Friday, August 22

Support our troops!

Now I'm gonna give you all a lesson you surely need. A lesson in supporting our troops! Follow my foolproof plan, and you too can call yourself a "patriotic American"!

Step 1 - Show off your support

You really need to slap a few more of those yellow ribbon magnets on your truck or SUV. You're also gonna want to put a yellow ribbon around a tree in your yard. And a true patriot knows how to get they flag on: magnets, t-shirts, and all that. In the South you may substitute with a rebel flag.

Step 2 - Let 'em know

Nothing impresses our young soldiers more than when you stop them in an airport, or interrupt them while they're eating to tell them how much you appreciate them. Perhaps you could get on a loudspeaker or something and get everyone around to start clapping.

Step 3 - Care packages

Our finest young men and women are currently serving in some of the shittiest war conditions of all time. They're sure to get lonely in that drugless, pussyless land of Muslims and sand. Relieve the suffering by sending them a care package of comforting items, such as smokes, liquor, pills, and all the used pornography you can collect from your local community. They'd also appreciate lots of those DVDs that are sold for $3.99 in the Kmart bargain bin.

Step 4 - Punch a hippie in the face

America's troops don't always get the rest they need. They'd sleep a hell of a lot better if they were safe in the knowledge that somewhere, somehow, a hippie was getting sucker punched in the face. They'll have extra sweet dreams if you also take the time to kick that hippie in the stomach until there's blood in his stool.

Step 5 - Keep things cool on the home front

The families of soldiers are their support system, which means that their needs are important too. So do your part by keeping a soldier's husband or wife warm at night. Send them pictures from home of you showing their spouse a good time. Maybe send them a fun picture of you with their kid sitting on your shoulders. It will be a relief for them to know that someone is taking care of things while they're away.

These steps are, admittedly, the very least you could do!

Feel free to comment with your own ideas for helping America's bravest.


Eric Greer said...

I personally have executed this entire process to it's fullest.

Anonymous said...

Incitement to commit grievous bodily harm is a very serious criminal offence. Unless you are spectacularly retarded (which appears likely given your remarks) you might want to think about removing the aforementioned remarks and posting a retraction/apology before you find yourself in a prison cell.
You seem equally deserving of a good kicking - people in glass houses &tc...

Josh said...

Sorry to say it, but yeah -recommending that to be patriotic you should punch an undeserving person could land you in some legal poo-poo.
I didn't mind most of the article but how does sticking up a yellow ribbon have ANY impact on supporting troops? It seems like they would rather some other supplies, or to maybe come home?

patriot said...

Loved the article, I would like to add that you can additionally support our troops by kicking "anonymous" and "josh" in the nuts.

Anonymous said...

Punch the hippy, life's too short to worry about all that legal crap

Brian said...

I can take care of step 5. any lonely military wives reading Jocelyn's corner???

Anonymouse said...

PATRIOT: "support our troops by kicking 'anonymous' and 'josh' in the nuts."

"so how does that help ?"

"well, for starters,
it makes me feel a helluva lot better.."

Anonymous said...

if people weren't stupid enough to join armies there would be no wars. This is bullshit. They aren't heros they are meatheads. There is nothing honourable about the wars in iraq and afghanistan.

Anonymous said...

I'd totally bone the missus of any dead soldier. Peace out y'all, I'm banging me some widow pussy!

clearlyunwell said...

Superb recommendations :)