being a lady involves being a repressed, second-class citizen with no rights. I don't think you have any idea what you are talking about, you should just keep your mouth shut to avoid any future embarrassments!

Dan said...

Too funny... and here all this time, I've been using actual U.S. dollar bills!!! WOW! I never knew!!!

Can I get a "hummer" (not the truck, mind you) for a pack of "Chicklets" and a pair of nylons?



Just thought I'd ask.....

Anonymous said...

$20 says she's voting for McCain.

Anonymous said...

$50 says she will blow McCain before Election Day.

Anonymous said...

"He didn't agree, so I told the bouncers that he groped me, and they threw him skull-first onto the pavement outside. "

Wow, that was uncalled for. You farted in the guy's face and you expect him NOT to get upset?

What a bitch >:[

Tom Sanchez Prunier said...

I was going to avoid posting on this, but then these ridiculous comments, all of them from anonymous posters.

Went to strip club in Richmond just once - for a bachelor party a few years ago - and was disappointed by the Band-Aids, the $30 price tag for a two-song dance, the dancers fighting over the aforementioned crumpled dollar bills/beer labels like Waffle House waitresses for tips and one portly dancer actually stealing my friend's bills.

Then again, it's about personal choice. I'm sure it was much better than the Russian androids that have infiltrated my old stomping grounds of New Jersey.

Jocelyn, I agree with the sentiment that I wasn't sure how serious this was, because, like Kathy Griffin last month, the funny ended abruptly.

Anonymous said...

You can jossle my testes as hard as you like baby. Truly, you are the woman I've been waiting for. Ditch that loser Phil and hop on the Rico train baby!

Ra said...

My secret is to tip the girls with $2 bills. They think they are rare and they ignore the guy who just gave them a $20, while telling me stories about their daughter and how this gift will go into her hope chest.

Tip 2. Never pay for a lap dance. Those are for suckers. You wanna just take her home... and NEVER ask for one there. Trust me on that one.

Anonymous said...

Let me get this right... you farted in a guy's face, then tried to laugh about it. He got pissed off, and you lied to get him thrown out of the club and possibly injured?

You are kinda a bitch.

obbop said...

So that's why the bouncer threw me out the door.

Stripper Hacks said...

I do hope you're joking as I've never been available for blatant sex for money and haven't been fingered in the VIP.

When I heard a dancer did a crappy dance for some food stamps I thought that was pretty low. But touching a guys junk for some smokes...what a horrible little train wreck you are to put it mildly.

Anonymous said...

OMG! Why can't these readers see this is comedy!! It's supposed to be FUNNY!

Anonymous said...

This blog is full of win.

Anonymous said...

This is the most disgusting thing I've ever read. Ever. And I've never been more turned on. I'll pay you any amount of money in exchange for you throwing on the old cat suit, shoving your fat ass in my face, and blowing a fart. DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS.

Anonymous said...

wow jocelyn testes-harder......i cant believe the majority dont understand this blog

Annie Temple said...

Great blog! LOL

Anonymous said...

A stripper is calling another stripper a train-wreck. That's even funnier than this blog!

Anonymous said...

This whole time I've been paying women extra to fart in my face, what a gyp.

Anonymous said...

This is disgusting.

lady writer said...

Thanks for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

I have'nt laughed this hard in years. Thank you!

Meanroy said...

Ah Jocelyn, I'm truly in love.

Will you be my valentine?

:-)