For the love of Spring!

It's already feeling like Spring here in Virginia, and it's a beautiful thing. The feeling is taking over as sunlight lifts me from my foggy winter gloom. I've been sticking to my car's leather interior more and more, and I have an excuse to hide my permanent facial squint with a pair of sunglasses.

Signs of life abound. The neighborhood squirrels appear rested, and are up to their usual antics. The dog stinks even when he isn't wet. Birds build their filthy nests and attack passersby. Spiders return from hibernation to exact their revenge. And the Easter Bunny will hop into your room to lay some non-dairy chocolate colored eggs.

The Dogwood trees reveal their tender blossoms. Meter maids have an extra bounce in their step as they screw you out of $40. As if by instinct, migrant workers fly by overhead in that classic "V" shape formation. And folks enjoy early sightings of unfit slobs in cut-off jeans, with their adorable 2-foot long arm pit stains.

The smell of renewal and leftover decay is thick in the air. No more tripping over frozen dog poop on the way to the car. Now you can step in nice warm dog poop with your bare feet! And the noisy vibrations of bass-heavy rap blast obnoxiously from every piece-of-shit Richmond vehicle.

This is the time to plan for upcoming Summertime fun. The kids and I will take our usual trip to the Band-aid encrusted shores of Virginia Beach. On the way home I'll drown out their sunburn complaints by turning up the Tom Petty and lighting a fat spliff. At night our cares will melt away as we're lulled to sleep by the rhythm of the bug zapper.

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What a girl wants!

As I mentioned in my last post, Phil and I are gettin' hitched! He truly is the prince I've been waiting for! I figured that setting up a few ground rules was the only way to ensure that the fairytale continues. So I've laid out my demands, and Phil has accepted them! It's like a dream come true!

My first demand was a big fat rock for my finger. I told him that I wouldn't settle for less than a 2 carat stone. Phil came through like a champ with a gorgeous ring that must have cost him about 4 months of income from his plumbing business

I've also made him promise to buy me a new house. I've always wanted to live in a big planned community! Something without a bunch of ugly trees, and carpeted in beautiful fake lawns. I love the kinds of houses they have there. I think they call them "McMansions", probably because they're quick to build and totally awesome!

I assured Phil that even though I like the fact that he's an older, more mature gentleman, that distended old nut sack of his has got to go! But I'm not suggesting castration! A simple cosmetic scrotal tuck will do just fine. I'm making him an appointment with a plastic surgeon for next week.

I'm telling you, this is going to be a new start for us for real! So it only makes sense that a few changes should be made. That's why I've told Phil to have his old hound put to sleep. I'm not going to have that goddamn thing stinking up my new house, or barking at the neighbors who live 20 feet away.

There's one more condition, and this one was almost a deal breaker. But I wouldn't back down...not after all the cheating that went on with my last husband! I will not be made the fool! So starting the day after our honeymoon, Phil will be wearing a male chastity kit, which will be locked by me each morning, and unlocked each night upon his return home.

Christmas shopping made easy!

The way most people do their Christmas shopping just makes me sick. Waiting in stupid long lines for Black Friday specials. Putting tons of new debt on their credit cards. Wasting their hard earned money on gobs of overpriced crap that none of them even need. It's depressing, and it's senseless. This season should be about having fun, and not about spending a lot of money!

You won't find me at those Black Friday sales until just after the stores open. I park my van in a handicapped accessible spot, and watch those first few lucky customers come striding out, smiling over the purchase of a few limited supply items. I follow them from that parking lot to wherever they shop next. Most of them head to the mall. Then, once they've gone inside, I perform a quick smash and grab out of their parked car. Nothing could be easier! Phil is really going to love his new 36" HD television!

Another fun way to stock up on holiday fun is to steal packages from people's doorsteps. I bought the cutest little UPS girl outfit a few Halloweens ago, and it's becoming an indispensable part of my holiday routine. Nobody even notices me when I'm out on my lunch break, hitting up front stoops of houses for a "pick-up". It's nice when the companies put their logos on the shipping boxes so you know what you're getting. I hope my three year old enjoys her new laptop computer!

