Sunday, June 22

Exercise your right to smoke!

It's time for us smokers to really take a stand, and start exercising the few remaining rights we have. I remember as a girl, my dad could chain-smoke while grocery shopping, sitting though an hour-long flight, or even pumping gas. He could even flick lit butts out of the window in the middle of Autumn! These days, the options are limited for Virginia smokers (and they call this a tobacco state!)

Of course we can generally smoke outside as long as it isn't near flammable fumes, but what fun is that? I prefer the glamour of enjoying a nice long generic cigarette in a closed public setting. There's nothing more satisfying than walking into a bar full of folks who aren't smoking and whipping out a pack of "Basics" for all to see. It's empowering to watch the other patron's expressions change as I send the smell of smoldering wigs and toasted body odor into their clothes, hair, and faces.

It would be unfair to myself to feel self-conscious about this. I'm in a smoking section, and it's within my rights! Remember, we smokers are still the favored restaurant customers. We're less insistent, because we've got an appetite suppressant hanging out of our mouths. Also, they really appreciate the way some of us tip with loose cigarettes, since we know that every server out there smokes too.

There's many subtle ways to let the non-smokers know that we're still in control. Up to 80% of taste is smell. So it's your duty to light one the moment that a customer next to you at the bar or nearby table is served a delicious meal, or a tasty, expensive drink. As they eat and drink, they'll realize that it all tastes like cigarette smoke. How's that fine brewski and steak? Ha! What do I care? I'm drinking a flavorless Bud Light!

Always smoke multiple cigarettes simultaneously when the table next to you is seated with children. My rule of thumbs is to enjoy one cigarette as usual, plus one additional cigarette for every kid at the table. Of course a family might be seated away from you in a non-smoking area. Consider it a challenge to blow your smoke over into their section, or to simply "fishbowl" the smoking area to the point that the smoke will inevitably drift into the non-smoking area.

Remember to always walk into an place smoking, and to walk out of a place smoking. Be sure to leave one smoldering in the ashtray whenever you are speaking, sipping, visiting the restroom, or heading across the room to chat with friends. Everyone will start to associate you with liberty, and cheap, pungent smoke!

If some inconsiderate non-smoking server fails to bring you an ashtray after your meal, go ahead and put the butt out on your plate. Repeat as often as possible, and don't leave a tip. This is just one more way us smokers can draw the line!

Finally, there's the bar/concert venue. Many new venues are non-smoking, which is wrong. But for those that are left, I encourage you to go. Blow your smoke into the hair of the people in front of you, and "accidentally" burn someones elbow on occasion. Leave a pile of 30 or more butts at your feet for the venue's employees to sweep up. It's also nice to flick a couple at the band, to show that you appreciate their efforts.

We all know that rights can be lost forever if we don't exercise them. If we smokers can truly band together and take back our rights, we'll be back to smoking in the bank, the Kmart, and dentist's chair in no time! Patriots, unite!


Anonymous said...

your a idiot

Anonymous said...

What's wrong with you? You find it 'empowering' to make people stink of your smoke?

One word describes you perfectly: "asshole".

You're an asshole. Just an inconsiderate asshole. If I ever saw you in real life I would walk over to you, squat down, parse my cheeks and lay a big smelly fudge monkey right next to you, or perhaps on your clothes, hair or face.

I would feel so empowered.

Nawa said...

The people who disagree with your right to do what is perfectly legal are the ones to which such terms as "idiot" and "asshole" should be applied.

If a majority of the people wish an activity to be regulated then they should elect representatives who will introduce legislation to that effect.

Anonymous said...

I don't have a problem with you exercising yourright to smoke. It's your self-important, pretentious attitude that annoys me. I realize that you're going to read this and think I'm sooo amusing and dumb for "judging" you, which is hilarious, because you won't even, for a second, think that your abrasive, smug demeanopr is why people want nothing to do with you, not your cigarettes.
Plus, you hyphenated your last name to keep "Testes?" Really?

tony said...


Anonymous said...

rofl, troll'd/10

Michael said...

Fuck you. I hope lung cancer is slow and full filling.

Anonymous said...

Smokers Unite!!! gota love ya woman
You got more balls than a lot of men..

Rexx said...

I am truly amazed at the caustic replies from buttheads that wouldn't know irony if it kicked them in the crotch. Good job J.

/It was irony, right?
/please say yes/

Brian said...

Just this morning I was starting to regain some of my faith in humanity. Then I was linked to this post and the unflinchingly retarded comments.

Anonymous said...

