Thursday, January 8

My little bundle of joy!

I'd like to introduce the world to my new baby boy, Orenthal James Plumbs! My boyfriend Phil was kind enough to sign the birth certificate even though he isn't the real father. We're planning on moving in together and starting a new family. Soon we'll be married and my life will be stable again!



I didn't expect to have the baby so early! I'd gone out with my friends that night, and we were bar hopping all around Shockoe Bottom. I was so stoned on good weed that I didn't feel like drinking very much, but I did feel like finding some action! So I ditched my friends and left with this chubby frat boy I met at Tiki Bob's Cantina.

The kid took me back to his apartment, and we ate a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I convinced him to try these crazy semen pills I bought that are designed to increase the volume of ejaculate. We finished simultaneously, despite his poor sexual performance, and I was left sitting in a puddle. At first I thought it was just the pills, but then I realized that my water had broke!

I knew I had to move fast, so I smoked a cigarette, took a quick shower, and walked four blocks back to my van. I've had enough kids to know when they're about to pop out, so I thought I had time to stop at the McDonald's drive-thru for a snack wrap on my way to the hospital. Once I got through the line I headed straight to the emergency room. But suddenly it really started to hurt! Either this baby was on the way out, or my urinary tract infection was trying to kill me!

I knew then that there was no way I was going to make it to the hospital in time! So I drove a few blocks over to this physical rehab facility for the elderly that I had to bring Mother to a few years ago when she hurt her back. I pulled into the driveway and rammed my van into the door. I felt like I had to hold the baby in with my hands as I hobbled down the hall and leaped into one of the hydrotherapy tubs.

As soon as I hit the water I was giving birth to my new baby boy! What's weird is how that part didn't hurt at all! After a couple minutes of recovery time, I scooped him up in my fake fur coat and we headed for the hospital to be checked out. On my way there I called Phil and told him to meet us. Despite my joy, I did feel a bit sorry for whoever has to clean up that floater I left in the therapy tub.

33 comments:

Ang said...

Congratulations! I would ask if he looks like his father, but you'd have to narrow that down a little first.

The weed probably mitigated a bunch of the pain. That's a useful tip!

Jeffrey Seaview-Twitter............ said...

Congrats, Jocelyn.

I'm so pleased for you. If you ever get fed up with him, let me know, as I need a young lad to help me drill for oil.

Anonymous said...

A fake fur coat?

Chukchi said...

I hope the baby is OK. It does not sound right that you drank & smoke weed on the day of his birth - what is wrong with you? Ang - I can't believe anybody in their right mind would take it as a useful tip - smoking is bad for you - very bad - especially when you are pregnant!

Keep us updated & please take good care of him

--
Chukchi (I finally figure out how to get an account with my name :) - lets see if it appears)

Anonymous said...

I predict a bloody-knived future for this young lad. What did you name your other kids? Adolf? Pol?

Old Crazy Cat Lady said...

Congratulations! You really lucked out. They usually charge extra for those fancy water births!

Anonymous said...

Congrats to you and little OJ.
Wow, you've really got that birthing thing worked out - lucky there was a handy facility close by... and I wouldn't worry about the floater - if the staff are used to working with old people they're used to fishing worse things out of the tub!

Anonymous said...

Are you satan incarnate? What kind of mother are you? Wow, I'm usually not bothered by others'behaviour, but you my dear, scare me. Wow, you need help. This is coming from a 15 year heroin addict - been clean for a year. Your actions and behaviour make me fear for the future. Quit reproducing and figure out what makes you go out and do what you do. Be a Mom, your party days are over. Wow, just Wow

Anonymous said...

Alright little miss heroin addict, get off your high horse. Just because you have a couple or three or four kids doesn't mean the party is over - you need to party even harder just to compensate.

BTW, Satan incarnate was my first ex-wife, not dear Jocelyn.

Congrats for baby Juice and Mom!!!

Anonymous said...

You're sick lady. I hope you're joking.

Anonymous said...

Child services will be there soon. She will need to contact the health department for more wic money.

Justin said...

Woot! Just in time for tax returns! More kids to claim = more booze/ganja $$$!

Get it!

Sardo said...

If things don't work out with you and Phil, lemme know. I'd love to help start the next batch of babies.

Anonymous said...

good thing that the baby came out with all its fingers and toes. I am surprised it did not look like an alien

Stan said...

let me know if your thinkin about selling the baby, my email is daftpunkringtone@gmail.com

Anonymous said...

i am sure she would sell it for a couple of ounces of pot.

obbop said...