There's also the option of charitable sources, like Toys for Tots. I apply to those programs with falsified information so my kids can get a few extra gifts out of it. You should see the look on those volunteers faces when they have to deliver that stuff to our well furnished townhouse! But this method doesn't allow you to select what types of toys they bring. So go out earlier in the month and rummage around in their donation bins at the front of stores, and in office buildings. That kid-sized robotic dinosaur I snagged is going to knock little Brandon's socks off!

My final technique is a no-brainer. Folks are always looking for babysitters this time of year. All you need to do is post a few signs up on bulletin boards. Once the baby is asleep you can snag a few items from under their tree and move it out to your trunk before they get home. If you can find extra wrapping paper around you can always empty the boxes and rewrap them. This way you won't arouse any suspicion. My daughter is going to be so excited when she opens up the sassy new Dallas Cowboys jacket I took for her, and all the baby toys I swiped will be perfect for welcoming her unborn baby!

If you don't know, now you know!

I've received a number of nasty comments over the past several months, many of them too rude to print. The one reader misconception of me that I don't understand is the idea that I'm somehow giving poor single mothers a bad name. This makes absolutely no sense to me, mostly because I'm not poor! I probably put away more money in a year than most of you do. The fact is, I enjoy a pretty decent income, and I'm really good with my money!

It's always been my priority to make sure that I've got plenty of cash coming in. My cushy office job pays me over $45,000 a year plus benefits. Then I've got my child support checks, and a welfare check that I receive under my maiden name. Also, back when we were married, Kevin's father died. Kevin was stationed over in Iraq, so he missed the funeral, among other details. He was one of the main beneficiaries, and since I was handling things for him at the time I arranged for the check to be sent to me instead. I just never told him about it!

Now that I've put my mom in the nursing home I've got an additional bill to pay. Of course it's no trouble, because I'm resourceful. I'll be using the proceeds from the sale of her house and her Social Security checks to pay for her stay, with a generous chunk of change left over. Opportunities like this one are reassuring, because I'm gettin' up there myself, and at this stage in my life it's really all about stackin' the Benjamins! But you can't just bring in money and expect everything to work itself out. You've gotta be smart with it!

That's why I also go to great lengths to protect my rights as a consumer, go out of my way to cut down on costs, and even take time to get my kids involved with supplementing my income whenever possible. I realize that these activities might make me seem poor or cheap to some of you, but I don't think there's anything wrong with being frugal. I guess we'll see who's right in our golden years, when I'm enjoying the highest quality assisted living available, and the rest of you are being abused in some cut rate nursing home like the one I put mother in!

Help my homeless homies!

Y'all forget sometimes how good y'all've got it. You're waking up each morning on your comfy beds, taking your hot lathery showers, driving your overprotected, brat-faced kids to school in your fancy cars. Well I don't forget. I try to do a little something each day to make things easier for those amongst us who are most vulnerable. Today is the day that we're going to get together, and talk about the issue of homelessness, rather than just turning a blind eye as we so often do.

Think about this. When you're sitting at a stoplight, what do you do? Find a different CD to listen to, pick your nose, and maybe gawk at the person in the car next to you? When what you could be doing is helping that poor laid off veteran who's standing on the corner with a sign, asking for help. Do you think his Sprint GPS cell phone bill is going to pay itself? Do you think that 2-year old Honda Pilot he has parked around the corner is going to pay itself off? Y'all gotta think!

Damn near every time I go to Carytown there's some crusty dude sitting at the end of the I-195 exit with a crudely fashioned sign. So when I get up to the light I reach my hand into that sticky plastic pocked inside my car door and dig out as many pennies, car wash and Chuck E. Cheese tokens as I can possibly find. Then I toss them on the ground near his feet and take off through the yellow light. Screw the horn honking haters behind me who are waiting through two light cycles just to make it off the ramp. This is more important!

