My little bundle of joy!

I'd like to introduce the world to my new baby boy, Orenthal James Plumbs! My boyfriend Phil was kind enough to sign the birth certificate even though he isn't the real father. We're planning on moving in together and starting a new family. Soon we'll be married and my life will be stable again!



I didn't expect to have the baby so early! I'd gone out with my friends that night, and we were bar hopping all around Shockoe Bottom. I was so stoned on good weed that I didn't feel like drinking very much, but I did feel like finding some action! So I ditched my friends and left with this chubby frat boy I met at Tiki Bob's Cantina.

The kid took me back to his apartment, and we ate a whole bag of Cool Ranch Doritos. I convinced him to try these crazy semen pills I bought that are designed to increase the volume of ejaculate. We finished simultaneously, despite his poor sexual performance, and I was left sitting in a puddle. At first I thought it was just the pills, but then I realized that my water had broke!

I knew I had to move fast, so I smoked a cigarette, took a quick shower, and walked four blocks back to my van. I've had enough kids to know when they're about to pop out, so I thought I had time to stop at the McDonald's drive-thru for a snack wrap on my way to the hospital. Once I got through the line I headed straight to the emergency room. But suddenly it really started to hurt! Either this baby was on the way out, or my urinary tract infection was trying to kill me!

I knew then that there was no way I was going to make it to the hospital in time! So I drove a few blocks over to this physical rehab facility for the elderly that I had to bring Mother to a few years ago when she hurt her back. I pulled into the driveway and rammed my van into the door. I felt like I had to hold the baby in with my hands as I hobbled down the hall and leaped into one of the hydrotherapy tubs.

As soon as I hit the water I was giving birth to my new baby boy! What's weird is how that part didn't hurt at all! After a couple minutes of recovery time, I scooped him up in my fake fur coat and we headed for the hospital to be checked out. On my way there I called Phil and told him to meet us. Despite my joy, I did feel a bit sorry for whoever has to clean up that floater I left in the therapy tub.

Learn some strip club etiquette!

Before I met my ex-husband, and before my first kid was born, I used to do a bit of stripping at one of Richmond's fine Southside gentlemen's clubs. So I think I'm more than qualified to teach you no account fools some of the finer points of properly conducting yourselves in a strip club environment.

The most important thing is tipping. Just because you paid a cover charge doesn't mean that you're "covered"! You guys need to tip each dancer for each dance! That's why they're coming around to every table after every performance. The standard tip is $0.50 per dance (a roll of pennies will do). An extra 15% should be added if the routine included ass clapping.

As for the women, the rule is the same, unless you're there with your man. In that circumstance you do not need to tip. We get so much satisfaction from being sexier to your man than you are that the bitchy scowls from you and your stupid best friend you brought along are payment enough! Just make sure you watch your mouth. It would be a shame if somebody cut that pretty face of yours!

Another thing you need to know is that we always come to work, even when we're sick. I've stripped while fighting a flu, or even when suffering from really bad gas! During my very first week on the job I accidentally farted right in a guy's face during a private dance! I figured it would be okay because I was wearing a spandex Catwoman suit, and cats are notorious for that. He didn't agree, so I told the bouncers that he groped me, and they threw him skull-first onto the pavement outside.

There's one question that I'm gonna answer even before you ask it: Yes, strippers are always available for sex in exchange for money! That's really how they make ends meet! And I can tell you right now that if you don't get to insert a finger during a private dance, you got ripped off! Hell, one time I gave an ex-convict a dry handjob in exchange for a half pack of cigarettes. It ain't no thang!

Some customers will make proposals of this sort when the girls are coming around for their tips. That's okay, but not ideal. The best way is to approach them in the parking lot when they're getting off their shift. Show her that you're carrying a large black plastic trash bag, so she'll see that there's somewhere to keep her purse and soiled dance costumes while she's workin' you over!

Of course that's not enough for some guys. Some of y'all want to learn how to date one of those sexy strippers you see on stage. That requires cocaine. Get yourself a dealer, and enough cash to keep a steady supply. Before you know it, you'll be one of those guys in his late forties who's moving in with a stripper in her late twenties who wears low rise jeans with stretched out thongs that ride halfway up her back.

The nastiest hotel in Richmond!

I was drinking down at Stool Pidgeons last night and hooked up with a dude named Rodney. We was hongry, so we headed next door to Buffalo Wild Wings and picked up a massive pack of wings to go. Then I drove us to a hotel over by the Richfood Dairy. Muffin, my rottie, was with us too, because I like to have him when I go downtown so he can protect the car.

We opened the door to our room and were immediately hit in the face with the smell of stale urine and thrice fried beans. I lit up a Black & Mild to mask the odor. There were two queen-sized beds, so we hopped into one of them and ate our wings. Since we still had a clean bed to go to, we just threw the saucy bones under the covers as we ate, and used the top of the bed sheet as a napkin.

