Monday, September 8

Supermarket smackdown!

Sunday is such a crappy day to shop around here. Ukrop's is closed, so every other supermarket in town is packed to the gills. Just moving around inside these stores can be frustrating when it's that busy. I get it over with as quickly as possible by cranking through there like a crazy woman. I breeze past produce, grab a yummy creme cake from the bakery, and head up to the deli meat counter.

Once I'm up there I tell them to give me a pound of whatever bologna is cheapest, and I check my voicemails on my cell phone while I wait for them to slice. I guess the deli clerk decided on the thickness for me because when he put the pile of meat up on the scale I noticed that it was sliced way too thin! He said I had nodded when he held up the first slice, but I don't think so! I told him he needed to slice it again, way thicker! This ain't no sandwich bologna, friend! This here's fryin' bologna!

Next I swung over to the meat department for a tube of ground beef and some chicken breast. I know that type of beef keeps getting recalled, but it's so damn good! And meat prices are so high that I can't afford not to buy a ton of chicken breast when it's on sale. While I was doing that I sent the kids ahead for other items we needed. My three year old came running back from the dairy and dropped a goddamn gallon jug of milk in front of the meat department's cutting room door!

I quickly shuffled her along with me towards the freezer section before anybody noticed what had happened. On our way towards the registers I caught my other two kids having a "pillow fight" with family -sized bags of Tostitos. I swear, these kids are such a handful sometimes! I sent them to play over by the entrance door so they'd be out of my way while I took care of things at the register. My blood started to boil as soon as I noticed how long those damn lines were! They really needed to open another register!

I got to the end of a pretty long line of people, and started to scope out the situation. Sure enough, there was another cashier carrying a till out from behind the service desk. I wasn't the only one who notice, so I quickly made my move, and thanks to some product displays that were set up by the front end I was able to dominate the space, block all those fools out, and get in her lane before anyone else!

I dumped my stuff on the belt and moved over in front of the cashier. I made her slow down while she was ringing things up because I like to see each price come up on the screen to see if it is the same as how I remembered it on the shelf tags. I also have to watch those sneaky baggers to make sure they give me "paper inside double plastic"! When the cashier was done I reached into my purse for my food assistance card, only to realize that it was in my other purse! She was nice enough to hold the line while I ran out to the car to get my checkbook.

I made it back inside rather quickly, because I always borrow Phil's handicap parking tag to help me with my errands. I grabbed a pen from the cashier and started filling out the check. Some guy behind me with a six pack and a big bag of cereal let out a groan, then grabbed his stuff off of the belt and started moving to another register. As the belt moved again I heard some people at the back of the line complain because there was juice all over the place. Apparently one of my chicken breast packages had gotten punctured!

As I pushed my cart away from the bagging area, I was still seething from that guy who had decided to change registers so rudely. He just had to groan out loud to express his displeasure, and y'all know I don't play that shit! I followed him outside, and put my stuff in the side of our van, as he was putting his beer and stuff in the bed of his truck. Then he started heading over to the CVS. This was my chance!

I started the van and put the kids inside. Then I casually pushed my cart over near his truck. I looked around, saw that no one was really looking, and shoved it towards his truck with all my might! I was running back towards the van when I heard it T-bone the side of his Tacoma with the resounding noise that only a metal shopping cart can make. That piece of shit will think twice next time he decides to give me attitude! I'm almost old enough to be his mother!


Anonymous said...

Wow I really enjoyed your sex toy party article that I happened to pass and decided to add your blog to my feed reader and then I read this. Your shopping etiquette is horrible. I used to work in a grocery store as a deli clerk and a cashier back in the day and all of the things you did make minimum wage hell even worse. You should have told someone about the spill as to prevent injuries to other customers and the workers in the meat department who might not have a good warning before they slip and fall. As for the deli incident it is just as bad. Maybe had you wanted your baloney sliced the way YOU wanted you should have waited the 5 minutes to check your voicemail and gave the clerk your attention like they gave you theirs. You created waste, they wont be able to sell, and will be forced to throw it out because of store policy. As for leaving your kid unattended at the front of the store--Humph! I'd like to remind you that the clerks at the front of the store are not babysitters so had anything happened to your children, you would have no one to blame but yourself. If they are such handfuls leave them with a relative/husband/partner etc. If that isn't possible deal with them yourself. You chose to have them and shouldn't try to pawn them off on teenagers who are already angsty enough without someones kids to keep an eye on. Please use common sense in the future. This post made you sound completely oblivious, and I was a bit disappointed.

Anonymous said...

I didn't even finish reading the article because it made me so angry before and I did this time so here is my update: I have no qualms in saying that you are bitch and shouldn't be allowed in public. It was worth the bad karma to say that.

Anonymous said...

You go girl! Love your blog.

Anonymous said...

