Friday, February 13

America must return to greatness!



It's time, folks. It's time to roll up our sleeves, slip on our stretchy "USA" sweat wristbands, and get back to work on this little project we call America! It's time to clean all that dog snot off our cars' rear passenger windows. Define telemarketing as a form of terrorism. And lock the kids out of the house for the entire summer (If those brats get thirsty they can drink from the hose!).

We gotta take bold steps, like turn our backs on creamed corn, and anything equally as yucky. Rename "French fries" as "Early stroke fries". Legalize THC to maximize our paranoia level. Wear a thong to church to be closer to God. And deliberately mess with Texas, after having been repeatedly warned.

It's time to develop a genre of gay rap music. Help the homeless, or admit that we can't, and execute them. Win the race to develop the world's first scabies-proof mattress. Boycott unentertaining telethons right out of existence. And outfit our soldiers with huge, intimidating scissor hands!

As one people, with one common goal, we must yank the tick of inequality from Lady Liberty's greasy, matted fur. Disassemble all the SUVs, and turn them into gas/electric mopeds. Make poolside horse-play a felony. Capture Bill O'Reilly alive, and seal him inside of an unventilated see-through coffin.

Then we're gonna have a Pabst. And it's gonna be good.

10 comments:

Anonymous said...

im so honored to be your first comment! wow jocelyn you amaze me on a daily basis with your patriotism!
we need more devoted Americans like you in politics the world would be such a better better place for our children and their children and for their childrens childrens. you give the down trotted americans hope for a new improvised life!

Anonymous said...

Are you going to follow Salma Hayek's example? That would be interesting..

smcdark said...

hells yeah

Anonymous said...

improved not improvised sorry i was just caught in the moment of your words.

Johnny said...

I approve, let's fix America! Jocelyn you're just the girl to get things started!

Flinthart said...

Long, rousing list there. But you left out "instigate a draft for Amway salesmen, to create a terrifying force of pyramid sales commandoes".

Imagine the damage these people could do, properly trained, if we turned them on the Iraqis, the Afghans -- or even those craven French batardes!

Anonymous said...

nice, so you are suggesting we take a rode trip to texas and spread candy wrappers and empty big gulps across the land.

That Makes Sense (tm).

Justin J. said...

PBR = Preferred Beer of Richmond!

Anonymous said...

Nice photo! I see you finally loosened up your new temp employee, and he likes the Pabst!

Anonymous said...

"And outfit our soldiers with huge, intimidating scissor hands!"
That was probably my favorite idea ever! We should also get some soldiers with flame-throwers for hands too!