As a married woman and mother of four, you'd probably expect me to support the current state of marijuana laws. It may surprise you to learn that I'm a regular marijuana smoker. Knowing that, you may expect me to be pro-legalization. Once again, you'd be wrong. I'm firmly against the legalization of marijuana. But unlike most folks on my side of the argument, I have solid reasons for taking this stance.
For one thing, my cousins are prison guards. Their job security depends on constant prison overcrowding. They also make good money supplying marijuana to certain prisoners. And it's understood that most drug convicts make excellent prison bitches for the truly violent offenders. Simply put, legalization would put our nation's fragile prison economy at risk!
That's just the start. Think about how illegal drugs give our law enforcement a valuable tool in arresting minorities when need be. Additionally, legalizing marijuana would strip our state police departments of their ability to seize and auction off the homes and cars of anyone carrying more than a half ounce of marijuana. You think taxes on decriminalized marijuana could make up the loss? Think again!
Another drawback of legalization is that everyone who is now drug free will probably start smoking the day it's all legalized. This is particularly troublesome because these newbs will start freaking out. School buses will be crashing left and right, companies will fold under a weight of too many sick days, and folks will stop taking themselves so seriously. That's pretty much what happened before the fall of Rome!
Even if we can look past the threat to our adult population, we must consider the children. Once legally regulated, marijuana will be as hard for kids to buy as alcohol is now. So you've got to wonder about what they'll go for next. Freon huffing? Suppository abuse? Free-based jenkem? By the time we know what the next thing is they'll already be hooked!
Of course our more enterprising young people won't be able to focus on their studies, because that $200 per night profit from dealing drugs will be gone. Rather than just selling a few bags on a Friday night, these once promising young students would be forced to spend 12-16 of their best hours per week in low paying fast food or grocery bagging jobs. Parents can kiss those straight "A" report cards goodbye!
So as you compose that letter to your representatives in congress, begging them to legalize pot, prepare yourself for the bleak future that follows. Today's drug mafia leaders will become tomorrows high-paid consultants for major corporations. They'll be deliberately tainting our marijuana supplies with addictive carcinogens, much the same way tobacco and soft drinks are tainted today. Sure, you're laughing now. You won't be laughing when the blood's flying, and you're screaming!
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Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label politics. Show all posts
Friday, April 3
Tuesday, March 17
Blame the teachers!
I'm just a typical parent. I work all day, and I send my children to public school. They call it a free education, but it's not. I'm always being asked to shell out money for lunches, field trips, you name it. It also takes a good amount of effort to get them out the door on time for the bus each morning. So forgive me, but I just can't understand why my kids don't know shit!
Kids these days don't know how to cook, behave in public, clean a wound, take care of their pets, or tie their shoes. They lack motivation and discipline. As soon as they get home they turn on the children's cable TV channels and watch until they get tired enough to go to bed. Just once I'd like to see my kids doing something worthwhile!
Another thing is that my kids aren't very well behaved. Don't schools still teach moral lessons on things like not lying and not hurting animals? If they are then it's not working! My kids lie right to my goddamn face. They throw rocks at chipmunks. And any time I turn my back they either break something or hurt themselves. Why don't they teach them to keep their hands to themselves?
To me, the clearest sign of our failing schools is how my kids sometimes act up. It's obvious to me that they're not getting enough attention from their teachers. They just love to piss me off by climbing all over the furniture and smudging up the walls. Don't they get enough of that all day at school? I wonder!
On top of it all, these teachers still try to pass their jobs off on us parents. They send home sign off sheets for homework and stuff. They guilt us into joining PTA groups, then shut us down when we tell them how to do their jobs. But if you back off and become less involved they'll accuse you of being bad parents. They seem to think we're the only ones to blame for the failures of our children. It just goes to show how out of touch they are.
Kids these days don't know how to cook, behave in public, clean a wound, take care of their pets, or tie their shoes. They lack motivation and discipline. As soon as they get home they turn on the children's cable TV channels and watch until they get tired enough to go to bed. Just once I'd like to see my kids doing something worthwhile!
Another thing is that my kids aren't very well behaved. Don't schools still teach moral lessons on things like not lying and not hurting animals? If they are then it's not working! My kids lie right to my goddamn face. They throw rocks at chipmunks. And any time I turn my back they either break something or hurt themselves. Why don't they teach them to keep their hands to themselves?
