Thursday, January 15

What a girl wants!

As I mentioned in my last post, Phil and I are gettin' hitched! He truly is the prince I've been waiting for! I figured that setting up a few ground rules was the only way to ensure that the fairytale continues. So I've laid out my demands, and Phil has accepted them! It's like a dream come true!

My first demand was a big fat rock for my finger. I told him that I wouldn't settle for less than a 2 carat stone. Phil came through like a champ with a gorgeous ring that must have cost him about 4 months of income from his plumbing business

I've also made him promise to buy me a new house. I've always wanted to live in a big planned community! Something without a bunch of ugly trees, and carpeted in beautiful fake lawns. I love the kinds of houses they have there. I think they call them "McMansions", probably because they're quick to build and totally awesome!

I assured Phil that even though I like the fact that he's an older, more mature gentleman, that distended old nut sack of his has got to go! But I'm not suggesting castration! A simple cosmetic scrotal tuck will do just fine. I'm making him an appointment with a plastic surgeon for next week.

I'm telling you, this is going to be a new start for us for real! So it only makes sense that a few changes should be made. That's why I've told Phil to have his old hound put to sleep. I'm not going to have that goddamn thing stinking up my new house, or barking at the neighbors who live 20 feet away.

There's one more condition, and this one was almost a deal breaker. But I wouldn't back down...not after all the cheating that went on with my last husband! I will not be made the fool! So starting the day after our honeymoon, Phil will be wearing a male chastity kit, which will be locked by me each morning, and unlocked each night upon his return home.

89 comments:

Aaron said...

You are a huge cunt! You don't deserve ANY man let alone one that would cave to your retarded demands. I this won't get through moderation, but I just thought you needed to know.

Ang said...

Wait. What's Phil's last name? Will you continue the hyphenating tradition?

Man, I hope it's Boner.

Anonymous said...

Yep, you sound like a massive, self-absorbed coont

Chukchi said...

Congratulations - glad to see that you are getting your life together.

Why are you all calling her cunt - that is NOT nice! Afterall - she might be still a little bit moody after the child birth - give her a break (obviously her new husband is - but if you asked me - the dog & eapecially chastity thingy are a bit too much - but that's your personal bisnez)

Wish you all the happiness!
--
Chukchi

karilee said...

You go girl! You have to crack the whip hard and strong from the beginning---that's how men get trained!

And don't listen to all the h8ers. They're just jealous because you've got what they can't have: a hot man like Phil to take care of you like the princess you are!

Anonymous said...

Congrats Jocelyn but I can't quite get my head around how that male chastity belt works... it looks like a plastic torture device!

Anonymous said...

I hope he kills you, collects on a life insurance policy he just pulled out, sells your shitty house, retires, finds some hot little 20 yr old to bang, buys a red corvette, and rides off into the sunset. I would say everybody would have gotten what they deserve, then. Cheers!

Anonymous said...

If a guy was demanding all that stuff from a woman, everybody would consider him a gigantic asshole. I'll let you decide how that affects you.

Anonymous said...

God I hope this is a joke. Poor bastard!

Anonymous said...

to all you idiots supporting this freak bitch: what the fucking hell is wrong with you all? all of you, including "Ms Jerry Springer Special" is what's wrong with the world and all it contains. Jocelyn you're one twisted vampire-toothed vagina with serious psychosexual issues.

Anonymous said...

Who WOULDN'T want to get their nuts tucked for you? Come on you guys, we all know we would, I know I would. Can't wait to hear about the wedding, congratulations!

Anonymous said...

You are a pig. The world would be better without ignorant, self absorbed people like you breathing all the air. Get bent!

love,
Vlad

Anonymous said...

stupid ass fucking whore. No wonder your daughter is pregnant. You proboly taught her everything you know. Phil is one unlucky bastard.

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, you are pathetic.

Matthew said...

If it's Dr. Phil, i'm perfectly OK with this

Anonymous said...

You've got a lot of sand to make all of these demands. I could see if you were a smokin' hot chick, but you are uglier than homemade shit.

Get your damn teeth fixed before anything you HAG!

Anonymous said...

"God I hope this is a joke. Poor bastard!"

God here.

It is no joke.

I will stand behind this holy matrimony and expect a tassle of younguns from this pairing.

