Wednesday, June 25

I'm just tryin' to get mines!

As we all know, the squealing sow gets the grease. I take advantage of that fact, and of the business principle that “the customer is always right”. I also just like to demean people while they're doing their jobs because I know I can get away with it. If I can unload on a total stranger without getting in trouble, and at the same time open up the possibility for some free shit, I’m gonna do it.

Step one is to get their attention, and there’s a real art to it. I’ll demand that a cashier honor my expired coupons. I’ll use the same cup all week to get refills at a fast food place. I’ll let my kids run around screaming and breaking things. And I’ll abuse a 100% satisfaction guarantee 100% of the time.

When the clerk or server gives me even the slightest attitude or resistance I immediately start in with the personal attacks. You'd think this would preclude me from getting anywhere with these businesses, but no. Nine times out of ten, when all is said and done, I get some certificates for free stuff, or a few items taken off my check. Same goes for charges on my phone bill, bank overdraft fees, you name it! Hell, one time I threw a tantrum at the post office just because they wouldn’t sell me any single lickable stamps.

This is my way of demanding the royal treatment. It’s nothing personal. The employees are just pawns in my game. They realize early on that they’re powerless to stop me, and they can’t even give me much in the way of free stuff anyway. All they can do is try to calm me down, take my abuse for as long as they can tolerate it, and try to hold the line.

The trick is to bring the situation to head early on, and before you know it you’ll be talking to a manager. Be calm when you speak to management, and completely misrepresent what just happened between you and the associate. They’ll be all apologies, and start offering you things just to shut you up, or as they put it, “to make up for your inconvenience”. The best luck is usually with chain restaurants and stores. Most small business owners do their own managing. Small businesses are often bleeding money as it is, so they’re cheap. They’re also dicks to unhappy customers because they tend to take every complaint about their business personally.

Earlier this month, after cashing my child support check, I decided to take the kids to a Mexican restaurant. My oldest ordered a plate of nachos, and the rest of us ordered combination platters. When we were getting near done eating I looked over our plates to see what I’d be able to get taken off the check. The nachos were eaten down to near the bottom of the plate, and I noticed that the heat and cheese had made some of the bottom chips soggy. I got these motherfuckas!

When the man came to offer us dessert I pointed out that my baby got soggy nachos, and that we would like that removed from the check. He said something about the nature of nacho plates, but I cut him short by loudly reminding him that I was not born yesterday. He began to open his mouth again, but I interrupted him before he started. I hit him with a one of my classic obscenity-laden insults. He glared for a moment, then stormed off silently to get the manager.

When the manager showed up I calmly told him that the waiter had brought us dirty glasses and silverware. I also told him that we had complained about the nachos as soon as they were served and that the waiter had done nothing. The manager was all apologies. He advised us that the nachos and our drinks would be taken off the bill. That worked for me, because those Cadillac margaritas were expensive!

We waited for the check after he walked away, and soon we could hear the waiter getting a stern talking-to at the back of the restaurant. The red-faced waiter then returned and silently tossed the check on the table and walked away. Was that so hard? It felt good to leave him a two dollar tip. He earned it by taking it like a man! Of course my kids got mad at me because I “always embarrass them in public”. They don’t realize what it takes to be a single mom these days.

73 comments:

Anonymous said...

you are a complete total bitch! i work in retail and absolutely LOATHE "customers" like yourself. why the hell cant fuckers like you follow the goddamn rules? is it because you suck at life and will never be able to afford anything at full price you cheap bitch!? no wonder your dumb ass is getting a child support check no one in his right mind would stick around your annoying ass, so enjoy your free shit bitch and food stamps you worthless bitch!

Anonymous said...

woow. bi*ch your garbage, and your children will suck at life if they take after you

Anonymous said...

That story give me a hard on !!1

Anonymous said...

So if you're a cunt and a liar you get free stuff. No thanks.

Now I at least know when to call security and have you escorted out.

Anonymous said...

roffles. you are a piece of shit. "the customer is always right"? okay. tell you what, i'll go into whatever store one of your family members works at and demand the highest priced item for free. because i'm right. because i'm the fucking customer. get it?

here let me spell it out for you in seven letters: fuck off.

you're stupid as hell. karma will bite you in the ass one day and you're going to die a miserable death. people like you are what's wrong with america. fat, ugly slobs like you. i hope you deserved getting one of your teeth knocked out. it was probably by your husband, who couldn't stand your shit for too long. i wouldn't doubt for one second that he's fucking an actual WOMAN on the side.

Anonymous said...

Pathetic. Absolutely pathetic. I worked in retail, and I never gave anything to people like you because people like you always believe they are entitled to something above and beyond what everybody else gets. The people I truly gave a good deal to were the ones that clearly were kind and were generally appreciative of my effort to serve them. With your attitude, you might need to fear that the next "Cadillac of alcoholic drinks" you have tastes funky because of the loogie that manager you mouthed off to honked into it.

