I'd like to introduce the world to my new baby boy, Orenthal James Plumbs! My boyfriend Phil was kind enough to sign the birth certificate even though he isn't the real father. We're planning on moving in together and starting a new family. Soon we'll be married and my life will be stable again!
I didn't expect to have the baby so early! I'd gone out with my friends that night, and we were bar hopping all around Shockoe Bottom. I was so stoned on good weed that I didn't feel like drinking very much, but I did feel like finding some action! So I ditched my friends and left with this chubby frat boy I met at Tiki Bob's Cantina.
The kid took me back to his apartment, and we ate a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I convinced him to try these crazy semen pills I bought that are designed to increase the volume of ejaculate. We finished simultaneously, despite his poor sexual performance, and I was left sitting in a puddle. At first I thought it was just the pills, but then I realized that my water had broke!
I knew I had to move fast, so I smoked a cigarette, took a quick shower, and walked four blocks back to my van. I've had enough kids to know when they're about to pop out, so I thought I had time to stop at the McDonald's drive-thru for a snack wrap on my way to the hospital. Once I got through the line I headed straight to the emergency room. But suddenly it really started to hurt! Either this baby was on the way out, or my urinary tract infection was trying to kill me!
I knew then that there was no way I was going to make it to the hospital in time! So I drove a few blocks over to this physical rehab facility for the elderly that I had to bring Mother to a few years ago when she hurt her back. I pulled into the driveway and rammed my van into the door. I felt like I had to hold the baby in with my hands as I hobbled down the hall and leaped into one of the hydrotherapy tubs.
As soon as I hit the water I was giving birth to my new baby boy! What's weird is how that part didn't hurt at all! After a couple minutes of recovery time, I scooped him up in my fake fur coat and we headed for the hospital to be checked out. On my way there I called Phil and told him to meet us. Despite my joy, I did feel a bit sorry for whoever has to clean up that floater I left in the therapy tub.