Tuesday, March 31

World's most annoying neighbors!

We've got this young couple living next door to our new house. At first they were really welcoming. But lately they've been bitching about the loud music and about how their newborn is trying to sleep. I don't get it. Why can't that little shit do his sleeping when I'm stuck at work all day?

When I get home from the office I just need to relax. That's why I keep a cooler full of iced Cheladas waiting for me on the back porch. So excuse me if I sprawl out on my lawn chair and get drunk while wearing my rattiest see-thru white bikini top, blasting my Kelly Clarkson CD and singing along. That should be okay to do on my own goddamn property!

I've had a couple of heated altercations with these folks, but lately they haven't said a word to me. Still, I hate them. The last time I saw the guy in his yard I convinced my cousin to spray at him with the garden hose in a flamboyant manner. He went inside and called the cops on us. The cop knew my cousin from high school, so he didn't really give a shit either way. He put it down to a lawn watering mishap.

To make matters worse, the neighbors on the other side of us are old, ornery, and practically deaf. They've been whining to anyone who will listen about our overgrown yard, and how every time their grandkids chase a ball onto our lawn they get poison oak all over their legs and rear ends. They've also been telling people that the little man-made pond in our back yard is nothing more than a breeding pool for mosquito eggs.

The last time those fools knocked on my door was to accuse our newly adopted and unfixed cat "Jager" of sneaking into their doggy door at night and spraying their microfiber sofa with musk. I was so angry about this outright lie that I didn't even bother to tell them about how Jager had gotten into a fight with their dog that morning and somehow managed to pluck one of his eyeballs out.

I'm also hearing rumors about this single dad down the block who's mad at me because I stomped out to the bus stop last Friday and told his son to stop talking to my son. I've had enough problems with my Brandon choosing art and reading over sports and girls. The last thing I need is him becoming buddies with a kid who uses a PBS tote as a book bag.

At least I've made friends with one person on my block. That would be Phyllis, who lives two doors down. She's retired, and likes to sit at the edge of her front yard all day on a cracked white plastic chair and chain smoke little cigars. She's funny as shit. She swears and shakes her fist at cars that aren't even speeding, and she always sexually harasses the UPS man.


Dog Breath said...

Well you have only talked about the people living on your side of the street.

What about the jerks across the back fence and across the street?

Please post pictures of the white top (boobs enclosed).

You should switch up to Garth Brooks at full wattage. People like that.

Anonymous said...

I did not realize that rocks have so many neighboring properties. Ohh by the way Kelly Clarkson sucks balls.

Brian said...

is there even a such thing as a PBS tote bag? I sure hope not

Bruddah said...

Why aren't you on twitter? You are so wonderful, we need to know what you're doing all the time!

Dog Breath said...

She can't afford Twitter.
She's on a metered dial up access account.

That twitter stuff is fer Doctors and Lawyers and such.

Alex said...

Dude...what the hell lol you sound like possibly the worst white trash neighbor ever.

I'd do all sorts of childish things to your house if I lived next to you

Anonymous said...

lol poor people

Anonymous said...

Obviously you have some (limited) grasp of computers and how they work. Photoshop your fucking tooth, Dick-Hard.

Anonymous said...

I want to give you a thousand babies,
or at least die trying.

Damn, woman. Let's haul the bathtub out on the front lawn, fill it with ice and beer and sit in it throwing the empties at people until we pass out or get arrested.

Anonymous said...

"""I've had enough problems with my Brandon choosing art and reading over sports and girls. The last thing I need is him becoming buddies with a kid who uses a PBS tote as a book bag."""

Wow. Just wow. The neighbors are assholes? You sure you just aren't looking in the mirror?

BTW, Pro Tip: Calling your children "My CHILDS_NAME_HERE" only shows that you look at them as your property, instead of a human being.

Pretty much explains why you see it as a problem if he uses his brains, instead of becoming just another meat-headed jock.

vuhi said...

Oh you think that's bad. I got a couple of troubemakers spying on my using electronic surveillance. I have absolutely no privacy. Imagine that. Imagine taking a bath knowing someone watching you. I would trade neighbors any day of the week. FU Karen L. Franklin. FU Ken Trussell. And FU Mindy - you were supposed to be the decent one. You were the one who was supposed to put your foot down to any injustice you see. How the hell can you call yourself a parent when you join in the fun? FU bitch. DIE!

Anonymous said...

white trash radar tingling

Anonymous said...

huh? you sound like an annoying neighbor, to be honest... congrats... I know you have to approve this message before it gets posted. I don't care. You are a bad neighbor. Ignorant ass.

Anonymous said...

Just reading your letter made my "worse neighbor" appear to be "not so bad". Who in their right mind would blare Kelly CLarkson?!? You obviously need to be medicated!