Anonymous said...

Bitch... bitch... bitch...

Anonymous said...

You are a fat, ugly, busted ugly ass bitch. You are a piece of shit and a disgrace to the human race. Get a fucking life and quit being a cheap cunt! I wish death upon your family and hope that you witness your little asshole kids getting run over by an 18 wheeler. And I hope that you die an extremely slow, extremely painful death because you are that much a piece of shit cunt ass bitch

Anonymous said...

Thank God this wouldn't fly where I work. I've seen time and time again people try to pull what you pull and work their way up the chain of command where we are and they continually get the same "no" until eventually they leave. Trust me, we don't care if we lose your business, and we'll mock you after you leave as well for being a pretentious cock.

Anonymous said...

You sure are a purty woman, and you know how to get what you want! I love that. I think I loove you, to. Marry me. Please have my babbies!!

Anonymous said...

The only Losers are the ones who bitch about your behavior. Life is hard and we gots to get what we can.

Anonymous said...

Are angry simply because you are ugly or is it because you are trailer park trash?

Anonymous said...

you suck at life.

Anonymous said...

Gratz for playing the fucking "Single Mum" thing... maybe you'd have a husband if you didn't return him.

"Oh I've had the kids now... I can use them to get free stuff... ok, lets get rid of him, I'll get all his stuff when we divorce anyway, because he's leaving me all alone to look after these kids... although I asked him to go.

You're a douche, and someday, you'll die. I don't think many will miss you =] x

Chip said...

What total trailer trash. How cheap can you be and such a total cunt. Wow. I hope your kids don't turn out like you. I can totally understand why you are a single mom. Total cheapskate dried up cunt. Just unreal. Insulting people? I hope the people on Digg just unload on you.

Junaid said...

I don't want to use profanity or call you a 'b*tch' like the others already noted, but it must be said that you sure do act like one and you seem to wear that uniform with pride. It is actually quite shameful.

For the sake of your children, please stop this arrogant behavior and become a decent role model for them. Don't make them suffer. It is no excuse to behave like that just because you are a 'single mom'. If you can't afford to eat out at expensive restaurants, simply don't - just cook at home.

Everything in life has consequences and you are inviting alot of calamity and hardship upon yourself by living the way you do. If you mend your conduct now and try to make good in the future, you can avoid the woes which are headed your way.

This is a warning and a sincere piece of advice. I hope you will consider it.

Peace.

Anonymous said...

Good and bad are but names very readily transferable between that and this. The only good is what is after your constitution. The only bad is what is against it.

Whether or not this story is true is irrelevant. Whether or not this woman will ever become a valued member of society is also irrelevant; though before it even may be made relevant, the impossibility of deriving a valued member of society universally must be invented. No, all that matters is that this woman designed with earnest to a specific task. And, as this story explains, this woman successfully realized her agenda. This is greatness.

Anonymous said...

Please do try your tricks at the
dentist, as you really need to
get your teeth fixed.

Or did a waitress decide that she
had taken enough of your abuse?

Anonymous said...

You forgot to get them to pay for your gas! Better yet slip and fall right after eating all the food. Funny stuff biatch.

sirwillups said...

Wow, I would think that with all the swindling you do, you'd be able to swindle a good set of teeth. But I guess it's for the best because all that huge gap says to anyone is: "I'm white trash who doesn't deserve your respect or attention, feel bad for me because I will neer go anywhere in life". And I gotta say, it's dead on.

Anonymous said...

I've never condoned violence on women but congrats to your husband for fixing your teeth and I now know how someone could just up and leave their family. I'm not going to call you names because I don't think any of them would do you justice! :)

Surfer said...

This is why prices are so high. This is why people who work min. wage jobs feel so crappy about themselves and aren't better at customer service. This is why I pay more for my cheeseburger than I should. And if I EVER see anyone like you treat someone like that, you'd better believe I'm going to degrade you to the point that your children will cry because Mommy is crying. And yes, I've served people like you. The good news is that you play out everywhere you go after a few times. People get to know you. And then they treat you the way you act. And you ain't got no right to complain about it.

Anonymous said...

You're a bitch, but an awesome one! lol.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I used to looovvveee customers like you. I worked at a national car rental company at a small airport near the University of Illinois when I was in college there. I loved bitches like you. I didn't give a rats ass about my job, even though they'd back me up every time. I actually went out and personally put dog shit under the front seats stuffed way up into the seat frame so you'd never find it. I'd stare at your tits and lick my lips and sound like the retard in Slingblade. Oh man, I'd charge you 4 times whatever rate you thought you had and give you the shittiest car we had. I'd change how much gas the computer system thought the car had in it so you'd get charged $5 a gallon when you got back. For fun, I'd submit your name, address, phone number, and email address to every spam, porn, religious crap I could find. Man, I miss those days. I wish I didn't have a career now just so I could fuck with you again. Sigh.