To me, the clearest sign of our failing schools is how my kids sometimes act up. It's obvious to me that they're not getting enough attention from their teachers. They just love to piss me off by climbing all over the furniture and smudging up the walls. Don't they get enough of that all day at school? I wonder!
On top of it all, these teachers still try to pass their jobs off on us parents. They send home sign off sheets for homework and stuff. They guilt us into joining PTA groups, then shut us down when we tell them how to do their jobs. But if you back off and become less involved they'll accuse you of being bad parents. They seem to think we're the only ones to blame for the failures of our children. It just goes to show how out of touch they are.
Friday, February 13
America must return to greatness!
It's time, folks. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America! It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer (If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!).
We gotta take bold steps, like turn our backs on creamed corn, and anything equally as yucky. Rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.
It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress. Boycott unentertaining telethons right out of existence. And outfit our soldiers with huge, intimidating scissor hands!
As one people, with one common goal, we must yank the tick of inequality from Lady Liberty's greasy, matted fur. Disassemble all the SUVs, and turn them into gas/electric mopeds. Make poolside horse-play a felony. Capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin.
Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good.
Tuesday, January 20
Let's annoy conservatives!
Conservatives, for the most part, are taking this presidency change well. They've shown restraint, patience, and even a touch of class. Now that America is united once more, it's time for us to piss all over these stupid bastards! So I've thought up a few clever ideas for establishing our liberal dominance once again!
A good way to start is with their families. Use your access as a teacher or babysitter to teach their kids to talk like rappers and intellectuals. Convince their daughter to try lesbianism, communism, or single motherhood. Laugh at their son because he sucks at basketball. If possible, document and report on the youthful indiscretions of their entire family.
The conservatives I know work hard for what they've got. So they'll hate it when you vandalize things in the planned suburban development where they live. Or when you drink up all their delicious cranberry juice. Or throw runny chili all over their nice clean khaki pants. You can add insult to injury by scratching the hell out of their Bonneville with an SOS pad.
Sooner or later, these fools will begin to bitch about things that happen during the Obama presidency. When they do, remind them how this country was founded by liberals and drunks. Accuse them of being anti-American traitors. Tell them to leave if they don't like it, or better yet, to go start their own country.
At that point we should turn the screws. Take away their guns, booze, and softcore pornography. Appoint Marion Barry to the position of Drug Czar. Put gays in charge of the military. Bitch-slap Pat Robertson until his head implodes. Produce a prime time documentary which proves that stem cells could have been used to cure the ills of their heroes, Heston and Reagan.
The most important way to get at them is to punish them for the crimes of their political affiliation. So take the time to explain to them how their beliefs are ignorant and false. Install a dope garden in their basement and report them to the Feds. Dose them with LSD & force them to look right in the face of the cold, shallow life that they've led. Then break their voting hand with a meat tenderizing mallet.
.
A good way to start is with their families. Use your access as a teacher or babysitter to teach their kids to talk like rappers and intellectuals. Convince their daughter to try lesbianism, communism, or single motherhood. Laugh at their son because he sucks at basketball. If possible, document and report on the youthful indiscretions of their entire family.
The conservatives I know work hard for what they've got. So they'll hate it when you vandalize things in the planned suburban development where they live. Or when you drink up all their delicious cranberry juice. Or throw runny chili all over their nice clean khaki pants. You can add insult to injury by scratching the hell out of their Bonneville with an SOS pad.
Sooner or later, these fools will begin to bitch about things that happen during the Obama presidency. When they do, remind them how this country was founded by liberals and drunks. Accuse them of being anti-American traitors. Tell them to leave if they don't like it, or better yet, to go start their own country.
At that point we should turn the screws. Take away their guns, booze, and softcore pornography. Appoint Marion Barry to the position of Drug Czar. Put gays in charge of the military. Bitch-slap Pat Robertson until his head implodes. Produce a prime time documentary which proves that stem cells could have been used to cure the ills of their heroes, Heston and Reagan.
The most important way to get at them is to punish them for the crimes of their political affiliation. So take the time to explain to them how their beliefs are ignorant and false. Install a dope garden in their basement and report them to the Feds. Dose them with LSD & force them to look right in the face of the cold, shallow life that they've led. Then break their voting hand with a meat tenderizing mallet.
.
Wednesday, November 5
Takin' a pot shot!
