Friday, November 14

25 things you shouldn't put in your mouth!

Kids these days are always picking things up and putting them in their mouths. Even the most attentive parents are simply unable to slap every unclean object out their of their children's hands in time. So I've prepared this handy list you can give to your kids so they'll know which items are ineligible for tasting:

1.That filthy ring of keys that Mommy carries around
2.Your bacteria-caked fingernails
3.Stray sock matted into the ground at a 4-way stop
4.Cigarette butts discovered in a rental car ashtray
5.The 3-foot-long tapeworm you just lured out of your ass
6.Orthodontic retainer salvaged from a junkyard
7.Those greenish defective potato chips
8.Broken pager you found on the floor at the movie theater
9.Harmonica clutched in the grubby hand of a dead hobo
10.Mangled condom wrapper that a pigeon was messing with
11.Toe nail clipping that hits you in the face on a city bus
12.Unwrapped Starburst melted onto a car's floor mat
13.Pacifier left behind in the bathroom at a rave
14.Large floppy titty sticking through a hole in the wall
15.Deep fried bird head that turns up in box of chicken nuggets
16.Rented porno cassette slathered in stranger lube
17.Severed goiter from a dumpster full of medical waste
18.Any penny, no matter the circumstances
19.Orange Tic-Tac the cat has been batting around all day
20.One large hoop earring you bought at the thrift store
21.Tommy Lee's loathsome member
22.Half of a peanut stuck to the rim of a public toilet seat
23.Broken crack stem from a Richmond city playground
24.Car wash token retrieved out of a toll booth coin return
25.Crusty, nose blood covered Kleenex from an old coat pocket


maeghanjeanette said...

informative, but i think i puked a little in my mouth thinking about it.

Anonymous said...

I have a little problem with #12. That starburst is the perfect thing for the kids to lick off the car mat if it will keep them quiet during the ride! I suggest putting 2 or 3 of em on the mat per child a week before a long trip.

Anonymous said...

Just sounds like common sense to me. Good job!

Anonymous said...

By the way, I noticed that you don't have any "team members" you wonder why?
Keep being disgusting.
I love sending these to officials in the hope that one day they take your children away and your husband gets the courts to take away the money that is not yours!

state said...

I think you stepped out of line on Number 7!

those are the best ones!

Catherinette Singleton said... seems that Pameal Anderson didn't read this list. You might want to forward it to her.

Ra said...

What's wrong with the Starburst if it's still wrapped?

Congrats on the tapeworm. Nice grab.

Anonymous said...

"14.Large floppy titty sticking through a hole in the wall "

I think that's possibly the most amusing mental image I've had this year. Walking down the street, look over at the wall of the building you're going by, and there's just a big tit hanging out into the fresh air via a hole.

I know My first thought wouldn't be "Do I.... Do I lick it?"

Cougar in training said...

What if the penny was right side up? I heard that it's good luck.