Tuesday, June 17

Quit ridin' my tail!



Have you all noticed how road rage is all too common around here? Sometimes when I’m driving my ex-husbands Mercury Cougar down I-64 I see the rudest drivers you could imagine.

If you know me, then you know that I always keep to the fast lane. There’s less activity there and I don’t want to get in an accident. I can’t deal with all that merging and other nonsense when I’m trying to drive and use my phone. Those two right lanes start to slow down occasionally, and I don’t need that. But then I get these people coming too close up behind me, and they’re flashing their headlights at me and whatever. You know what I’m talking about.

Look, y’all, I’m going the speed limit, just like all the cars next to us, so don’t blame me! I look in my rear view mirror and see their hand motions and ugly expressions, like they want me to get out of the way. I pay my taxes, and I’ll drive in whatever lane I want! When they get too close I’ll even resort to tapping my breaks and waving my finger so they can see it through my rear window. You wouldn’t believe the looks I get when they get their chance to pass me on the right! You bastards shouldn’t be speeding anyway! I’m doing you a favor, and saving you from getting a ticket! I swear, y’all need some damn house training!

63 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's called the 'fast lane' for a reason. The left hand lane is not for people that are too lazy to adjust their speed occasionally. If you are doing 55mph in the left hand lane then you are the reason that other drivers are so rude. You make people rude by being inconsiderate.

jimifoster said...

I'll agree with the other comments. How many people have to complain to you about your driving before you realize that the problem is you and not other people?

Anonymous said...

YOU NEED TO MOVE OUT THE WAY BITCH!

Anonymous said...

Keep right except to pass, otherwise get off the damn road. And you shouldn't be using your phone while driving without a hands-free kit.

Anonymous said...

I don't tailgate, that would be inconsiderate (not to mention dangerous). I also don't crowd the PASSING lane when the right lane is free, regardless of the speed I'm going at; that would also be inconsiderate. Not to mention that here in Europe that kind of behavior would get you ticketed (pretty sure it's illegal in the States too).

Anonymous said...

Evidently you are a hypocrite. How can you be both "no-nonsense" and "like to play mind games"? Idiot!

Anonymous said...

You ARE the reason for road rage. SLOWER TRAFFIC MERGE RIGHT. There are people on payroll to deal with my speeding. It's no wonder your husband left you- you're an idiot. He needs to come back and get the kids before they become you. You are obstructing traffic based on a contrived concept of self importance. Learn to live in a society WITH others. It's not YOUR world. Quit acting like it is.

Anonymous said...

If you really do this, I would like to crap in your empty skull.

Anonymous said...

hope someone hits your ass one day! ...lord knows that will be the end of your car cause dumb bitches like you prolly cant afford insurance

Anonymous said...

Learn the rules of the road you silly woman! Slower traffic to the right. This means when faster cars come up behind you, you move to the right at your earliest safe opportunity. If you choose to impede other cars when you have ample opportunity to let them through, you are far more dangerous than they are. This is the rule of the road the world over and has nothing to do with speed limits. Get over yourself! Freaking amateur.

Anonymous said...

Dear Ignorance,

If ignorance is bliss, the explanation of your picture is worth a thousand words!!!

There is "road-Rage"!! People like yourself created it!!! You cause MANY accidents by your selflessness, and your children should be ashamed to be with you. Fortunately they have an alternative to live with their father. When they awake to find the shell of a human that herself their mother, I hope they go!!!

On the phone, riding (slowly) in the fast lane. Most likely smoking and tuning the radio. Sound about correct?

Try a new approach to life:

1. STFU!!!
2. Get out of the fast lane
3. Quit Smoking
4. Find a radio station you can listen to, until you stop
5. Get a new hobby (the current one is going to get you and/or your children HURT!!!! You ignorant piece of CRAP!!!

Take a look in the mirror and discover what you have become, and find the human that's buried under all of that shameless ignorance.

Regards,
The Public

S said...

Just a few things I thought I would post.
1) Failure to yield to faster traffic is illegal in most places in the world. I know states vary, but I know for a fact that it is illegal in Texas and Oklahoma.
2) It is illegal in most places to be talking on the phone when you drive. Your attention should be on the road!
3) It is not your place to "slow" traffic that is going over the speed limit. You don't know why they are speeding. Let them get pulled over and let the police deal with it. If they are running late for work, they will get a ticket. If it is an emergency, then the police can help (My brother was bit by a crazy pitbull once. I remember wishing the same fate on everyone who wouldn't let us by as he sat in the back seat with blood everywhere.)
4) Traffic will naturally flow in such a way as to be more efficient. When people like you purposefully disrupt the flow of traffic, you cause problems. Your attitude causes traffic jams, accidents, and deaths which you are solely responsible for. I wish they would revoke your license!