I'd like to start today's post with a big fat "Thanks for nothing!" to all you jerks for not doing a write-in for Hillary yesterday like we agreed! Now we're stuck with this Obama character. Yeah, maybe his inspiring words remind people all over the world about all the great things that America stands for. But so what? What do I get out of that?
I'm sorry, but I have very little confidence that his plans for redistributing wealth are going to work out as well as the Republicans have promised. And tax breaks only benefit those who actually pay their taxes. So forgive me if I reserve my celebrating for when I receive my first big fat socialist money redistribution check!
Aside from standing in the rain for an hour and a half just to throw my vote away, something else happened yesterday which forced me to take a stand for my rights in a more direct way. Y'all know I don't ask for much, but I do demand a little peace and quiet while I use the toilet. This is my "me" time, where I meditate, and get away from the stupid slags in my office.
There are only two stalls in the restroom I use, which is down in the building's main hallway. There's the handicapped accessible stall (that's the one I like), and there's the one regular stall next to it. In order to maintain my privacy, I usually pull the door shut on the regular stall before going into the other, so it looks like they're both occupied.
Usually this setup works beautifully. But yesterday some bitch came in there in a hurry while I was wiping (and playing Solitaire on my iPod). She checked both stall doors, pulled the second door free, and made her way inside and onto the seat. Not only was I aggravated by having my privacy disturbed, but this person didn't even give me time to get up out of there before letting loose with what sounded like a broken garbage bag full of Brunswick stew.
I decided that this ho had to be made an example of. So I put my iPod into my purse, pulled my pants up, and prepared a little surprise. I wadded up a giant ball of toilet paper and sanitary seat covers, dipped it all the way into the toilet, and tossed it over the wall of the stall. As she screamed with surprise, I leaped out of my stall, flipped off the light, and ran down the hall back to my company's office. I must say, it felt damn good to stand up for myself!
I'm sorry, but I have very little confidence that his plans for redistributing wealth are going to work out as well as the Republicans have promised. And tax breaks only benefit those who actually pay their taxes. So forgive me if I reserve my celebrating for when I receive my first big fat socialist money redistribution check!
Aside from standing in the rain for an hour and a half just to throw my vote away, something else happened yesterday which forced me to take a stand for my rights in a more direct way. Y'all know I don't ask for much, but I do demand a little peace and quiet while I use the toilet. This is my "me" time, where I meditate, and get away from the stupid slags in my office.
There are only two stalls in the restroom I use, which is down in the building's main hallway. There's the handicapped accessible stall (that's the one I like), and there's the one regular stall next to it. In order to maintain my privacy, I usually pull the door shut on the regular stall before going into the other, so it looks like they're both occupied.
Usually this setup works beautifully. But yesterday some bitch came in there in a hurry while I was wiping (and playing Solitaire on my iPod). She checked both stall doors, pulled the second door free, and made her way inside and onto the seat. Not only was I aggravated by having my privacy disturbed, but this person didn't even give me time to get up out of there before letting loose with what sounded like a broken garbage bag full of Brunswick stew.
I decided that this ho had to be made an example of. So I put my iPod into my purse, pulled my pants up, and prepared a little surprise. I wadded up a giant ball of toilet paper and sanitary seat covers, dipped it all the way into the toilet, and tossed it over the wall of the stall. As she screamed with surprise, I leaped out of my stall, flipped off the light, and ran down the hall back to my company's office. I must say, it felt damn good to stand up for myself!
Wednesday, August 27
I think she speaks for all of us!
Now here's a true patriot. Another graceful woman for Hillary! I almost cried when I watched this!
I hate to say it, but Hillary really let us women down by losing to Obama! Luckily there are still strong women out here with the class to stand up and shout about it!
I'm just glad that the press is starting to take notice! (new window)
I hate to say it, but Hillary really let us women down by losing to Obama! Luckily there are still strong women out here with the class to stand up and shout about it!
I'm just glad that the press is starting to take notice! (new window)
Friday, August 22
Support our troops!
Now I'm gonna give you all a lesson you surely need. A lesson in supporting our troops! Follow my foolproof plan, and you too can call yourself a "patriotic American"!
Step 1 - Show off your support
You really need to slap a few more of those yellow ribbon magnets on your truck or SUV. You're also gonna want to put a yellow ribbon around a tree in your yard. And a true patriot knows how to get they flag on: magnets, t-shirts, and all that. In the South you may substitute with a rebel flag.
