Monday, September 1

The trouble with pets!

I'm really starting to regret poking that hole in Re'quan's condom, because now he's gone, and I'm still stuck with this pregnancy. This has been my worst one yet. My back hurts like hell, and the only things I've been able to hold down are raw hot dogs and oysters. Soon the baby will be born, and I'll have a whole new set of problems. But I think kids are still easier to handle than most pets I've encountered. And at least kids allow me to collect welfare, child support, and tax exemptions.

Two months ago I was in the PetSmart trying to find a leash I could use at the mall to keep track of my 3-year-old daughter. I came across a display cage of gerbils and decided that the kids could use a new pet. I guess I should had asked for the microwaveable kind, because before I knew it I was pulling a dead gerbil out of our microwave. They had even stuck him in a Hot Pocket crisping sleeve beforehand! I swear, my children are too precocious for their own good!

You might remember from an earlier post about how I got the kids a dog for Christmas, but we ended up having to get rid of it. Well I had a change of heart about pet dogs when we found a stray Rottweiler out in the woods behind Chesterfield Auto Parts. He seemed to be pretty happy with us, except the other night when it bit the hell out of my son's arm, who was napping on the couch at the time. Phil said I should get rid of the damn thing, but I kind of like knowing that this dog could protect us with violence if necessary! Still, the co-pay on those stitches are gonna run me a good $100!

I've always had bad luck when it comes to pets, even when they don't belong to me! One time when I was driving the van to Rent-A-Center to make a payment, I hit a goddamn cat! It was a nice residential neighborhood, so I knew I wasn't supposed to just leave the thing in the road. It's important to try to advise the owner in these situations. So I carefully wrapped it up in a couple of plastic Food Lion bags and placed it in one of the nearby curbside mailboxes. I figured if the cat didn't belong to that family then they'd probably know which of their neighbors it belonged to and they'd let them know.

In conclusion, my advice is to stick with kids instead of pets. Kids can climb on counters and open cupboards to feed themselves, and let themselves outside to go to the bathroom. Pets are needy, they always want attention, and they're so stupid that they'll just dart out into traffic. Also, you can't occupy a pet by sticking it in front of a television.

This lady knows what I'm talking about.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Girl, you can eat them things. You just fry them in a pan with the Crisco or some margareen. Mmmmmm-mmm, yum!

Anonymous said...

A no-nonsense person? I see plenty of nonsense.

Anonymous said...

Anonymous #2 is a bit thick.

DEATH2CRKHOES said...

Wow, I just wanted to say that Jocelyn, you deserveto have your kids taken from you. You are an unfit mother. From you picture you also look like you have downsyndrome, you should get that missing tooth looked atr too.

Your post is FULL of top quality crackwhore comments;

"Im really starting to regret poking that hole in Re'quan's condom, because now he's gone, and I'm still stuck with this pregnancy"

"at least kids allow me to collect welfare, child support, and tax exemptions."

"I was in the PetSmart trying to find a leash I could use at the mall to keep track of my 3-year-old daughter."

You know you can buy a leash thats especially made for kids....Their not dogs...although you are.

GO DIE CRACKWHORE.

Mr. Sinister said...

We went and saw Kangaroo Jack a few years back (Christopher Walken kicked ass!) and we could only afford to get one kid in the movie with us. We were lucky enough to find some discarded chain link fence behind the old K-Mart, we had the kids situate so inside the van so it kept them and the pets safe and sound locked for the duration of the movie.

Cheap, effective and a great movie to boot!

Anonymouse said...

I know if you cook mice too long in the microwave, sometimes they pop.
I never thought of putting them in a hot-pockets sleeve before (good tip, thank you)
we re-use them anyhow, so I reckon it'll be easy way for brats to store the left-overs

and ignore that death-croaker,
dog leashes are WAY cheaper and you can get them with rhinestones and stuff.

Michael said...

"I'm really starting to regret poking that hole in Re'quan's condom, because now he's gone, and I'm still stuck with this pregnancy."

I hate you

Karminou said...

It makes me angry when a grown human say "animals are stupid, they throw themselves out on the road"... It takes more than 18 years for a human to understand how to drive... it takes more than 5 years to get to handle a bicycle..When you learned to drive did they tell you that you should not expect anything on the roads,like trees, trash or geez, animals...duh! You should stay away from any living being, that includes the kids from holes in condoms..(by the way,it's the ugliest thing to do, to a man and to a kid)..
Speaking of holes, you should try putting a Chicklet in the one you're so proudly exposing. How can you expect kids to take you seriously when you ask them to take care of their teeth.