Anonymous said...

A+++++++ would read again.

James said...

I love you, will you marry me? This is my favorite blog by far. I hope you get a job writing for MAD TV or something out of this!

Taylor said...

At this point in her life, this bitch will never realize she is in the wrong. All the rest of us can cool our nerves about people like this by knowing that karma is ALWAYS a bitch, and one day she will be enlightened to the fact that she is cancer to the earth. This cunt will get hers, hopefully 10 times harder than she gave it.

Anonymous said...

No wonder your husband left you. You are pure trash.

Sean Leslie said...

WHORE

Anonymous said...

...

wow these commenters are dumb.

Elizabeth said...

Damn people, she's just trying to get by and do right by her kids. How about some compassion!

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for you. I'm guessing you don't really like yourself too much, so you take it out on everyone else thinking "I'm just trying to get mines!". You will continue to have a bad life with an attitude like that, and your kids will suffer for it well into adulthood. And they will have bad lives. Nice way to pass on a legacy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the tips;

It's so goddem hard to find a good waiter or get a free lunch those days (the old stuff like glass in the food or wiping the silverware does not seem to work out too well anymore)

Anonymous said...

Your a piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

hahaha

you rule!

all these pissed off twats and their pathetic replies have had me laughing like a loon.

bring forth the vitriol!!

TiaHermanaMaggie said...

Deer Joss,

You are my heroin. I will always try to live upto to high standerds yu represant.

MaryLou Moonsucker

Daniel said...

So you drag your children along to witness you committing fraud by which they're repeatedly distressed, then post about it on a public forum? Lady, I think your single mom problems are going to be over soon!

Anonymous said...

You look so fine in your picture. Give me your number, we can bump and grind.

Anonymous said...

You are ugly. Get your teeth fixed. Well that wouldn't cure it but at least it would make you more tolerable.

Anonymous said...

this is what is wrong with our country today. we have low life trailor trash people like u, bring our econmicy down. with your f'in hand out always asking for free shit! it would suprise me that we probably dont have a job and are in welfare! we should just ship ppl like you over to mexico, and you could get the swine virus for FREE!!

Anonymous said...

fuck you, and please kill yourself.

Anonymous said...

wow you are the lowest piece of white trash I have ever heard of... you make me sick, not only by your hideous actions but your gap tooth smile. bitch please if you walked into my store and tried that shit i'd knock out your another one of your janky looking teeth.

Anonymous said...

You should try eating stuff and then saying that you didn't get the food when the bill comes. Or buying stuff on sale, then returning it after the sale without a receipt and demanding an exchange for the full amount. Don't hate the player, bitches.

Anonymous said...

The type color/background made this difficult to read. No tip for you.

Enjoyed reading this, highly amusing.

Anonymous said...

I have to say I'm shocked at the amount of people w/NO freakin sense of humor. Just shows what a witty gem u really are. Geeze people can't u see the funny in life? FR-i wanna party w/u. You're brilliant & should have your own tv show! I loves u,girlfern!keep stickin it to "the man"!

Cératitis said...

Dear Jocelyn

I do find this post slightly less witty than the few i already read (I discovered your blog yesterday night_ maybe something with the way this one is written. anyway, only my taste here), but...
Oh! My! God! Comments are never going to let me down! I'm pissing myself reading them!!!
You bring the best out of any one of us!!!

Thank You thank You thank You!

Anonymous said...

You are not "punk-rock" or "no-nonsense" or any other of the myriad of terms you use to self-deceive. You are just sad and pathetic. I'd feel sorry for you but I don't think you deserve it. What I say next I say in utter seriousness with no malice or anger (though it may not read that way): I...hope...you...die. The only thing worse than the fact that you exist is that I have now commented on your blog and, as a result, have shamed myself. Please give your kids to someone. I can't stand the thought of your influence existing multi-generationally.

Anonymous said...

Wow....what story...you have got to be one of the biggest trailer trash fat ladies I have ever seen! Why would anyone want to get with you? Exactly nobody would! Come to my place of business and try that shit...I will throw you out on your fat ass!!

Anonymous said...

lol. you're stupid

Anonymous said...

WOW! As a former server-that gave exceptional service, I have to say your post is full of ASSumptions.

Let me first start by how you ASSumed the servers were discussing you.

EGO MUCH? Maybe if you were a nicer person, they would have said, "wow, remember that lady? She was nice to serve"...bet your service would improve.

