Exercise your right to smoke!

It's time for us smokers to really take a stand, and start exercising the few remaining rights we have. I remember as a girl, my dad could chain-smoke while grocery shopping, sitting though an hour-long flight, or even pumping gas. He could even flick lit butts out of the window in the middle of Autumn! These days, the options are limited for Virginia smokers (and they call this a tobacco state!)

Of course we can generally smoke outside as long as it isn't near flammable fumes, but what fun is that? I prefer the glamour of enjoying a nice long generic cigarette in a closed public setting. There's nothing more satisfying than walking into a bar full of folks who aren't smoking and whipping out a pack of "Basics" for all to see. It's empowering to watch the other patron's expressions change as I send the smell of smoldering wigs and toasted body odor into their clothes, hair, and faces.

It would be unfair to myself to feel self-conscious about this. I'm in a smoking section, and it's within my rights! Remember, we smokers are still the favored restaurant customers. We're less insistent, because we've got an appetite suppressant hanging out of our mouths. Also, they really appreciate the way some of us tip with loose cigarettes, since we know that every server out there smokes too.

There's many subtle ways to let the non-smokers know that we're still in control. Up to 80% of taste is smell. So it's your duty to light one the moment that a customer next to you at the bar or nearby table is served a delicious meal, or a tasty, expensive drink. As they eat and drink, they'll realize that it all tastes like cigarette smoke. How's that fine brewski and steak? Ha! What do I care? I'm drinking a flavorless Bud Light!

Always smoke multiple cigarettes simultaneously when the table next to you is seated with children. My rule of thumbs is to enjoy one cigarette as usual, plus one additional cigarette for every kid at the table. Of course a family might be seated away from you in a non-smoking area. Consider it a challenge to blow your smoke over into their section, or to simply "fishbowl" the smoking area to the point that the smoke will inevitably drift into the non-smoking area.

Remember to always walk into an place smoking, and to walk out of a place smoking. Be sure to leave one smoldering in the ashtray whenever you are speaking, sipping, visiting the restroom, or heading across the room to chat with friends. Everyone will start to associate you with liberty, and cheap, pungent smoke!

If some inconsiderate non-smoking server fails to bring you an ashtray after your meal, go ahead and put the butt out on your plate. Repeat as often as possible, and don't leave a tip. This is just one more way us smokers can draw the line!

Finally, there's the bar/concert venue. Many new venues are non-smoking, which is wrong. But for those that are left, I encourage you to go. Blow your smoke into the hair of the people in front of you, and "accidentally" burn someones elbow on occasion. Leave a pile of 30 or more butts at your feet for the venue's employees to sweep up. It's also nice to flick a couple at the band, to show that you appreciate their efforts.

We all know that rights can be lost forever if we don't exercise them. If we smokers can truly band together and take back our rights, we'll be back to smoking in the bank, the Kmart, and dentist's chair in no time! Patriots, unite!

It's my choice to have a skinny baby!

If our secretary doesn't watch her mouth it's gonna get slapped! Today she called me out in front of two other people about my smoking. I knew it was a mistake to tell my damn co-workers that I'm pregnant again. I took a break for a smoke at 8:45. I swear, as soon as I walked in from my break that bitch was running her mouth.

She was going on and on about how I was smoking when I pulled my car into the lot this morning, and how I had another one at the smoker's tent before going inside to punch in for my shift at 8. Well I'm sorry, but with the mental stress and morning sickness, I need a goddamn cigarette! What I don't need is some judgemental bitch running her mouth at me about it!

Then the others started getting on me about it, like that ho Shirl, who thought she would add that smoking causes low birth weight. Well you know what, bitch? I already knew that! How do you think I've kept my figure after having 3 kids? I have skinny babies, that's how!

I didn't tell them this, but I drink during pregnancy too! You should come by our community pool sometime. Thanks to their webbed toes, my kids can swim like a motherfucka!

You know, the only downside to smoking during pregnancy is that the babies are all angry with nic fits after they're born. I wish to god they'd make a nicotine patch for infants!