Miggity said...

your ass will ticketed for that here in Oregon.

Anonymous said...

Typically on a multilane interstate there is a law which mandates slower traffic to keep right. It’s not an option, it’s the law. The law doesn’t make any mention of going the speed limit in the left lane, simply it states slower traffic must keep right. It’s not an option, it’s required.

One day your arrogance will encounter someone else who doesn’t care to follow the law. You claim you stay in the left lane because you don’t want to get into an accident. What an idiotic statement.

Why must you use your phone while driving? Behind the wheel you should be doing one thing, that’s driving. This is especially true if you struggle to drive and use the phone.

You claim you tap your brakes if they get too close. That’s also illegal. You follow up with you’ll spray with your windshield washer fluid. That’s simply idiotic.

Lady I could easily put you into the median or center wall. Your driving inexperience would cause you to overreact if I came too close returning to the left lane in front of you. I have about 1.5 million miles behind me. Quit being stupid before you really piss someone off with your arrogance.

Anonymous said...

She's right you know, we need to insure that we all do this and stop this kind of tailgating behavior. I commend you J!

LadySlingsTheBooze said...

I wrote you a poem!!

"Roses are red
Violets are blue
I'm gonna fuck you with a rake."

I know the rhyming needs some work, but I feel like the heart comes through just fine.

mr9redx said...

oh god it gets funnier with every article, pure gold. I have no idea a decent person like you exist in Richmond. You are exactly what this city need, a humor. I'd like to smoke you up if possible. (banana flavored blunt wrap can be arranged)

Anonymous said...

Um, the left lane is for PASSING, dumbass. You should not be in the left lane if you are not passing somebody.

Where the hell did you learn to drive? You are a danger on the roads.

Anonymous said...

mah favrit chip iz teh roflaz. u has dem.

2oonhed said...

It does not matter WHAT speed you are going. If you are in a left hand lane and a faster car catches up to you and wants to get by, you move right and let them by.
IT IS AN INTERNATIONALLY RECOGNIZED COURTESY.

KaliKitsune said...

Drive and use your phone at the same time?

Fuck you. Up the ass without lubrication. It's people like YOU that cause nice people like me to get injured and need MILLIONS of dollars of titanium implants just to fucking walk and grab things.

You fucking incourteous, graceless, tactless, brainless bitch. Someone needs to shoot you DEAD, and kill your kids so your genes don't spread and infect the gene pool further.

Heather from Dallas said...

ROFL...keep up the brilliant work Jos.

Anonymous said...

Their sure are a lot of angry people posting here, like they just got a speeding ticket or something. Didn't you try to save them from speeding tickets? They have only themselves to blame for being angry.

Anonymous said...

I would have you know that it is a little know fact that Eisenhower made all freeways to have long straightaways in case of emergency plane landings... probably UFO landings too, he knew by then since this is after Roswell. and it's important for the American public to be both courteous and abide by the laws but go also mind your business too. But always look up. In case of distressed aircraft which is why Jocelyn is right, because it's impossible to look up and be aware of your surroundings but still drive faster than the speed limit. Jocelyn, I hope I am your future ex-husband, you rock

Anonymous said...

If you can't deal with all the merging in the other lanes while you are on the phone - then get off the road - you don't know how to drive. And stay off the phone while your driving idiot!

DC Mike said...

Guess what, asshat? It's not called the "left lane" or "fast lane", it's called the PASSING LANE. It's there for you to PASS people. If you're not passing people you can technically receive a ticket for riding in that lane. It is also LAW in the state of VA that you MUST move out of the way when someone comes up behind you on the interstate and flashes their lights. I won't even bother pointing out that talking on the phone while driving has been proven to be every bit as dangerous as driving drunk.

Anonymous said...

what the fuck are you doing driving, you're a woman your ass should be in the kitchen.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant post. The comments make it even funnier. It seems that many of your readers are lacking in humor awareness.

Anonymous said...

So it's all about you?! I bet you were raised a princess whose father took care of her every need, and now, without a good man (which you obviously don't have, because you are bitch, and if you do, I feel sorry for him)you just don't know how to handle society at today's pace. I bet you see a therapist and take Xanax too. Speed limit? When was the last time you followed that on a regular two-lane road? Besides that, the law is written "...speed limit, or WITH THE FLOW OF TRAFFIC." Additionally, the interstate has a minimum of 55MPH in most parts...do you even follow that?! Additionally, when the US interstate system was designed, the curves, shoulders, and ramps were designed with banks that could handle up to 95MPH, because that is what they believed in the 1950s people in the future would be driving, however, inept, unaware, and lazy people like yourself have ruined that for all of us, because you can't compute at high speeds while thinking about all the ways the world has seemingly wronged you since youth. You are wasier to read than a book. You are ridiculous! Computer simulations and the facts show that people like you are the leading cause of traffic jams on the freeways and interstates. Like George Costanza says, "We're livin' in a society here!" So get out of the way of people who know how to drive and have somewhere to be.