I started smoking when I was twelve years old. I quit a year ago after I turned nineteen. It's a free country, I believe, and if you want to kill yourself in such a disgusting way, then fine. But how about we throw all of you smokers in a room together and see how long you last. There's people out there who are allergic to some of the smoke you're blowing their way. Kids who have asthma, you really want them to suffer through your stupidity? And not everyone hates their pathetic lives. If you hate yourself that much, then just go kill yourself. Don't put others through that shit.

Anonymous said...

You, Ms. Testes.. are the epitome of a white trash, trailor park hilljack. You are arrogant, selfish, toothless, and are blinded by your own jackassery. You are a fool for posting this.

Your father's generation is not a reasonable comparison to today's. Your father wakes up everyday throwing up his lungs and is sucking on an oxygen tank 24/7. If he'll die sooner so the world can be rid of him, by all means, enjoy that cancer stick you clown-ass degenerate.

If anyone ever acted as childish and immature as you do in restaurants, i would kindly take your cig and stick it right up your fat, cottage cheese-lookin' ass. Blow smoke into a non-smoking area in restaurants? At children? Good idea, idiot. Yes, I can see how you blowing smoke into childrens' faces as a means of justification because you cannot smoke in a restaurant (That was sarcasm. I knew you wouldn't be able to pick up on that since you never got out of grade school). You are a disgrace to humanity. Smoking is the most unattractive thing you can do, you dumb cunt.

I hope with all my heart you laugh at this, because when your time on MY earth is said and done at 60 with tubes up your nose, I'm gunna be the one breathing on my own when im 90.

You, ma'am, you are a total and complete piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha. I like it when I'm linked to this blog :)

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, as an ex-smoker I feel truly sorry for you - I believe when I was around 15 I felt about smoking as you do now (with the exception of blowing smoke to someone's face - I would not dare to go as low as blowing at children) - but a lots of things have happened since then - I grow up, I found God & with his help I was finally able to break free from this bad habit (it is also scientifically proven that smoking lessens your life & cause lung cancer - FYI just in case you didn't know).

So my hope is that you too can find your way to the Savior & break the chains of this horrible habit. All the best

Anonymous said...

I just have to comment on the pure awesome of "(That was sarcasm. I knew you wouldn't be able to pick up on that since you never got out of grade school)." a few comments up.

Just....that's the best thing I think I've ever seen.

Anonymous said...

you are confusing

jacob said...

This entire post was hilarious and I got a really good feeling from reading it. Please post more like it.

More stuff about kids, too.

Michael said...


I hope every smoker follows this.

It will make it sooo much easier to enact more laws to ban smoking.

I support your 'right' to smoke but also support others 'right' to breath.

Just one more note: I feel every smoker should have a 'shotgunner' for their very own. That way they can enjoy more of their cigarette and save a lot of money so they can pay their doctor bills.

Anonymous said...

I agree wit the tipping part. I'm a smoker and I know the struggle of people who work server jobs so I always tip them kindly( well over 25 %). But I my non smoking friends won't tip a god damn cent and will crizitize the food. I pissed off one who didn't tip because his virgin ass had 300 bucks in the bank and had bought wwe DVDs earlier that day but wouldn't tip a waitress who barely makes ends meet

ReMARKable4Real said...

sum1 had the nerve to say "your" an idiot, that may me lmfao

Anonymous said...

This makes me sad, because you are suggesting that smokers abuse the few establishments left who cater to your right to smoke. Blowing smoke into the non-smoking section (giving the restaurant a reason to disallow smoking), leaving 30 butts on the floor of smoking allowed bars, flicking your cigarettes at band members... Making life harder for the places trying to make it easier for you.

And it is disgraceful to blow the smoke at children intentionally... Why punish them for the stupid laws the grown ups are enacting on their behalf.

Don't get me wrong, I think legislation against cigarettes is wrong. You have every right to chose what risks you want to take and when. Every establishment should have the right to deny smoking on their own, as it is their property, and every person has the right to avoid places that do or do not allow smoking, based on their own preference.

But please. Don't make it harder for smokers than it is already, in the places that are still allowing it/allowed to allow it.

timinaz said...

But how about we throw all of you smokers in a room together and see how long you last.

I do this almost everyday when I go to the local Cigar Shop and smoke a few stogies with other like-minded "Brothers and Sisters of the leaf." Don't want to smell the smoke don't come in.

Anonymous said...

this is the greatest blog in the universe

Anonymous said...

you ignorant bitch.
what gives you the right to invade the privacy other surrounding citizens? There's nothing wrong with smoking in public, but it's not only rude but outright bitchy to smoke with the intent to disturb surrounding people with the disgusting stench of smoke.

Anonymous said...

Wow, people are stupid.