Commuters can do a lot of good, because we see the same people every morning. Familiar strangers, who we connect with on some human level. That's why it's nice to work up a little care package once in a while for those who appear to be in need. Include practical items, like last night's leftovers from Chili's, that blanket your dog used to sleep on before he died, and a mini-crowbar that can be used for self defence, or for finding a warm place to sleep. I also like to include sample-sized packets that I get in the mail, like tooth whitening strips and personal lubricant.

They say that kids make up a large portion of the homeless population. I never see them around our town, but statistics say that they're there. So I keep plastic bags full of my kids' old clothes in the trunk to give to homeless people that I see along my travels. I can only assume that they take those items back to wherever their children are. Of course I only give away torn or visibly soiled items, because I can sell the decent ones for a few bucks at a children's consignment shop.

Finally, we come down to the most pitiful of all, homeless people's dogs. I'm sure that having them along helps with the frequency of cash donations, so who can blame these needy folks for stealing cute dogs out of peoples' yards? Certainly not me! But we also have to face the fact that the money you give these panhandlers for "dog food" is going to be used for booze or heroin. Then they're going to feed the dog half-eaten Taquitos out of the 7-11 dumpster. So instead of cash donations, you could give them things that only a dog would want, like a bag of chicken bones, or an opened package of out-of-date chocolates.

Ridin' dirty!

Ever since I took so much crap from people after posting an innocent opinion about the road rage conditions on our local roads, I've been evaluating my entire driving experience. I want make things as safe and healthy as possible for me and my family. It's not easy, with all these crazy people out on the roads! I actually hit somebody with the van last week! These jerks need to learn not to cut me off when I'm watching a DVD!

For starters, I'm keeping a wooden baseball bat in my trunk. You never know when you're going to need to take control of a situation! Like the other day, I went to visit my friend at her new job, and we got to talking and catching up through the KFC drive thru speaker. Some fool behind me had the nerve to honk his horn. Well you can be damn sure he backed his piece of shit Maxima out of there when I popped my trunk, jumped out the car, grabbed the bat out, and pointed it at him!

One important aspect of driving is the environment, and by that I mean the inside of your car. Rather than letting those cigarette butts pile up, I've started flicking them out of the window. And I toss my fast food garbage out the window now too, rather than just throwing it in the back seat. My car is already starting to smell better. Just make sure you only chuck things out when nobody's looking. I usually do it on curved highway ramps.

Penalties for crimes committed while driving have become increasingly harsh. That's why I decided to tint the windows of my Mercury Cougar. I used one of those kits you can use to do the tint job yourself, so of course it came out all uneven and bubbly. But at least I can take a hit off my mini-bong while stopped at a red light without nosey ass people staring at me.

The tinting provides me with a whole new world of privacy, which is important when I'm sexing a stranger in the backseat while parked behind the Days Inn. And you know how people would get if they could see that I'm rolling a joint and driving with my knee. Of course it only does but so much good, since they're already making a face at me just because I'm cutting diagonally across a crowded parking lot.

As an added precaution, I've taught my son to take the wheel when I'm driving, because sometimes when I'm on the phone or texting people I'll get so angry that I actually forget that I'm supposed to be driving! The kid are also learning to point things out for me, like baby carriages and cop cars. And yesterday afternoon, when I got shit-faced at the Applebee's, they watched for mall security while I squatted behind the car to take a piss.

Shopping malls are my thang!

One of my favorite things to do in this boring ass town is to hit up a shopping mall. The mall is a safe place to let the kids run loose while I spend some of my extra cash on all the things that make life worthwhile. I like to be comfortable when I shop, so I wear my baggiest stretch pants, an oversized white T-shirt, and a black fannypack over the shirt, around my waist. I crimp my hair, and slip on my chunky black sandals (the ones with the four inch thick sole!).

