25 things to do when your favorite website is down!

1.Retry the URL 1000 times
2.Get in touch with your weeping
3.Play slap n' tickle with your significant other
4.Flip your SUV on an ice-covered road
5.Floss your ass with your roommate's favorite hoodie
6.Wax the floors and have a one man stocking foot race
7.Slap a couple flame decals onto your '88 Ford Tempo
8.Break out the old Salad Shooter and relive the magic
9.Eat a dozen sticks of chocolate scented lip balm
10.Actually do your job well for once
11.Make sure that your girlfriend has had all her shots
12.Replace that fart-stained pillow on your desk chair
13.Smack your balls between two planks of wood
14.Send your grandfather an experienced dominatrix
15.Force Dr. Phil to drink your hot stinky pee
16.Leave your fine young wife for a bitchy hag with 17 fat kids
17.Deep fry an entire deer for the juiciest venison possible
18.Deliberately ram someone for not making a right on red
19.Eat just one Lay's potato chip, deny yourself another
20.Invent a bike helmet that doesn't make kids look retarded
21.Force your mailman to the ground and tattoo his buttocks
22.Stock your fridge with nothing but Lunchables & Capri Sun
23.Down a few laxatives and shit yourself during an MRI
24.Bring your dog to the vet for a circumcision
25.Wash your fuckin' sheets for once, they're gross

The 25 worst drinks to get drunk on!

1.Creme de Buddy Hackett's leg pits
2.Piss warm cans of Milwaukee's Best
3.Goat's milk margarita
4.Last-sip-of-everyone-else's-beer sangria
5.Bloody marys at a vampire cult party
6.Steven Hawkin's wheelchair cushion rum
7.Used Bud Ice out a latrine
8.Rotten Cheese & Old Wood European Lager
9.Johnny Walker: guy-with-a-plate-in-his-head formula
10.Chemical toilet schnapps
11.Kahlúa on ice cubes made of viscous standing water
12.Mike's Heartburn Lemonade
13.Liquid propane martini
14.Rupaul's Own ready-to-drink mudslide mix
15.Hot Everclear & grenadine from a sports bottle
16.Viagra & Bacardi mixers at the old folks home
17.Irish cream out of a dirty cowboy boot
18.Orange Shasta and nail polish remover
19.Black & Tan & DNA evidence
20.Sally Jesse Raphael's panty wine
21.Bong water colada
22.Refreshing blue mouthwash cocktails
23.Aristocrat vodka colonic
24.Chunky curdled buttermilk shooters
25.Hugh Hefner's diaper contents, on the rocks

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25 Unpleasant places to stay!

The new company I'm working for compiles reviews and reports from customer satisfaction surveys. According to our annual records, these are the 25 worst places to stay in America.

1.Ralph's Flophouse for Uncircumcised Males
2.The Kingdom Comeshot Infidelity Motel
3.KKK Campgrounds and Recreation
4.Mountain View Chigger Nest & Breakfast
5.The Eurotrash Ball Sweat Hostel
6.Rush Limbaugh's Scat Shack
7.The Gushing Bedsore Cabins & Spa
8.Rancid Landfill Vistas
9.The Force-It Inn
10.A tent shared with Andy Dick and a flat-chested Thai boy
11.Rubber Sheet & Corn Oil Manor
12.The Body Temperature DNA Receptacle Motor Lodge
13.Silverfish Tower
14.Jesse Ventura's House of Headbutts
15.The Villas at Dannamora State Prison for the Criminally Insane
16.Unwashed Comforter Econosuites
17.German "Watersports" Fantasy Bungalow
18.Hourly Porno Sets of Central Miami
19.The Weary Traveler Who Suffers from Irregular Discharge
20.The Pillow Humping Migrant Worker Resort & Casino
21.DP Tapeworm's Long Stay Lodge
22.Annoying Chambermaid Luxury Jumbotels
23.The Cider Vomit House of Dublin
24.Lost Kidney Vacation Rentals
25.The pee-soaked couch in Vincent D'Onofrio's basement
.
see also:
The nastiest hotel in Richmond!

25 Rejected Underwear Prototypes!

The company I just quit from is in the business of testing new products before they go to market. My office managed the billing of their various corporate clients, which gave me access to all of the testing data.

Here are the 25 worst underwear prototypes we've ever tested:

1.Scabbies for Women
2.The Pink Panther Fiberglass Filled Codpiece
3.BVD Chewables
4.Pledge Lemon-Scented Nut Sling
5.Mr. Crotch
6.Richard Simmons's Technicolor Dreamstraps
7.Wedgemasters
8.Chiggers & Co.
9.The Bovine Collection from Dress Barn
10.Señor Pelvis's Pants Piñatas
11.Saran Wrap Disposable Skidmark Singles
12.Hot Pockets Pepperoni & Cheese Casuals
13.Wilford Brimley's Huskyboy Underoos
14.Smucker's Stainproof Raspberry Briefs
15.Bounty Paper Skivvies
16.Charlie Sheen Signature Series Crotchless Thongs for Women
17.Wetnap Premoistened Boxers
18.Columbian Mule Brand, with comfy contraband smuggling design
19.Pope Benny's "Touchably-Soft" for boys
20.Jello Jockstrap Jigglers
21.Ron Jeremy Ball Hair Control Jockeys with Baking Soda
22.Depends "Waterloggers", The Swim Pants for Seniors!
23.Frito's Chili & Cheese Dippin' Drawers
24.Brillo Steel Wool G-String
25."Lock-ups" Prison Bitch Training Pants

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25 things you shouldn't put in your mouth!