Anonymous said...

MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY

Anonymous said...

Hey you stubborn cunt - it's called the passing lane for a reason. It's reserved for passing. I don't care if you want to be a stubborn idiot on your own time, but don't impose your lack of any sort of driving ability on me.

It isn't road rage, it's a warranted response to inconsiderate drivers like yourself. Completely disrespectful - you're putting yourself and other drivers in danger.

I know this comment amongst the others are just going to solidify your rationality for staying in the PASSING lane - because that's just the kind of predictable dumbass you are. I doubt you even had the attention span to read this comment in entirety.

Anonymous said...

Good for you! And just to pass along a tip, its amazing how tossing one of those old school 18-pound window sash weights out the driver's side window behind you will provide some instant attitude adjustment to the jerks behind you flashing their lights and flipping the bird at you.

Anonymous said...

What a slunt...
You probably cause more accidents than the people trying to pass. What are you, the highway monitor? Get out of the way and people will not tailgate you.

Anonymous said...

Wow, you really need to lose your driver's license. Using the phone, blocking the fast lane and then complaining about others? How much more arrogant can you get.

If you cannot deal with merging and occasional slowdowns then you don't deserve to have your license. It's a shame that every idiot in the USA can get it so easily.

You wouldn't survive one day in German traffic.

Anonymous said...

The question is what are you doing out of the kitchen?

Anonymous said...

It's the "passing/fast" lane. If you're an obstruction and holding up traffic for the rest of us you need to get OUT of the left lane. You're the reason why road-rage is rampant. Only looking out for yourself and sitting on the left lane because you think the middle and right lane's inconvenient for your commute. You have time to look in the rear view mirror and not get out of people's way then you may not need to be driving. Be considerate of others and use common sense. But most of all like Ludacris always says "BITCH get out the way!"

Anonymous said...

I fucking hate cunts like you who drive slow on purpose to piss people off. GET A FUCKING LIFE.

Jim said...

Are you serious in this post? People like you need to find another place to sooth the resentment or anger you're harboring BEFORE you go out on the road.

Listen lady, anybody that knows anything about driving at all knows that you do NONE of the things that you do on the road. In a few of the cities I've been in, you risk much more than just flashing lights and hand gestures if you drive like that...

highpitch_83 said...

A few tips:
- turn off your fucking phone if you can't handle driving with the cruise set and talking at the same time.
- Merging shouldn't be an issue since the traffic is yielding TO YOU - not the other way around.
- Do you know why the car is "next to you" going the speed limit?" It's because you should be in the right lane instead of blocking traffic! You don't have to save me from the speeding ticket: I'm driving fast because I have shit to do and I can afford the ticket!
- "the 2 right lanes slow occasionally and I don't need that" yet you have no problem impeding the rate of speed of every other driver that avoids the slow down you describe by utilizing the fucking "PASSING LANE." It's called that for a reason.
- FYI: tapping your breaks doesn't do shit - I would be more than happy to lay on the horn for hours if necessary until you get the fuck out of my way.

Ignorant mongloids like you are the reason that traffic is so fucking bad... STAY OFF THE ROAD

Anonymous said...

Hey lady, I hate to say it but, your blog = FAIL and according to the comments I would say that you officially got PNW3d!!!!

Now GTFO of the highway and GTFO of the interwebs!!!

<3 7r0//

Anonymous said...

when did they start letting these dinner machines drive?

Anonymous said...

You're a fucking idiot if you think that just because you pay your taxes you get to inconvenience everyone you encounter on the road. First, get off the goddamn phone you idiot bitch. Second, the left lane usually has "less activity" because PEOPLE ARE GOING FASTER AND GETTING OUT OF THE WAY QUICKER... Third, if merging is "too confusing" for you, perhaps you should take a taxi. People like you are the cause of at probably 90% of the accidents on the road and countless incidents of road rage. If you see someone behind you who is CLEARLY going faster than you, get out of the way and let them pass. You're no better than the person behind you making angry faces and ugly gestures if you're just doing it to essentially police other people's driving habits. You're not the police, don't act like them. Road rage is a powerful thing... I had a guy follow me HOME one time after I upset him in traffic.. What you're doing sounds like a good way to wind up in a ditch somewhere.

Anonymous said...

Dear dumbass redneck,

The left lane is for passing, slower traffic must stay to the right. Maybe if you had more than an 8th grade education, you would have enough common sense to know this is the logical thing to do. I understand you might be a little bit slow, but it is the police's job to enforce traffic laws, not you.

