Friday, September 26

Don't tell me about my kids!

They just had Open House night at my son's school. I wasn't going to go, but my son's teacher sent him home with a special note asking me to attend. I showed up in my curlers and house dress, because I wasn't expecting this to be an interrogation. That horrible bitch was all over my case, talking about "genuine concerns regarding my children's welfare", and all that nonsense! I was able to ease her worries to some satisfaction, but damn! Can't it wait until Parent-Teacher Conference night?

I swear, some people act like I'm some kind of monster! But I'm more of a traditional mom than some of you may think. I write my kids' names on their sandwiches and cut the crusts off their underwear just like the good book says! And even if I fill up on Arby's before I get home, and the kids are asking what's for dinner, I always remind them to go next door to see what grandma got.

My children aren't exactly runnin' wild, y'all! For one thing, they're learning discipline through hard work. Just last week my teenage daughter had to fix the electric stove in the kitchen because she used my last condom. And my three year old was such a terror at the Social Security office yesterday that I'm making her wash the van this weekend. These types of punishments are more effective than spanking, and build character which lasts a lifetime.

When I spend time with my kids, it's quality time! I make sure that they're learning what they need to know to get by in this world. They learn how to make friends with kids whose parents have prescription pads lying around. I teach them how to place confusing orders at McDonald's so they can get their food for free when it comes back wrong. Or how to roll a cigarette out of discarded butts and single-ply toilet paper.

I also tell them things that effectively turn them against their father, regardless of whether those things are true or not. Like, even though he always pays child support on time, I tell them that he doesn't, and that's why I have to cut their hair with a Flowbee. Hell, even if he eventually gains visitation rights though the courts, he'll be sorry when the kids look right in his face and call him a "deadbeat"!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

I hear what you are saying! It is so difficult to raise a child these days. Especially with all the laws against buying them liquor to keep the quiet and out of the way.

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, you are absolutely priceless and I have yet to read a blog funnier than yours!

Unlike the dim-bulbs posting scathing comments about your parenting and social skills, I have fully functioning brain cells which allow me to detect admirable qualities such as: caustic wit, sarcasm, and a severely twisted sense of humor.

After I post my comment, I'm sending your links to my friends and sisters. As they appreciate outlandish, absurd humor, I'm sure they will enjoy your entries as much as I do.

Keep on blogging, you hear?

Your kindred spirit,

The Evil Twin ;p

P.S. Your hyphenated name and the "missing" tooth are truly the sprinkles on my cupcake - LOL!

Elizabeth James said...

Not the Flowbee...I have a kid who could use the Flowbee and one who may be washing my van this weekend...

Alex said...

I kept wondering why people kept linking me to this site- I haven't laughed out loud at anything I've seen on the web in a while :)

TrenchWolfhound said...

Ya gotta raise the kids right. Parents are too pansy on their kids, these days. What is this 'time out'? Your methods are better than the traditional spanking. They do teach some real life skills. And, they get some work accomplished at the same time. Two birds, one stone. You should write a book on child rearing. Teachers are all hyper sensative, these days. Complete ass holes. I think you're doing a fine job.

annacakes79 said...

Oh, GOD! The Flowbee! I remember when my best friend got on the school bus with his Flowbee hair cut in the 9nth grade! I laughed til I cried!

Anonymous said...

While your columns seem to be be filled with sarcasm, even kidding about the "deadbeat" father shit is wrong. It's cunts like you who fuck up little kids by telling them Dad is worthless while you spend child support on your self. Go burn in hell you piece of shit.

Anonymous said...

I effen LOVE you Jocelyn!!! I haven't laughed out loud @ something I've read in sooooo long however I do every single time I read one of your blogs. You're awesome. Never quit.

Anonymous said...

You're a piece of shit.

Turning your kid's against the father like that? There's a special place for you in hell.

You're a good mother? You're someone other mothers look at and then feel good about themselves because at least they know that there is always someone worse off than they are.

I've been reading several of your entries since I'm bored and as a person you make me feel physicly sick to my stomach. What on earth could have gone so wrong in your life to transform you into this monster?

Get a grip lady, your a mom, so stop acting like a child.