Step 2 - Let 'em know
Nothing impresses our young soldiers more than when you stop them in an airport, or interrupt them while they're eating to tell them how much you appreciate them. Perhaps you could get on a loudspeaker or something and get everyone around to start clapping.
Step 3 - Care packages
Our finest young men and women are currently serving in some of the shittiest war conditions of all time. They're sure to get lonely in that drugless, pussyless land of Muslims and sand. Relieve the suffering by sending them a care package of comforting items, such as smokes, liquor, pills, and all the used pornography you can collect from your local community. They'd also appreciate lots of those DVDs that are sold for $3.99 in the Kmart bargain bin.
Step 4 - Punch a hippie in the face
America's troops don't always get the rest they need. They'd sleep a hell of a lot better if they were safe in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, a hippie was getting sucker punched in the face. They'll have extra sweet dreams if you also take the time to kick that hippie in the stomach until there's blood in his stool.
Step 5 - Keep things cool on the home front
The families of soldiers are their support system, which means that their needs are important too. So do your part by keeping a soldier's husband or wife warm at night. Send them pictures from home of you showing their spouse a good time. Maybe send them a fun picture of you with their kid sitting on your shoulders. It will be a relief for them to know that someone is taking care of things while they're away.
These steps are, admittedly, the very least you could do!
Feel free to comment with your own ideas for helping America's bravest.
Step 1 - Show off your support
You really need to slap a few more of those yellow ribbon magnets on your truck or SUV. You're also gonna want to put a yellow ribbon around a tree in your yard. And a true patriot knows how to get they flag on: magnets, t-shirts, and all that. In the South you may substitute with a rebel flag.
Step 2 - Let 'em know
Nothing impresses our young soldiers more than when you stop them in an airport, or interrupt them while they're eating to tell them how much you appreciate them. Perhaps you could get on a loudspeaker or something and get everyone around to start clapping.
Step 3 - Care packages
Our finest young men and women are currently serving in some of the shittiest war conditions of all time. They're sure to get lonely in that drugless, pussyless land of Muslims and sand. Relieve the suffering by sending them a care package of comforting items, such as smokes, liquor, pills, and all the used pornography you can collect from your local community. They'd also appreciate lots of those DVDs that are sold for $3.99 in the Kmart bargain bin.
Step 4 - Punch a hippie in the face
America's troops don't always get the rest they need. They'd sleep a hell of a lot better if they were safe in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, a hippie was getting sucker punched in the face. They'll have extra sweet dreams if you also take the time to kick that hippie in the stomach until there's blood in his stool.
Step 5 - Keep things cool on the home front
The families of soldiers are their support system, which means that their needs are important too. So do your part by keeping a soldier's husband or wife warm at night. Send them pictures from home of you showing their spouse a good time. Maybe send them a fun picture of you with their kid sitting on your shoulders. It will be a relief for them to know that someone is taking care of things while they're away.
These steps are, admittedly, the very least you could do!
Feel free to comment with your own ideas for helping America's bravest.
Sunday, June 22
Exercise your right to smoke!
It's time for us smokers to really take a stand, and start exercising the few remaining rights we have. I remember as a girl, my dad could chain-smoke while grocery shopping, sitting though an hour-long flight, or even pumping gas. He could even flick lit butts out of the window in the middle of Autumn! These days, the options are limited for Virginia smokers (and they call this a tobacco state!)
Of course we can generally smoke outside as long as it isn't near flammable fumes, but what fun is that? I prefer the glamour of enjoying a nice long generic cigarette in a closed public setting. There's nothing more satisfying than walking into a bar full of folks who aren't smoking and whipping out a pack of "Basics" for all to see. It's empowering to watch the other patron's expressions change as I send the smell of smoldering wigs and toasted body odor into their clothes, hair, and faces.
It would be unfair to myself to feel self-conscious about this. I'm in a smoking section, and it's within my rights! Remember, we smokers are still the favored restaurant customers. We're less insistent, because we've got an appetite suppressant hanging out of our mouths. Also, they really appreciate the way some of us tip with loose cigarettes, since we know that every server out there smokes too.
There's many subtle ways to let the non-smokers know that we're still in control. Up to 80% of taste is smell. So it's your duty to light one the moment that a customer next to you at the bar or nearby table is served a delicious meal, or a tasty, expensive drink. As they eat and drink, they'll realize that it all tastes like cigarette smoke. How's that fine brewski and steak? Ha! What do I care? I'm drinking a flavorless Bud Light!