Dear former deli clerk,

People like Jocelyn are the reason you have a job! She taught that deli clerk a valuable lesson. He wasted that meat by making assumptions and not listening to the customer. She kept the janitor from sitting on his ass all day. And I bet that you aren't a parent!!! Grocery stores, movie stores, liquor stores, malls, and petstores are all the ideal place for your kid to get some exercise and for you to get a break!!!

Anonymous said...

You are, quite clearly, a cunt! Your kids are probably picking up all of your habits as well. The universe does not revolve around you. Too bad someone wasn't there to tell you that when you were your kid's age, otherwise you may have turned out decent.

Ando said...

Wow, you're a real cunt lady.

Anonymous said...

Jesus, you ram some guy's car with a cart just because he sighed? What a bitch! PS your name is 'testes' hehehehe. And you look like Alfred E Neuman

Anonymous said...

People like you are the reason I never venture into the city unless I need to. You think just because you're a woman you can get away with messing someone's vehicle up because they were rightly incensed by your constant breaches of shopping etiquette? If I caught you doing that I would follow you home, find out where you lived, and slash your god damn tires. You don't mess with a man's vehicle unless you're prepared for some payback, especially over some garbage reason like you being a forgetful bitch. He had two items for Christ's sake, let him get out of there. You already said how long the lines were.


Anonymous said...

Damn, this has to be a put on. You sound like real fvckin winnar! And it sounds like ur kids need an ass-whoopin. If you did that sh!t to my truck I would hope you were a "no-nonsense" woman bcos you'd have a beatdown coming...Ike Turner style!!

Anonymous said...

I feel sorry for your kids: they deserve a better mother.
And I feel sorry for your neighborhood too. I cannot even imagine how bad is for them to see you hanging around their houses.
Actually I feel sorry for whole North America, even thinking of the remote possibility of meeting you make me vomit.
Please do not leave your country anywhere soon, and especially do not ever come to Europe.

Anonymous said...

Holy crap shit your a complete ass, I can't believe you would do half of that shit, and in front of your kids... yeah real good parenting there, I'm glad to see you teaching by example ;) way to go.

Anonymous said...

About the deli clerk, you shouldn't have been on the damn phone, bitch.
It's your damn fault he sliced it "too thin". Shut the fuck up and take your meat, and stop stuffing your fat ass with creme cakes.

Secondly, you could at least control your hellion kids. Damn, it takes the I.Q. of a used tampon to tell someone that there's a spill. Don't just fucking leave it there.

I don't know if you've ever had a minimum wage job or not, but people like you make those of us forced (teenagers, uneducated, retired) to work in shit situations hate our lives even more. Stop and think of someone else before stuffing your fat trap, you gluttonous pig.

The only part of this story that I sympathize with you on is the line-cutting thing. Everyone cuts in line, so no big deal. However, you don't deserve food stamps if you're going to go out and spend only God knows how much on cigarettes and liquor (referring to your post, "You can find me in the club!"). How about respecting tax payers and using the money for something you need, not creme cakes to make your already fat ass even fatter.

Given the line-cutting (which was excused), the fact that you have no respect for someone else's property which is a complete disgrace. You are truly a bitch in all contexts.

Anonymous said...

stop wasting our oxygen.

Anonymous said...


You tell us to mind our own 'bizzness' yet you make yours publicly available. Duh?

Anyway I hope you live deep out in Midlothian so that I don't accidentally share the same airspace as you.

Your ex-husband was a dipshit for procreating with you in the first place. I respect his decision to leave you, but he may still need to be smacked around on general principle for being with you in the first place.

May all the lines at the welfare office, dmv, and utility companies be long for you.

Anonymous said...

Are you for real? I hope to never meet someone so self-absorbed as you.

Anonymous said...

bwaaah! Just how many gullible dumb-asses are reading this blog? Be sure to leave an anonymous hate-filled comment...someone is keeping score!
Keep up the good work Jocelyn!!

Anonymous said...

No shit, I can't believe the how naive people are who don't get this blog? Jesus, we live in a country of dumb ass deli clerks worried about spills..

Lantern Bearer said...

I like grochre stores. When me and Bit Kat go into one together we can finish 12 of them Blue Moons (that beer from Denmark) on a bread, milk and canned chilli run. We almost got caught at that one in Sanibel oncet. It was getting ugly until Kat thowed a wad of then Hewlett Packard hunerts he likes to carry around up in the air. That dam store is up on one of them tidal surge decks and we had to shinny down a back way. We didn't even try to use the first boat we borried after that.

TiaHermanaMaggie said...

Oh boy, are you ever right about those supermarkets! One time, I brought my little boy in with me to shop. The next thing I know, I'm getting a whole load of lip from some snooty old bat, just because my boy was riding his skateboard up and down the aisles. Well, we live on a dirt road, for chrissake! Where ELSE is he supposed to use his skateboard?