When we get there the kids run off to fish coins out of the fountain so they can afford some games at the arcade. I usually treat myself to a snack so I'll have plenty of energy to shop. I got myself a big ol' Cinnabon at the Food Court on our last visit to the mall, and wolfed it down in record time! I was chewing the last hunk of it when I noticed some crazy woman standing near the Taco Bell counter, yelling and beating her kid's ass. I laughed so hard that a bunch of Cinnabon mess came shooting out my nose!

I wiped off my mouth with my hands, then wiped off my hands on the back of a stroller that was sticking out near me from the next table over. Phil and I drank a bunch of homemade hard cider the night before, and I had the runs big time. So I sauntered over to the women's bathroom to teach that handicapped accessible stall a little humility. My hands were still pretty messy from my snack, so I'm sure I left those rails in the stall about as sticky as a fly strip.

Shopping and eating aren't the only things to do at the mall. Sometimes it's fun just to pick on mall employees, like how I always yell "How them Dippin' Dots treatin' ya, fatty?!" to the big girl at the Dippin' Dots stand. And when I see small children throwing tantrums I'll sometimes sneak up to them and give them a really hard pinch, then walk away before anybody notices. Some of you might be bothered by that idea, but kids are our future, and it takes a village, if you know what I mean!

Another thing about me is that I try on everything before I buy it. If a cute top doesn't fit me I like to stretch it out with my knee so that it will never fit anyone ever again. And if something is a little pricier than I like I've got a good technique for stealing it. I rip one of those security things off another item and drop it in an old woman's giant purse. Then I walk out the door the same time as her. She'll inevitably stop and look around when the alarm goes off, and I just keep on going.

It was time to head back to the Food Court again for my fifth sample of sesame chicken. That's when I realized something else about myself. Whenever I'm at the mall I always look other women up and down, usually with one nostril raised in disgust. If they return eye contact I say something like, "What you lookin' at, ya gawky bitch?". It's a strange part of my personality, the way I have to show dominance to any other women I encounter. But that's the way I am, and I ain't changing for nobody!

The kids met me at our usual spot, by the candy machines. I don't like them to eat candy in the van, so I make them spit their gum out on the ground by the mall's entrance doors. Then, on the way back to our parking spot we play a game where they check the locks on the other cars to see if any are unlocked. When they find one they call me over so I can grab any valuables that have been left out. I've gotten quite a collection of iPods together from playing this game!

Exercise your right to smoke!

It's time for us smokers to really take a stand, and start exercising the few remaining rights we have. I remember as a girl, my dad could chain-smoke while grocery shopping, sitting though an hour-long flight, or even pumping gas. He could even flick lit butts out of the window in the middle of Autumn! These days, the options are limited for Virginia smokers (and they call this a tobacco state!)

Of course we can generally smoke outside as long as it isn't near flammable fumes, but what fun is that? I prefer the glamour of enjoying a nice long generic cigarette in a closed public setting. There's nothing more satisfying than walking into a bar full of folks who aren't smoking and whipping out a pack of "Basics" for all to see. It's empowering to watch the other patron's expressions change as I send the smell of smoldering wigs and toasted body odor into their clothes, hair, and faces.

It would be unfair to myself to feel self-conscious about this. I'm in a smoking section, and it's within my rights! Remember, we smokers are still the favored restaurant customers. We're less insistent, because we've got an appetite suppressant hanging out of our mouths. Also, they really appreciate the way some of us tip with loose cigarettes, since we know that every server out there smokes too.

There's many subtle ways to let the non-smokers know that we're still in control. Up to 80% of taste is smell. So it's your duty to light one the moment that a customer next to you at the bar or nearby table is served a delicious meal, or a tasty, expensive drink. As they eat and drink, they'll realize that it all tastes like cigarette smoke. How's that fine brewski and steak? Ha! What do I care? I'm drinking a flavorless Bud Light!

