Wednesday, January 28

My kids are a disappointment!

It's never easy being a mom. First your own parents disappoint you through your entire childhood. Then you have some kids of your own, and they're an even bigger disappointment! I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I give 'em everything they need. Maybe my kids are just a bunch of duds. Let me describe a little of what I mean so you won't think I'm a terrible mother!

My three year old, little Jailen, is always a handful. The problem with her is that she don't know when to shut up! She points at everything and asks me all kinds of questions. I always say, "I don't know! Damn.", but she keeps doin' it, so she's obviously not getting the hint. That's when I make her take a time-out, where she has to stand in the corner until she falls asleep.

The problem with Brandon, my eight year old, is that he likes all these things like "High School Musical" and Disney Channel. He also likes to draw. I've encouraged him to take on more manly pursuits, but he refuses. He always wants hugs, but I know I'm not supposed to coddle him to much. That's why I've converted an old broom into what I call "the indifference stick". I make him hold one end while I hold the other. It keeps us at a comfortable distance that I think will be best for his development.

I'm proudest of my 15 year old, Darla. She's following in my footsteps and leaping into womanhood by accepting responsibility for her pregnancy. The only problem with her is that she's such a prude! She never wants to smoke or party with her mom (but she's more than happy to with her friends!). She also won't listen to me when I tell her that part time college courses are a waste of time! She's got a baby on the way!

You'd think this little rant would end there, but no, because even my new baby, Orenthal, has been wrecking my last nerve! He's always hungry! It doesn't matter if I'm smoking a cigarette or taking a shit, he wants to be right there at my bosom! Even when I'm at a bar having a drink I've got to sneak him in under my sweatshirt. And wouldn't you know it, as soon as I make it up onto the stool he starts making noise and moving all around. I've been kicked out of three bars just since he was born!
_

37 comments:

Anonymous said...

you sound like a dumbass

Anonymous said...

I can't believe what I'm reading here. Is it any wonder your kids are the way they are? A total reflection of you!

Sounds like your husband couldn't stand it anymore and headed for the door. After reading your little rant, I don't blame him.

What's your next goal, welfare or finally smoking dope with your kids friends?

Random Guy said...

my favorite part is the people who get all riled up on your page!!

Anonymous said...

How do I join your posse? You are the shit!

Flinthart said...

I'm keeping "The Indifference Stick". That's too good not to use again.

Chaz said...

Kids are a drain thats for sure, but if you were to move to the Uk you could make some money form claiming child benefits

Havock21 said...

They are off the breast now I assume, so you are NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE, why waste all that good energy.....go get laid or drunk or whatever floats ya boat.

Therbs said...

I think Anonymous wuvs you but can't decide whether to be abusive, adoring or helpful. next time you go for a drink, strap your baby under your sweatshirt but on your back! That way you'll get free drinks from people who want to talk to the hunchback with the moving hunch!

Anonymous said...

Wish I'd had an Indifference Stick when my kids were being leeches.

Anonymous said...

she is a fucking dumbass. But what do you expect from treailer trash. She proboly had to be kicked out of school in first grade because the teacher felt she was to stupid to learn. After all, who would expect there teenager to go party like a whore with parents. But then again, she needs the money.

Anonymous said...

You've just described the number one problem with modern parenting - no real time punishment. You NEED to show your kids the back of your hand sometimes. Afterwards just tell'em it was tougher on you than them.

Karen said...

The Indifference Stick!!!

Dale Brumfield said...

Your blogs scare me, but I do appreciate the play of my blog on your page.

Anonymous said...

Your kids sound like great people. It's too bad they have you around. You're punishing your youngest daughter for having a curious mind. The world needs more compassionate men like your son. Too bad your little mind games with him will prevent him from ever embracing a softer side of masculinity. And one of the only chances your pregnant daughter has of giving her baby a decent life is going to school. Maybe its not your parents or your kids that have been disappointments, its you. And the only thing you can do is take it out on everyone around you trying to bring them down with you.

TheCheckoutGirl said...

"I don't know! Damn." is the new "I love you." Way ahead of the curve, as usually.

Anonymous said...

I don't get it - you are about to get married, have 4 kids - WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN THE BARS???

Go to Publix & buy a freaking 1 gallon wine bottle - it saves you money & avoids being thrown out of the bars.

Seriously - only a FREAKING TRAILERTRASH MORON would take their month old baby to bars

Anonymous said...

PISS POOR PARENTING!!!!

TAKE SOME FUCKING TIME TO GET TO KNOW YOUR KIDS FUCK. ONE HOUR FOR EACH KID EACH DAY MAYBE YOU WILL REALIZE THAT YOU ARE DOING A BAD JOB AT PARENTING. THE ONLY REASON YOU WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO PARTY WITH YOU IS BECAUSE YOUR FEELING MORAL GUILT FOR NOT GIVING THEM THE ATTENTION THEY DESERVE. YOU TOOK THE TIME TO FUCK AND HAVE THEM SO FUCKING RAISE THEM RIGHT NOT THIS HALF ASS JOB YOUR DOING.