Justin, I hope you do not compute your own taxes. If one is to squirt out a squawking vile spawn, the proverbial bundle-of-joy, you want to do so as late in the year as possible. One minute before midnight of New Years Eve is best.

Doing so allows a full year's tax deduction with minimal expenditure.

Now, our beloved Jocelyn will have a full year of expenses for the same tax deduction.

Of course, we know dear Jocelyn will minimize those expenses in many ways.

Our next goal is to toss those burdensome child-labor laws and convert what is now an expense into an asset.

Get those vile spawn back into the mines, factories, onto the farms and convert them into productive family members vice the burdensome economic anchors dragging us into the depths of economic mire.

Justin said...

obbop, you have enlightened me. It's time that kids put their endlessly energetic, motor-skill lacking muscles to work. Joss, I hope Juice is nursing himself soon. The only way to implement obbop's ideals is to delegate common baby tasks to non other than lil Juice, himself! Start him off by making him nurse himself (maybe put a hamster water jug next to his crib so he can get milk alone instead of bothering mommy. Oh, and you've got two other bundles of joy that can go right ahead today and take over that burdensome task of changing lil' Juice. Just a couple tips, babe...

sgrambled said...

Congrats on your new baby boy. Now I need to have a girl so we can be related in 14 years.

Mala said...

Would you like to earn some extra cash by babysitting my 1 year old niece?

We won't mind if you just ducttape her to a wall, like we do.She's no trouble. Just give her her cough medicine when she noisy. If you are interested, lemme know in the comments.

Anonymous said...

Thank God your Daughter is pregnant! She can help with the nursing tasks and who says you can't use both sides of a diaper?

mrsgrinnan said...

What the FUCK is wrong with you? I am going to assume this is all a joke and that NORMAL individuals have actually paid attention to a little research about drugs, alcohol, and pregnancy ... You are truly an idiot and I could see why your husband would leave you if this is all true. How about fucking someone RANDOM while you are pregnant? Have you ever heard of STDs? Your children should be taken from you and you should be fixed!

Sazji said...

Aw c'mon mrsgrinnan, everyone knows that if you have an std when you give birth, the baby comes out resistant. And as for drugs and alcohol, well not everyone lives in white suburb neverland like you. This all's a part of life, and the sooner the kid gets used to it, the easier the time he'll have getting used to smoking when he gets bigger. I say get it outta the way before puberty, otherwise they'll call him a dork in junior high and then he'll come whining to mom about how he's not popular.

Anonymouse said...

I called my brother and he knows someone who'll give you $800 for it..
if you want, I can hook you up.

or even a couple of oz's of primo medical marijuana, if you prefer

maybe even more,
but you'd have to get his ear to quit sliding off..
(I have an extra stapler even)

Anonymous said...

BAR HOPPING AT 9 MONTHS PREGNANT? I actually feel so sorry for you, and all the crap you're going to have to put up with when your child becomes delinquent by the age of 5.

See you on Jerry Springer.

Jason said...

First off, these people are right, it's family time now. Like my mother says, you did it, now you deal with it. If you can't handle settling down with a family, at the very least send the kids to someone who can.
Secondly, in her defense, marijuana is not nearly as bad as all of you think, especially during pregnancy. THC (the main ingredient) is used by the growing fetus to stimulate brain cell growth. http://www.drugpolicy.org/marijuana/factsmyths/#pregnancy

Sazji said...

Oh bejeezus, all you people who want to mollycoddle babies. Babies bounce back, they're strong and flexible. If we can deal with a bit of beer or weed, what makes you think babies can't? Christ, they won't even let a woman smoke any more while she's pregnant. My mom smoked througout her pregnancy and I turned out just fine, and even though the extra toes make shoe shopping a pain sometimes, they're always a good conversation starter on the beach; and the second thumbs is really useful when I'm bussing tables.

Anonymous said...

You are terrible.

Sazji said...

Ha, and you're anonymous!

Anonymous said...

I'm not sure what I'm more impressed by: the fact that you seemingly grew a baby in mere minutes or that you had the moxy to ram your way into a building and birth the baby yourself!

Anonymous said...

I think you will be a great mother, keep on getting that kid stoned.

Anonymous said...

Go Pfister!, Go Pfister! , Go!

h.g. said...

Congrats, but I'd be careful about what you post on the web.
If someone were to contact child services claiming you're using illicit substances during pregnancy or around your children (or hell, in general) chances are someone is gonna make a case out of it and take your kids.

So really.. post with caution if you love those little buggers.