Those heathens disapproving can just head off for Heck right now and commence your eternal torment right now.

Love, God

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for your kids seeing that spanking is listed as one of your interests along with 3 other words that have to do with your ass including smoothies, fruit salads, and reality television.

Anonymous said...

Not only are you what aaron and others have said, but you are fugly beyond belief. You look like what I would think a child of incest would look like. You should get a new haircut, and get those backwoods teeth fixed. I can believe you want all of those things from your future husband but dont want to clean yourself up. Your future husband must be one dumb person to meet all of your insane demands that or he hasnt had his fun zone touched in a decade or two.

Anonymous said...

:edit:

I cant believe you want all of those things from your future husband but dont want to clean yourself up

:edit:

Damn you are oooogly...shit that is going to haunt me at night!

Andy said...

That's nothing. Real security is available at www.lockedinsteel.com

David Jairala said...

Beside what all the other people have said, you're an ugly cunt. So let's review. You're making demands based on what? Your personality? Doubtful, since you're obviously borderline retarded. Making demands based on your looks? Just addressed that, and also unlikely, since you're what we around here like to call a boner assassin.

Then what are your demands based on? Your money? Also flaky since as you put it, you live near ugly trees or some other crap.

For the love of god or whatever you believe in, don't marry the guy. Let him go and find someone who's not such a raging bitch and have a shot at happiness. Speaking for men everywhere, fuck off you cunt.

Brittany said...

Sweety...if you really want things shouldn't you get them yourself? It sounds like you're still emotionally hurting from your first marriage. Perfunctory relationships can easily degrade our standard for relationships, where your idea of reward shifts from time spent with, to arguments won, to pure material reward because of deteriorating communication. Your previous husband may have been a total loss and completely at fault, but you're entering into a relationship with a completely new person. Continuing your perspective on relationship that you had with your old husband will only produce a similar marriage with your new one. And your new one sounds like he loves you very much, you may not realize it but you may be abusing that love: you validate him with need but you, pardon me, lack trust. I wish the best for you and hope that it lasts.

Anonymous said...

Maybe he should pay to take you to a dentist and fix that ugly mouth. Sorry I have no sympathy for DOG KILLERS. In my mind you are a murderer and a horrible person. You love and marry someone for the way they are and love you, not for what they can provide and how you feel you can change them to suit your needs. This is most likely the reason your ex was cheating on you!!

Arasari said...

I wouldn't give this cunt the time of day, Poor guy, I hope he dumps your sorry ass.

Anonymous said...

You are a fucking bitch.

Anonymous said...

You are so ugly. Maybe if you here hot you could make these demands. But you are a gap tooth ugly ass bitch.

Anuber Mummy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Anonymous said...

How would you like it if he demanded that you wear a chastity belt because you can't be trusted? Or that you kill one of your pets/friends because he just doesn't like them?

And to all the women out there who have been congratulating and supporting this psycho by saying that her crazy demands are reasonable...you are only feeding into this woman's insanity.

You ARE going to lose this guy if you keep up with the insane demands. In fact, I expect that he's already seriously considering leaving you after the chastity belt demand.

If for some reason that's not a deal-breaker for him, you might want to consider why...cause no self respecting man would subject themselves to that kind of torture for an ugly, aging, gold-digger.

David said...

That is a funny post and I have to say that Phil is a handsome guy and quite the catch.

The comments on this are freakin' hilarious.

Cheers

Anonymous said...

Has Phil made demands along these lines to you? Does he ask that you kill your pets, spend your life savings on baubles and put what seems to be a torture device on your privates? For what? Is this your way of having him prove his love? Seems a bit... well... sick.
This guy most likely has no need for a scrotal tuck, for he doesn't seem to have the balls to stand up to your outrageous demands.
PS: Stay the hell away from my dog... and Phil's for that matter.

Anonymous said...

Good lord, what an ugly cunt Jocelyn is...

Anonymous said...

Hideous cunt. Absolutely hideous.

Nick said...

This is Phil and I have one request of my beloved before we get hitched. I always wanted to have a virgin. So to accommodate that I request that you get you get a vaginal tuck and hymen reconstruction at least once a month. There for I can never get bored with a sagging, floppy cunt that I have to wake up to day after day after day for the rest of my sad life.

