Wednesday, September 3

My first sex toy party!

I decided it was time for me and the girls to get together again for some drinks and laughs. It's been a good while since our ill fated girls' night out! This time I thought of doing something at home instead, like a game night, or maybe a make-up party. I was asking some of the folks at work for ideas, and that ho Shirl suggested that I throw a sex toy party! She explained that it was like a Tupperware or candle sales party, but with vibrators and stuff. I could even get some free items for hosting it!

So I ordered the party kit from a sex toy company, and picked up some refreshments for the guests. I got a nice big box of wine, and some healthy snacks, like Costco pizza, and a package of Li'l Smokies. I also had my mom make some sperm shaped cookies. I even whipped up a giant bowl of pudding that we could use to demonstrate the toys in!

Jenna, Karen, and Bethany all showed up on time, and Shirl showed up late (I invited her to be the official "sexpert' for the event). I also invited my mom, and Jenna's new sister-in-law, Sherita. We started things off with a few glasses of Franzia, and I put on my K-fed CD to get us in the mood to open up. Sometimes the subject of sex can be uncomfortable, so it's nice to get a few drinks in first. Before long we were talking about all the freaky men we've been with, and all the strange places we've given birth!

Once we were all done with the snacks it was time to break out the goodies! They sent us a few samples of everything! Even that awesome lube that uses chemicals to cause a sexy burning sensation! I started things off by picking out a set of Harley Davidson nipple clamps for Phil, and we all had a good laugh. Jenna went for a glow-in-the-dark cock ring for her new husband, which kind of made me sentimental for when Kevin and I first got hitched! Karen bought a Magic Bullet, and immediately put it away in her purse.

We had fun checking everything out and passing them around. Then we got to the most expensive item of all, a hard rubber member they call "The Great American Challenge"! It was so big that the demonstration Shirl put on managed to break a full-sized Hubbard squash right in two! Heather made a joke about how it reminded her of that guy Devon that she met at Mulligan's. That's when we found out that Devon was Shirl's husband! I didn't even know she was married!

So, as you might have guessed, the party was officially over. Sherita got the hell out of there without even saying goodbye. We could barely pull Shirl's clenched fist out of Heather's hair just to split them apart! In the midst of the scuffle our new rottweiler ran into the living room and took off with a brand new $30 double-ender! Now it's all chewed up, so I'll end up having to pay for it!

We sent Shirl home, and I told Heather she could spend the night because she was afraid to go outside. Jenna's husband came and picked her up. Karen left, but ended up calling me 10 minutes later because she had gotten anxious to try that Magic Bullet and ended up driving her Chevy Cavalier into a ditch.

As part of the kit, the sex toy company gave me some weird string of beads and a vibrating butterfly thing as a gift for hosting the event, but the butterfly stopped working after about 2 minutes. This whole "sex toy party" experience left me feeling pretty disappointed.


Jephy said...

Currently sitting at my desk in tears. Hilarious.

torgo jr. said...

not only is this the funniest shiat i've ever read, but you are one HAWT momma!

Anonymous said...

That was hilarious. Maybe next time it should be one of those pole dance lesson parties where they bring the pole to your house and stuff. :)

Anonymous said...

You're an idiot and a whore.

Anonymous said...

That is so far from the way a real sex toy party is. Sounds like you guys are a bunch of real trashy women, or at least you are if you think thats how they go.

Anonymous said...

"As part of the kit, the sex toy company gave me some weird string of beads"
THOSE GO IN YOUR BUM. google image that shit, they are called anal beads.
also you sound trashy you know with the whole "ealthy snacks, like Costco pizza, and a package of Li'l Smokies. "
and the "and all the strange places we've given birth!" made me lol so hard at your white trash ass that my drink actually came out my nose just a bit.

jason said...

all right - im over a year late to this post, but this is the funniest blog ever.

what the hell is a "magic bullet"? haha.

The said...

Great story. It must have taken you a lot of courage to post it. Would you consider learning how to squirt and writing about your experiences? Any woman can do it. We can provide you an editorial copy of "Squirt Your Heart Out" if you would be willing to blog about it.

Christina said...

Great story! Two questions: (1)Which company did you go through? (2) What was the pudding for?