Wednesday, November 26

A Thanksgiving that doesn't suck!

Thanksgiving this year is going to be great, because I won't have to spend it with my ex-husband Kevin's stupid family. Those jerkoffs don't have a clue of how to do it up right. They always serve too many fancy appetizers, so everybody fills up before the meal even starts. Then they like to watch those parades on TV, which is nothing but a bunch of inflatable characters that are so old that none of the kids even recognize them.

The food they serve is what bothers me most. His idiot mother's turkey is as dry as a popcorn fart. The cranberry sauce doesn't have enough sugar, and the sweet potatoes don't even have marshmallows on top! His decrepit Grandmother insists on making that old fashioned guts n' onion stuffing that everybody hates. They serve cheap dinner rolls that don't soak up gravy worth a damn. And to add insult to injury, they have the nerve to make my children sit at the dehumanizing "kid's table"!

Come to think of it, everything about their house was terrible for Thanksgiving! It's bad enough that they've got the nasty pink padded toilet seat, but how am I supposed to work with single-ply toilet paper after the biggest dump of my life? Of course after dinner these assholes watch football games non-stop. I got so bored one year that I ended up drinking too much red wine and dancing topless with his fat aunt.

Then they've got all these goddamn little kids running around while I'm trying to take a turkey nap. That's just as well, since the living room couches are too short to lay on, and of course the recliner doesn't go all the way back. So the only option is the upstairs guest room, which is a bitch to get to when you're so full that you can't even walk erect. After relaxing for a while they drag everybody to the theater to take in the worst movie available.

So this year I'm happy to be keeping it to my immediate family. Luckily, Mother is stuck in that nursing home, so I don't need to worry about her inviting all our gnarly relatives from out of town to show up here and expect me to put them up for the week. (One thing I promised myself early on was that I'd never let smelly relatives take over my kid's rooms during holidays like my parents used to do to us.) None of my worthless relatives get along that well anyway, so good riddance!

I've got the food bank coming today with a nice Thanksgiving care package, which is really a time saver for me more than anything else. We can afford way better, but why turn down free food, am I right? Then Phil is taking us to the dump where we're going to hunt rodents with his paint ball guns! You know what they say! "The family that preys together, stays together"! Finally, we'll settle in on the couch to watch The Shining. I hope my three year old loves it as much as I did when I was her age!


Monday, November 24

Pregnancy loves company!

I'm just over 7 months pregnant now. It's insufferable. I'm having a difficult time finding new guys who want to get with me, and nobody wants to sell me any drugs, which I need because I'm moody as hell. That makes me even angrier! I really need to get high sometimes. I can't risk messing up my new job by losing my temper. Hell, I can't even relax when I'm supposed to!

Like on Saturday. I was out at the club, gettin' my drink on and dancing a little. It had been a pretty weak night, until I caught the attention of a half dozen Mexican construction workers. They started talking about trying to bring me back to their motel room. Suddenly this rat-faced little bitch stomps over and gets right in my face, saying she was with them and that they had no interest in me anyway.

Normally I'm too smart to get violent. But you know I can't have no smelly, pockmarked slut pointing in my face and blowin' up my spot! As if her insults weren't enough, her stank breath just about turned my stomach. I walked off, took a seat across the bar, and began to bide my time. I continued to keep an eye on her without raising suspicion.

After about an hour I saw her heading towards the ladies room. I followed. I entered quietly and listened. She sounded like a cow pissing on a flat rock. Then she flushed, opened the stall door, and met with one powerful burst of orange dyed mace from the can that I keep in my purse! As she screamed and reached for her eyes, I smacked her in the nose as hard as I could. Then I turned, kicked open the bathroom door, and moved casually towards the exit.

My hand was burning all night from that mace, and it'll probably be stained orange for a week! It's a good thing my new job doesn't start until then, or I'd have some explaining to do! It would be nice to tell somebody though, just to vent! All this stress and bullshit does not make for a healthy pregnancy. Life can really pile it on like that sometimes!

So you can probably imagine how delighted I was to hear some good news! My daughter Darla is pregnant now too! Granted she's only 15, but we've got the money to support another child, so what's the harm? In a way I feel I need to help her take responsibility for this baby, because I've given her all kinds of hell for stealing condoms from my bedside drawer. I wanted her to buy her own, and I know how inconvenient that can be. Now she's going to learn how inconvenient a baby can be!

Thursday, November 20

Revenge of the working class!

The word has come down that the company I work for has been bought out, and my branch will most likely be shut down before too long. It's a bit of a coincidence, as I've been applying all over town for a new job these last couple months, and I happen to be sitting on a fresh offer for a higher paying position at a new company just down the road. Even though this is all working out for me, and I could just change jobs and move on quietly, I still feel like I've got a reason to be angry!