In conclusion:
Stay the fuck in the right lane you ugly ass bitch.

Anonymous said...

First of all - you shouldn't just drive in whichever lane you want. The purpose of having multiple lanes is to relieve traffic congestion - if you are going slower than the person behind you, then you are holding people up.

That would be considered obstruction of traffic in many states. YOU would get the ticket. It's very common to drive above the speed limit, and the cops are going to pull YOU over when you're the one driving slower than everyone else.

Anonymous said...

Well aren't you the stupid one.

Anonymous said...

Stupid whore, stay in the kitchen and make me a turkey pot pie!

Anonymous said...

You may not know this or care, but disregarding the "slower traffic keep right" signs is a 4 point moving violation and a $250 fine. The speed limit is not the only law on the road.

Bob from KY said...

Well since you are talking about saving someone from tickets you do realize those "Keep Right Except to Pass" signs are there for a reason, and all you need to do is break check a cop and you'll be getting one of those tickets your have been trying to save everyone else from.

Plus, hang up and drive before you kill someone.

ExtremeHobo said...

Actually this woman is breaking the law here in Virginia

46.2-842.1 requires vehicles in the left lane to yield to faster traffic; State Police say this applies even when faster traffic is speeding.

taken from the MIT site.

RB said...

Simple. The law says the left lane is for passing. If you choose not to follow the law then you shouldn't be driving. Thanks.

Anonymous said...

Its people like you who make the roads more dangerous by making drivers in the passing lane pass in the right lanes. It also against the law and makes many people very angry. You are lucky we do not live in a lawless state. Because I would send drivers like you into the wall every chance i got.

Anonymous said...

there was study done recently that said the speeders actually help the traffic flow better. they prevent backups caused by no one passing the slow cars......speeders/passers keep it spread out and actually allow the slow driver from causing extensive delays. Slow drivers should concede their place for the sake of all other on the road. added benefit to the marginally fast drivers is..no tickets. let fasties get 1 mile ahead you and they will get ticket. they are necessary evil but a really factually proven to improve traffic flow, along with you too. They tend to spread out traffic by eliminating their presence in the traffic.

Anonymous said...

This is why you should have stayed in the kitchen. At the very least you should stay off the road.

In a post about how you can't handle the left lane with all it's drama you say you can't handle the right lanes with all the lane changing and speed variation. Apparently, you just can't handle driving.

Anonymous said...

She's the left lane natzist i tell you. LOL

piotr said...

people hate you cause you're a bad driver. I do not like you for the same reason.

Anonymous said...

Clearly the author of this idiocy really wanted to meet their hate mail quota for an entire lifetime in one fell swoop.

If only we could learn her street address to send her packages of shit flavored shit.

Anonymous said...

I had to go back and start at the earliest available blog post, for historical perspective.

It only took, what? 4 or 5 blog posts?, before the readership went from ha-ha-you're-clever-and-witty to burn-in-hell-snaggled-toothed-cunt. And its been downhiull ever since.

Fascinating stuff!

Michael said...

Don't want to deal with all that merging and changing lanes? You're like the employee who complains about all the work they have to do.

Do me a favor and stay out of Texas.

Kim said...

tossing an empty beer bottle out the window gits people off yer tail too!!

Anonymous said...

GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY YOU STUPID BITCH!

Anonymous said...

What are you doing out driving on the roads for anyway? Shouldn't you be home fixing your new man a samich? or cleaning the bathrooms? or getting cleaned up so your man doesn't have to come home to a stanky angry hole? I thought a womans job was to look pretty and fetch her man what he needs, not driving around tellin everyone whats wrong with the way everyone else is driving. See no one cares what you say, just rub my feet and swaller like a good girl and all will be good and right in the world. Don't make me hafta tell ya again!

Miss said...

It's ca-a-alled the hammer lane. Speed can lead to stroke, which most of you seem to be on the brink of. You all should be more polite toward her, do you have any idea how distracting it is to have someone so far up your buttcrack that you can't even see the hood of their car in your rearview while you're trying to check your caller ID to make sure that isn't your useless husband before you switch from the line you're already using to answer the call.
Don't you even pay them no nevermind Josie. If you ever decide you'd like to do ditch the zero and make yourself acquainted with a woman's touch, you let me know. We'll leave our husbands alone with their precious intranet and sistas will do it for themselves!

Miss said...

By the way, the law does not say that the left lane is for people to go faster than others. That's why if you ram a car that isn't going fast enough, you're the one at fault. It's really more of a suggestion. To those of you who cussed her out, be ready because the next time I signal to get into the right lane and let you pass, only to risk over-correcting when you expect me jump back into the left so you can impetuously veer around on the right, even though I'm just going to meet you in 500 feet at a stop light, I'm laying into my horn and you better get out of MY way.