Second..still based on the above...how do you know they didn't put a nice juicy snot blob on your plate? (I would have).

Third...you stated 50 cents per person, subtract 10 cents if the food was blah blah blah...when I was a server I DIDN'T COOK THE FOOD. go bitch at the cook that is making 20x's the amount the server is.

I hope you get recognized in your town, and all servers spit in your food. You get what you give.

have a nice day.

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, that was hot, you have the hottest attitude, I would drive to where you are at and fuck the brains out of you, Any way we can get more pics?

Anonymous said...

just an fyi usually when u complain about the food at a place it normally comes out of the servers pay or tips. alot of people work hard for that money to make ends meet and ur taking it from them.

Lauren said...

I am laughing so hard at your comments that I am crying...

How can people be that obtuse?

I just discovered your website, HILARIOUS!

shanonn said...

lol really are these commenters that stupid? jesus.
perfect posts:)

Amitabh said...

Do you really think that by using a drinks cup for only a week you are getting enough for your dollar? Have you considered washing the cup once a week and reusing it again?

ScotchAllenguarde said...

lol

whoever writes this stuff is a genius

i rarely laugh out loud at blogs

a+

Anonymous said...

I could expect this from a 15 year old boy, but looking at your profile picture, you must be a real bitch. Hate people like you.

Anonymous said...

Scamming restaurants, awesome.
Leaving a shitty tip, dick move. waiters make less than minimum wage, and are taught to try to persuade you that there isn't a problem with your meal, then gauge your reaction.
Does your boss pay you less at at a whim?
no. Leave 20% percent of the original check, and bitch till the rest is free if you want to be cheap.

FoodieBear said...

OMFG, I love you!!

Where are the network executives? You've got to have your own show!! Masterpiece!

Alex said...

i hope you choke on your next meal

Anonymous said...

I can guarantee if you tried any of that shit with me at my restaurant, you'd be escorted out and the police would be called. You have to be fucking kidding me if you think this is how you get what you "feel" you deserve in life. Hand your kids over to child services and go jump off a bridge.

Anonymous said...

Well aren't you a total cunt

Anonymous said...

Hey Toothless Bitch! You will pay for everything you did. You will receive back one hundred times worse harder than you did for all the inocent employees you damaged, you're taking advantage of your situation as a customer... You only deserve to go to hell. Poor your children! because they don't deserve to learn this shit from their own mother... They must be with a good person who teach them a good education for their future, there is nothing good to learn from a bitch like you.

Susie said...

hahahahahahaha! who gave you a job you piece of white trash? yea im that bad ass, im not going to post this anonymous.

Anonymous said...

it's clear that you've never had to work a day in you life you lazy twat

Anonymous said...

Wow you're a bitch.

Anonymous said...

To all the haters, it's your job as consumers to do what you get for you and yourself. Don't let the structure of society dictate your behaviors and allow the rich to remain rich, it's business not matter where you are and who you deal with.

I do agree, however, with the posts above that this lady looks grotesque, if that is in fact her picture shown above. So much so that I'm surprised she has any kids, but then again abortions aren't cheap and I'm sure someone will be saying the same about her kids in the future.

Brain in a Hat said...

Yo Joss,

You iz the motherfucking bomb. Your advice is golden. I went to Denny's the other day and I took my nephew Pablo, and we totally played the race card when the waitress said, "huh?" to my nephew when he ordered. She was like "I'm sorry, what was that?" And so I went into full-blown La Raza mode. You know, "what, you're saying we can't speak English because we're fucking beaners?" She was old, so she really was thrown by that, but then the young white manager came over, as he was in earshot, and he apologized and comped us our shit. Being brown = free food at Denny's, folks. Try it!

Anyway, let's hook up.

Anonymous said...

you toothless bitch

Anonymous said...

You're a fucking cunt. You're the epitome of everything I hate about Americans, and you're probably some fucking fat, cheap whore of a mother whose life is so shitty that, in order to compensate for that fact, has to be a total CUNT to everyone around her. Your kids will probably loathe you one day, if they don't already as it is.

Anonymous said...

Wow, the customer is only "always right" when they're being honest...what a way to bring up your children!!!

Anonymous said...

youre an absolute cunt.
i work in retail myself and have to deal like pricks like you on a daily basis.
customers arent always right, infact, most of the time they are wrong! its only because theres that kind of rule or saying so that they get things their own way.
stop being an absolute bitch and treat people with respect.

i hope your children disown you. you dont deserve to have children, bringing them into your cruel plans of 'saving money' - use some fucking money off vouchers or shop in the sales you thoughtless twat!

Stew said...

With all due respect (that you so DO NOT RIGHTLY deserve) you shouldn't be bloggging, bitch!