Friday, September 19

Down South frumpin'!

Tomorrow I'll officially be 5 months pregnant! That means it's time to get my frump on in a big way! You can get away with so much more when you've got that motherly glow, and I'll be taking full advantage. I've got enough problems right now without having to worry about finding hot fashionable clothing that'll fit me for a week or two, then doing it all again. I'm no longer interested in impressing those slags at work anyway.

It seems like just yesterday that I met that drunk fool at Cary Street Cafe. It was April 20th, so I knocked off work early and headed in there to see if anyone had any weed. I left with the one guy who had some (I was determined to smoke at 4:20 on 4/20!). We toked it up in his van, and it was some good shit! It must have been, because that's the only way I could ever be seduced by such a nasty bastard!

So that was the magic night, and now I'm paying the price! Besides the sweating and constant pressure on my pelvis, I'm just tired as hell. The doctor told me to cut out the coffee, so I've been limiting myself to just two venti Frappuccinos per day. It's damn near killing me! Y'all know I need my Frapps! I can't stand that doctor either. Every time I walk out of his office the crotch of my panties are literally sopping with medical lube!

Aside from the caffeine consideration, I'm really just letting myself go to tha fullest until all this unpleasantness is over. I'm smoking about a carton of Montclair menthol 100s per week, and eating my weight in generic cold cuts. I've been spending so much time laying up on the couch that my living room is starting to smell like a nasty wheelchair cushion. I'm also wearing the same old stained maternity sweatpants for days at a time. With a few more spills they might just pass for camouflage!

5 comments:

Lena LaFaye said...

Now seriously, that's just wrong. I hate mothers who have no regard for the baby they carry!

Ben said...

Jocelyn, will you marry me?

TheresaClare said...

hahaha fabulous

Anonymous said...

That baby gonna make you too fat pretty soon. Is it too late for the coat hanger?

Anonymous said...

How is it that John McCain passed you by as a Vice-President pick?