Kids these days are always picking things up and putting them in their mouths. Even the most attentive parents are simply unable to slap every unclean object out their of their children's hands in time. So I've prepared this handy list you can give to your kids so they'll know which items are ineligible for tasting:

1.That filthy ring of keys that Mommy carries around
2.Your bacteria-caked fingernails
3.Stray sock matted into the ground at a 4-way stop
4.Cigarette butts discovered in a rental car ashtray
5.The 3-foot-long tapeworm you just lured out of your ass
6.Orthodontic retainer salvaged from a junkyard
7.Those greenish defective potato chips
8.Broken pager you found on the floor at the movie theater
9.Harmonica clutched in the grubby hand of a dead hobo
10.Mangled condom wrapper that a pigeon was messing with
11.Toe nail clipping that hits you in the face on a city bus
12.Unwrapped Starburst melted onto a car's floor mat
13.Pacifier left behind in the bathroom at a rave
14.Large floppy titty sticking through a hole in the wall
15.Deep fried bird head that turns up in box of chicken nuggets
16.Rented porno cassette slathered in stranger lube
17.Severed goiter from a dumpster full of medical waste
18.Any penny, no matter the circumstances
19.Orange Tic-Tac the cat has been batting around all day
20.One large hoop earring you bought at the thrift store
21.Tommy Lee's loathsome member
22.Half of a peanut stuck to the rim of a public toilet seat
23.Broken crack stem from a Richmond city playground
24.Car wash token retrieved out of a toll booth coin return
25.Crusty, nose blood covered Kleenex from an old coat pocket

25 Wacky Halloween Tricks!

The other day I made a point to warn all of you about the dangers of handing out non-candy items as treats on Halloween. But what kinds of tricks would be appropriate as retaliation for such heinous behaviour? Obviously, you'll want to tailor your tricks to the individual victim, with a focus on traumatizing them for life. That's the only way they'll ever learn!

Here are a few fun ideas to get you started:

1.Catch a foodborne illness, use their jack-o-lantern as a toilet
2.Throw that crappy pumpkin through their bay window
3.Fire a wad of 50 bottle rockets into their shed or garage
4.Replace their brake fluid with Crystal Light
5.Trap their pet in a van and give it an obvious sex change
6.Paint their doorway with curdled pig's blood
7.Drop buckets of baking soda and vinegar down the chimney
8.Leave a flaming bag of entrails on the doorstep, ring bell
9.Call their phone, when they answer whisper, "I'm in the house!"
10.Sacrifice an inflatable love goat on their porch
11.Knock up their daughter, then refuse to pay child support
12.Burn a massive scarecrow on their front lawn
13.Rig up a non-fatal candy corn cluster bomb
14.Use a hot glue gun to seal all their windows and doors shut
15.Break into the basement and cause an odorless gas leak
16.Startle them by dressing up as their dead grandma
17.Force them to swallow the refuse from your ear candling
18.Put a razor blade in an apple and accuse them to the police
19.Break in and throw a black cat on them while they're taking a dump
20.Mummify them in a giant ball of 3-ply toilet paper
21.Drug a rabid raccoon and leave it in their glove compartment
22.Sneak a few senior citizens inside the house to stink up the place
23.Stuff their air conditioner full of carrot juice & bacon bits
24.Mess up their vinyl siding by covering it in bloody butt prints
25.Shoot a dart laced with Ben Gay right into their necks

Disclaimer:
This list is for entertainment purposes only.
Do not drug a rabid raccoon without your doctor's permission.

25 Unacceptable Halloween Treats!

As a parent, I take a large cut of my kids' Halloween candy. I have absolutely no use for all this non-candy bullcrap that some folks in my neighborhood have chosen to give out in lieu of actual treats. For all of our sakes I've prepared a list of the 25 worst items that have been offered to my kids on Halloween:

1.School supplies
2.Fat free snacks, like Goldfish crackers or pretzels
3.Homemade popcorn balls with bits of cat hair stuck on the side
4.Homemade caramel apples (which are actually kind of fun to throw)
5.Meat on a stick with little bones in it
6.Travel toothbrush and mini-toothpaste
7.Religious propaganda
8.Cheap ass 8-packs of generic Chinese crayons
9.Little paper bags full of dirty nickels & unwrapped gum
10.Individual used women's shoes that are like 30 yrs old
11.Midget granola bars with no chocolate or candy in them
12.Loose pastel Peanut M&Ms from four Easters ago
13.Cans of warm non-alcoholic beer
14.A couple of melted Sucrets from a leather jacket pocket
15.Miniature Hickory Farms meat and cheese logs
16.Worn out tennis balls that the dog has slobbered all over
17.Bouillon cubes
18.A runny slice of crappy pecan pie that you have to sit there and eat
19.Tiny shampoo samples from some hotel they stayed at
20.A fun-sized Milky Way with a big rusty needle sticking through it
21.Giant cans of soggy string beans from Costco
22.Crumbs from the bottom of a box of Lucky Charms
23.Handfuls of Sweet & Low packets from an elderly lady's purse
24.Rice cakes with globs of flavorless yogurt on them
25.Circus peanuts. Nobody wants to gnaw on that orange wad!

To avoid any doubt, go ahead and print this out and take it with you to the store. This is what they call "fair warning". If any of you scumbags try to drop some crap like this into my kids' trick or treat bags again, I promise you that I will personally assist them in carrying out a trick that ends with you being rushed to the hospital!