Always smoke multiple cigarettes simultaneously when the table next to you is seated with children. My rule of thumbs is to enjoy one cigarette as usual, plus one additional cigarette for every kid at the table. Of course a family might be seated away from you in a non-smoking area. Consider it a challenge to blow your smoke over into their section, or to simply "fishbowl" the smoking area to the point that the smoke will inevitably drift into the non-smoking area.

Remember to always walk into an place smoking, and to walk out of a place smoking. Be sure to leave one smoldering in the ashtray whenever you are speaking, sipping, visiting the restroom, or heading across the room to chat with friends. Everyone will start to associate you with liberty, and cheap, pungent smoke!

If some inconsiderate non-smoking server fails to bring you an ashtray after your meal, go ahead and put the butt out on your plate. Repeat as often as possible, and don't leave a tip. This is just one more way us smokers can draw the line!

Finally, there's the bar/concert venue. Many new venues are non-smoking, which is wrong. But for those that are left, I encourage you to go. Blow your smoke into the hair of the people in front of you, and "accidentally" burn someones elbow on occasion. Leave a pile of 30 or more butts at your feet for the venue's employees to sweep up. It's also nice to flick a couple at the band, to show that you appreciate their efforts.

We all know that rights can be lost forever if we don't exercise them. If we smokers can truly band together and take back our rights, we'll be back to smoking in the bank, the Kmart, and dentist's chair in no time! Patriots, unite!

It's my choice to have a skinny baby!

If our secretary doesn't watch her mouth it's gonna get slapped! Today she called me out in front of two other people about my smoking. I knew it was a mistake to tell my damn co-workers that I'm pregnant again. I took a break for a smoke at 8:45. I swear, as soon as I walked in from my break that bitch was running her mouth.

She was going on and on about how I was smoking when I pulled my car into the lot this morning, and how I had another one at the smoker's tent before going inside to punch in for my shift at 8. Well I'm sorry, but with the mental stress and morning sickness, I need a goddamn cigarette! What I don't need is some judgemental bitch running her mouth at me about it!

Then the others started getting on me about it, like that ho Shirl, who thought she would add that smoking causes low birth weight. Well you know what, bitch? I already knew that! How do you think I've kept my figure after having 3 kids? I have skinny babies, that's how!

I didn't tell them this, but I drink during pregnancy too! You should come by our community pool sometime. Thanks to their webbed toes, my kids can swim like a motherfucka!

You know, the only downside to smoking during pregnancy is that the babies are all angry with nic fits after they're born. I wish to god they'd make a nicotine patch for infants!

Quit ridin' my tail!

Have you all noticed how road rage is all too common around here? Sometimes when I’m driving my ex-husbands Mercury Cougar down I-64 I see the rudest drivers you could imagine.

If you know me, then you know that I always keep to the fast lane. There’s less activity there and I don’t want to get in an accident. I can’t deal with all that merging and other nonsense when I’m trying to drive and use my phone. Those two right lanes start to slow down occasionally, and I don’t need that. But then I get these people coming too close up behind me, and they’re flashing their headlights at me and whatever. You know what I’m talking about.

Look, y’all, I’m going the speed limit, just like all the cars next to us, so don’t blame me! I look in my rear view mirror and see their hand motions and ugly expressions, like they want me to get out of the way. I pay my taxes, and I’ll drive in whatever lane I want! When they get too close I’ll even resort to tapping my breaks and waving my finger so they can see it through my rear window. You wouldn’t believe the looks I get when they get their chance to pass me on the right! You bastards shouldn’t be speeding anyway! I’m doing you a favor, and saving you from getting a ticket! I swear, y’all need some damn house training!

Activia is fuel for a powerful woman's movement!

I gotta say, Jamie Lee was right!

Activia has a very happy ending!



It's a very loooooooong ending, too!

before


after


Every time I flush it's like a spirograph in there!

I'll stop now, before I say something nasty!