Thursday, October 2

Customer service secrets!

I gave y'all some helpful hints in a previous post about how we, as consumers, can take a stand and demand what's ours. Now I'm going to show all you customer service folks out there how you can take control of most situations, and have fun doing it! I'm an office manager now, but I've held many service level jobs over the course of my career.

I'll start out in the world of call centers. There's few things more awful than having to answer phones in a customer service department. You never know if your next call will be a simple transfer, or twenty minutes of ranting from some raging whore, who is complaining because she's had to call back 15 times to get one simple thing done. And nearly every caller is aggravated because they've been sent through a labyrinth-style phone menu, followed by torturous musical hold.

First of all, you need to figure out what your needs are. In most cases it's call volume, and call times. So it's always in your best interest to keep calls as short as possible. Answer the phone by racing through the greeting, especially the part where you say your name. If they get mad later on in the call and say, "What's your name?!" you can simply reply, "Oh, you didn't catch that, did you bitch?" and hang up right in their face.

If a caller's problem sounds too complicated, offer to transfer them to the "appropriate department". Then just transfer them back to your own department (if the odds are good that you won't get them again), or to any random number that suits your fancy. I used to like to send people to billing, after yelling, "Sir, you need to pay your bill!", even if their account was current. By the time they made their way back to our group I'd have clocked out for lunch!

Now lets turn it over to you sad bastards working in face-to-face customer service. You have definitely got it the worst. You've gotta take it from their ugly faces without showing even a hint of attitude. Smile, kill them with kindness to the point that they feel guilty and end up apologizing. Then, when they're gone, copy down their credit card info and send it in reply to every foreign Email scheme that comes into your spam folder.

I used to work at the bill pay and equipment counter for a cable TV company. Folks would come in there causing a ruckus for one reason or another. The really nasty ones would return their equipment in a huff, yell out their account info, and walk out without a receipt. To reward their rudeness, I'd fail to enter the return in the system, and scratch the serial number off their equipment. I hope they enjoyed the $500 equipment fee on their last bill!

I'd speak to the world of food service, but you folks already know what to do. The important thing is that the customer never find out what disgusting things you did to their food. And when you circle the total for a large party's bill, make sure your pen goes through the included tip amount, so they don't realize that it was included, and end up tipping you on the total amount! Even if you don't have time to exact revenge on a specific client, you always have the satisfaction of knowing that the ice y'all put in every customer's drink is probably teeming with parasites!


That guy said...

I thought you sounded familiar.

Anonymous said...

Sorry, but I hope you never, ever deal with customer service again. I wish I could fire you.

Anonymous said...

"Oh, you didn't catch that, did you bitch?" and hang up right in their face.

Haha, loved that one.

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

"overseas" is one word, you toothless miscreant.


Anonymous said...

Wow, this is honestly terrifying. I hope you are on the receiving end of everything you just suggested, ten times over. Please tell me you don't teach similar lessons to your children.

nicole said...

lol... the BEST part of reading your blog, 'Jocelyn', is reading the comments that these total idiots spew out after the fact.

Your blog has become my favorite source of entertainment. I'm constantly forwarding posts on to my friends because i just think it should be shared w/the world. Your brand of humor is fantastic and has me hooked!

love, love, LOVE your blog, jocelyn!

Anonymous said...

Your site has won a Blog of the Day Award (BOTDA)

Award Code

Your award will go live on Tuesday October 07, 2008

Thank you,

Bill Austin

Anonymous said...

5 minutes of reading your blog puts you as a manipulative, arrogant, abrasive and vengeful woman. I can't IMAGINE why he left.

Please don't ever breed, vote or start a blog page. Oops, too late on all three.

Anonymous said...

You are human waste! I'm going to find out who you are and report you to social services. Richmond has been my home for 23 years and I'll find you.

In the meantime, try and save your soul by praising Him. Seriously, I pray for you. But I'm still turning you in when I find you.

Anonymous said...

I love you forever.

mr.james said...

Gurl, you know you know how to hook a brother up wit sum good service.

And to think I started to pawn this laptop, please.

Pete said...

Haha. You are NOT an office manager. Shut your dirty little whore mouth and get back on the phones. Your handle time needs improvement.

Anonymous said...

One of your best posts yet. Keep 'em comin'!!