Love always,
Phil

Anonymous said...

Yet again, proof that you can take the girl out of the trailer park, but you can't take the trailer park out of the girl.

Mark said...

Jocelyn, girl, good for you! Congratulations on the rock and all... a little piece of advice here - don't go too far on the scrotal tuck, since it may affect Phil's performance, if you kniow what I mean.

After wearing that male chastity kit all day his member is going to be extremely sensitive, just like an uncircumcised 17 year old. You may want to get some of that numbing lube for your extended pleasure.

good luck!

Anonymous said...

U are a horriable person taking advantage of an older man who feels like he has to settle down with anyone now that there is not much time left in his life and the only person he could find was you because u knew that he was desperiate and would take his shit

Anonymous said...

Why are you even bothering to have him get a scrotal tuck? clearly he has no balls in need of tucking.

you crazy bitch.
Die In A Fire You Whore.

Stingharkonnen said...

You are either one of the funniest people on the internet or the horrible result of wadding in the shallow end of the gene pool. If it's the latter, when your gyno gives you the bad news that you've caught of the H's, you'll come to the bitter realization that your man is not only having an affair with a locksmith, but is also a closeted gay and is married to you to beat the morals clause in some 1950's will.

Anonymous said...

I feel so so sorry for your man slave. And I do mean slave in the literal sense. Why he's marrying you is beyond me, watch out after you get hitched, he'll probably murder you in your sleep, and for good reason it seems.

Somehow I doubt it said...

If he agrees to that, he deserves you.

Mildred the wonder horse said...

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding celebration! However, I have a few reservations about Phil. He is caving in too easily to your demands, so I figure he is up to something behind your back. To keep him in line, you have to be unpredictable. If he is even a minute late to see you, pawn off his plumbing tools, his high school class ring and his sentimental record collection from his college days. Tell him you needed the money to hire a private detective to follow him around all day. It worked for me!

Anonymous said...

Congrats Jocelyn! Make sure you whip that boy into shape before you get hog tied to him! If he doesnt comply make sure you take him for all he is worth before you ditch him!

Anonymous said...

Sheesh Jocelyn...
I have just scrolled through the comments. I'm glad that people have a sense of humour on this site! NOT!
As for you - I know you've got a thick skin because the level of abuse is ridiculous.
Keep churning out the funnies and ignore the ignorant.

Ang said...

One of the funniest things about the comments is that these people attempt to display their moral superiority by calling you ugly, a cunt and wishing the worst upon you, up to and including death.

Jocelyn, I'd just like to formally thank you for the work that you do. Your tireless efforts to expose the hypocritical and humorless assholes of the internet amuses me endlessly. It's too bad they all go by the name "Anonymous". You're my little ray of sunshine!

Mommy Gourmet said...

This is the funniest blog I have ever read. Thanks for the chuckle. Though I am thoroughly convinced I went to high school with some of your alter ego’s.

Anonymous said...

You have got to be kidding me with this shit girl!!
first of all.. just like almost everyone else has said you are one ugly bitch!!

secondly i really hope the dog part was a joke because that is beyond awful! you give the poor dog to someone who will love it, and that doesnt mean God!!! You give him the the damn pound if you have to!

And dont make this poor guy wear a chasity belt because your EX HUSBAND cheated!! Your ugly as hell i though maybe you'd have a nice soul or something but apparently not.

Go fucking put yourself to sleep!!

aaron#13 said...

I think I love you... you remind me of tucker, a guy I know. If I was gay, and he was gay, I'd over-lube his ass and we'd spend the night soaked in each others shit and puke. He assured me that even if he were "tucker max drunk" it'd never work, so I'm SOOOO glad I found you!

what say you get rid of this chump and hook up with a real man? I can provide you with a beautiful 4.3 carat diamond ring that'll blow your mind - one of the inclusions looks like sid vicious shooting up, and the jeweler that sold it to me says that exotic coloured diamonds are where it's at these days. he told me that he had never seen a rock quite this this shade of coca-cola brown.

I can one up him in the security department too - one of my exes severed my penis with a kitchen knife! It still works fine, (after I found it by the side of the road) but I had the doctors mount it with a quick-disconnect fitting. when I go to work every day, you can reassure yourself about my fidelity every time you look at my detachable penis. just promise me you'll keep track of it - I lose track of it often enough myself!