Anonymous said...

You are a badass. I would totally bone you.

NeoYankee said...

While I admire your prose, Jocelyn, I find the clueless commenters who get a hair cross-ways over your honest description of your life are even more amusing.

As someone, somewhere must have said... "Joke 'em if they can't take a f*ck."

Johny said...

You go girl! I always enjoy how you're such a straight shooter and tell it like it is. Just wish more people could be like you. Someday I will find a woman that shares the same qualities and strengths as you!

Does replying in all caps get your point across better? I think not

monsterofoz said...

I am thoroughly impressed, seriously. Nothin' better than a woman with a mind of her own and the intelligence to share it with others. And looking past your facade, well, I bet you equally enjoy the replies from mindless idiots and can derive your own subtle pleasure from their comments. Yes, I would bet your children are as charming as who I read through. Thank you for this moment of willful absurdity. When are your tour dates and locations? If you aren't currently on stage, you should be. The Cable Guy ain't got shit on you!

obbop said...

My vile spawn can whip your pansy vile span any day of the week except Sunday when we go to WallyMart and the tykes pilfer and heist the upcoming week's food.

Handy little critters, at times, but, on the whole, not really worth the time and effort of creating and training...

what with those burdensome unAmerican unHoly child labor laws that allow what could be financial assets devolve into expenses with no payback unless you sell the little vermin to some 3rd-world factory.

Elizabeth James said...

We need to go out for a drink...this is too much...the comments you are getting are just hilarious.

Anonymous said...

LOL so funny.

If you need a little time to yourself adopt a dog for a wet nurse. The kid won't know the difference.

MickH said...

The indifferent stick! ROFL!
I need one of them for my dogs, especially when I come home.

neo ink said...

hehe I'm an insta-fan.

alpharat said...

Wow. It's amazing that they'll let any illiterate moron on the Interwebs... and I am of course referring to some of your commenters, Jocelyn, and not you.

You, my dear, rule.

Anonymous said...

so you have got a 3 yr old who keeps asking questions.
a kid who likes High School Musical and hugs.
and the only one you are proud of is the 15 year old who is pregnant?

i think that if that is the way you are looking at things then you are totally unfit to be a mother and they shud be taken into loving and caring families.

Ben said...

I knew this one would get some good comments! Fucking hilarious.

Anonymous said...

A friend of mine used a similar method, she cultured some conjunctivitis and kept it in a pail, bad kids get the pink eye bucket so they can feel some of the pain that jesus did, and she could be left alone with her collection of crystals. passive aggressive compliance enablers for all kids!

Audrey said...

I love you! Your commentators terrify me.

Anonymouse said...

I remember when I was young (must've been before I started getting my periods), my mom would stick me with babysitting my little sisters..

they were like, always following me around, wanting to dress like me, wear my lipstick, etc.. until I just wanted to slap them..
so I would tell them that I would play hide-and-seek if they gave me back my diaphragm.
mom had pretty much sold or traded all the furniture for crack, so the only place they could hide, was in the closet.
I would jam the door shut and tell them the bed must have "accidentally fallen".
they were too young to know any different and I could play nintendo for hours without them bothering me much.

the "indifference stick" is a good idea and all,
except that you have to stand there and hold the other end of the stick..
and that's no fun

you might try making brandon wear pink panties and telling him, "if you're going to act like a girlie, you have to dress like one"
it'll achieve the same effect, only faster

by the same token,
don't let jailen leave to go to the bathroom.
having to clean up after herself is far more effective, and easier in the long run

Anonymous said...

you are either a true skank or a literary genius.

If any of this is real, you need put away and your children sent to foster care.

Anonymous said...

"she is a fucking dumbass. But what do you expect from treailer trash. She proboly had to be kicked out of school in first grade because the teacher felt she was to stupid to learn. After all, who would expect there teenager to go party like a whore with parents. But then again, she needs the money."

I am just going to assume that English is not your first language....

Anonymous said...

You need to go somewhere and take a parenting class. Most of the things the kids mentioned here are doing are typical of their current ages and stages of development. The irritating stuff is caused by you because you fail to meet the needs of your children and always put yourself first. They need attention and you provide only the negative, therefore they accept that as better than no attention at all. It is entirely your fault. As the Mom of two kids of my own, and two foster children whose families felt as you do and threw their "irritating" children away. I can tell you that their children have provided me with some of lifes greatest blessings. The kids that they threw away and thought were trash, are wonderful fabulous people. And the Mama's who gave them away now wish they could have them back, but guess what when you grow up and see the light it will be too late, they won't have any use for you.

Anonymous said...

Really. Your 15 year old daughter is pregnant. At least she's more responsible for her age compared to you.

Anonymous said...

I was a forster child and my momma raised me the same way.Ain't nothin wrong with it.

Remember; Only YOU can prevent forster fires!