Friday, October 10

You gotta give back!

I'm proud to say that I've been donating some of my time to the community. So while the rest of you butt-skulls just sit on ass watching television, I'm out there mentoring a group of teens as part of a progressive new program. Kids today need direction, and sometimes need to be reminded that there is life after high school. They also need to know how to get the most out of their high school experience. That's where I come in!

We all wish we could go back to high school knowing what we know now. That's why I advise the kids in my group to go out and commit as many felonies as possible before they turn 18. I tell the girls about how much fun it can be to sleep with the gym coach. And the boys are sometimes shocked to learn these public school years could be their last chance to sleep with virgins, (yet sluts will be around for the rest of their lives!).

I teach them things that will help get them through these difficult adolescent years. For example, most kids don't realize that their dad's coin collection can be used to buy drugs. And if their dad complains, they can just load his computer with nasty porn for their mom to find. They were also interested in the idea that a few dirty pennies dropped in the tank could successfully kill a teacher's fish.

They had all kinds of questions about how to work the system. My advice was to weaken it in subtle ways, like stealing library books and throwing them away. Or annoy the teachers by talking like a rapper or a born again Christian. A few of the boys couldn't wait to try hitting on the lunch ladies to get bonus tater tots. I even encouraged one chubby youngster to plan a walk-out in protest of the "two taco limit".

To the outcasts, I could only recommend snitching on the popular kids, after planting drugs in their lockers. They had never even thought of using a car's trunk as a refrigerator for beer during wintertime. Or how you can get drugs prescribed to you by simply plastering your locker door with pictures of swimsuit models with their head and limbs cut off. I also told them to stop acting all depressed, because honestly, nobody gives a shit.

The hardest part is helping them plan for the changes they'll face heading into college. For one the thing, they need to learn how to cheat their way through everything, like grown-ups do. Also, they'll want to switch their morning breakfast routine from Carnation Instant Breakfast to a half pitcher of Bailey's Irish Cream. And there are no parents at college to check you out when you get home, so you might as well reek like cheap beer (and cheaper women!). And nothing says "originality" like streaking through the quad, flashing everyone with a view of your impish genitals.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

A handy tip for our youth: A better use of library books is to tear them up and back up the toilets with them. If you throw them away, you've wasted an opportunity to flood the hallway and possibly be let out early.

Tooslim73 said...

A classic ...break a sharp pencil point off in the doorknon lock ...no class for you!

Anonymous said...

Baby, please marry my thrice divorced ass right now!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I just hope your kids don't read your blog. I can't imagine finding out that Mom had 'messy rough' sex with a stranger on line.

Anonymous said...

...man you are very condescending to the general public... no wonder your husband left you

TheresaClare said...

Keep it up girl! You're an inspiration for all us young females!

MayBelle said...

Jocie,

You are doing a dis-service to these teenage boys. Suggesting that they chase after virginal cheerleaders when they have the opportunity of a lifetime to jump on a MILF with stripper experience is just plain wrong! If you were really concerned and honestly caring, you would be arranging some decent sex-ed demonstrations for the girls and the guys!

Anonymous said...

Get your teeth fixed you fucking whore.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you sound like soon to be re-divorced, too. Here's a handy tip: You can charge more as a hooker if you have all your teeth, so don't backtack, bitch.

Anonymous said...

Stealing from the library does what exactly? That's just plain ignorant. Stealing from the corporations makes some sense, but the library?