Always smoke multiple cigarettes simultaneously when the table next to you is seated with children. My rule of thumbs is to enjoy one cigarette as usual, plus one additional cigarette for every kid at the table. Of course a family might be seated away from you in a non-smoking area. Consider it a challenge to blow your smoke over into their section, or to simply "fishbowl" the smoking area to the point that the smoke will inevitably drift into the non-smoking area.
Remember to always walk into an place smoking, and to walk out of a place smoking. Be sure to leave one smoldering in the ashtray whenever you are speaking, sipping, visiting the restroom, or heading across the room to chat with friends. Everyone will start to associate you with liberty, and cheap, pungent smoke!
If some inconsiderate non-smoking server fails to bring you an ashtray after your meal, go ahead and put the butt out on your plate. Repeat as often as possible, and don't leave a tip. This is just one more way us smokers can draw the line!
Finally, there's the bar/concert venue. Many new venues are non-smoking, which is wrong. But for those that are left, I encourage you to go. Blow your smoke into the hair of the people in front of you, and "accidentally" burn someones elbow on occasion. Leave a pile of 30 or more butts at your feet for the venue's employees to sweep up. It's also nice to flick a couple at the band, to show that you appreciate their efforts.
We all know that rights can be lost forever if we don't exercise them. If we smokers can truly band together and take back our rights, we'll be back to smoking in the bank, the Kmart, and dentist's chair in no time! Patriots, unite!
Of course we can generally smoke outside as long as it isn't near flammable fumes, but what fun is that? I prefer the glamour of enjoying a nice long generic cigarette in a closed public setting. There's nothing more satisfying than walking into a bar full of folks who aren't smoking and whipping out a pack of "Basics" for all to see. It's empowering to watch the other patron's expressions change as I send the smell of smoldering wigs and toasted body odor into their clothes, hair, and faces.
It would be unfair to myself to feel self-conscious about this. I'm in a smoking section, and it's within my rights! Remember, we smokers are still the favored restaurant customers. We're less insistent, because we've got an appetite suppressant hanging out of our mouths. Also, they really appreciate the way some of us tip with loose cigarettes, since we know that every server out there smokes too.
There's many subtle ways to let the non-smokers know that we're still in control. Up to 80% of taste is smell. So it's your duty to light one the moment that a customer next to you at the bar or nearby table is served a delicious meal, or a tasty, expensive drink. As they eat and drink, they'll realize that it all tastes like cigarette smoke. How's that fine brewski and steak? Ha! What do I care? I'm drinking a flavorless Bud Light!
Always smoke multiple cigarettes simultaneously when the table next to you is seated with children. My rule of thumbs is to enjoy one cigarette as usual, plus one additional cigarette for every kid at the table. Of course a family might be seated away from you in a non-smoking area. Consider it a challenge to blow your smoke over into their section, or to simply "fishbowl" the smoking area to the point that the smoke will inevitably drift into the non-smoking area.
Remember to always walk into an place smoking, and to walk out of a place smoking. Be sure to leave one smoldering in the ashtray whenever you are speaking, sipping, visiting the restroom, or heading across the room to chat with friends. Everyone will start to associate you with liberty, and cheap, pungent smoke!
If some inconsiderate non-smoking server fails to bring you an ashtray after your meal, go ahead and put the butt out on your plate. Repeat as often as possible, and don't leave a tip. This is just one more way us smokers can draw the line!
Finally, there's the bar/concert venue. Many new venues are non-smoking, which is wrong. But for those that are left, I encourage you to go. Blow your smoke into the hair of the people in front of you, and "accidentally" burn someones elbow on occasion. Leave a pile of 30 or more butts at your feet for the venue's employees to sweep up. It's also nice to flick a couple at the band, to show that you appreciate their efforts.
We all know that rights can be lost forever if we don't exercise them. If we smokers can truly band together and take back our rights, we'll be back to smoking in the bank, the Kmart, and dentist's chair in no time! Patriots, unite!
Monday, June 16
Oh haaaaaaaaail no!
I'm a strong woman for the Hillary Clinton campaign! I can't stand all this pro-Obama foolishness! I did like what Obama had to say recently about black fathers. I just hope he doesn't tell us mothers how to raise our kids!
Anyway, here's a video from local Obama supporter and fool Jerome Henderson.
Anyway, here's a video from local Obama supporter and fool Jerome Henderson.
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