Waffre said...

Stingharkonnen, I am incredibly offended by your insinuation that all locksmiths are male. I want you to understand that women can do whatever job they choose! Screw you and your glass ceiling!

Anonymous said...

your a cunt, and your husband is big baby back bitch

Anonymous said...

I hope you rot in hell just like you deserve to, you ugly stupid fucking bitch

Anonymous said...

what a sick cunt you are!

lol

Anonymous said...

A BIT MOODY?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!

SHE IS MAKING HIM UCK HIS GOD DAMN BALLSACK. SHE DESERVES TO BE SHOT AND HAVE HER TITS STRETCHED AROUND HER RIBS TO EVEN THE SCORE.

BITCH.

Jessica said...

Wow Heartless much? Bitches like you don't make it to heaven thats for damn sure. From the sound of it you don't seem to be worth any of what he's going to give you and the ONLY thing to deseved is the one who needs to be put to sleep not the dog. I'm sure it acts better than you anyways. Good luck on your DIVORCE in a few months. Bitch.

Anonymous said...

Boner assasin ... looks like a child of incest ... lolololo ... there is some good stuff in here ... the only way u will find a guy to be with you, considering those demands: A, ur rich or B, hes not going to get laid any other way or C, both... i havent been laid in seven years and had every single one of my past 6 girlfriend cheat on me and i wouldnt pull this shit ... that aint a lie either ... u must place a high standard on intimacy or some shit.

... by the way, dude was right FIX THE TEETH

Anonymous said...

Well, looks like Phil can still use his mouth and tongue to give the ladies pleasure...unless you are planning to gag him too...the scold's bridle should work nicely. I guess you didn't think of that did you? Ooops...back to the drawing board! Narcissistic personality disorder...look it up, I'm sure there's a picture of you there. Good luck....

Anonymous said...

A Crazy Bitch with a Bitch for a Fiance. But a Fucking GREAT last name.

anna said...

ok i can understand that you dont want the kinda life you lived before you git with him, but you took it WWWAAAAAYYYYY over board! i dont think ur a cunt, but i dont think ur a raving bitch for what your asking of him. i truly feel sad for phil, hes a stupid ass of even thinking that your the one for him. your a self absorbed, evil shrew that needs to die a lonely old woman gagging on your own feces.

lollygriffiths said...

you shouldnt punish ure new husband for your last ones mistakes and to say that he has to hav surgery and buy you all this shit is that alls thats important to you material possessions. how would you feel if your husband told you that you had to have surgery cus ure vag or boobs are saggy which im sure they are.you obviously are just one of those people who take take take its all about u isnt it you want a huge ring u want to take his car u want a new house how about thinkin what he wants. you give women a bad name that all we want men for is money. you are obviously feel like hes gonna cheat on u not only by takin his car cus u think girls are gonna want him more and the chastity belt thats gotta b a joke right u cant tell me that ure actually gonna make him wear that thing. you need to take a long hard look in the mirror. i seriously fear for society that uve actually reproduced and are probably spreading your hate and materialistic views onto your children at least your far away from england that ill never have to come into contact with such a mentally diseased creature i swear down i dont think you deserve any man and he must b either have such low self confidence or have the personality and looks of a troll to put up with and want to b with you

Anonymous said...

Hey, wait up a minute!! Everyone is bashing this woman (not that I really take issue with that so much after what I've been reading on this site) but lets not leave out the REAL issue! Phil is the real moron in this situation and is enabling her behavior and is obviously addicted to this abuse otherwise he would just leave!!! I mean seriously, there has to be some ungodly shit wrong with that guys brain! Look at this homely, bad attitude inbreed and ask yourself, what kind of a guy would even look at her/it (haven't really concluded on that) without having bile rise up, let alone allow a chastity device?! If someone that looked like that came at me with a chastity device (or jut in general for that matter) I would unleash hell in its direction in the form of 12 gauge slugs and be done with it LMAO!!!

Anonymous said...

I'd like to see what the hell this Phil looks like, cause you sure as hell are not a dime piece. I can't believe I wasted my time reading that retarded ass mess you wrote.

Anonymous said...

Are you missing a tooth???

Anonymous said...

....no wonder your last husband cheated on you so much. Phil should have you put to sleep.