When the director of our branch heard about the buyout she just quit outright. That was before the rest of us even found out about it. So considering that I'm the office manager, and that I'm sitting on this new job offer, I figured I'd follow her lead, walk out, and leave my own mark to show the new owners my displeasure. The new company is sending their H.R. person in next week, and I wanted to make certain that she hears about my actions from my coworkers!

Everyone in the office was so worked up about the buyout that they all went out for lunch together to talk about it. I stayed behind. This was my chance to carry out my carefully planned exit. I figured that the most critical move was to walk out without telling anyone how to do those few important things that only I know how to do. Anything else I might do would be gravy!

So the I dug around in an empty desk and found an old system login password from a girl who I recently fired, and used it to log on to our system and deliberately screw up some of our customers' accounts (the only thing that the new owners really care about). Also, I used her corporate email account to send a vicious "up yours!" message to the company-wide email group.

I grabbed a trash bag from the supply closet and started trashing vital items from all around the office. First the 3-hole punch, then all the files in the "N-R" cabinet of our client folders. I also tossed the last two cans of sugar from the coffee station, and the ink cartridges from out of the printers and Xerox machine.

Then I ran out to the car, stashed the garbage bag, and grabbed my duffel bag of secret weapons, including two rats from my son's pet rat cage. I taped them up inside of a paper towel tube and stuffed the tube into the back of the coat closet. Based on my experience, those rats should have eaten their way out of the tube by the evening. Once freed they will undoubtedly make a nest and breed.

I went back to the break room, where I shoved a couple of bagels into our double toaster and pushed the lever down. When that old toaster is stuffed with bagels the little toast ejector thing is unable to pop up, so it doesn't stop toasting until they're completely burned to shit. Then I made my way over to that bitch Sarah's desk. I opened up the base of her computer mouse and stuffed the insides with a hearty fingerful of wet cat food.

Just before leaving for good I completed one final act of defiance by enjoying my last paid defecation in the building's bathroom. Thanks to last night's drinking I worked up a particularly nasty dump, and deliberately refrained from flushing it down. Then, just before exiting the building, I used my office manager key to enter the janitor's closet, surveyed the plumbing valves, and shut off the water flow to the restrooms. Then I locked the closet door behind me so that nobody would be able to flush anything until the janitor was called in to check it out.

Monday, November 17

It's up to us to save the environment!

It seems like everybody and their bisexual cousin is talking about the environment these days. It has even become a fashionable topic in the worlds of politics, business, and scientific study. Of course a few small-minded folks still think it's okay to sit on ass and wait for greater minds to come up with the solutions. But the rest of us have come to realize that we all need to take positive steps as individuals in order to make a true impact.

Climatologists been warning us since the 1980s about the CFCs that are present in many spray cans. CFCs contribute to greenhouse gases or deteriorating the ozone or something. So when you use things like hair products and spray paint you should try to avoid spraying them directly. Instead you should spray the product into a rag, huff on the rag until the fumes dissipate, and then apply to the intended surface.

Reducing what ends up in landfills is also a major goal of the environmentally conscious. So burn whatever you can rather than throwing it away, especially larger items like mattresses and refrigerators. And never throw out something that you can reuse. I always keep a pile of old batteries and dead lighters in my purse that I can throw at strangers who annoy me, like pedestrians who take an unnecessarily long time to cross the street in front of my car.

You're not supposed to put oils and stuff in a landfill either. So when it's time to change your oil just park the car next to a curb that has a storm drain. Remove the drain plug in your car's oil pan, drain the dirty oil into the storm drain, and replace the drain plug. Pour new oil into your engine and you're good to go! Rather than soaking into the ground, that old oil will flow out into nearby waterways, where it will eventually dilute out of existence, or break down into it's basic elements!

I've been committed to these kinds of important measures, and I've even managed to come up with a few techniques of my own. I've put my mind to cutting down on what we use, with a focus on saving money! I've been lowering the totals on our costly water bill by making the kids bathe together, and forcing them to poop in the back yard. I've also found that a condom can be reused if you simply turn it inside out and wipe it off with a dry paper towel.

Friday, November 14

25 things you shouldn't put in your mouth!