Muffin was growling and digging at something under the other bed, which turned out to be a wad of nasty discarded hair extensions. I grabbed it from his mouth, opened the door of the room, and threw it off into the parking lot. That's when I noticed that the chain lock was broken on the door. I wasn't happy about having to rely on just the one cheap little doorknob lock in this sketchy-ass hotel!

Rodney is an electrician, and he handily rewired the wall near the TV so we could watch some porno and have it charged to the neighboring room. I love a man whose good with his hands! He also made sure that the clean bed was set up properly for us. The pillows looked like they had been shoved together and humped by a horse, so he swapped them out for the ones on the chicken wing bed.

We started kissing, and moved onto the bed for some messy, rough sex! It's nice to be able to really go crazy because it's not your bed! Rodney's toolbox also contained a few goodies. We broke out a jar of marmalade and everything! When we were done I wiped my rear end with the comforter and chucked it under a chair.

Sleep was hard to come by because there were people talking outside our door all night long. It sounded like someone leaned on our door at one point, and later someone even had the balls to try our doorknob! Luckily the lock held, and Muffin barked like a maniac to scare them away. We were able to safely huddle together in the stench and misery of that room until dawn.

We decided to get out of there early. We both have jobs to get to anyway. Rather than turn the key back in I decided to sublet the room to some meth addicts who we found creeping around the parking lot. Now I'm itching like crazy, and my back hurts. I'm pretty sure that crappy mattress was one giant scabies nest.

Down South frumpin'!

Tomorrow I'll officially be 5 months pregnant! That means it's time to get my frump on in a big way! You can get away with so much more when you've got that motherly glow, and I'll be taking full advantage. I've got enough problems right now without having to worry about finding hot fashionable clothing that'll fit me for a week or two, then doing it all again. I'm no longer interested in impressing those slags at work anyway.

It seems like just yesterday that I met that drunk fool at Cary Street Cafe. It was April 20th, so I knocked off work early and headed in there to see if anyone had any weed. I left with the one guy who had some (I was determined to smoke at 4:20 on 4/20!). We toked it up in his van, and it was some good shit! It must have been, because that's the only way I could ever be seduced by such a nasty bastard!

So that was the magic night, and now I'm paying the price! Besides the sweating and constant pressure on my pelvis, I'm just tired as hell. The doctor told me to cut out the coffee, so I've been limiting myself to just two venti Frappuccinos per day. It's damn near killing me! Y'all know I need my Frapps! I can't stand that doctor either. Every time I walk out of his office the crotch of my panties are literally sopping with medical lube!

Aside from the caffeine consideration, I'm really just letting myself go to tha fullest until all this unpleasantness is over. I'm smoking about a carton of Montclair menthol 100s per week, and eating my weight in generic cold cuts. I've been spending so much time laying up on the couch that my living room is starting to smell like a nasty wheelchair cushion. I'm also wearing the same old stained maternity sweatpants for days at a time. With a few more spills they might just pass for camouflage!

You can find me in the club!

So last night I dumped the kids off at Mom's place and headed out for a night on the town. I'm a dedicated mother, but that doesn't mean that I don't like to go out and get my drank on! I've been back to my usual club since my ex-husband Kevin stopped going there. I started enough nasty rumors about him there that he can't get no play!

This place plays the best music in town. After a couple of drinks you can't stop me from shakin' my crazy ass all over that dance floor. I get nasty out there too! If the mood is right you might even catch me clappin' my 'donk all up on some sexy strangers! Things were going pretty good for me, on the dance floor and off. I was getting a good amount of attention, getting offers for drinks, followed by offers for a ride home! But you know I wasn't ready to go yet! I was havin' fun drinking, and the night was still young!

I ran out of smokes, so I ordered a fresh pack from the bartender, along with another shot of liquor. That bastard came back with my cigarettes , but said I was cut off from liquor. He even claimed that I was slurring and swearing a lot, but I disagreed. I grabbed the pack with one hand, swept a few drinks off of the bar with the back of my other hand, and yelled "fuck you then!". One of the drinks was a White Russian, and it got all over this one girl's nice black dress. I apologized briefly, but I'm sorry, she was just an unfortunate victim of this rude bartender!

I made my way to the bathroom, and that's when I realized how high I was. I almost fell forward off the toilet, which caused me to piss all over the seat. When I came out the club's bouncer was standing there ready to escort me out the door. I was feeling dizzy, so I didn't really mind too much. When I started heading to my car this handsome fellow started chatting me up. He complimented my good looks and offered to drive me home. How could I say no?

I pretty much blacked out the rest of the night, so I can't tell you much more about what happened. I woke up in my own bed, and he was gone. I'm fairly certain that we made love. The side of the bed he had been on was soiled with filth, so he must have been unwashed to the point that I suspect he may have been homeless. Another sign that he was a no account fool is that he didn't leave me any money on the dresser. And I'm pretty sure he stole our DVD player

Girls' night out!

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