MaryLou Moonsucker

HootHootHope said...

Jocelyn, I think you're freaking hilarious and awesome. Everyone leaving the ridiculous "hater" comments, get a life! Seriously, go away.

Anonymous said...

ur a bitch

Anonymous said...

Jocelyn, you messed up real bad when you smashed a cart into that guys truck and ran away. Everyone knows you're supposed to grab the beer first, THEN hightail it on out of there.

Anonymous said...

For all those people calling Jocelyn nasty names - please stop, it is not her fault the way she is.

However, I must say that we have a civic duty to point out the error of her ways so that she would not repeat her bad behavior. I agree that torturing the deli clerk & running a shopping cart to someones car is not a good christian way to behave, so Jocelyn - if you read this - please do not do that again & also please try to take better care of your children while in public


Anonymous said...

I love your writing style, but the way you act and treat others is something that you should be ashamed of. I work in a grocery store, and you're one of the people I love to double charge!

Anonymouse said...

2nd Sept 10 Anonymous:
well he started it !
she didn't make him move into her line
and would you be so kind as to tell me the NAME of this book of "shopping etiquette" that she's supposedly breaching ?
or are you just "making it up" as you go along ?
you sound like some kind of wack-job stalker to ME
thank you for NOT "venturing into the city unless you need to".

and what are you guys sniveling about ?
you have insurance
if you don't like your job get a DIFFERENT one !
and quit taking your pathetic lives out on honest americans
and for your information, the rest of the world can't see difference between her actions and yours.

man ! I can't believe how many people are so jealous of you, just because you have the initiative to make sure you're the first in line !
the only reason they're so pissed off is because they don't have the guts to stick up for themselves.

geesh ! some people !

(and I hope you made those kids exchange the skrunched bags for fresh ones. it's never too young for them to learn)

and feb 22 Anonymous:
if you double charge, then you are required by law to give her that item for free.
you're lucky you haven't been caught.

fair word of warning:
I always check my receipts, I have BOXES of them going back DECADES.
if I can prove that you did that to me on purpose, then I WILL OWN that store and you'll be working for me.
(God Bless America !)

James JerryFord Montegro Jehovah Jones said...

Jocelyn, please stop saying 'y'all', it makes you sound like a retarded 70 year old hillbilly... Which you probably are...

What was my point again?

Anonymous said...

The worst part of it is that you seem proud how much of a piece of shit you are.

Anonymous said...

Why am I not surprised that you are missing a tooth? Trailer trash

Anonymous said...


Anonymous said...

Tampons of the world, beware! You may someday end up in this putka's gopher hole.

The kid at the check out line should have triple-bagged you before leading you out to the street and tossing you under a garbage truck.

Anonymous said... You're a complete and utter piece of shit. Great parenting skills there. I'm sure they're going to be the best people ever when they get older.

Also "Tampons of the world, beware! You may someday end up in this putka's gopher hole." is the best thing ever. Just saying. XD

Anonymous said...

you can tell that you have jungle fever too by the way you talk. everybody knows youre into black hogs big time. you got bad teeth from hosing around a lot and rimming the bros

Anonymous said...

lol i don't understand why most of the comments are hating on u but i actually liked this was funny haha..keep up the good work :)

Anonymous said...

You are a terrible person, and you are EVERYTHING that is wrong with this country. Your children should be taken away from you and put into foster care with a family that will teach them some manners because you are obviously so self-absorbed that you are completely incapable of doing so. You should never have had children since you obviously do not want to take the time to raise them correctly.

Maybe if you actually had the decency to talk to the deli clerk instead of being on your cell phone and acting like you're so important, then he could have sliced the meat to your specifications, which you clearly did not convey to him.

Oh, and nice job on informing the store that your kids created a HUGE safety hazard. Obviously you don't give a rat's ass about anyone but yourself, and you continually prove it over and over. I cannot believe anyone with any decency actually would support anything you say.

Oh, and as for being one of those assholes who parks in a handicap spot so that a person with a real disability has to find somewhere in the back of the lot to park, I sincerely hope a person with a prosthetic leg or in a wheel chair burns your house down with your children in it, and all you can do is watch them die. And when you ask why that happened, maybe you'll think of all of the things you said in this blog.

Anonymous said...


I am completely appalled by your behaviour; as the victim (and possible cause) of a failed marriage and the proud/loud mother of two children, I am dismayed of your shopping antics on a Sunday.

You should have been in church praying to God for forgiveness and the strength to resist the sin of gluttony, although in your case I would probably pray for something more attainable, such as spontaneous combustion or aztec gold.



P.S. Your child support money will be late this month; someone dented my car when I was out shopping last weekend.

Anonymous said...

I hope CYS comes and takes your children away for not supervising them properly...white trash idiot