Kids these days are always picking things up and putting them in their mouths. Even the most attentive parents are simply unable to slap every unclean object out their of their children's hands in time. So I've prepared this handy list you can give to your kids so they'll know which items are ineligible for tasting:

1.That filthy ring of keys that Mommy carries around
2.Your bacteria-caked fingernails
3.Stray sock matted into the ground at a 4-way stop
4.Cigarette butts discovered in a rental car ashtray
5.The 3-foot-long tapeworm you just lured out of your ass
6.Orthodontic retainer salvaged from a junkyard
7.Those greenish defective potato chips
8.Broken pager you found on the floor at the movie theater
9.Harmonica clutched in the grubby hand of a dead hobo
10.Mangled condom wrapper that a pigeon was messing with
11.Toe nail clipping that hits you in the face on a city bus
12.Unwrapped Starburst melted onto a car's floor mat
13.Pacifier left behind in the bathroom at a rave
14.Large floppy titty sticking through a hole in the wall
15.Deep fried bird head that turns up in box of chicken nuggets
16.Rented porno cassette slathered in stranger lube
17.Severed goiter from a dumpster full of medical waste
18.Any penny, no matter the circumstances
19.Orange Tic-Tac the cat has been batting around all day
20.One large hoop earring you bought at the thrift store
21.Tommy Lee's loathsome member
22.Half of a peanut stuck to the rim of a public toilet seat
23.Broken crack stem from a Richmond city playground
24.Car wash token retrieved out of a toll booth coin return
25.Crusty, nose blood covered Kleenex from an old coat pocket

Tuesday, November 11

Harassment at the movie theater!

My three year old daughter, little Jailen, has been throwing tantrums all week over this Madagascar sequel that they've been advertising the hell out of. So I loaded her and 8 year old Brandon into the van on Saturday afternoon so we could take in a matinee. I packed the rest of their leftover Halloween candy and a gallon jug of cider into my biggest purse.

The kids were thirsty so I let them have some cider on the drive over. The parking lot was a goddamn zoo, as always, but we managed to find a spot near the back. Of course the ticket line was stretched all the way down the edge of the building! By the time we got up to where we could see the board it was obvious that the showing of Madagascar we wanted was sold out, and the next one wasn't for 45 minutes. I decided to take them to see Role Models instead and hope that Jailen didn't notice.

Role Models is R rated, which is fine. But the previews were rated R as well, and there was this one horror movie preview that scared the hell out of all of us. It had a crab walking dead guy and everything. Jailen started screaming and covering up her face with her jacket. Brandon just covered his eyes and sat there petrified. Once it ended they calmed down for me and manged to recover for the most part.

When the feature started I broke out the snacks. I could barely hear the screen over the sound of our candy wrappers because all our treats were "fun size". The kids fought over certain treats, and we passed the cider jug back and forth and everything was pretty swell. We also had a good laugh because Jailen kept tearing her M&M bags open way too hard, sending candies through the air and onto the floor.

For a while things were quiet and the kids didn't seem to notice that we weren't watching Madagascar. But then I learned something I didn't know. Jailen must be allergic to cider or apples, because she really started stinking up the place! I wasn't sure if she'd filled her diaper or what. She also seemed to have slipped into some kind of sugar coma, so I decided to ignore her, because at least she was behaving.

The movie was funny enough, but so damn nasty, with lots of swearing and sex jokes. Brandon kept asking me what they were talking about, and I did my best to explain. It was kind of annoying because I was also trying to hold a text conversation with Phil on my Blackberry. The screen on that thing is so damn bright that every time I looked back up at the movie screen I was seeing spots.

Some guy behind us got annoyed at our chatter, so he leaned forward and asked if we would please shut up and turn off our phone. I turned off the phone as he was talking, and that's when the usher came in. Then the usher left, and soon returned with the manager. He pointed at the guy who had been talking to us. The manager took they guy out to the end of the aisle and told him to be quiet or be removed.

By the time the manager walked out it was almost time for Madagascar to start in the next theater over, so I woke Jailen up and quietly led her and Brandon up the aisle and out to the bathroom. I changed her diaper, then brought them into the Madagascar theater and put them in some seats. Then I went back out, asked for the manager, and told him that the man sitting behind us in Role Models was still talking and acting drunk and needed to be removed. Then I went back to sit with the kids. I've gotta say, Madagascar was really funny, and a lot of fun!

Sunday, November 9

If you don't know, now you know!

I've received a number of nasty comments over the past several months, many of them too rude to print. The one reader misconception of me that I don't understand is the idea that I'm somehow giving poor single mothers a bad name. This makes absolutely no sense to me, mostly because I'm not poor! I probably put away more money in a year than most of you do. The fact is, I enjoy a pretty decent income, and I'm really good with my money!

It's always been my priority to make sure that I've got plenty of cash coming in. My cushy office job pays me over $45,000 a year plus benefits. Then I've got my child support checks, and a welfare check that I receive under my maiden name. Also, back when we were married, Kevin's father died. Kevin was stationed over in Iraq, so he missed the funeral, among other details. He was one of the main beneficiaries, and since I was handling things for him at the time I arranged for the check to be sent to me instead. I just never told him about it!

