I'm really starting to regret poking that hole in Re'quan's condom, because now he's gone, and I'm still stuck with this pregnancy. This has been my worst one yet. My back hurts like hell, and the only things I've been able to hold down are raw hot dogs and oysters. Soon the baby will be born, and I'll have a whole new set of problems. But I think kids are still easier to handle than most pets I've encountered. And at least kids allow me to collect welfare, child support, and tax exemptions.
Two months ago I was in the PetSmart trying to find a leash I could use at the mall to keep track of my 3-year-old daughter. I came across a display cage of gerbils and decided that the kids could use a new pet. I guess I should had asked for the microwaveable kind, because before I knew it I was pulling a dead gerbil out of our microwave. They had even stuck him in a Hot Pocket crisping sleeve beforehand! I swear, my children are too precocious for their own good!
You might remember from an earlier post about how I got the kids a dog for Christmas, but we ended up having to get rid of it. Well I had a change of heart about pet dogs when we found a stray Rottweiler out in the woods behind Chesterfield Auto Parts. He seemed to be pretty happy with us, except the other night when it bit the hell out of my son's arm, who was napping on the couch at the time. Phil said I should get rid of the damn thing, but I kind of like knowing that this dog could protect us with violence if necessary! Still, the co-pay on those stitches are gonna run me a good $100!
I've always had bad luck when it comes to pets, even when they don't belong to me! One time when I was driving the van to Rent-A-Center to make a payment, I hit a goddamn cat! It was a nice residential neighborhood, so I knew I wasn't supposed to just leave the thing in the road. It's important to try to advise the owner in these situations. So I carefully wrapped it up in a couple of plastic Food Lion bags and placed it in one of the nearby curbside mailboxes. I figured if the cat didn't belong to that family then they'd probably know which of their neighbors it belonged to and they'd let them know.
In conclusion, my advice is to stick with kids instead of pets. Kids can climb on counters and open cupboards to feed themselves, and let themselves outside to go to the bathroom. Pets are needy, they always want attention, and they're so stupid that they'll just dart out into traffic. Also, you can't occupy a pet by sticking it in front of a television.
This lady knows what I'm talking about.