Anonymous said...

you deserve to die piece of shit

Anonymous said...

Lol what a raging cuntbag. I hope he murders you slowly in 3 years.

Mikey said...

Seems like this lady has real self-esteem issues. That's fine. Do whatever you need to in order to mask your insecurities and cringe-worthy face. And people call women the fairer sex. What a joke. I hope he chokes you one night in front of your inbred-looking kids.

Anonymous said...

You are a gigantic cunt and the only kind of man you deserve is the rapist kind.

Also your man is a gigantic pussy, too. He should beat some sense into you, and I'm not one for violence, but enough is enough.

Anonymous said...

you are a horrible person

Anonymous said...

... ...wait... ...
"I'm newly remarried, (but it's an open relationship!)"

You are making him wear a chastity device, cuz you are worried about him cheating on you, but you claim its an open relationship.

So basically what you are saying is its 100% not okay for him to sexy with anyone else, but it 100% okay for you to sleep around with whom ever you want?

Talk about double standards, just remember guns don't kill people husbands that come home early do. While many might believe that Phil might not do that, its oft people like him that really go ape-shit and will pant the walls with you when ends you.

Black Philip said...

I did a ctrl+f for 'Parody' 'Irony' 'tongue-in-cheek' and 'satire'. I leave disappointed and disillusioned. This bitch is always going to be miserable and she won't even be able to figure out why.

Anonymous said...

are ... are you retarded?

Anonymous said...

Typical the women sticking up for you,if this was a guy saying all this the feminists with the vampire pussys would be up in arms..I only hope to God he makes sign a pre-nup and then pisses off with your best mate in 6months.
BTW-God your ugly

Jimmy said...

This is Phil here....
This was an experiment to determine the receptiveness of genetically sub par specimens in comparison to other species.

james said...

Fucking get a brain

Anonymous said...

OOO MY GOD OOO OUR GOD

LOL This is really one of the most funny things I have read. This is what is beautiful with internet today we can see all the pathetism of the human beings LOL

Looks like shes 16 years old haha

Nobody should receive anything exept stuff earned from work !

love is the most misused word of the language hahha

good luck everybody reading this !!

Anonymous said...

what do you expect from a redneck, toothless, motherfucking cunt. treating a guy like hes a fucking dog. You're the one who should be put down.

Casey Mauldin said...

cunt
that is all

Anonymous said...

OMG - are you serious? You're demanding quite a lot. I guess Phil would be better off with someone who is not a paranoid material girl.

abcd said...

I don't get why all da brothers are angry, shit her boyfriend is a pussy i what she said was true, why should u get mad dudes loooool

my question, to the author: if u control a guy, how do consider him a man ? lol no seriously.

I don't get girls like, u bitch all ur life about wanting a MAN a MAN a fucking man, then as soon as u get ur hands on one he turns into a pussy. damn that's fucked lol

Anonymous said...

You are the ugliest, inbred, self-absorbed bitch I have ever seen in my life. You're materialistic, gold digging, and not to mention fucking retarded. I hope your new husband kills you and leaves your body in the desert so that coyotes can turn you into the big pile of shit that you are.

Cunt.

Anonymous said...

I just came across this nonsense. Typically I don't post comments anywhere, but after reading this I have to say. Lady! Your are royally FUCKED in the head. I hope you get aids and die and your kids grow up to be drug addicts.

Anonymous said...

just found your site... this over a year old but man it makes me feel better about myself. I told my fiance I wouldn't marry her if she wasn't a size two by our wedding date, then I made her get dental work cuz i won't be in a wedding picture with a snaglepuss. I thought maybe I was out of line. But if you can ask the dude to kill his best friend then i can be honest too.

jgarland79 said...

Did your husband knock those teeth out? If I was him, I would.

Anonymous said...

please, don't do this to him.
you have to have trust in a relationship for it to work. A male chastity device is NOT trust.

Anonymous said...

What a stupid ugly bitch...

Anonymous said...

One word: Greedy disillusioned looney-tunes man-hating CUNT! Well, that's more than one word, but they all pretty much fit perfectly!

Anonymous said...

there's most definitely something wrong with you

Anonymous said...

u should wear one as well its only fair.

Anonymous said...

hahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahaha you make me laugh so much keep it up