Now that I've put my mom in the nursing home I've got an additional bill to pay. Of course it's no trouble, because I'm resourceful. I'll be using the proceeds from the sale of her house and her Social Security checks to pay for her stay, with a generous chunk of change left over. Opportunities like this one are reassuring, because I'm gettin' up there myself, and at this stage in my life it's really all about stackin' the Benjamins! But you can't just bring in money and expect everything to work itself out. You've gotta be smart with it!

That's why I also go to great lengths to protect my rights as a consumer, go out of my way to cut down on costs, and even take time to get my kids involved with supplementing my income whenever possible. I realize that these activities might make me seem poor or cheap to some of you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with being frugal. I guess we'll see who's right in our golden years, when I'm enjoying the highest quality assisted living available, and the rest of you are being abused in some cut rate nursing home like the one I put mother in!

Wednesday, November 5

Takin' a pot shot!

I'd like to start today's post with a big fat "Thanks for nothing!" to all you jerks for not doing a write-in for Hillary yesterday like we agreed! Now we're stuck with this Obama character. Yeah, maybe his inspiring words remind people all over the world about all the great things that America stands for. But so what? What do I get out of that?

I'm sorry, but I have very little confidence that his plans for redistributing wealth are going to work out as well as the Republicans have promised. And tax breaks only benefit those who actually pay their taxes. So forgive me if I reserve my celebrating for when I receive my first big fat socialist money redistribution check!

Aside from standing in the rain for an hour and a half just to throw my vote away, something else happened yesterday which forced me to take a stand for my rights in a more direct way. Y'all know I don't ask for much, but I do demand a little peace and quiet while I use the toilet. This is my "me" time, where I meditate, and get away from the stupid slags in my office.

There are only two stalls in the restroom I use, which is down in the building's main hallway. There's the handicapped accessible stall (that's the one I like), and there's the one regular stall next to it. In order to maintain my privacy, I usually pull the door shut on the regular stall before going into the other, so it looks like they're both occupied.

Usually this setup works beautifully. But yesterday some bitch came in there in a hurry while I was wiping (and playing Solitaire on my iPod). She checked both stall doors, pulled the second door free, and made her way inside and onto the seat. Not only was I aggravated by having my privacy disturbed, but this person didn't even give me time to get up out of there before letting loose with what sounded like a broken garbage bag full of Brunswick stew.

I decided that this ho had to be made an example of. So I put my iPod into my purse, pulled my pants up, and prepared a little surprise. I wadded up a giant ball of toilet paper and sanitary seat covers, dipped it all the way into the toilet, and tossed it over the wall of the stall. As she screamed with surprise, I leaped out of my stall, flipped off the light, and ran down the hall back to my company's office. I must say, it felt damn good to stand up for myself!

Saturday, November 1

Birthday bowling blow-out!

Wednesday was Brandon's 8th birthday, so Phil and I took him, his sisters, and his little friend Andrew to the bowling alley. I had tried to invite some of his other friends, but their moms said that they didn't want to come because Brandon is a bully. That's okay by me, cause I don't really want him hanging out with boys who can't take a punch in the stomach.

On the way to the party we stopped off to throw my mom into a nursing home. The kids weren't too thrilled with it, and I certainly don't like giving up my full-time babysitter. But she needs to be looked after, because she's starting to become forgetful. You wouldn't believe the number of times she has forwarded me old stupid email jokes over the last 10 years.

She hasn't really wanted to babysit the kids much anyway, and it's kind of a pain to drive down the street to her house. So instead I just put the kids in their rooms and let Muffin out of the laundry room to guard the house. The brats won't set foot outside of their rooms when Muffin is on the prowl!

Luckily the kids were done crying by the time we arrived at the bowling alley. We got them all rounded up inside, and I payed for all our shoes. I love stupid rental bowling shoes. They have a way of bringing us all down to the same level. I think if a hot dog burp could somehow be transformed into a shoe, it would look like a bowling shoe.

Another good thing about a bowling alley is that you don't have to wash your hands in between throws and eating their tasty fried finger foods. And for some reason the beer just seems stronger than at home. I'm usually so shit-faced by the second game that I get the attendant to install the bumpers! They're happy to do it, because Phil is in a league team. That's like being a made man!

After our third game I asked Phil to get the kids into the van while I returned the shoes and paid up. While he was ushering them all out the door I shoved the bowling shoes into a little pile under some of the seats. I casually strolled across the room over to the other set of lanes, then cut a diagonal to the door when nobody seemed to be looking. As soon as I got out the door I sprinted to the van, and drove off.

One minute later and we're on the highway. As easy as it was, that little maneuver saved me about $70! The kids wanted to go to an arcade after that, but I had a better idea. I drove us over to the Toys "R" Us, and let them go inside and run wild. While they were gone me and Phil played "slap-and-tickle" in the van. If you ever wondered how condoms ended up on the ground in parking lots, well, now you know!